Parenting Truths 23: You're going to make different decisions from your friends

You don't have to jump off a bridge just because your friends do. And you don't have to not jump just because your friends are glued to the railing. You know what's best for your kids and your family, and that's what you should do.

There are stages in parenting in which making different decisions from your friends can make it hard to be around each other. In the beginning, everything seems high-stakes. So if you're struggling with a decision or with having to carry through the decision you made, it might be difficult for you to be around someone who's made a different decision because it's too raw. (This is why sometimes it's hard for moms who breastfeed and moms who formula feed to hang out when their kids are teeny--the decision [such as it is] can feel too raw for either and both of you.) But once the decision loses some of the emotional power, you can be around each other, living out your different choices, with no problems. (This is why moms of 8-year-olds rarely know and certainly don't care how the other moms fed their kids when they were infants.)

It can also be hard to be around your friends and their kids if they make decisions about teaching boundaries and limits that are very different from your own and you feel like their children aren't behaving in a way that you can be relaxed about. As you tell your kids, different families have different rules. If you need to take a break from spending time with a family that stresses you out, just take a break. Try to spend time with your friend away from the children so you aren't bothered by the parenting differences.

All these decisions we make--pacifier or no, where our kids sleep, bedtimes, babysitters, schooling, technology use, discipline, expectations, friends, family time--are all so important to us at the time. But that doesn't mean that there are absolutes in all categories, or that the same things have the same results with all kids (even with kids in the same families). So it's good to observe what your friends are doing, but then assess what results you'll have with your own kids, and make your decision based on that instead of what "everyone else" does.