Confession for my soul

I'll be at BlogHer this weekend. I'm feeling anxious about it.

I do not have social anxiety, usually. I'm an extrovert (I know this is SHOCKING to you) and can talk to people in all kinds of situations. I can go to a party by myself and start up conversations and find something in common with anyone. But BlogHer is different. I get anxious thinking about it, and I just want to hide.

I mentioned this to my ex-husband last week, and he said, "It's because it makes you feel like you did back when we were married." And I knew he was right.

Back when we were married and both blogging, he went to BlogHer and I stayed home to take care of the kids. And I felt like he was a big blogging star and no one knew who I was or was reading me. I felt small and tentative, with little to offer. In life and in blogging.

That's the space I go back to at BlogHer and when I think about BlogHer. It's my battle to fight, to realize that I may not be famous and I may not be the Next Big Thing, but I write, and that means I should be there. And I'm not in competition with my ex anymore. I'm a different person than I was, and I never really was that small person anyway.

So I'm probably not going to do any excited BlogHer reports or recaps. But I may do some "I love New York" posts. And maybe a I-can't-believe-I-finished-this-last-final-and-group-paper-and-get-an entire-month-off-before-classes-start-again post once I've actually finished the final and paper.

What personal battles are you fighting this week?


27 thoughts on “Confession for my soul”

  1. Isn’t it amazing how circumstances can just take you back to an unhappier time? I’m constantly surprised whenever that happens to me.This week, I’m fighting some “this is my last week of maternity leave, do I really want to go back to work and leave my baby in daycare” demons. It’s a bittersweet time.
    Thanks for writing–I’m a big-time lurker fan (until now). 🙂

  2. Trying to come to terms & look for the good parts of not being able to find a new house we’ll be able to buy and move into before the sale of our current house closes at the end of August & having to move into a rental until we either find a house, or make a final decision to stop looking and build again. Part of this is related to halving our living space with 2 adults, a 2 year old, 2 cats, and 1 dog & not having extra room for escape.This on top of moving to a new city and having to start over with making mom friends, finding activities for Little One, and replacing all of our doctors. Just wishing it could be so much simpler than it’s turned out. Any one in Richmond, VA?

  3. I hope that over time you are able to redefine your connection to this conference. It seems like it would suck to feel that way every year. I’m curious if a different but equally relevant conference would present the same challenges. (Not that we don’t all do things that we know are unpleasant…)I *think* that my impatience and simmering anger are based on our inability to fix a particular financial problem (b/c it’s arbitrarily outside of our control through no fault of our own). I’m not used to being unable to control (or at least guide) household finances and this one has future repercussions. Needless to say, that stress is leaking into other areas of life (like, say, parenting a 4.75 yo who seems to be in a serious boundary-pushing phase). Since I don’t have control, I have to figure out a way to come to peace with it.

  4. I had signed up for BlogHer even though my blogging had slumped. In the end pressures (real and imagined) had me canceling and selling my ticket.Not long after I decided that the blog iteration I had is the wrong one. Now I’m trying to figure out how to find the energy to try again.
    I can’t find the quote but it came from the flurry of stuff about the percussionist auditioning for the BSO a few weeks ago. It basically was make this happen,…”or take away my desire”.
    I feel like that about blogging right now.

  5. Slim, I’ll probably have taken the final by EOD tomorrow, unless I totally suck, in which case I’ll take it on Wednesday. Group paper due Saturday, so even if I get my part written tonight it won’t be out of my life until then.THEN ONLY TWO MORE SEMESTERS.

  6. I’ll be fighting the one where I get back on my diet after my mother-in-law and her southern cooking (cobbler, come on!)go home.

  7. You are totally famous to me! Your blog helped me survive the first year of motherhood and inspired me to start writing again myself. Now I am heading to BlogHer for the first time and I’ll be the one fighting anxiety and the my-blog-is-so-small-I-shouldn’t-be-here feelings! I hope I run into you so I can tell you in person how awesome you are!

  8. I absolutely have these kinds of resonances, especially to situations where I was powerless. It’s a deep gut feeling that’s not hugely amenable to rational corrections. One thing I think is interesting is you’ve redefined success for yourself since those days – there was a time when you told us that you felt like blogging was all you had; now there are many things: cool job, school, book on the way…maybe you can size the conference down in your imagination.Anyway, what I’m fighting: trying very, very hard not to let family issues (sister & parents) distract from my focus on finding the path to a great new work situation. Also, cleaning out the clutter in my house, which is really hard for me.

  9. Trying to avoid being evicted from our apartment; trying to figure out how to change my life so that I am not always stressed about money. Trying to save my marriage.

  10. I just wanted to let you know that blogher are lucky to have you. I read all the big mom/parenting type blogs and please believe me when I say yours in hands down the one with the advice that’s actually helped me at 4am with my first and currently only born child.If I have a real life parenting question/problem/whatever , yours is the first ( before google!)website I look at it see if you have written about the topic. Sorry to gush! But I was so shocked that you didn’t know how awesome your site is I had to comment. Thanks for you all do! 🙂

  11. Feeling like I’m failing our family by not better balancing my work (from home) and my husband’s and toddler’s needs. I’m trying so hard to be more efficient, get my work done, get the babe on an earlier schedule so my husband and I have time to ourselves in the evenings. And yet here I am, NOT working and letting the baby oversleep again so I can have “me” time catching up on blogs, news, etc. The stress is having very negative effects on me physically, and yet I can’t seem to break my bad habits (and then stop beating myself up over it). And while I know time for myself is important, I feel guilty because my husband doesn’t really get any. When he’s not working, he’s taking care of our daughter so I can work, and even his “personal” time is spent on the chores and work around the house he wants to get done without our daughter in tow. And yet I keep “stealing” time when I’m supposed to be working and screwing everything up all over again. I keep promising myself, “tomorrow, I’ll do better” but so far I’m winning only at procrastination.

  12. You are famous to me too! My son is now six, and I spent MANY hours with you & your advice when he was teething and not sleeping, and developing and not sleeping. Etc. I live just outside NYC, and I was always sorry I didn’t get to meet you before you moved.I am struggling with getting out of a long, deep rut and reinventing myself. I haven’t worked in 18 months, didn’t particularly like what I did when I did work, and have no idea what else I could do. I am 42, have been doing the same basic kind of work for almost 15 years, and I feel locked into a skill set. (I’m a graphic designer) I would like to transition into a different area, using the same software skills that I’ve had so long, but I don’t know where to start.
    There are some bloggers I’d really like to reach out to for advice, but for the first time in my life, I’m intimidated. How do you just send an email to a stranger in the computer & ask her to have coffee with you so you can pick her brain?
    Whew! Thanks for the vent! I hope you enjoy your time @ Blogher & back in NY. And you get some unicorn cake!

  13. I just had a revelation of a similar nature, kind of. There’s a woman we run into about 2 or 3 times a year at social gatherings. She also puts me on edge. I always feel so awkward and dumpy around her. Plus, she’s kind of mean, frankly. We ran into her recently, and, sure enough, there I was feeling tongue-tied. On the way home, DH and I were talking about it and I said, “Oh, man, I recognize her–I went to college with a lot of women like that.” It was some hours later that what I had said sunk in, and I realized that that woman pushes my Presto! Now You’re Back In College With All Its Attendent Insecurities button. I don’t know if awareness of the source will help me, but it does feel good to finally understand a little better what’s going on there. Hope that self-awareness helps you, too!

  14. I’ll be at BlogHer Friday & Saturday. I’m generally an anxious person. But for some reason completely unbeknownst to me (and believe me, I’ve been trying to figure this out), I am not that anxious about BlogHer. Ok, that’s not totally true. I am anxious about not being able to get the sleep I need because I’m sharing a room with 4 other girls. Other than that, I’m just excited! I’ll keep an eye out for you so I can say hello in person, hopefully. I’ve been reading for years!

  15. I am embarking on a new sugar-free lifestyle. I have known for a while that I need to do this, with diabetes on both sides of my family and gestational diabetes with my second pregnancy. Baby #2 is now 18 months, and I realized that I needed to stop putting this off. My health is too important. I am one week in and already feel so much better.

  16. On day 4 of complete weaning from breastfeding. I’d been wanting to end sometime around now for a multitude of reasons. When DS kind of opened the door, I took it, rather unexpectedly. I generally like to plan something like this more. But the timing was right, and I figured not giving myself too much time to think about it would be a good thing.After 4 years, 1 month and 11 days of breast feeding, It feels a bit monumental to have made this step. I’m the last one that thought I’d BF that long. My goal while pregnant was to make it to one year. I think my hormones are a bit wacky. Today was not a great day (for me). DS is adjusting well, but I think it’s kind of a learning curve for both of us. I’m glad we’re done. But I’ll be happier when we’re not in the transition phase. I think it’s the same for DS. We’re kind of the same that way.
    @Charrise, De-cluttering on the agenda over here too. I just can’t take it anymore. Hopefully all will be done by the end of my vacation in a few weeks.

  17. I think I might run out of space on the internet if I ran through the personal battles I’m fighting in any given week. Already the hour a week with my therapist goes by in a flash. The short version is that I’m trying to square my self-perception with reality in a million different ways, and it’s a slow process. I’m mostly at the place where I feel one thing but know another — not unlike feeling insignificant at a big convention when you’re a superheroine to scads of moms and parents around the world. I’m at the place where I’m repeatedly having to give myself permission to entertain the good thoughts and feel the good feelings — the place where I can notice my insecurities for what they are, figure out pretty quickly what they’re about and where they’re coming from, but can’t quite yet put them down.I’m also trying to get the fundamentals of life in order (exercise! eat well! shower, pay bills, work on time, etc. etc.) but have no time for myself in doing so, then stay up late and undermine the fundamental of getting enough sleep or to work on time, and wind up upsetting the whole applecart.

  18. Trying to find a school for my daughter to start in the next few weeks… last year’s school declined to have her back and also declined to make this decision final until the very end of the school year so I’m way behind the curve. Also trying to decide whether I have the money to send her to the school that is probably the most appropriate for her.AND facing the fact that even though I just had her room painted and put a ton of energy and some money into fixing it up for her, and even though I have a lease until next June, and even though we have awesome landlords and neighbors including my daughter’s excellent friend living literally in our backyard… despite all this, we have to get out of this house. It’s way too small, and kind of literally crumbling around us. I had a dream today that my house was on fire and no one would help me put it out. God, my subconscious is SO subtle sometimes.

  19. Seriously? You are a blog super star in my eyes, and I would guess in the eyes of hundreds if not thousands of other moms who have thanked their lucky stars for your level-headed advice at 3:00 in the morning. Your blog was the first I ever read from start to finish. I think it should be required reading for all new parents. So stick that in your pocket, and have a good time!

  20. My youngest (11 mos) is going through some sort of extended sleep regression/teething/separation anxiety phase. I think it’s partly age, partly that I’ve been distracted by work commitments, and partly that her daycare teachers have been swapped frequently (due to idiot management/budget, ugh). So she’s not eating enough during the day, thus needing to make it up in the night. This needing an extra feeding at night is new to her, but now it seems like it’s become a habit and it’s like she’s forgotten (or never learned?) how to go back to sleep at night. I am tired, she’s tired, and I have now clue how to get her back to good sleep. Oh, and I forgot. Daycare has also decided that it’s time to prepare for transition to a new room. They’re doing this early for her age, probably due to spacing/budget issue, which in understand the practicalities, but it’s screwing up her nap schedule too. Really crappy timing.Also, this week I have to finish a project at work that I don’t want to do ab I don’t want do it because a.) it’s a type of project that I despise and b.) I don’t think it’s going to be successful, so it feels like a timewaster. But I’m required to finish it, so there it is. It’s dig deep time.

  21. I didn’t even know who your ex husband was until I had been reading you for years.Your blog has provided for mothers what so many message boards and other blogs never have. A place to get non judgmental advice and a bit of a pep talk about being a mother. Those who choose to comment are very respectful and very little to no drama occurs in your comment section. This isn’t because everyone agrees but because you have been able to foster an environment that encourages respect and thoughtful commentary. So many of the bigger bloggers have imploded but you have been strong and steady. You talk about motherhood without encroaching on your growing sons’ privacy. You have managed to create a blog with your ex to help others navigate such a difficult thing. Where other bloggers have devolved into narcissistic and angry diatribes refusing to allow anyone to disagree with them in their comments section, you have never done such a thing.

  22. Trying to not come unglued during these last few weeks of summer vacation.Between teething, older siblings fighting, travel and a couple of power outages (always after a trip to the grocery store) I’m done!

  23. I press the clerk said the Juicy Couture clothes into the water of the pen and water clean. Take it out and find that more white than before, and I was wondering if the Juicy Couture clothes dry meet to become yellow But the fact that I think are wrong, when get dry after the Juicy Couture clothes, find it really completely before more than white.Readmore:–could-be-bought-online

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