Some news, with the lede not buried

I'm writing a book.

A few weeks ago I announced on my Facebook page that I had written a book proposal for an Ask Moxie book and was looking for an agent. A bunch of people helped me by sending me recommendations, and I got a lot of feedback from those agents. It all seemed to consist of the message that my book looked interesting and unique and they wanted to read it, but wouldn't be able to sell it.

I was perplexed, until one very kind agent explained to me that she loved the book but no publisher would be able to buy it, because it didn't make financial sense for them to buy a book that wasn't controversial. Without all the press generated by making parents anxious or stirring up controversy in some other way, they just couldn't take a chance on publishing something that wasn't going to have guaranteed sales. So she thought it would be tough to find a publisher.

Then she told me she thought the book would sell on its own, and that I should self-publish, and she gave me some names of sites to start researching self-publishing. (And that's why I'm not revealing the name of that kind agent–I'm pretty sure she's not supposed to tell anyone to self-publish.)

When I read her email laying all that out, my first feeling was relief. So I pushed into that feeling and realized that I had been seriously uncomfortable with the traditional publisher process. For one thing, I don't think I'm an easy soundbite. "You are the best parent for your child" is a soundbite, but it's not the kind of soundbite that gets people all riled up, so it's not all that easily packaged. Plus, I'm not an easy media package myself–I'm not a credentialed expert in childrearing, and I still haven't figured out how to give Skype interviews very well, and I wear tank tops instead of sweater sets, and I have a really loud dorky laugh that can't seem to stay out of interviews.

And the concept for the book is really just the concept of this website: We have to learn how to make decisions as parents, and we can get good at learning how to make decisions and at making the decisions themselves, the more we do it. With that as the organizing concept, the rest of the book is talking about stuff that's likely to happen in the first few years, and a bunch of ways you could approach that stuff. Interspersed with that is discussions of the kind of things we've talked about here over the years, but that I haven't seen anywhere else–how becoming a parent can make you really angry, how friendships change, how to make parent friends, etc. I want the book to be a reality check for parents so they know that this IS serious and hard and that they can do it, and it's really really difficult to actually fail even if you feel defeated at any given moment.

But I don't think that concept, plus me, is a nice little media package. So I was afraid that the book would be committeed into something I didn't recognize and didn't want to write, and that I'd be given a makeover and forced to cut my hair and stop laughing and pretend I know about kids (when all I really know about is people) and that I have the answers and need to impart them to the world.

And then there was the whole "deceptive" angle. Remember back when I wasn't allowed to talk about how I was getting a divorce and I hid it from all of you for SEVENTEEN MONTHS and I didn't know if you would forgive me for not telling you and I was also in a lot of pain because I needed to talk about it with you and I couldn't? Well, aspects of the publishing process seemed a little too close to that:

1. I sign a contract and tell you "I'm writing a book!"
2. I write the book on my own without consulting you except for maybe a few updates on the writing process.
3. The book appears magically and I ask you to buy it.

I know that process isn't inherently deceptive, but it felt like it to me. The entire reason Ask Moxie has worked even one little bit for 6 1/2 years is that you let me write something, and I do, and then you tell me what you think of it, and add to it or contradict me. And you have relationships with each other, and know more about many things than I do. And then scared or bored or inadequate-feeling parents at 3 am read what we've all written and realize that it's eventually going to be ok. So the idea that I was going to write this book all by myself and then present it to you (and the 3 am readers) as a masterpiece seemed ludicrous and insulting. One of my core values in raising kids is informed consent, and this didn't seem like informed consent with you all, if that makes any sense.

I didn't want to do that. I wanted to write a book the same way I write Ask Moxie. With you. I write what it feels like everyone needs me to talk about, and then I ask you what you want to say about it, and that goes in the book, too, and we all get to keep wearing what we want to wear and laughing when we want to and asking questions that don't fit into a media kit.

So. I'm going to self-publish my book. I'm setting up an ambitious schedule, and want to publish it just before American Thanksgiving in November (both paperback and ebook), just in time for my seven year anniversary of writing Ask Moxie. I've been told it takes six months to write a book, which makes this schedule preposterous, but since I know what I want to write I know I can do it. But I'm asking for your help in these ways:

1. If you're the kind of person who prays or vibes or thinks good thoughts, please pray or vibe or think good thoughts for me in this project.

2. Watch for my updates and requests for opinions or info and put in your comments. You, whatever you have dealt with, whether it worked or not, have experience that can help other people. I'm going to ask for comments on specific topics (like the 3-week growth spurt, or teething, or whatever) and on what's helpful and not. The question I'm keeping in mind while writing is "What would have been most helpful to me to read when I needed it?":

3. I'm not doing Kickstarter or anything like that because I'm writing the book no matter what. But would it make sense to do some kind of presale package, with some kind of swag or bonus or something for preorders? Think about it, and I'll ask again later.

4. If you're buying stuff from Amazon already, click through here first so I get some coffee money out of it to fuel the process.

5. Get excited! In a "someone else has to type until her fingers bleed" kind of way.

On Friday I'll post my Table of Contents and ask for comments.


86 thoughts on “Some news, with the lede not buried”

  1. OMG that sounds fantastic!!! You go girl, we’re all here with you. Anything you need I’m sure we’ll all do our best to help.Seriously though, I have been thinking a lot about the tension increaser/decreaser thing as it pertains to adults- I think it’s a very useful concept for many different contexts and situations. I hope you will include it as well… no pressure though. Can’t wait to see the TOC!!!

  2. I send all my friends who are new moms to your website, and I will certainly buy your book as a baby gift when it’s available. Best of luck!

  3. Ok, I’ve been reading Ask Moxie for almost three years now but this is my first comment. In the words of my two-year-old daughter, “Go, Go, Go!”. I can’t wait to recommend your book to all of my pregnant friends (and probably pregnant strangers, too).I love your blog and the community of commenters you have attracted over the years. The underlying theme of “this too will pass, but meanwhile here’s a bunch of ways we’ve dealt with it” has made my adventure in parenting so much, well, not exactly less stressful, but certainly more informed on what to stress about and what not to.
    You may think “all I really know about is people”, and that may be true, but children are people, and people were children, once upon a time. Your observations and collected wisdom have helped me understand my husband, myself, and others, as well as my daughter. I can’t remember how many times I called my mom and said “something I read on Ask Moxie made me think differently about XYZ subject that’s been affecting my life lately”.
    Keep it up, have a good time, and go type your fingers off!

  4. Woo hoo! Congrats Moxie! Now I can recommend your book to people along with your blog. And, I’ll need a copy too, since I’m thinking about number two and have repressed many memories since my firstborn’s early days.

  5. I will definitely buy that book and give it to all of my baby making friends. So, I will probably end up buying like ten copies before I am done with my reproductive years.

  6. THIS is the parenting book I’ll be buying for all my new parent friends. And thank you for not forcing controversy (publishers! REALLY?!?!). Good luck!

  7. I am so excited to hear about this. I have read this blog since my daughter was born (now almost 2 years old), and it has helped me tremendously. I have never commented before, but I check your blog daily. Like others who have already commented, I recommend your blog to all new parents, so I would also buy the book as a gift when it comes out.I look forward to contributing when you ask questions of your readers.
    Thanks Moxie!

  8. I’m with everyone else – so excited; ready to buy multiple copies to give to my friends, since I’m already sending them links to this website for what I call “sane parenting advice.” Would love to help in anyway, including advanced purchase, proofreading, commenting, shilling, etc 🙂 Yahoo!

  9. Brilliant. Self-publishing totally makes sense, and you can TOTALLY pull this off by Thanksgiving. And add me to your list of editorially inclined pals who’d be happy to provide behind the scenes assistance.

  10. I have few new mommies in my life these days, but when I come across one I always recommend this site. I’d love to be able to hand them a book with that recommendation! You rock!

  11. I LOVE THIS IDEA. I can’t think of anything that would be more helpful than a non-controversial, sensible, helpful, kind, caring parenting book. This blog has been a godsend to me ever since my daughter hit the 4-month sleep regression and I recommend it to people all the time. I would be thrilled to be able to buy your book for the other mamas I know.

  12. Awesome. Good for you for doing it on your own! I honestly think the agents are missing out, and it’s a symptom of how broken the traditional publishing model is. I believe the last book we were discussing was also initially self-published. Can’t wait to help. 🙂

  13. big congrats! please also post a bit about your writing process; some of us writer-parents will be intrigued with that, even if it’s not actually part of the book (though that could be interesting personal insight into the timeless how-to-balance-self-and-kids question…..)

  14. I honestly think Kickstarter works best for projects like yours–it will happen no matter what, but a few thousand bucks will make the process smoother and less stressful. I hope you’ll reconsider!

  15. I work with new moms in my volunteer work and try to adopt the tone of the Ask Moxie community in my dealing with them–you’re the best parent for your child, you can do this, you’re doing the right things, this worked for me, and it will all be OK. I will be buying this book and sharing it with them, as well. I love this community so much because for the most part we’re about what moms are doing right, admitting that sometimes it sucks, hard, and not espousing any particular philosophy.

  16. Great Moxie! Most importantly, stay true to yourself and your message. I’m doing a book with publisher (written and under editing process now) on feeding children from high chair to high school (called Fearless Feeding). Nutrition is also a topic that is not sexy unless it’s a diet or a “bad food.” But the reality is, like good parenting, good nutrition isn’t magical–it’s a dedication to the long haul!Good luck with the writing process–4:30 am and loads of coffee worked for me!

  17. I work in marketing/PR. Your angle for media should be that you are resisting the ‘reality TV’ style of books. That you are involving the communicty you created in the writing of the book. A new style of book for the world we want rather than the one we have.

  18. My sister is getting married and they plan to have kids ASAP. My cousins expecting too. Would love to get them your book! This website kept me sane after my mil left and I was alone with baby.

  19. What Erin(above) said! And check out for marketing! They send review copies of ebooks to readers, who then post Amazon reviews of books. Helps sales, apparently. And I know your readers and blog contributors can tap into great pools of parenting communities to A) help contribute if needed, and B) to buy and promote the finished book!I’m so proud of you for doing this and have no doubt that you will reach your Nov goal!

  20. I am not a mom, but as a teacher and someone-who-knows-a-fair-amount-about kids through both experience and book-learnin’, I send colleagues, students’ parents, and new-parent-friends to your site ALL THE TIME, right down to including it in ALL my “congrats on your new baby” cards and e-mails. So: YAY YOU, for doing this.Also: I know we are strangers, and you probably know other people who would be willing to do this, but: if, at any time in this process, you need perspective from a teacher, nanny, education administrator, camp director/counsellor, or pretty much any other line of work relating to the care and keeping of other-people’s-children, feel free to hit me up. I’ve done all of the above, and have letters behind my name to back up my (strongly held and generally consistent with yours) opinions.
    And in case you missed it the first time: YAY YOU! This is awesome and inspiring.

  21. 1. I am the author of a book coming out in January. It has been a wrenching process and I think you’re wise to steer clear.2. I, too, always send new parents to you. When my son was tiny he had the first of many sleep regressions and you and this community helped me understand.
    Best of luck. Now that you’re doing it, I must say it seems obvious that you should.

  22. Erin is very wise. Agent is very wise. And you – your book will be awesome.One question: Why Thanksgiving? It’s good to have a deadline, but, y’know, speaking as someone who’s written, ghostwritten, and edited a few books: You’ll need time to write, rewrite, edit, step back and mull, proofread, design/lay out pages, design/lay out cover, get blurbs. You’ll probably need to outsource at least some of that – at least cover design and proofreading, perhaps also editing and page design. Maybe better to shoot for full,reasonably well-polished draft by Thanksgiving, book out in the spring.
    Also, if you want it out in time for people to buy it for the holidays, it really needs to be October at the latest – to give time for press coverage and such. November-Dec books inevitably get lost. Spring and fall are best release times if you want decent press coverage around the pub date. I think this holds true for both trad. and self-pub.

  23. first off CONGRATULATIONS. my personal opinion of self publishing has really evolved over the last year and I 100% believe you’re going about this in the right way and think it’s great an agent was so up front with you!And, not that you’ve solicited advice or ideas BUT i have been reading Sundry Mourning for years and ages ago she published a series of parenting poems which I thought hit the nail on the head. I always thought they would be SO AWESOME to include in a down to earth parenting book. If you need chapter starters or whatever maybe reach out to her? I don’t know Linda personally just a reader of hers, but her spot on poems have stuck with me for years.
    Also, not sure you read Swistle but her parenting insights/advice are the most down to earth this side of Moxie 🙂 Again, I don’t know Swistle at all but just a reader who has long thought some of her content would be amazing in a really honest/good parenting book.
    These posts in particular
    GOOD LUCK with the timeline and I’ll try to do my amazon shopping via you.

  24. I’ve been a reader from your beginnings, and you’ve helped me find my inner sanity many times. I think any book you write will be just as wonderful to other new moms.

  25. I am so excited for your book! I’ve been reading since before I had a baby, and I send people links to this site all the time. I’d love to have a book to give to people, too!

  26. I would definitely buy your book and recommend it to friends. I think it’s a great thing to self-publish if you can. It sends a positive message to others who might want to try writing but won’t be driven by some idea of market value that is mostly about quick and easy sensationalism.

  27. Don’t let limits scare you; some authors wrote books in 2 weeks. That’s preposterous too, but what it means to me is, you can do this in whatever time you need. I know it’ll rock.I send everyone to your site and would definitely buy the book.
    Please include something on staying strong despite hateful, misguided family intervention. And on allergies.
    Thank you for writing more!

  28. I LOVE that you’re going to write a book! I know I’ll buy many copies for pregnant friends. I HATE that what gets you published is controversy. That says so much about why we have all the parent “wars” of today. I’m so glad you’ll be able to self-publish. We need honesty like yours, not controversy for controversy’s sake.

  29. Your blog saved me when my 2 year old was tiny, and I’m sure it’s going to save me again in a few weeks when his little brother shows up – and if you meet your publishing deadline, your book will be out just when the new baby is entering the 4 month sleep regression – WOOHOO!

  30. Congrats! My first book, BABY BUMPS, just came out this week (a semi-memoir about my high-risk pregnancy, we’re calling it “factual fiction”) and it was not traditionally published by a Big Six house, but it’s the book I wanted to write and it’s getting good reviews and sales! So good luck to you — it’s definitely a great time to be non-traditionally published.(Oh, and in case anyone is interested, the link to the book is both on my site and here: )

  31. So thrilled for you Moxie! Long time reader who sends any new moms I know here for real advice. I already have someone in mind (besides myself) to buy your book for. 🙂

  32. Whatever you need. Your mom (and me 🙂 had some pretty interesting posts on mothering adult children, iirc. Or not.

  33. Another sale for myself and any pregnant friends!Reading your posts and the comments from all of your other wonderful loyal followers has been the best kind of virtual hug & support that I’m not the only Mom feeling my way through the ups and downs of infancy/toddlerhood/and so on.

  34. I have been waiting for this book since I first got pregnant. When friends ask for advice on which parenting book to buy, this is the book I want to recommend, but it hasn’t existed yet.Thank you for doing the hard work of writing so the rest of us can slurp up the awesome!

  35. I am so, so proud of and excited for you. I just went through the publishing process, and I had the advantage of writing about something controversial (the pressure to breastfeed) and I definitely think that helped me land an agent and publisher. It sucks that the industry is that way, but after going through this process, I would with 100% confidence tell you that self-publishing is the way to go. You have a built-in audience that adores you, a platform that lends itself perfectly to online self-promotion, and one helluva great writing style. I have complete faith that this book will be a success, and unlike the rest of us hacks, you won’t have to share that success with an agent and publisher, nor censor yourself to please other involved parties. Excellent decision – and I cannot wait to read it!

  36. Oh yeah, I always thought this site should be a book. I recommend it to EVERYONE, and it has changed my entire parenting life. I started reading it when I was pregnant with my now 2.5 year old and know I’ll be revisiting your “witching hour” post again with BabyX’ due in Oct.SO great, congratulations. And I would totally pre-order.

  37. I always use your affiliate link when I shop Amazon. :)And I would totally go for a presale bundle or multi-copies pricing. Yours is the website I most often refer to for parental advice (for myself and for others); I am sure your book would be a must-give to birthing friends.
    You’ve come a long way and I’m so proud of you!

  38. my thought?WHOOHOO! finally a book, along with penelope leach’s your baby and child, that i can feel good about giving any mom, regardless of their beliefs about parenting. good grief, they are needed.
    plus, i’m about to have another one and i fear i’ll be up at all hours again, googling ask moxie + whatever sleep deprivation-induced manic freak out panic i have at the moment. hopefully less than i once did about naps, but i’m sure it will happen.

  39. I’m not sure that agent was telling you the whole truth, because I’ve been trying to sell a super-controversial parenting book for about a year and it’s racked up dozens of rejections. I know another controversial parenting book that isn’t selling so well… In any case, I wish you luck with yours. I think people WILL read it.

  40. Amazing news! Looking forward to ordering one pre-whatever-you-called it! I too recommend the site to friends and family whenever I get the opportunity.

  41. YAY! I was one of the contributors to Ann Douglas’ first parenting book (The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby), and so I’m absolutely with ya on the ‘talk it out and take other people’s advice’ approach. It really works to give the breadth of experience and flavors of experience. Which is a lot of what you’re about – it is so very varied, there are a million billion ways to do it ‘best’. (I’ve actually been a contributor to five published books, most on parenting, childbirth, or lactation. Happy to make you getting published easier/smoother/more-Moxie-ish-by-being-collective-effort!)

  42. Oy, need to go to bed, I wrote ‘lactation’ when I meant ‘attachment parenting’ – yeah, some overlap, but not the words I was seeking…

  43. So happy you’re moving forward with the book. It is a book that needs to be out there. I love your approach and philosophy about how the book should be written. And it makes me sad to think that the state of traditional publishing is at the point where it needs to be controversial to sell.Looking forward to contributing to the process & if you need any help along the ‘swag’ lines, feel free to email me…it’s what I do in my day to day. Sending lots of good vibes your way!

  44. Yay! I’m so excited for an Ask Moxie book. Please remember your international audience when it comes to sales, etc. I’m a UK mum, recommended your site by another UK mum and frequently recommend you to other mum I know locally. I don’t know what the global breakdown of your audience is, but it would be interesting to find out. Yay! Booky goodness!

  45. The place you absolutely need to be for information about publishing via all methods is Their forums are full of real writers with all sorts of awesome advice.

  46. This is wonderful news!! I would definitely pre-order and would pre-order copies to give to friends. I refer everyone to your website, and all of your book recommendations (Between Parent and Child, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen…) are my go to parenting books. I think the type of book you are going to write will complement those great ones and will add something new too. Something about they way you present things has really resonated with me in a very unique way. Congratulations on your decision – so glad you are doing this!

  47. HOORAY! I only wish it had come out about 3 years ago, before I was pregnant with Evie. ;)But I will certainly give it as a gift to new moms I know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sent you links — especially the ones about 4-monthers, 18-monthers, and CIO — to other anxious parents.

  48. I will pray. When the book comes out, I will buy it and recommend it to all my new mom friends. Your blog is my favorite mom blog–really helped me feel sane/whole/accepted when my spirited firstborn was driving me nuts, and shaped my own spirit of nonjudgmental parenting support. I recommend it already to all my mom friends. Now that my second is 8 weeks old, I’m scrolling through your archives as I learn to do this all over again. A book will be such a wonderful companion! Thanks!

  49. I’m so excited to read this news! You are amazing and must have endless energy. I will buy several copies for sure.

  50. I think you’re freakin’ awesome, that’s what I think. There are a bunch of us who had babies at the same time…we’re all going to need a copy. 🙂

  51. Congratulations on choosing to make this happen for yourself…you are a wonderful inspiration to your kids and society in general.

  52. Congrats! As an author of 4 books (1 major publisher, 1 small publisher, 2 grant-funded ebooks), I applaud your courage.I also think a preorder is a great idea. I can’t wait to read this book!

  53. Holy Cr@p- I don’t check in for a few days and you drop this doozy! Congrats. Now I know 5 people expecting (well, 4 are babies)!

  54. I’ve been reading your blog for about three years now and I’m coming out of the lurkdom as a first-time poster to say:  if you write a book, I’m buying it. I have gotten so much advice and food for thought from you and the people who post on your blog. My husband and I are expecting our first child in December, so I expect to be visiting a lot more often over the next year. And while the Internet is great, I still love a good physical reference book to page through and dogear and write notes in. I can’t wait to get my hands on it!

  55. Let me say that those agents are going to kick themselves, hard, when they see how well your book sells without going to a publisher.I’m quite certain parents out there are in dire need of your brand of advice, commiseration, and real support without the controversy!
    Cheering you on!

  56. Late to the game. Adding my good vibes for the project.What a fabulous way to knit together the collective wisdom and knowledge you’ve gathered!
    Best wishes!

  57. Awwww thanks! I just reclntey did a redesign, so it makes me happy to hear someone likes it! And thanks for the sweet compliment about Mox. (And I just scoped your blog Bun is beautiful!)Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope to see you again.

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  59. It won’t be long before September is here. Take adaantvge of this last month of summer (yes, I know, technically it’s still summer in September, but no one really ACTS like it, do they?) by going to one of these free museums or other learning adventures. (Read all details not all are free to everyone, every day.) (These were taken from The List )

  60. I forgot to meiontn one really important tool I use Jott Assistant.Jott is a call-in service (automated) that asks me who I want to Jott . I can say, me , or the name of anyone else in my address list. I then speak the message (enunciating properly). I can get reminders if I want. Jott then sends the message to me (or whoever I Jotted) through my (or their) email address.So, if I am talking to a client when it is impossible (or very inconvenient) to jot it down, I call Jott and it does it for me. I have it set up under speed dial and it is the first record in my phone’s address book.It saves me time and the experience of having forgotten an appointment.

  61. Congrats on the book sales. It must be cool to know that so many people are reaidng your work! I can tell you that taking part in blog hops like Menage a Blog are well worth it, since that is where I first saw you and your books. And because of the great free book giveaway, I have the chance to read one of your books and will buy more…Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate how hard you writer folks have to work to get your name out to the public. I don;t know if people realize hw much time it takes to take part in a bloghops or interviews. I’ve been considering becoming a reviewer on a larger scale (I started my post-college life as a journalist specializing in media analysis and criticism – or more plainly – a reviewer of any and all media, as well as food/restaurants), but I can’t figure out how I will have the time, what with the dayjob and all. So, we’ll see.Keep up the hard work, though, because it is definitely paying off!Mara

  62. Hi Mara, thanks so much for the tothguhful comment and for taking the time to let me know that the blog hop last week really did make a difference. I met so many nice people during the blog tour. I had no idea that meeting super friendly readers would be part of the deal. A few readers told me that there was no way they would be able to afford to try the works of new authors without giveaways. Your post-college life sounds interesting. I do hope you can make time for reviewing books. Do you have a review site for all of your analysis/critiques of food and restaurants? Imagine the amazing review site you could start. Let me know if you do start reviewing books. I bet your reviews would be well thought out with that analysis and criticism background. Thanks again and good luck with whatever you decide to do!

  63. Wow, that’s amazing. I just put The Real Housewives of Olympus up last week so, I’m still banngig around like two virgins in the dark trying to figure out what else I can be doing. This was really helpful. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.

  64. Keep up this ambition and energy and you’ll most definitely hit your timeline! Good luck and good vibes every step of the way…Thanks for the reminder about Amazon. I will try to remember to click through here next time. Reading your site today, after a multi-week absence from the internet, I was inspired to send you coffee money through PayPal even though I hate PayPal and all the spam it seems to have shoveled my direction over the years.
    But when I got to PayPal, I couldn’t pull the trigger because (a) I’d have to add a new checking account since I haven’t used it in years, (b) while I do use my credit card online, something about PayPal has always made me scared to use it there, and (c) I still have nightmares about PayPal-related spam.
    My point…would you please please please consider sharing (in some way that doesn’t invade your privacy) a regular mailing address or PO Box so that us PayPal-paranoids can send you old-fashioned checks for your coffee money?

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