Confession for my soul

I'll be at BlogHer this weekend. I'm feeling anxious about it.

I do not have social anxiety, usually. I'm an extrovert (I know this is SHOCKING to you) and can talk to people in all kinds of situations. I can go to a party by myself and start up conversations and find something in common with anyone. But BlogHer is different. I get anxious thinking about it, and I just want to hide.

I mentioned this to my ex-husband last week, and he said, "It's because it makes you feel like you did back when we were married." And I knew he was right.

Back when we were married and both blogging, he went to BlogHer and I stayed home to take care of the kids. And I felt like he was a big blogging star and no one knew who I was or was reading me. I felt small and tentative, with little to offer. In life and in blogging.

That's the space I go back to at BlogHer and when I think about BlogHer. It's my battle to fight, to realize that I may not be famous and I may not be the Next Big Thing, but I write, and that means I should be there. And I'm not in competition with my ex anymore. I'm a different person than I was, and I never really was that small person anyway.

So I'm probably not going to do any excited BlogHer reports or recaps. But I may do some "I love New York" posts. And maybe a I-can't-believe-I-finished-this-last-final-and-group-paper-and-get-an entire-month-off-before-classes-start-again post once I've actually finished the final and paper.

What personal battles are you fighting this week?