Q&A: Nanny overstepping bounds?

Anonymous writes:

"I have a question about attachment to child care helpers. My son is nearly two. He has always been cared for at home by a helper. We live in Singapore where part time help is not a viable option and so most people have a full time live-in helper, as do we. In our case, our helper does child care when my husband and I are at work (we both work full time) and when we come home around 6, we take our son out or play with him until his bedtime at 10 when we put him to bed. We spend the weekends with our son and without our helper.

Of late, our son seems to have emotionally distanced himself from me in particular but has become much more attached to our helper. One factor is that I am four months pregnant, so there were times during the first trimester when I was very tired after returning home and would rest for an hour or two while my husband took care of our son. However, our son now goes to our helper when he is upset for comforting and while we are happy that he can enjoy her company so much, it is a bit of a bitter pill to swallow. When my husband is traveling and it's just the three of us (me, our helper, and my son), he now often wants to play with her after work and cries if she leaves the room and he is left with me. Our helper has been with us for less than two months and I can't figure out if this attachment is inevitable given the differential in time spent with us vs. her or whether it is something that we should more actively try to reverse.

Our helper is a lovely person and very fond of our son. At the same time, she does physically take him away from me when he is upset (and he is happy to go to her) and occasionally puts me down in his presence, feeling the need to explain to me his thought process and saying things to him like "see, Mama doesn't know what to do." If she is around when I am feeding my son, she spontaneously reassures him that she will come and feed him and he then expresses a desire for that, even though I want to feed him when I am at home. Once she volunteers that she will come and feed him, he then begins to insist on that. When my husband travels, since I've been pregnant, I sometimes ask our helper to accompany us on outings and she insists on carrying our son when he should be walking and even when I press her to hand him to me, she resists (offering the explanation that she wants to help and avoid my expending too much energy). If she goes somewhere else while we are all out, she asks him to come with her. I often ask if he'd like to come with me and he usually elects to go with her. She has now sensed that I am unhappy with this situation and encourages him to include me, which frankly, feels very weird seeing as I'm already interacting with him at the time. But it doesn't help that he also seems to prefer to be with her so I don't want to drag him away against his will.

Over time, I have felt a very strange dynamic emerging between the two of us where I feel our roles have begun to overlap and even alternate. I find myself doing more of the support work, such as bottle washing etc. which is absolutely fine and something I regard as my responsibility, but I've also become the dreaded mother who insists he finish his dinner, brush his teeth etc. while she mainly plays with him and is a source of entertainment. I became a bit wary of her expectations when she told me with much pride that in her previous family, the child preferred her to the child's own mother and only wanted our helper when upset, needed to be fed and not her own mother and in the end, she felt the child regarded her as her true mother. I am not sure where to start with beginning to tackle all of this. There isn't really the option of having an involved discussion as our helper is Indonesian and has limited English. She also does not do any of this with my husband and never intervenes in his time with our son or takes him away from my husband or denigrates him in front of our son so we both find it strange that we have such different experiences with her.

Will this time pass or are there things I can do to reverse this trend? Am I being petty and should I just be happy that my son is happy? I don't really have the option of spending more physical time with him as my job is fairly demanding in terms of hours but I'm wondering what I can do to avoid a situation where she becomes the 'mother' and my son and I become more emotionally distant. "

OK, there's a whole lot to say about why this is all happening as your son turns two (separation anxiety!), but here's my takeaway from all of this: Your helper is deliberately denigrating you to your child. This is never ever ever acceptable. Fire her.

Yes, there were warning signs when she told you that her last charge preferred her to his mother. (Why would that be a good thing??) And the fact that she told you that with pride means that she really thinks that that's a good thing, not a bad thing. Even if she wasn't actively telling your son that you are incompetent, there's a fundamental mismatch in values there, so the only solution is to let her go to find a family who enjoys being put down to their children.

And then shake it off and move on. Anyone who's hired a babysitter (fulltime or part-time) knows it's largely a crapshoot. I've had the privilege of hiring the two best nannies ever, B and R, but I also hired some clunkers, including the one who showed up late and then wouldn't return my calls so I had no idea where my children were for hours. (Long-time readers may remember that, but I don't have the stomach to search for that post to link it.) And I hired a gem of a woman that wasn't a stellar fit for us but has turned out to be perfect for a friend's family for the past four years. This one bad helper doesn't mean the next one won't be amazing and will help facilitate your relationship with your son and the new baby instead of undermining it.

Is it going to upset your son to have this helper leave? Yes. Will it be far more damaging to him and the family in the long-term to have someone there who destroys his relationship with his mother? Yes, yes, yes. It's going to be a rough few weeks. I'm sorry about that.

In general terms, two can be a tough age for kids because of a very fierce round of separation anxiety that's part of their new knowledge that they are separate individuals from you. If you think about the very fierce "I do it!" stage of 16-20 months (although most of them can't even say "I do it!" so it's even more frustrating for everyone) plus all the food back-and-forth because that's about the only thing they can control, they spend all that time asserting their independence. So then when it finaly hits, they get really scared that they *are* a little bit independent, and separation anxiety hits, and they pull way back in on whoever they spend the most time with, regardless of how much they love the other people in their lives. This is the age at which some kids suddenly start screaming when in the presence of a previously adored uncle, or hate going to daycare after loving it for months, etc. This is precisely the stage for which the phrase "It's just a phase" was invented. It's a normal part of development and doesn't mean anything about how much they love you.

So it's totally normal that your son is going through this stage. And if your helper was someone who understood her role in his life I'd say just wait it out and in a month or two he'll be back to delightful. But she's actively trying to make him love her and undermine you as his mother. So that makes this stage abnormal and even worse for everyone.

I hope you find a good replacement who is able to give your son the care he needs while supporting your whole family and facilitating your relationships with each other.

Readers? I know I have some former and current nannies–do you have any thoughts on the appropriateness of this? Has anyone been in a similar situation in which a caregiver was undermining you to your child? What did you do?


75 thoughts on “Q&A: Nanny overstepping bounds?”

  1. I think your answer is right on the money, Moxie. I’m really interested to hear the nanny/former nanny perspective though.

  2. I agree. You should fire this helper. But if you can’t bring yourself to do that I would set some very strong boundaries about when she is with your son and when she isn’t. For starters you could simply tell her that she’s off duty from the time you come home and that she should either go to her room, or do some tasks you have identified.Dina http://www.itsnotaboutnutrition.com

  3. Fully agree that the back-handed criticisms of the mother in front of the child are a fireable offence. I haven’t had to deal with that, but I did let a nanny go after she repeatedly did a few things “her” way, rather than “my” way. I get that there is some give and take in these situations but (for example), if I say that the baby must be awake at a certain time to preserve bedtime, that’s a non-negotiable. This might be a salvageable relationship IF a firm discussion could be had with a warning at the end of it, but it doesn’t sound like that is an option. So, I agree – fire her. The nice thing about having a bad nanny situation is that when you hire the next nanny you will probably find it much easier to articulate your expectations, and acceptable/unacceptable behaviour.

  4. Agree 5000000%. There are certain lines that should never be crossed in these situations and it sounds like this woman has not only crossed them, she’s trying to erase them, too.A good caregiver knows that their job is to supplement the family, not replace it. I wouldn’t even go through the normal process of giving her a 2nd chance. If it’s not working, let her go as quickly and painlessly as possible. A long drawn out dismissal isn’t good for anyone, especially your son.

  5. I’m with you, Moxie. It’s the active pride in usurping the mother’s role that got me (and quite honestly made me think of that creepy movie Hand that Rocks the Cradle). Kids will exhibit these preferences on their own. For example, my friend’s mom watches her kids, and they often go to Grammy over Mom. But Grammy doesn’t encourage it or actively flaunt these preferences to my friend.What it boils down to is that the OP is uncomfortable with the situation and she should feel empowered to change it.

  6. Wow, if I was in this situation I would be harboring some nasty thoughts towards the “helper” and have knots in my stomach. I agree with Moxie to dispatch her asap. Is it possible to find helpers that do not live-in? Go through an agency, get references…Best of luck to Anon and her family…

  7. The boundaries of my family are very porous and I love to see my children bond with and love and sometimes even prefer other caregivers over me. (In fact, they tend to prefer others because I’m the hardline mom and the others tend to be more flexible. But somebody’s got to be the heavy!)So if your child was merely very attached to the nanny, I’d say, that’s great. It’s healthy for children to learn to attach to multiple people in different ways. It takes a village, yadda, yadda.
    But I did fire a nanny once and it was for something like what you’ve described here, just not nearly as bad.
    My former nanny would contradict me in front of the children. If I gave them an instruction, she would look sympathetically at them and say “your mom isn’t as fun as me, is she?” And once I overheard her, when she didn’t know I did, tell my daughter that no one loved her (my daughter) more than her (the nanny). And it wasn’t just a sweet, hyperbolic confession of love, it was delivered in a tone of secretive information that my daughter should not tell anyone.
    The kids’ attitudes towards this woman both at her arrivals and departures became oddly fraught (and I don’t think kids always display their emotions accurately, they are still learning what all their feelings mean) and I just had to let her go.
    She is the only caregiver I’ve ever had who I felt this way about. And we have had many. I really do want my children to love other adults besides me and I have no insecurities about sharing that love. I know they love me even when they seem to prefer others who are more fun. But all the caregivers have to be on the same team. Period.
    Now, if only I could fire my mother.

  8. Fire her! I’ve been in many childcare situations (where I was the employee) and I ALWAYS defered to the parent if he or she was present. This ‘nanny’ is setting an awful precedent for the child. A two year old does NOT call the shots and needs to know that the parents are in charge. Giving a young child so much control over a situation is unnerving to the kid and will most likely cause more negative behavior in the future.

  9. I do agree with Moxie that you should find a new caregiver whose values are better aligned with your own. I once backed out of an arrangement with a sitter the day before she was supposed to start because she told me that in a previous job, when the mom decided to stay home full time and let her go, she had to stay on for a couple extra weeks “so the baby could get used to being with her mother all the time.” Ugh.I do want to say though that there may be a cultural issue here (maybe…I could be off base too). I’m Asian and have often seen Asian nannies behave in a similar way, though not perhaps as undermining as Anon’s caregiver. I’ll never forget visiting my cousin, who had a nanny “imported” from the country of our heritage. They would play this game where they literally put the baby in the middle of the room and then both the mom and the nanny would call to her to see who she would crawl to. So weird.
    This is not to say that the way your caregiver is behaving is in any way acceptable–just that SHE may see it as perfectly normal and not malicious, and other families there may too. Which means it’s just something to look out for when you hire other help in the future. It sounds like this is the first time you’ve ever encountered this, so I’m sure there are plenty of non-underminer caregivers available and you just got a bad draw this time.

  10. I’d say, with this happening in Singapore, there is definitely a cultural dynamic with the way the helper is talking about the mama.Having lived with a Singaporean Chinese friend for 4 years, I have seen the sort of casual cut-downs that happen in her culture. It really rubs me the wrong way, but when you’re raised in it, it seems you toughen up and don’t interpret it the way someone outside the culture might.
    Does that mean it’s okay? Not if the mama is trying to maintain a Western family dynamic; it will be too confusing for the kid!
    However, it is probably helpful to understand – if/when she does go about firing the helper – that the helper may have no real clue what she’s talking about in terms of “denigration” or all the other stuff. She’s been going through the motions as best she knows how – encouraging the kid to interact more with the mama, etc. But the way she’s explaining it in her email, it seems really clear to me that the helper really doesn’t “get” what the mama is asking for.
    Language barriers and cultural differences are HUGE. In the next hiring process, it would probably be good to have references from a Western family and someone with a bit more English. 🙂

  11. Hm. This is a tough one only because of the location. I have had two friends who have lived as expatriates in Singapore and in both cases, they reported that the nanny culture there is very different from the culture here. (I’m obviously making the assumption that Anonymous is an expatriate.)Many nannies, it seems, are accustomed to taking over the role of mother (instead of stepping in as an extra pair of hands) while the ‘stereotypical’ expat wife is more involved in social activities or with work than with her children. This might explain why the nanny in question bragged about being such an effective mother stand-in – for what may be the majority of families hiring help, that’s what they’re after.
    That’s weird to me, and I would definitely be uncomfortable and looking for another nanny, but then I do feel that there is a disconnect of both culture and language here, not malice, that is almost certainly the cause.
    This is all based upon third-party anecdotes, not personal experience, so I hope that someone who is either living or has lived in Singapore can either confirm or deny what I’ve written.

  12. I should clarify that Anonymous is herself from Singapore, but lived in the States, so it’s not the same cultural gap as if she was a Westerner coming in with no cultural knowledge.Electriclady, that game is just weird…

  13. I agree with Moxie. If your son was presenting the same way but your helper was trying to facilitate his bond and attachment with you vs trying to undermine it, that would be a different story. I was a nanny for years while in school and when this happened with the 2 year old I was watching (who started calling me “mommy”), I would gently remind her that I wasn’t her mommy but her babysitter. When her mom was around, I deferred to her and tried to encourage the baby to go hug her or show her toys or whatever. It will be hard for your son, so maybe think about timing. Maybe take a week off to spend with him in between nannies for example. Good luck!

  14. I agree with Moxie’s suggestions. A good helper/nanny adds to the family structure (I happen to have one and it’s great). We work as a team to deal with my child’s issues, growth, successes, etc. This helper is creating a rift in the family, therefore the family remains and the helper goes. Not knowing the Singapore helper culture, I don’t know if there is some type of agency, mediation, etc. that the mother could try, but, honestly, NO ONE puts me down in my house in front of my children, period. One case of that and that helper is gone, mediation/translation be done.

  15. I was going to say that it sounds like a cultural thing to me, too. Not because I know anything specific about the culture in Singapore, but because it just sounds like that. It sounds like she thinks she’s a wet nurse, not a helper. I can picture every singly thing you described as seeming appropriate *to her* with that context.Which doesn’t really change the answer. If anything, it makes it even less likely that you’d be able to change her behavior to better fit what you need. So I agree; start afresh and be very clear from the get-go that you are Mommy. I like the idea of giving the (new) helper a specific time to transition from childcare-help to household-help (assuming that’s the setup; it sounds like it is). And I’d definitely try to find someone who’s worked with a western family before.
    LOL at @me, because I was absolutely thinking of my mom when you were describing the sort of boundary-overstepping you’d experienced!

  16. This is a painful topic for me. I think maybe, as a mother of multiples who needed constant help, I was more anxious than most about whether my babies would recognize me as their primary caregiver. But I also think being a nanny is a tough life, regardless of culture; it must be hard to bond with other people’s children, yet always remind yourself that you’ll have to leave one day, whenever your employer tells you to, and the kids will go on just fine without you.Whenever our nanny & I had clashes about boundaries – and we did often; we’re both control freaks, and sharing territory with another alpha female didn’t come naturally to either of us – I tried to balance my feelings with compassion for hers. But I also knew that SHE was trying to balance her needs with what was best for the kids. And she agreed with me wholeheartedly that their primary bond needed to be with their parents.
    I think that reciprocity is a big part of what’s missing here. It’s fine for her to want your child to love her, and see her as someone he can go to for comfort. It’s NOT fine if it makes you feel insecure about YOUR ability to comfort your child. Not just because that’s unbelievably hurtful to you, which it is; but because the fact is, this woman is not going to be a permanent part of your family. You and your son *both* need to have confidence that he will feel secure with you when she’s not around.
    That’s what rings a chord for me about your letter. It sounds like you’re not feeling secure enough – in your own mothering abilities, in your own judgment – to stand up to her. I want you to feel that you can. And you should. There is someone who’s a better fit for your family and your values out there.
    Good luck.

  17. I agree, fire her immediately.Going forward, I would set the expectation with the next one that child care ends when I get home from work and then their responsibilities are house work, dinner, running errands, grocery shopping or the night off. I think having the helper removed from the home or really busy with other things will make it easy to set a clear boundary.

  18. Agreed with a lot of the other comments I’ve skimmed through here. I 100% agree with Moxie. I also think it may be at least in part cultural. But that doesn’t make it OK for you. I would definitely fire her and look for someone who’s a better match for you moving forward.I’ve only had part-time mother’s helpers and only one that I felt was undercutting me in any way. (There were plenty of other flaws, just not that one.) I hated that, and it was very mild compared to your situation, which sounds very unpleasant.
    Hang in there and no, it’s not you, it’s her!

  19. Just wanted to chime in with some encouragement to trust your gut feeling – that what’s happening is not good for you and your family, and it needs to be changed.ITA with what @Moxie said, and also with the silver lining that @Jac points out: “The nice thing about having a bad nanny situation is that when you hire the next nanny you will probably find it much easier to articulate your expectations, and acceptable/unacceptable behaviour.”
    I definitely found this was the case after we lived through a bad daycare situation. It’s so much easier now to be upfront with what we’re expecting from childcare providers and to confront problems when they arise.
    Sending lots of strength and courage to make the changes you need, to have a childcare situation that’s great for your family.

  20. AGREE. FIRE.I wish I could have fired my mother-in-law when she did the same thing to me back when my oldest was two.
    (We ended up moving away — not because of her, but for job-related reasons. Son was sad for a couple months, but got over it. After all, he still sees them for visits, Christmas, etc. And as for me? MUCH happier.)

  21. That’s the thing about boundaries – sometimes we don’t even fully realize what they are until the moment somebody crosses them. Ugh, @Anon, you have my sympathies. I’m with @laura and @wendy that there seems to be a cultural piece to this situation that may need more exploration, and tighter boundary-setting, with regard to future hires.”There isn’t really the option of having an involved discussion as our helper is Indonesian and has limited English.” Really? Certainly, @Anon could find someone from the Singaporean-Indonesian community to translate an involved discussion. Is it that @Anon is too intimidated/scared/has already given up on the idea to have that kind of discussion?
    Unless @Anon is willing to make a couple of small changes in her management style, she runs the risks of repeating the same pattern with the next nanny.
    @Anon said: “I find myself doing more of the support work, such as bottle washing etc. which is absolutely fine and something I regard as my responsibility, but I’ve also become the dreaded mother who insists he finish his dinner, brush his teeth etc. while she mainly plays with him and is a source of entertainment.”
    This is the part @Anon can change today because it is about her own behavior. @Anon can start exerting some authority over her employee – “Please give me my child because you need to take care of X, Y, and Z chores now.” Silence. Repeat as many times as necessary until the nanny does what she is told. Full stop.
    The nanny has shown that she is fully capable of behaving respectfully towards the child’s father! “She also does not do any of this with my husband and never intervenes in his time with our son or takes him away from my husband or denigrates him in front of our son so we both find it strange that we have such different experiences with her.” That’s the part of this that galls me. Again, maybe there is a cultural reason that the nanny would choose to respect a father but not a mother. Be that as it may, if this dynamic continues, my concern is it could become an issue within the marriage.
    Bottom line: don’t be scared to be the boss in your own home, and to demand your paid employees follow your orders or go work somewhere else. That may sound harsh, but IMHO it’s the only way that works long-term and respects everyone’s boundaries.

  22. Thanks for all your very helpful input! This is indeed a great resource! A big part of this is cultural which is hard to convey as our experience with finding child care help has been so different her than in the US. We’ve unfortunately been through 4 previous helpers (in a year) and had to fire them for stealing, talking on the phone for hours while ‘taking care’ of our son, with all being totally disinterested in child care in spite of interviewing with the greatest of enthusiasm for our son and apparent skill at interacting with kids. So we were finally happy to find someone who actually enjoys that part of the job. We’re resisting the idea of firing her because it’s been so difficult to find someone who is happy about hanging around with a toddler all day and this has been not only our experience but that of many friends. We’ve always done reference checks and interviews both at home and at agencies, but Singapore has a weird system in a way. To make a long story short, the current employer saves a lot of money if the helper is re-employed in Singapore so people are inclined to give glowing references. The industry is also really transient so most helpers have been fired many times and we were also relieved to find someone who had finished two lengthy contracts with both her previous employers. It’s also a bit different to the US where being a helper is less of an active choice for many, but rather an economic decision as they are paid quite high salaries compared to what they could earn back home so the level of intrinsic motivation is quite variable. Many helpers have not completed an elementary school education so other options are quite limited. If we don’t fire her, I feel an abstract conversation about my role vs. her role will likely not work as laura and others have pointed out – too much is lost in communication and we’ve done that several times. I did meet her previous employer and got the sense that she wanted more of a surrogate mother than a support person, so this is a new dynamic for our helper. The weird part for me is that she is totally respectful of my husband and never usurps his authority and could not be more different around me. I’ve also very unaccustomed to having any house hold help – I’m originally Indian but lived in the US for most of my life and my husband, who is Dutch, is totally unfamiliar with this situation. My husband’s suggestion was initially to give her a second chance given that she really enjoys our son and that has been very hard to find. But now he is finding it difficult to stomach too and wants to have less of a creepy situation. Anyway, we were hellbent on firing her when my husband returns tomorrow from the US but now are having 2nd thoughts. The primary reason for this is that I recently found out that my baby has severe intrauterine growth restriction (symmetric) at 16 weeks so I feel we at least need to get through this period with minimal disruption as the pregnancy is uncertain and this is causing me a lot of distress. I cannot thank all of you enough and look forward to reading more feedback! It’s incredibly valuable to read everything here!

  23. Fire her.The behavior is typical for the child’s age and my daughter went through a preference period for each person in the family, one after the other. She only wanted one and would reject all others. It is heart-breaking to be rejected.
    However, the nanny should be encouraging your bond with your child, NOT stepping in or taking the child away from you.
    I implore you to get her out of your life, rebuild your relationship with your child, and find a new caregiver that will support your role.

  24. Just to respond to hush whose post I just read – we asked an Indonesian friend to mediate and help convey our point. That’s when we felt that abstractions were not easily communicated as our helper was confused by the discussion and only when we focused on particular episodes, did she begin to understand. However, not much changed and I don’t know whether she disregarded what we said or whether she was not able to generalize to new situations. We also asked the agency to speak with her as they offer counselling but it was very hard to communicate the problem to the agency – they were very focused on concrete issues (e.g. is the baby being fed, does she change diapers?). But I agree absolutely that I need to deliver more iron-fisted responses when these boundaries are being crossed. I’m sure this is evident by now, but I’m not by nature an authoritative person so no matter who works in our home, this is a communication style that I do need to learn.

  25. My late MIL grew up in Indonesia in colonial days, before 1948. Her ayah was not so much a nanny as a personal surrogate mother dedicated 100% to her charge.MIL missed her ayah a lot later, and was an unhappy mother herself. She really wanted to hand her kids over in the same way.
    That does not make any hoot of difference to the need to let this helper go. As in it’s not a healthy dynamic at all. But I do agree that there is a cultural angle to it.

  26. And don’t be hurt by the rejection thing. My daughter just turned two and is going through that. She used to let daddy do bedtime, stories etc. but now it’s ONLY me or else it’s neverending cying/screeching. And she has gone from an independent, happy toddler to a clingy whiny tot who needs almost constant comfort! I remember a similar phase with her older brother, and it eventually passed.

  27. I agree that she is probably not a nanny you want because she is actively usurping your role as parent. On another note, when I’ve chosen child care, I’ve always thought that it doesn’t matter if the caregiver seems perfect to other people- if you don’t feel comfortable, even without a reason, find someone else. It’s vital to have complete trust and confidence in your child’s caregiver and to feel comfortable, or you will be miserable and it will rub off on your child. I once didn’t choose a perfectly good daycare because I thought the playroom felt too dark. Now I have a daycare we love, where the caregivers have the same philosophy as I do, and it has brought peace and happiness to the family.

  28. Anon, after reading your response above, I just want to hug you. I have no helpful advice, unfortunately, having never been in this situation. But I can imagine how stressful this must be for you, especially after discovering your baby’s IUGR. I’m sending you good thoughts from the opposite side of the world.

  29. Anon, after reading your follow up comments above, I think you’re definitely in a tough situation. While my instinct would be to fire her, for all the reasons Moxie cited in her original response, it seems like you might have a difficult time finding a good replacement and that your pregnancy complications will add further disruption to what will already be an upheaval for your son.Since the nanny has limited communication skills and understood best when you provided concrete example of situation, I wonder if you could give her concrete instructions to improve the situation in the short term.
    For example:
    -Treat me (the mother) with the same deference as you treat my husband (the father).
    -Do not, under any circumstances, criticize the parents to the child.
    -Do not intervene or interfere when the child is with his parents, unless the parents specifically request assistance from you.
    -You are to complete certain chores (bottle washing and so on).
    As I said, were it not for the complicating factors, I’d say to fire her immediately, but perhaps you can find a way to salvage the situation, at least for the short term.
    For my fellow Americans, on the cultural differences: one of my neighbors is originally from India and she and her husband lived in Singapore for several years when they were first married. When her first daughter was born, she was out walking with her one day and was asked repeatedly how long she’d been the child’s nanny! When they moved here, she was so accustomed to having full time help her husband agreed that they would have a cleaning service come twice per week, which continues to this day.
    @Anon – Good luck!

  30. Sigh. I started reading thinking that, as a childcare provider, I’d stand up for the nanny. But…yea. the cutting you down in front of the child is just not okay.Nannying is such a tough job, though, because while it is a JOB it also takes a lot of love. I’ve never watched children long term (even semi longterm, like a month) without falling in love with them. There are families that I’ve known for years where I’d happily (well, not happily, but I hope you know what i mean) where I’d raise the kids if the parents died. It can be a really, really strong bond.
    I am also…uncomfortable with the idea of giving orders to a nanny. Ideally it should be a partnership, and while OF COURSE the parents have the final say, I find that it works best to have discussions about things–e.g. “I am finding that Jimmy won’t go to sleep. I wonder if it would help to wake him earlier in the afternoon?” That said, if the nanny is not doing this/doesn’t agree with you and isn’t willing to reconsider her position, THAT is a problem. And I think the collaboration works better when there is a problem–e.g. “Maggie’s been biting people. What should we do?” Parents know THEIR child best, and nannies often know children better. Together, in the right relationship, I think this is a huge bonus.
    BUT. This is not Anon’s situation. You are finding this unworkable, and your nanny has crossed a line that you are uncomfortable with. It is natural for a child to prefer the nanny sometmes (just as sometimes he/she will prefer mom or dad) but, obviously, the nanny doesn’t get to actively encourage that. So yea, fire her, and maybe next time try to figure out ways to get past that cultural idea of what nannies in Singapore are “supposed” to be. Good luck!

  31. What a tricky situation. I’m sorry. And I’m so sorry to hear about your stress surrounding the IUGR… sending good growing vibes! My cousin and his family are expats in Singapore, and I’ve heard how hard it can be to find a good helper that is a good match with your family. But I guess I would suggest being as firm and clear and succinct as possible in the short term as far as your expectations. Keep her while you deal with your pregnancy-related issues, but start looking for a new helper if possible, and then fire her when you feel it is a better time to do so. I truly believe that you can find another helper that is very interested in your son but also interested in respecting you and your family dynamic. Best of luck! Keep us posted!

  32. @vanessa – I’m one who recommended that in this specific situation, @Anon needs to start giving this particular nanny some orders. Yes, I said orders. You say you are “uncomfortable with the idea of giving orders to a nanny. Ideally it should be a partnership, and while OF COURSE the parents have the final say, I find that it works best to have discussions about things.”At the risk of perpetuating some false dichotomies, I want to add that I think @vanessa has articulated spot-on the stereotypical “Western” female feelings/neuroses about relating with household employees. We don’t like to say we “give orders,” instead we “have discussions.” We want to be “partners” with our paid employees, not their “boss.” Even though “of course the parents have the final say,” we like to feel like the relationship is collaborative, even democratic. I can definitely appreciate that perspective. But with those cultural norms as the backdrop (“be nice, be friends’), it can sometimes be tough to find an effective, authoritative leadership voice — and especially hard for a woman supervising another woman, each with different cultural backgrounds.

  33. I don’t have any insight into the nanny question except to say that Moxie makes a lot of sense here.What I did want to say is that I’m sorry that you’ve have an IUGR diagnosis. My friend went through this with her son (also symmetrical) and it was very difficult. He’s now 2 years old, so it can have a happy ending.
    Be well.

  34. OP, we had our DS in a not-great daycare situation when I was having a difficult pregnancy. We wrestled with whether we were up for changing situations with a scary health situation; was there something better out there? what changes were they willing to make?Ultimately, *we* decided it was okay to keep him there, because it felt like the best thing under the circumstances. For me, part of that package was letting them raise him their way. I mean, there were a few concrete changes they were willing to make, mostly around toilet training, but for the most part they simply already had a set of philosophical ideas about who children are, what motivates them, what they need at a given stage. It wasn’t that they weren’t receptive to my ideas, it was that the simply saw it differently, the things they did that worked well were things that they had evolved with a lot of thought and care, and I couldn’t make them be me. They did a better job, even by my standards of what I wanted, being them than by me constantly asking them to be not-them. I think this is to some degree simply a part of giving your child into someone’s care.
    Of course, there are lines. For me, their approach toward toilet training was a line, and they agreed. But it wasn’t them agreeing to see it my way, it was them accepting a concrete set of behaviors (not attitudes) around one single behavior. And it was the limits of what was possible to ask them. I think if we’d had a better situation, it would not so much have been them being more receptive, as their inherent selves being better kindred spirits for us.
    I agree that it’s ideal to find someone whose natural way of doing things feel good to you and to your child. Just, IME, sometimes finding someone safe that your child loves may be the best that is available at that moment. And that’s okay. To feel, No, this isn’t great, but it’s what we have and soon it will get better.
    One more thing: as hard as this feels, I think it’s important to let go of wanting you child to want you more. His feelings are real, and I think it’s confusing and not helpful to him to be saying, “But don’t you want this?” if he clearly doesn’t.

  35. Since your nanny defers to your husband, is there any chance he can talk to her and try to exert his influence over the situation? I obviously wouldn’t suggest this at all except for the clear cultural differences that exist here – maybe if he tells her that the expectation is she do household help rather than childcare help after you’re home from work, she’ll listen? Of course, it could just make her resentful of you and make things worse when he travels, but that’s the only idea I have. It sounds like it would be a bad time for you to switch based on the pregnancy complications and the difficulty in finding responsible people to begin with, but I agree with others that you’re the boss, and she needs to defer to you as the mom.

  36. @hush I agree that it is difficult, and I wonder if part of my discomfort comes from my whole Quaker school we’re all friends here everyone is equal hippy dippy background.I also think there is some very, very significant cultural baggage attached to wealthier women telling poorer women what to do. (see Delpit’s “Other People’s Children” for a much better discussion of this). And I am not just uncomfortable with orders in this setting but in pretty much any setting.
    That said, I DO think there are ways that the employer can tell the employee what to do. I guess I just think that the framing has to be right for that partnership. When I nannied, we had a clear contract that I adhered to. If something wasn’t clear, I brought it up. As it turned out it was a horrid fit–I’m sure they were perfectly nice people but I was 19 and they once yelled at me because I used bath towels to clean up an overflowing toilet when nothing else was available. Which, wahtever.
    I am now talking about nannies generally, not Anon specifically, btw–Anon, definitely fire her.
    Hush, I think you are right that it is a very Western and to some extent female way to frame things. That does not make it wrong. And there are situations where nannies are rightfully frustrated with their employers–I know a LOT of nannies who’ve had kids that were just allowed to treat the nannies like dirt because the kids were used to getting everything they wanted, parents felt guilty about going to work and so spoiled them and/or were way too overprotective, etc.
    And there’s the reverse: I’ve known a couple of families who found out the nanny was doing something so egregious–in one case hitting the child–that it boggled the mind. The nanny thought that since it was HER culture, it must be OK. So I guess I think that really clear boundaries need to be drawn out at the beginning–e.g. “this is how we discipline our child: you can deviate in xyz ways, but NEVER EVER do abc”.
    But. Sorry, I’m writing you guys a novel. I’m wondering what people think about this: who is the nanny primarily responsible to? Is her loyalty to the child or the parent? Obviously in an ideal world that would be one and the same, but it isn’t always. For example, I used to babysit all the time for 2 girls. Lovely girls and I really liked their mother, too. The thing is, she (the mother) would just yell and yell. In much the same way I would not tell parents who spank if their child has misbehaved, I found myself lying to protect the girls–not to protect them from abuse, but to protect them from something I did not agree with. So I’ve always felt that my real partnership, to some extent, is with the child. That’s my primary goal: to support the child. I try to marry that with supporting the parent as much as possible, and usually they dovetail rather perfectly. I’m curious to know what others think, though. I think it is good for kids to love people other than their parents, and I think it is good for them to know that, for example, Mommy allows TV but Vanessa doesn’t: Vanessa will wrestle with you but Mommy won’t.
    Hmm. I appear to have a lot to say about this.
    Like I said, though, this is not super applicable to Anon, who I think should fire her nanny.

  37. hmm. Anon, I can see why you wouldn’t want to let her go, under the circumstances. If you were in any less tricky of a situation, I’d be in the chorus, chanting “fire her” (and I still think you should) but:Do you and your husband get home at the same time? Can he be “bad cop” and firmly reassign her to household chores vs childcare? Normally, I’d say you should woman up and do it yourself, but you’re in the middle of a difficult pregnancy and he can totally do the heavy lifting in stressful situations right now.
    As for the preference: both of my kids have had strong preferences for either my husband or I at various times. They seem to switch on a whim. My daughter was particularly brutal with it – she would keen for her daddy for about 6 hours a day from the time she was 1 until she was about 2.5. It was awful and made me feel like crap, especially since I was staying home full-time at the time. She eventually switched parents and my son has been even more fickle. Don’t take it too personally; it’s part of the age.
    My biggest concern about this nanny is: what do you do after the new baby is born? It would seem like a bad idea to rely more on her for your older son (which may make him feel rejected by you) and I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want to start an infant out with someone like that.
    Good luck.

  38. I don’t have anything useful to add since we’ve only done the daycare search once and it’s worked out well so far.But OP, can you start the process of finding someone else, but not in a too-stressful-full-speed-ahead sort of way? Then you can really take your time, look around at candidates and figure out the hard questions to ask.
    Can you and your husband make it clear to the helper that once either of you is home from work you don’t need her childcare help anymore and give her specific things to do (like the aforementioned bottle washing)? Since your pregnant and need to take it easy, you should give *her* all of that grunt work and enjoy the time with your son. Or heck, give her the evenings off and see if that’ll get her out of your house for a while?
    Your son loves you – don’t ever worry about that for a moment. Good luck.

  39. Fire her. The sooner the better. She is the wrong person to be taking care of your child because she does things to damage your relationship with him.This lady has a problem, but your son is not the answer.

  40. Hi, sorry if my response is a bit discombobulated but I am sick in bed with the flu so my thinking is a little erratic.I live in Singapore. I moved here a year ago with a 2year old+ and was 34 weeks pregnant so I am very familiar with the situation you find yourself in in some respects.
    Yes there are major cultural differences and language barriers can be a HUGE problem. One for me was the use of certain words that I understand as having one meaning but helpers seem to have picked up but with a slightly different meaning so things can often be quite tricky.
    As far as 2 year old feelings – mine too also started wanting our helper more (& I can’t blamer her as our helper is wonderful) but this eventually passed so I think that sort of attachment is normal.
    THAT SAID, the major alarm bell that goes off is about the difference in how she treats you and your husband. This is the thing that would concern me most though one could figure it has something to do with the fact that you are pregnant and have been tired so she is trying to help…. but that doesn’t bode well.
    Interrupting, taking the child away without your consent and putting you down (even though that could be language related) are absolutely not acceptable. My helper would NEVER dare do such a thing.
    I’ve had a number of friends who’ve had similar issues. I benefited from my Doula here giving me some advice regarding thinking through ahead of time what sort of role I wanted my helper to play in my family and then setting firm ground rules. To give you an example – she told me about a friend of hers whose kids when they are scared at night will crawl into bed with their helper (which is surprising if only for the fact that most helpers have toddler size beds as I am sure you know). These parents don’t mind and like that their children are so comfortable with their helper. However my Doula said that for her that was an absolute NO-NO and made it clear to her helper that She the mother was in charge of all bath,bedtime routines, etc… basically delineating who does what.
    I did this at first too though eventually when baby #2 came, I was happy on occasion to have Cherry put our daughter down. Being clear about what is expected and acceptable is important – like not interrupting you when you are speaking/dealing with your child unless you request help, etc.
    I would say generally be clear when you hire them (& a friend of mine found that actually making a little household guide and putting it in writing really helped) If they don’t do it sit down with them and explain and if you are still not getting through – then change helpers as there are so many wonderful helpers out there.
    Even if your son is extremely attached to her, he will get over it. It will likely take a few weeks and will entail a few tantrums but trust that your new helper if you go down this route will win him over. I’ve just seen this happen with my own eyes with a friend of mine who was miserable because of a situation very similar to yours and is now over the moon with her new helper.
    Just get it sorted out before you have the second baby!
    good luck
    ps. on the “i am better than the mother front” it is tough as they are sometimes trying to find the right words to tell you that they are very good with kids. Mine too told me that the kids preferred her to her “mam’ but she managed to convey both the fact that she loved the kids very much but also how sad and unnatural that was. I’d be wary of the boasting of such a thing.
    pps – feel free to contact me via my blog if you want to talk about it or compare agency notes etc.

  41. I can understand the reluctance to “give orders.” But at the end of the day, the nanny is your employee. Yes, she is a helper in your home, and you’d hope to be on good terms. But as in anything else, it doesn’t work well for a boss and employee to try to be on equal footing. You aren’t.I had a nanny situation that went on for far too long where she was overstepping all sorts of bounds (with, I think, good intentions, mostly) and I was too wimpy to tell her NO. Eventually we parted ways and I started fresh with new helpers, and was able to be more assertive from the start due to my prior experience. Sometimes it takes practice!
    SO, given your pregnancy issues, if you think you have it in you to try to be the “boss”, I’d give it a shot and see what happens. If after a short trial it doesn’t work, I think you should find someone new.
    So sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds awful!

  42. Hopefully my input will make OP feel better. I was in a similar situation with my childcare provider and was able to work through it, or at least work it out to the point I felt comfortable with her again. Like your nanny, mine is also by far the best childcare provider I’d ever met with; never uses cell phone, is extremely attentive, loving and hard-working. But in our first year there was often an uncomfortable competitive vibe and she clearly loved it when my son “chose” her over me.What worked for me, after some trial and error, was to totally ignore any “off” comments she made and not let it show at all that she was bothering me; I told myself that there was nothing for her to be competitive about, because we simply weren’t in competition. Also, I found that she responded well to being asked for help or advice (eg taking her seriously as a childcare professional). Sometimes I could really use that to my advantage: “oh, you’re SO much better than me at clipping baby’s fingernails or (insert other loathsome childcare task here), it would be really great it you could do that.”
    Maybe after almost four years as my employee my nanny doesn’t feel as insecure, or maybe I feel a lot more secure as mother, but I don’t hear as many bothersome comments as I used to. Know that no childcare provider can EVER replace you in your son’s heart – sure, a nanny beckoning him to play might seem more appealing in the moment than mom making him brush his teeth – but you will always be number one.
    Ironically, even though my older son absolutely adored his nanny (and still does) I now have a second son who sobs every time I leave the room, and I find myself wishing he was a little more attached to her!

  43. @anon (the op), just wanted to send more hugs from over here. I totally know the feeling of thinking your child is not in the optimum care situation, having language issues to complicate matters, and not having any easy alternatives or lots of choice. I think ultimately you’ll make thaw choice/decision you need to make, when you need to make it. Hang in there..

  44. OP, if you are committed to trying to make it work with this nanny, I think it would be empowering to find ways to lay down some rules. It would be empowering anyway. That need not look like “giving orders,” and should certainly not look like “having a discussion” — but it should be done firmly and assertively, and should be backed up as needed. Kind of like making your child brush his teeth.I do think if it’s possible to fire the nanny, you should. She’s creating a dynamic in the family that’s harmful to everyone. It can certainly wait if it needs to though — it’s not as though she’s endangering your child.
    For what it’s worth, I’ve had to let a “nanny” go (this one was a college student, and more like a regular babysitter, about 9 hours a week total). She was just . . . well, the dealbreaker was that she was unsympathetic towards a crying baby. No way could I leave my 7 month old baby with someone who wouldn’t try to comfort him. But another nanny I employed in a part-time nanny share was a dream. She’s not perfect, but she’s close, and she’s a close friend of the family now. It’s not just that she’d try to clean the kitchen if there was time (though she does) or that she’d take on the jobs that were easy for her because my son doesn’t give her a hard time about them, as he does for me (yes! Cut his nails! Wash his hair! Spare us the battles!). It’s all those things plus the fact that I can consult with her about my child, and she has insight — she’s read a lot, she’s got experience, she knows my kid, she knows me, and she can work with all that to helps me understand sticky situations with my child and find ways forward. My son loves her, but he loves me too — he loves me like a mom.
    OP, good luck with it all.

  45. I should add that with the dream nanny, with the household chores, we often tag-team. We work together based on what I need and what the family needs, and sometimes also on what she needs. So it’s not as if she’s necessarily working away in my kitchen by herself (though sometimes she is), but more as if she’s helping clear the way for me to get out the door if I need to, or working with me to get things settled while I put the baby down for a nap, or … There’s a sort of “what do you need” negotiation, so it’s not all about childcare or household care but family functionality and good childrearing. It’s a different set-up from a babysitter or daycare.

  46. I am American living overseas and working with a new nanny right now. I think Dawn’s advice is perfect. I think this situation can be saved if the OP gives specific, concrete instructions on what the nanny should do and not do.

  47. Hi – we lived in Asia for several years when our boys were young and I would say it is very likely a cultural thing and one that is very hard to explain to the nanny in question as – at least in the local families we saw – the role that your nanny is trying to play in your household was the role expected of them in non-expat households. We had similar situations and honestly we went through several nannies until we found one that had travelled a bit, spoke better english and could understand the difference in expectations from a foreign family – largely because she had previously worked for other expats. It wasn’t easy though and required constant vigilance on our part – all of them were lovely nannies but it was always hard instilling the boundaries. We are now in the African region and do not have this problem at all as there is not the same local expectation on the role of nannies in the household. In summary, I agree that you should start looking for another nanny that is more familiar with the role that you want her to play in your family. It would be good to have it sorted out before the baby arrives as we found that the difficulties were even greater with a newborn in the house. Good luck!

  48. I am american, so I agreed with most of the postings that this is not a healthy dynamic from my upbringing and my viewpoint.I will also say that in other cultures – eastern european, for one – and other families for that matter, this is rather normal behavior on the part of the nanny. i have personal experience with caregivers and family members from eastern europe and asia. joking around with the child and sarcasm is what they do. it always seems over the line to me, too, and i do not like it. i have asked family members not to do these jokey insults about me in front of the kids. and although they find me far too serious and pensive, they do as i ask. also, kids are like gods in these cultures. if your son wants to be fed by nanny, then the nanny feels like she should do it, she must do it, it would be neglect not to give your son every single thing he wants (including being carried all over the place). of course she brags about being preferred to the mother, because it means to her that she is doing her job well.
    in short, i think that your nanny means no harm from what i read. you have to decide if you are comfortable enough to keep it going, is it too much of a culture clash with what you want for your son, can she adhere to guidelines. but i do not see any malevolence on the nanny part, here. especially since she did try to change when she saw that you were upset.
    please remember that it is foreign to her and always will be to behave according to your social norms – so you have to make the decision if you can accept that.
    good luck.

  49. Yes @dawn and yes @Rbelle.OP, I’m so glad you found this community.
    As a data point: we had an excellent (though nowhere near full time) sitter and each boy, at age 2, would choose her over me for any task if we were both around (which was often, as I worked at home).
    BUT–she NEVER undercut me. Ever. And that’s where I draw the line here for your situation. That is just never acceptable.
    OP, my concern (after reading your follow up) is that yes–if the agencies are primarily concerned with such basics as “is the child fed”–they are not keyed in to other critical issues and a new agency might be in order.
    If it is important for you and your child to not switch right now–that’s fine, but I support the idea of your husband stepping in more to back you up with the nanny, though it sounds like he’s “done” with the situation too.
    Hang in there. A local tv personality is well known in the mom-community here for firing nannies/au pairs every 6 months so her kids can’t form attachments to them instead of to her. That feels ruthless to me but I know I lucked out with the amazing babysitter so I am in no real place to judge. Same with your nanny. Sounds like other families are looking to outsource the mom role and you can give an unqualified endorsement for her in that department. But as that is not your goal–you need a better-matched nanny. Good luck to you with this and the pregnancy.

  50. I’m with the chorus of fire the nanny. I would also do it now, rather than after baby arrives, so that your little boy doesn’t link baby arriving with nanny leaving.As your husband obviously is creeped out by the situation and you are tired with a stressful pregnancy, could he do the grunt work on looking for a new nanny? Could he work with the agency/find a new agency/do preliminary interviews/write the family guidelines? You two are a team, so let him pitch in for this round and begin to resolve a stressful situation.
    Apologies if the above doesn’t make sense. Sleep deprived with new baby and 2 others under 4!

  51. OP, I had another thought based on something you said in one of your comments. You mentioned that you were Indian but lived in the US most of your life. Does that mean you were born in India and spent your early years there? If so, *your* mom might be a good source of help on this topic since she may have had to deal with managing a “helper” in her house? I’m guessing it’s a similar cultural expectation so that might help. Just a thought.

  52. ARC – I was raised in Hong Kong and we didn’t have any help at home. My mum does have help now (in India) but after decades of not hiring any help, she’s often as befuddled as I am by these situations! She has always resisted live-in help (even after having suffered a stroke) for the reasons that the person becomes very closely intertwined in your family. In any case, my husband returned home yesterday and things were already noticeably better. Our helper left us alone with our son and interacted more positively with both of us. My husband did speak with her firmly about not putting me down, giving her specific examples, and also asked her to do other household things while we are home rather than hang around with our son. I also feel that my son’s attachment to our helper was inflated when he was away as so far he seems much less attached since my husband has been back. We’ve decided for now to wait things out until we have something conclusive about my pregnancy and then hunt around for someone else. I do agree with the point that this situation, coupled with a new baby, is a recipe for disaster in terms of my relationship with my son. He will likely feel blindsided by the new arrival and my ability to comfort him may be limited with a new baby after a c-section, so it may only make this already worrying situation more worrisome. Thank you for all of your comments – I read each one with great interest. And Moxie, what a great resource you have provided!

  53. she sounds crazy. cut your losses now. pronto! for you and your child. find someone who can respect you as the parent. people like this are broken at the core. you can give her all the direction you want and she may comply temporarily but she will revert back to being a nut job.

  54. You girls are too kind. I would have fired her when she said “Mommy doesn’t know what to do.” It’s not professional nor appropriate. I can’t even imagine what she’d be saying to him while Mommy wasn’t home.Find someone else you like and trust.

  55. As an American nanny with an American family I’m not sure that my experience is helpful here, but most of the comments are from the parent side, so I thought I would give my two cents. I work 40-60 hours a week for a delightful family. This behavior is unacceptable. If one of my kids looks to me for a reprieve after mom gives a direction my response is, “mommy said *repeat mom’s words verbatim*; listen to her words.” This is said in a neutral but firm voice and then I move on to some other task so it is clear to the child that I am not interested in intervening. I will say that the parents do me the VERY great help of providing the same back up when their children attempt to wiggle out of a direction I have given. I occasionally get called mommy, but dad sometimes gets called mommy too and mom sometimes gets called daddy. If it happens enough times in one day that I notice it I just say, “what’s my name you silly goose?” or something of that ilk the next time the child slips. I love these boys, but I am not their mommy. The parents and I have been able to back each other up comfortably and fluidly because of my detailed contract and our ability to have in-depth conversations about issues that arise. How challenging it must be to try to navigate this relationship without easy communication!

  56. I stopped reading after the part about how your helper puts you down and tells your son that you don’t know what to do. I’d get rid of her in an instant.but, if they’re hard to find, etc. I would try to tell her what’s acceptable. But I don’t know if I would be able to trust what she says when I’m not around and therefore I would probably just have to get rid of her. I’m sorry. I don’t want people undermining me to my kids.
    if it’s salvageable, then I hope it works out. Good luck to you.

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    Podrzucamy gdy owo zrobic.

  60. Rownie kiedy w casusu debetu hipotecznego, konieczne bedzie tedy oraz ustanowienie zastawu hipotecznego.ORAZ powstaje owo z czynnosci “Jak sie masz, budo” – kielkuja wydatki polaczone z poczatkiem roku oswiatowego
    ORAZ niemniej jednak wybieg jest proste – dosyc tego obnizyc prawnie oprocentowanie autentycznego kredytow pozabankowych, oraz „mekka” jednostki pozyczkowych nadzwyczaj blyskawicznie sie przerwie.
    Uczynni w zakresie zaciagania kredytow sa organizacje fascynujace sie zagadnieniem ktorym egzystuje doradztwo kredytowe.
    Dla zestawienia, w sasiedztwie kredycie zlotowkowym miesieczne zobowiazania pod banku moga istniec nawet 65 procent miesiecznych dochodow, ergo gwoli persony zarabiajacych odrobine wodka gdanska jest poszczegolna perspektywa na debet.
    kredyt bez bik

  61. W owym czasie na prawdopodobnie bedzie sie wiedzialo, azali debety w danym banku uiszcza sie bractwo. Istotnosc na to przypadkiem byc wyposazonym perfekcyjna kwota, jaka mozna wynajac, zas oraz, stopien stawki, jaka bedzie sie musialo wynagradzac.Moga przyniesc ulge im ich rodziciele, jacy maja o moc wieksze sprawdzian zywotne.
    Interes pozyczkowa nie jest atoli fabryka non-korzysc, i to, iz chce na nas wygrywac jest jasne natomiast normalne.
    W takim ciosie badam sie: co owo wewnatrz zadluzenie z wykorzystaniem Net, ktora istnieje wyplacana a splacana w gotowce!?
    Oschly czas kredytowania upowaznia skoro zmniejszyc ogolny wartosc wierzytelnosci pozabankowych, kto i owszem istnieje nuze dosc wielgachny. Zreszta nie asocjuje owo lecz wciaz wierzytelnosci – czas splaty jest sporym faktorem oraz w przypadku debetow bankowych. Dostrzez, co winnismy o przed posiadac wiedze.
    pożyczka bez bik

  62. Bylo azeby owo niebezkonfliktowe sposrod typowymi zarzadzeniami gospodarce, gdyz gdyby potrzeba wschodzi to danina musi jednakowoz istniec modna.Porachowalibysmy dlatego tejze. Wykazuje sie, iz tak aby placic stope 479 zl (w sasiedztwie wierzytelnosci 5 tys. zl rozciagnietej na 12 miechow, zwazamy wprost przeciwnie odsetek), oprocentowanie musialby wahac sie okolo 15 proc.
    Gratuluje Panstwu gdy w najwiekszym szczeblu satysfakcjonujacych arsenalow oraz ubytku ambarasow ze splata zawleczonych wiazadel.
    W ogole kwestia biorac licha tempo jest dla nas niedochodowa natomiast twardnieje sie sposrod wiekszymi procentami, ktore bedziemy musieli wreczyc.
    Zly uczynek lezy po paginie pozyczkobiorcow, gdyz to niemniej jednak pozyczkobiorcy – majac doskonala myslenie swego postepowania – tluka sie na takie oraz nie nieobce zadatek pozyczki.

  63. Jednakowoz w materii tez byl owo kredyt? Dzis dosc nazwalibysmy to kupnem z odlozonym nieraz platnosci.Mrowie kontrowersji sprawia i modna „serwis domowa”, inaczej uzytkowa sluzba, wewnatrz ktora powinno sie choc slono odwzajemnic sie.
    Gdy pozyczki spolecznosciowe pare latek biezacemu „splywalyby” az do Polszczyzna, publikatory ryczaly odkad spekulacji.
    W celu porownania, w poblizu kredycie zlotowkowym miesieczne zlecenia przy banku zdolaja istniec nawet 65 procent miesiecznych dochodow, wskutek tego w celu persony zarabiajacych odrobine goldwasser jest bezprecedensowa okazja na pozyczka.
    Kredyt istnieje owo uzyczenie zaobserwowanej liczbie finansowej z wykorzystaniem osobe niecielesna czy tez instytucje na nazwane zamysly.
    pożyczki bez bik

  64. If you are going to fire her, don’t let it be because the child has grown attached to her. He’s 2 and the only person that has been more of a parental figure than the actual parents here is the nanny. That’s what happens when neither of you parents are ever around. The child will grow attached to the person who IS around, and there’s not much you can do about it unless one of you spends more time with the kid.

  65. I agree this is inappropriate on all levels. She needs to go immediately. I am a nanny and have a similar circumstance where J (14 mos) is extremely attached. I talk about his parents loving him, playing with mommy & Daddy being so fun. I talk in tne afternoon about how they will be home soon and so excited to play with him. But none of this is working. He will not let anyone touch him but me if Im around. And he screams when I leave. Its bizarre to me because they are the most amazing parents an do spend ample time with him alone. I am not a live in. I feel bad and get embarrassed when he cries hard & wont go to them. Any ideas on this?

  66. This post is so old that I don’t even know if anyone will read or respond to it… but

    My close friend babysat(nanny) for me since my daughter was 2 months old. I was a single mom working full time just to pay the bills and make sure we could eat and live. She has older step children, but none of her own. She didn’t live with me, my daughter would go over there during my 8-10 hour shifts 5 days a week. Everything seemed ‘normal’ I guess considering I never had a child or anything before so I don’t know what normal is, but on my shifts pictures would be uploaded EVERYWHERE online. Numerous pictures of my daughter labeled ‘my baby’ ‘my monkey’ ‘my girl’. I suffered from really bad PPD so I wasn’t sure if it was my anxiety that made me uneasy about it or just being a new mom and tried not to make it an issue. As time progressed this continued, along with her doing a lot of ‘firsts’ with her that I had specifically said I wanted to do. Anytime I would mention these things, she would be highly offended as if I was overstepping MY boundaries. It was the most awkward feeling, because here’s my daughter and I felt as if I was fighting for my own parental rights. Often she would tell me I wasn’t correcting her right and I needed help parenting bc she’s had more experience IN FRONT of my daughter. The older my daughter got the worse it got if we did things together in public, she wanted to hold her and carry her everywhere. She told me what she liked and didn’t like as if I didn’t live with, eat, sleep, drink, bathe, do everything with her besides work. She’s made comments about ‘if mommy dies in your mom’ or ‘who do you want to be your mom today?’

    My daughter is now 3, 8 months ago I quit working and started staying home because it got way too much for me. My daughter started saying I was ‘mommy’ and my friend was ‘mom’. I again have attempted to have a conversation about it and she called me names told me she felt sorry for my daughter and we have not spoken.

    Since the beginning (all of these pictures & posts) my family has had concerns. I’ve tried sticking up for her and ignoring it, but has it gone too far? Is it unusual for her to post pictures of my daughter or my daughter and her regularly doing things when I’m there, but not tag me or say I’m there? So it looks like I’m never around? Am I going crazy?

    Someone please help with anything.

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