Q&A: how much sex is enough?

Tess wants to open up the question:

"How much sex after a baby is the right amount???"

Funny you should ask that, Tess. I've been thinking about that exact question, and have come up with two formulas. If you have:

  • one child under 6 months old, or
  • two children whose combined age is less than 4 years, or
  • three children whose combined age is less than 7 years, or
  • more than three children,

Then the right amount of sex is: [(the number of times per week you want to have sex times 3) + (the number of times per week your partner wants to have sex times 1)] divided by 4.

If you have:

  • one child who is older than 6 months, or
  • two children whose combined age is more than 4 years, or
  • three children whose combined age is more than 7 years,

Then the right amount of sex is: [(the number of times per week you want to have sex times 3) + (the number of times per week your partner wants to have sex times 2)] divided by 5.

So, for example: If you have a 5-month-old, and you want to have sex once a week but your partner wants it 5 times, the right amount is [(1 x 3) + (5 x 1)] / 4, or 2 times per week.

Or, if you have a 3.5-year-old and a 9-month-old, and you want to have sex 4 times per week and your partner wants it once a week, the right amount is [(4 x 3) + (1 x 2)] / 5 = 14/5, or 2.8 times per week.

Any questions?

Seriously, though, I don't know. We already talked about how long it takes to get the desire back. I'd guess that the two biggest factors affecting how much sex a mother wants are how much sleep she's getting and whether or not she has her cycle (and normal hormonal level) back. So if you're getting a good night's sleep most nights and have gone back to normal cycles, you're probably way more interested in sex than someone who's dealing with lots of night waking (or the hidden problem moms don't talk about, insomnia) and is still in the no-period zone.

I guess I'd hope for everyone (including myself, of course) the answer would be "more than I wanted three months ago, but not as much as I'll want three months from now."

How do you negotiate if you and your partner have vastly different ideas of how much sex you should be having? Does one person's opinion trump? Or have you found some special compromise that both of you can live with?

Anyone want to discuss this? Tess? Anyone else? (As usual, if you don't want to post your real email or URL, just put a fake URL in the "URL" box and no one will be able to see whatever email you put in the "Email Address" box except me.)