Q&A: not feeling upset about miscarriage

Maria writes:

"I seem to be in the beginning stages of a miscarriage--not-quite-period bleeding, very low betas.  I'd say the pregnancy was not quite six weeks along, and planned.  Is it odd that I feel pretty OK? I mean, I'm sad that I won't have this baby in 8 or so months, but I'm not devastated.  I suppose that's because I have an absolutly wonderful 2 1/2 yr old son, and I got pregnant the first month I tried (with both pregnancies), so I feel like the miscarriage isn't the end of my world.  I'm sure I'll grieve, but right now I don't feel like I need therapy or close emotional monitoring.  Is this normal?"

Yes, it's normal. It's normal for women to have all sorts of different emotions about miscarrying, ranging from devastation to sadness to indifference to relief. Sometimes a woman will experience feelings from all over the spectrum about the same miscarriage. It's all normal. It's normal for a woman's feelings about a miscarriage to change over time, too.

Most of the women who write about miscarriages on the internet are sad and upset about them, but that's because they're using writing on the internet to help them process their feelings, and to get support. The women who aren't hit as hard by a miscarriage just won't have as much to write about. So that's why you may feel unusual--because other women who feel just a little sad aren't as represented online. But it would be a mistake to think that they aren't out there or that your feelings are unusual.

Years ago, women who miscarried were told that it was no big deal, and shamed into thinking there was something wrong with them if they mourned a lost pregnancy or baby. But it was (is) healthy and OK for them to feel whatever they felt and to work through it. And it's OK for you to feel whatever you feel and to work through it, even if "working through it" means looking forward to your next cycle and getting ready for Halloween with your son.

I hope this is the last miscarriage you ever experience, and that your child is with you at this time next year. Take care of yourself.