Vent here safely for Mother’s Day

Vent here safely and anonymously (if you like) for Mother’s Day. Miss your mother, hate your mother, love being a mother, hate being a mother, don’t get enough time with your kids, wish you could have time to yourself, don’t want to share the day with your MIL, anything else.

Same rules as always: No vent too big or small. Everyone’s pain is valid and doesn’t diminish anyone else’s. No Misery Poker. If you have any extra energy to give support to another commenter, please do.

Vent anonymously if you want to by putting in fake info.

Be gentle with yourself.

51 thoughts on “Vent here safely for Mother’s Day”

  1. I just straight-up don’t want Mother’s Day to exist at all. I hate all holidays–they’re such "anticipointment" situations (term I got from some other blog). I hate that it’s just my husband, son, and me, because all the other relatives live 1,800 miles away. I hate that all holidays tend to make me re-examine my life and compare it to the dream life I imagined in my head. I also hate that all Mother’s Day-based advertising tends to feature snippets of this dream life. Each promotional email I got today about "make Mom’s day" hurt a little bit.

  2. Thank you, Shanonymous, for introducing me to "anticipointment", because that is how Mother’s Day feels for me. I work hard all of the time for my kids, my husband. On this day, it would really mean a lot to me for my husband to plan something special. I don’t even know what I want, but something. Something that shows me that he is thinking about my best interests on that one day. But even that can’t be managed. He informed me that we HAVE to spend Mother’s Day with his stepmom and father, because it is the right thing to do. The rational part of me says that he is right. It is an unstated expectation that we spend this day as a large, extended family with both "mothers". But darn it, I am always the rational one and I always do the right thing with this family. Why can’t I just have something special and different for me on that one day? It’s all kinds of horrible right now. Angry that I will likely end up with the extended family double mother get together which is boring and completely unhonoring IMO. Angry that even if I take a stand and say no, I will still be furious with my husband because he will give me the cold shoulder all Sunday and make my day miserable anyway. And just so angry that my husband doesn’t just for my sake and all that I do, that he doesn’t make an alternate plan for my Mother’s Day, that he doesn’t make it about me.
    My heart hurts, and it will now all weekend, and this makes me very anticipointed about Sunday.

  3. We always have a big lunch with my husbands family. His two (very fertile) sisters and our (prematurely fertile) nieces and nephews. I don’t like trying to get a table for 25 and the marathon lunch that entails and don’t like getting the pity present that all the moms get because my family doesn’t want to leave be out or the waitstaff assumes I’m a mother even though I never could get pregnant. I have come to terms with the infertility thing the other 364 days a year, it’s just this one day when everyone else is awkward about how to classify me that makes me feel self conscious and out of place.

  4. I want to offer hugs to other commenters.

    My Mothers Day will go as follows:
    One child needs to be a religious school at 8:15 for a skype session with their fellow class in Israel. The other child doesn’t need to be at religious school until 11. Bake sale for first child from 8:30-11. (yes, overlapping the skype). My husband is the manager for his Sunday morning softball team. They play every Mothers Day. At 3-5, I am taking my mother, who is normally many many miles away to a special tea and tour of a local mansion. This is because she made a huge deal out of staying a few extra days so she could be treated for Mothers Day. I never get Mothers Day for me, except for the first year I was a mom. Sigh…

    Sometimes, I do want to be taken care of. Most days, I can do all the things. But it would be nice once in a while.

  5. My mom is depressed. And it took me reaching a breaking point and confronting her about behaviors over the last two years, because apparently no one else in my family is willing to talk about the awkward stuff like this. My sister insists that nothing is wrong with our mother…and simply refuses to acknowledge that there are other, more serious, symptoms that point to dementia. It just makes Mother’s Day kind of a bummer….

  6. I’m in the middle of fairly taxing infertility treatments, and obviously this day is a little like rubbing a whole lot of salt, and possibly other painful and corrosive substances, in a large open wound.

  7. Hugs to you all. Or, since I’m an introvert who is really not into touching most of the people I know, let alone people I don’t, sympathetic glances in your general direction. Plus I would make you food if I could.

    My mother is…a nut. She’s not the mother I grew up with. Either that or I have a very inaccurate memory of how she used to be. I just had baby #2 and she’s doing the same thing she did with baby #1…trying to give him a nickname. (WTH, people? Just…WTH?) Baby #1’s name is partially a nod to To Kill a Mockingbird so my mother spent several weeks (despite my repeated requests) calling the baby ‘Scout’. Since being polite wasn’t working I finally wasn’t so nice about it (sleep deprived! hormones!) and she finally stopped. Now she calls baby #2 ‘J Bear’. Seriously? (My brother and SIL just had their first and mom is doing the same thing to them.)

    Anyway, I have a hard time coming up with a gift for my mother because (1)she’s extremely difficult to buy for as she has no hobbies and really doesn’t do much and (2)most days I have a hard time liking her.

    This year I suggested she and I not do anything for Mother’s Day and instead do something nice for SIL, since it’s her first one.

    Other than that the day will be alright. DH feels bad because he didn’t come up with some sort of rockstar plan or gift, but I assured him all I really wanted was to go to our favorite place for breakfast, go to church, and spend the day doing something fun with the kids. And maybe not change diapers.

  8. I hate all the advertising; first thing this morning I got a "It’s not too late to get something for Mom!" email. It is indeed far too late because she died over a decade ago, asswipes. I had a complicated relationship with her, but mostly I just miss her so much. She died before my kids were born and she never knew me as a mom. My mother-in-law lives nearby, but she is most definitely Not My Mother. Part of me wants to be generous with my husband/her son’s time, but I hate the way she subtly favors one of my kids over the other and don’t think she was a particularly admirable mother. And the man is mine now, dammit. He chose me to be the mother of her grandchildren and she just has to accept it. I stay home with our kids, who are too young to plan and execute a Mother’s Day on their own. I’ve been really depressed lately and could use a day of gushing admiration. I could also use a day of rest. And a day of yard work. I just wish we could make the whole day disappear and that makes me feel so selfish and un-mothery.

  9. I’m aching for a friend. She and her lovely partner have been waiting to adopt a child for at least three years. I don’t understand because they would be wonderful parents. She has said how unfair it is, and I know it is tough for them. I want to hug her, but she lives on the west coast while I’m on the east coast. I wish more people on this planet would realize that children can have two mothers as well and be just as happy and healthy.

  10. I’m 46. Never married. Never got to have kids. Really freaking tired of moms acting like they are saints because they had a child. Being a real woman takes many forms. After all of your wedding showers and weddings and baby showers and endless birthday parties for that kid and omg all the going on about the kid haven’t you had enough celebrations all about you?? Where is my day?

  11. Oh wow, what I great idea! I vent about my relationship with my mother year round. I especially hate having to make nice on Mother’s Day by forking out money on a gift to a woman who is "on a fixed income" It’s so fix that her new home is payed for along with her new car and that month-long European cruise her and Daddy are on right now. I don’t want her money. She should enjoy her retirement, but guess what woman? You are not on a freaking fixed income! And for god’s sake stop trying to control me and my children. I’m 40 years old! I will get a tattoo if I want, I will work or not work, it’s my life butt the F- out already! I don’t want to call you every week or even once a month because my life is great without you in it! And please I beg you don’t move here because you’re getting older and want to be near your only child. You should have been nicer the past 40 years if you wanted me to reciprocate with some sort of affectionate feelings – they don’t exist! I don’t like you. I guess I love you, but that’s out of some deep desire to be loved. Just go the F- away!
    and breathe

  12. I’m thinking about my son’s birthmother today. He turned 11 just a few days ago. I always think about that double whammy this time of year and wonder how she is doing. Our adoption is closed because she wanted it that way, but due to incompetence on a lot of people’s part (adoption agency, lawyers, hospital) we have more than enough information to find her easily, and I always end up cyber-stalking her this time of year. This year I’m pretty sure I have found not only her phone number and address, but get this — her 17 year old daughter (my son’s full sister) on Facebook, and she’s an out lesbian! I’m so tempted to contact his mother now, but I know I can’t just do it on impulse…. Am thinking through my options…. Motherhood is so complicated, isn’t it?

  13. My mother is slowly dying in front of me. FUCK MOTHER’S DAY and all the corny fucking ads that come with it. We never had a great relationship to begin with, and now she’s the shell of the person she once was. I miss her being the person who picks fights and doesn’t visit me.

  14. I love my mother, but I don’t like her.

    And, I get annoyed when people wish me Happy Mother’s Day as I’m child-free by choice.

  15. I don’t even feel qualified to vent – I am happy and do not have the Mother’s Day issues that should make it problematic. But I’ve been a mess this weekend. Anxious, stressed, on edge – I feel like I have PMS but it’s the wrong time. I’m wondering if there’s some sort of expectations issues I’m sort of tangentially getting that’s stressing me out. I’d just much prefer a regular old weekend.

  16. The Fakebook posts are really getting on my nerves. Honestly, I’d like a day away from my whiny kid today.

    1. I did not check FB until this evening. And I forced my son to walk with me to a coffee shop for My Mother’s Day Outing and he whined all the way there. But I picked up a bottle of wine so there’s that.

  17. I’m lucky to have a kind, loving, supportive mom, with whom I have a good relationship. But I have have friends who have lost their moms way too young. I’m especially thinking of my ten year old baby cousin who lost his mom (my cousin) a few months ago to cancer and how incredibly hard this day (and all the lead-up) is and probably will be for him for a long time. I also desperately want to be a mom myself, like, yesterday (I’m 33), but I know it’s not going to happen for a couple of years at least.

  18. I’m lucky to have a kind, loving, supportive mom, with whom I have a good relationship. But I have have friends who have lost their moms way too young. I’m especially thinking of my ten year old baby cousin who lost his mom (my cousin) a few months ago to cancer and how incredibly hard this day (and all the lead-up) is and probably will be for him for a long time. I also desperately want to be a mom myself, like, yesterday (I’m 33), but I know it’s not going to happen for a couple of years at least. Thinking of everyone for whom this is a hard day.

  19. My attempts to have a nice (hallmark) holiday with my mom are being undermined by my dad constantly shitting on most of my recent decisions in life be it big or small, my husband is back home and any attempts to get some comfort from him have been…disappointing. But it will all be okay because soon my sister (his pretty daughter) will be here and I can quietly slip into the final stages of self loathing.

  20. I have two mothers. My five year old doesn’t know my birth mother exists. I still don’t know how to start that conversation.

    Also, my birth mother and I are so estranged that it took me until reading this thread to connect today with her. And I don’t know how to feel about that.

  21. My mom and MIL both live hundreds of miles away, so I don’t have to compete for time on mother’s day. So, my husband asks me Friday afternoon what I want for Mother’s Day. "Just a nice brunch you and the kids cook." Then, this morning, he finally wakes up about 10:00 am and asks what I want for my brunch. He now at the store. It’s 10:30 am and I am pretty hungry. My 14 yo daughter just woke up and asked me what I want her to draw me a picture of. She rejected my first 2 choices and I told her to draw what she wants. Geez, I hope they aren’t too put out… My son is still sleeping. Not a one of them has actually said Happy Mother’s Day.

    What.ever.

  22. Today is a day when I feel especially invisible. I am 48, not married, and don’t have "kids of my own" the way most of the world defines that. I have a remarkable and loving relationship with the daughters of my ex-partner. We came into each others’ lives when their own mom was not able to be present, and their dad, my then-partner, was not really able to function much as a parent to them or a partner to me. I often tell people that I carried the baton in the parenting relay race for those years (junior high and high school through to college admission). I like to think the choices I made in those years made it possible for these young women to be more resilient to the crazy that was happening around them in those years. It may even be that my presence n their lives and the way I handled things made it possible for them to reunite and repair their relationship with their mom.

    We are still close, still claim each other as Family. But none of us has the words to describe our relationship. And so, without a lot of explanation, who I am to them and who they are to me remains largely unspoken and invisible in the general world. I am lucky enough to have people around me who Get It. But today of all days, it’s hard not to want things to be more visible, have more acknowledgement about the gift of motherhood these young women have unwittingly given me, and the ways I have mothered and continue to mother them.

    Thanks, all, for all the honesty you are bringing to your posts today. I honor all of you in your struggle, in your ways of making peace, and in the ways you are speaking out to make sense of all this complicated stuff.

  23. Mother’s Day is the worst day of the year for me. My biological mother severely abused me, and once I was in foster care I was just thrown away like garbage by my foster moms. I was never adopted, even though having a mother was the only thing I ever wanted. Finally, as a young adult a nice woman took me under her wing, and has been a mother to me. But this year she died. I’m hurting very bad today. I just want it to be over.

    1. If I could, I would be your mother. I ache for you. No child should ever feel unwanted or unloved. Please accept an e-hug.

  24. I think I need to take a FB break today. It isn’t the moms who I know are happy being moms. It isn’t the women who have fabulous relationships with their moms. It’s the people I know just hate their moms but post these gushing wonderful mommy posts because they know their moms (or other family members) expect it. Or the ones who really didn’t want a child, aren’t happy being a mom and post the gushing I love being a mom so much my life was nothing before posts. I just want people to own their truth. (Not by posting it, necessarily, but by not posting the lies. No parade raining, just no fake parades!)

    And I’ll say it. I said I loved my mom because I thought it was required…I mean, who doesn’t love their mom. But I didn’t love her and I didn’t like her because I tied myself in knots trying to please her until my friends managed to convince me she was unpleasable. And I went to therapy. And I realized I wasn’t a horrible person for not wanting to put up with the constant emotional abuse. I do think it would be healthy for me to find a way to accept that she was ill (an addict), not willfully neglectful. But when your mom gives 2-year-old you to an 8-year-old and says, "She’s your responsibility, now," she’s abusing both of you unforgivably.

    At the same time, my heart genuinely aches for my friends who had wonderful loving relationships with their moms and have lost them. But I quite honestly can’t imagine. My mother’s death was a relief because it gave me a family back. A broken, scarred, very sadly nonintegrated family. But it’s the only one I have.

    1. "It’s the people I know just hate their moms but post these gushing wonderful mommy posts because they know their moms (or other family members) expect it." BINGO! I saw FB posts from a friend whose Mom is an active, erratic alcoholic…but she’s the "greatest Mom in the world!". Another friend’s Mom exploded their family by having multiple affairs, including a 10 year long one with her husband’s best friend, whom she later married. Never apologized to my friend or her brother, never acknowledged she did anything wrong, and seriously fucked up my friend’s ability to have normal romantic relationships (both she and her brother are in therapy and both are in their late 30’s and wish they could find a spouse but never seem to make it work). BUT, her Mom is an "amazing, strong, smart, vibrant and loving Mom!" And it goes on– several people I know whose Mothers have been monumentally dysfunctional or shitty to them gush about "my awesome Mom!". I don’t know why it triggers me…I guess it’s because I worked SO FUCKING HARD in years of therapy to deal with my parents’ emotional abuse and to come to a place where I set boundaries and only say what is true– I don’t purposely say negative things, but I also don’t lie and act like everything is great when it is not. My relationship with my Mom isn’t great. She and my step-father were controlling, critical, emotionally abusive narcissists; then she became an alcoholic; a year and a half ago she came down with a rare neurological disorder that has made her permanently disabled and my step-father even more of an asshole, if that’s possible. She’s not "the best Mom in the world". All I can say is, "She really did the best she could–and it wasn’t good enough. She didn’t know how to be different and her own childhood left her without the skills to be a loving, supportive Mom. At times she showed amazing strength; but she also made a lot of terrible choices."

      Despite all that, I have a wonderful marriage to a loving man and two great kids who made a delightful breakfast for me this morning and let me sleep in. So, my Mother’s Day was mostly great. But when I called my Mom, I just said, "Happy Mother’s Day" and then talked about other things. Mother’s Day can be really awkward when you can’t parrot the hallmark bullshit back to your mother.

  25. All my friends post pictures of themselves and their mothers on facebook. My mother is mentally ill and depressed and has always hated photos of herself. It would only cause her grief to have me share one. Not fucking worth it. And if I hide it from her, what’s the point?

    Also, I hate being the one with the mentally ill mean alcoholic mother, and I really wish that my friends understood what it’s like for me when they all seem to have competent, loving, funny, introspective, good friends in their moms. And I wish that someone else of all the older, loving women I know would step up and replace my Mom. But no one seems to really see me.

    But that’s every day.

    1. Oh my gosh. You are definitely NOT the only one with a mentally ill mean alcoholic mother. I know you very much feel that way. But, there are SO MANY OF US. Hugs to you. I’m sorry.

  26. Feeling blah. I came to start dreading Mother’s Day a few years back. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and am always glad to celebrate with her, but due to infertility issues, its always a reminder day for me that it’s not always possible. Every month I get reminded, but Mother’s Day always seems to put the last nail in the coffin. Also, I’ve had the opportunity to at least carry out motherly responsibilities to my boyfriend’s son for the last year and a half since we live together, and I spend quite a bit of time one on one with him due to his Dads work schedule. Not like I expected anything from the son because I know I’m not his mother, I was maybe just looking for a thank you or I appreciate you from the boyfriend….especially since he made sure to thank all the awesome moms out there. I don’t know, am I being to emotional? Should I not expect a little shout out?

    1. No, you are not being too emotional! Thank you for the care you take of your partner’s son. Being a loving adult to a partner’s child is generous beyond measure, and unfortunately largely unrecognized, and unrecognized especially loudly on Mother’s Day.

      I have been in a similar role, struggled with how to verbalize my relationship with my(now ex-) partner’s daughters. Some years, one or the other or both kids acknowledge me on morher’s day. Sometimes not. Their dad, not at all, not even when we were together. What made the difference was the acknowledgement of friends, rare but precious, who Got It.

      So, if it helps at all, I get it, and I thank you for what you bring to the life of this child and this family.

      Namaste.

      Laurie

      1. Thank you Laurie, and many blessings to you for what you have done in the lives of those two girls! 🙂 It helps to know I’m not alone

  27. Today, I’m still trying to call my mother. She’ll be present when I do. Will laugh and tell me about her day.

    If she’s taking her meds.

    My mother was not on her meds for a good portion of my childhood. And when paranoid schizophrenia had her in its clutches, she put cigarettes out into my stomach. And laughed as she did this.

    I still wake up in a cold sweat, remembering.

    When I was sixteen, she tried to end her life with a gun to the head. She failed and was institutionalized. And finally got a diagnosis.

    I cleaned up her blood and can still feel it coagulating on my hands.

    My mother has taken her meds for years now and can almost function in the world.

    And I still feel her rejection. And the burning.

    1. I am so sorry this happened to you. When your mother is not capable of caring for or loving you, there is no greater pain. How amazing that you survived and that you still call her and listen to her!

  28. My son made a couple sweet things for me at kindergarten, and my husband got me a gift certificate for a massage (though I have no idea when I will actually get the chance to use it) and the baby is suddenly babbling "mamamama" a ton. BUT, this is my first MD since my mom passed away and I miss her so, so, SO much. It was hard to go to my in-laws house today (well it always is, but today more so). And they didn’t have a card or anything for me, when they usually do. And my husband has a raging man cold. And refuses to take a decongestant.

    Thank you for this place to vent!!!!

  29. The day before Mother’s Day my husband told me he doesn’t see a future for the two of us. I can feel it too, the attractive lure of leaving this relationship and all this hard work behind and just start over again, something new and fresh, something that is not mired in old history and old hurt.

    But then we looked at our children, our two gorgeous, wonderful, amazing children and imagined what it would be like for them, and we looked at each other and we still love each other, a tired love, but still a love that can be built on, a love that occasionally looks beyond the hurt and recognizes that the person we fell in love with is still there. And there is no one else, there’s never been anybody else.

    There’s been post natal depression, there’s been a resistance of growing up, there’s been a transcontinental move, there’s been a dream job that had to be declined in order to make way for other dreams, there’s been a failure of ever finding another job even remotely like it, there’s been a lot of partying, and a lot of effort to make it up and a lot of throwing things back into each others face, there’s been therapy and pills, and right now, there is a sinking feeling in my stomach that I am just a lost cause, and that my children deserve so much better.

    But I can’t do anything to myself, because that would fuck them up even more, so he and I are stuck with this and I don’t know how to get out, and can we all please stop with all the FB congratulations and thumbs up and you go, girls, because what I really want is somebody to tell me how to get back to myself so I can really be a good mum, the mother I want to be, instead of a papered over mess whose children wake up at night because they know something’s off.

    We’ll just keep on trying. There’s nothing else left to do.

    1. I see myself in your post, and we have managed to live beyond the bad stuff and have a great relationship — not painfree, but great. So if you think there is some love there, I want to encourage you that better times may be ahead.

    2. Good for you for trying. We went through a time like that too, but knowing what it’s like to have divorced parents, I couldn’t put my kids through it– I couldn’t be in denial about the long-term impact like my own parents are. And of course I wouldn’t subject myself to the hell that is joint custody parenting unless I absolutely had to, and couldn’t afford separate apartments anyway. Divorce isn’t always a lifestyle improvement, even for the parents. Despite the cottage industry of divorce cheerleaders who and shame and scold anyone who rejects their dogma, as if divorce were some guarantee of happiness.

      There’s a lot to be said for riding things out, and a lot of peace and pride on the other side if you manage to do it. You are giving your kids your very best try, and that’s something to be really proud of. If it works out in the end, it will really pay off. Good luck.

    3. If you can’t trust him, or you don’t respect him, get out. If those aren’t true, then keep working on it. Yes, there’s allure of leaving what feels like a broken mess, but the only thing divorce fixes is being married to the wrong person. It sounds like your problems aren’t that, precisely, they’re not being connected to that person the way you want to be. And divorce cuts off that possibility.

      I’ve never been in a marriage that was a safe place, so I can’t tell you what it’s like to hang in there and come out the other side. But there are plenty of other people who have. Please work on it, though. Get counseling, alone and together, so that you can make your marriage a good place for your kids to grow up inside. People talk about the hurt divorce causes, but there are plenty of us who can testify to the hurt it causes kids to grow up in a marriage that wasn’t good in which the parents were staying just so they didn’t have to leave.

      You can do this.

  30. I’m sad. I miss my mom, my husband does a shit job at mothers day, my 5 year old did so good, but I feel like such an asshole because I didn’t give her the gratitude she deserved. I’m just so sad and tired.

  31. Second Mother’s Day. pregnant with second child. Can barely walk due to back pain from picking up first child all day long. Said child has been starting her day at 4 am this week. and I have a cold. Did not get to sleep in, did not get flowers or a card or any sort of recognition. My husband is really effing dense, and it makes me question everything.

  32. This is the first Mother’s Day my mom spent without her own mother. My husband decided HIS mother was coming to our house and told me with three days to spare. My brothers, who live nearby my mother, did nothing. I feel responsible for not nagging them to take care of her today, but you know what? I hate that she expects us to grovel at her feet when she does nothing but complain about the ways in which we disappoint her. I wish she would have had another daughter who was more like her. A sister might have calmed me down.

    And I may have charted my ovulation date wrong this month, and we may have had sex on a very fertile day. I can’t decide if it’s good or bad that next Mother’s Day it might be me with a four-month old.

    Shit motherfucking shit.

  33. My mom died April 29, after fighting with a heart defect for 20 years (they originally gave her 6 months). My husband and I had just started the long road of infertility treatment, but had told nobody, yet. It is indescribably awful to me that my mom will not be able to see my children (I’m a devout nonbeliever, so no solace there). Everything is just so fresh and so hard, and my amazing husband is trying, but still doesn’t quite understand why this is so terribly upsetting to me.

  34. My mom died April 29, 2 days after her 65th birthday, after fighting with a heart defect for 20 years (they originally gave her 6 months.) My husband and I had just started the long road of infertility treatment, but had told nobody, yet. It is indescribably awful to me that my mom will not be able to see my children (I’m a devout nonbeliever, so no solace there). Everything is just so fresh and so hard, and my amazing husband is trying, but still doesn’t quite understand why this is so terribly upsetting to me.

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