Primal Scream Friday

Primal Scream Friday. Here are the usual rules:

1. Post what's bugging you, big or small. No misery poker.

2. Offer sympathy to someone else if you have it in you. (And if you know anything that could help them in their situation, share!)

3. If you need to be anonymous, put a fake URL in the "URL" field. (www.fake.com is always a good one.)

I'll start:

  • This city is making me angry, brittle, and panicky.
  • I can't talk about anything else that's stressing me out because it all goes back to the negotiations LOD and I are having about a big life change. (We're writing about the gruesome negotiation process on the co-parenting blog.)
  • I'm a tension increaser, so I can't even cry to make myself feel better.

Now you.

149 thoughts on “Primal Scream Friday”

  1. My almost 4 year old son was diagnosed with mild Aspergers this week. I can’t quite get my brain around that one yet – avoiding thinking about it. And I am night weaning my 1 year old (while cosleeping)- which hasn’t been so bad, except that now he likes to chat to me from 12-2 AM. I am worn out.

  2. No matter what I do, I cannot get the baby to sleep past 6:00 in the morning. And every time I mention this to anyone, they immediately advise me to try something that I have already done (white noise machine, blackout curtains, schedule shift, whatever) and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. I can’t even vent about things anymore without people assuming that they are better parents than I am and what worked for their kid is OBVIOUSLY going to work for mine. It makes me so very stabby.

  3. My daughter has low muscle tone (hypotonia) and at one year she cannot transition into sitting from laying, she cannot pull up, and cannot cruise. I know she will walk down the aisle, and I know there are worse problems she could have, but I cant help but be upset about it. I am a WOHM but yesterday I went to one of her classes, and it killed me to see other kids doing things so easily that are so hard for her.

  4. My almost 9 year old was silently crying at the dinner table last night. Her one friend has a very high IQ, but is socially at the level of a 1st grader. Her other friends tease her for being friends with her IQ friend. She wants to be popular. I was hurting for her last night, and I tried to take her feelings seriously and not blow her off.And support for AMANDA above:
    My kids both suck at sleeping. My eldest starting sleeping through the night at 3 YEARS. My younger, around 2years. They go to bed between 10-11pm and get up around 7. I finally got sick of people telling me how to fix it and said “They will be in college at some point. Let them be.” Hugs. You do what works for YOU!

  5. urgh. I’ve hurt my hand. Don’t know how – I’ve seen 4 practitioners (2 PTs, my primary care person, and an orthopedist)and have had about 6 proposed diagnoses. They all agree that it should be immobilized for at least 2 weeks and that, following that, more tests should be discussed. Normally, I’d take this as a serendipitous break from housework, but right now I’m nearing the end (1.5 weeks left) of a 5-week anatomy course, my job has started up (and involved a lot of lifting, writing, etc), one of my kids is getting out of school a week earlier than the other and I have no childcare for that week, and we’re remodeling our house and it seems like every day something needs to be hammered or moved or pried off of something. Also, I’m worried about my beehives but can’t lift them to check on them. Did I mention it’s my dominant hand? Harumph.On the plus side, my spouse and I have been together (start of dating, not marriage) for 13 years today. This is completely irrelevant to him and I only remembered this morning but that’s actually become a feature instead of a bug in our relationship. It’s nice to be in a place that’s secure enough that we don’t have to count every little milestone – kind of like when reach the point where you can’t remember how much your baby weighs *at this very second.*
    Guess I’m more at a grumblegumblegivemeacookie level today than a primal scream, but check back with me next Wednesday, after three days of no-childcare-while-working-and-going-to-school. I bet you’ll be able to hear me all the way in NYC.

  6. Hope, ouch. A few goods nights of sleep would make everything more comprehensible.Amanda, FWIW, the waking-early problem is the single problem we have never been able to solve in 5 1/2 years of Ask Moxie. We have a lot of suggestions, but nothing that consistently works for everyone.
    K, one of my older son’s friends had hypotonia and he didn’t walk until 18 months. By 3 years there was no difference between him and the other kids. I hope it gets easier soon.
    Spacemom, hugs to you and your girls.
    Sue, ugh. I wish you could clone yourself.

  7. I was sick with gastroenteritis a few weeks ago, and still not feeling 100 per cent even last week. I still had an upset stomach and bouts of nausea. To top it off, it was triggering anxiety (I have minor issues that are usually managed without medication).My 2.5 year old smacked my daycare provider’s dog yesterday and he snapped at her. No blood, and the provider promises he will be kept in another area of the house from now on. But now it’s reopening the debate of whether to send her somewhere else. Our provider is a sweet lady and loves the kids she cares for.
    I think I’m long overdue to move on to a new job, but I blew my shot at one I really wanted last fall and now it’s agonizing to go through the process with all these other ones I don’t care half as much about.
    My house is a mess. So are my yard and deck.

  8. My issues seems so trivial and yet I’m feeling crushed by the weight of it all. I hate that. I want to enjoy my life – not just see the positive but embrace it…and I end up in crying instead. I don’t think it’s depression that needs medical treatment. It’s only been a few weeks that I’m feeling like this but I’m so over being so sad.I am going to say, since I can, that I am SO INCREDIBLY PISSED that the person I’ve been in a committed relationship with for the past year broke up with me to go to Vegas with friends and thereby be able to f*ck around and yet not technically cheat on me. Oh, and now we are at “well, maybe it was hasty to break up after all”. Yeah. Go the f*ck to hell. It’s absurd that I am 35 years old and this is the state of my love life.

  9. Hope: I am in the same-ish boat and was coming to post something similar. I know how you feel. My toddler was diagnosed at 15 months with speech and social delays and it’s likely he’ll be on the spectrum. We are holding off on that diagnosis until we “need” it to get more services (he gets EI now).It’s so hard. I just want my baby to lead a happy and fulfilled life, and sometimes I feel sad knowing the world might not be kind to him.
    But what I come back to again and again are these truths:
    1) we love our children, unconditionally
    2) This world ABSOLUTELY NEEDS people who think differently!!!
    3) All kids have challenges, and in some ways we are lucky to know what some of our kids challenges are, to be able to get them the best help we can
    Sometimes thinking of those things really helps me. Feel free to email me at releavitt AT gmail.com if you want to connect with another mama who has a child (likely) on the spectrum, or feel free to ignore me too!
    I wish you and your family the very best.

  10. Oh, also? My 5 year old and I fought the entire time she was getting ready for school yesterday, making us super late. She was crying when she got to the car. Then I snapped at my husband, he snapped back at me, I cried. Hope you enjoyed the show, kids. Had an anxiety attack later that morning at my desk that I managed to stop. That’s when I found out about the dog.

  11. @Amanda – I hear you! No suggestions just commiseration from another mom of an early, early riser and just all around terrible sleeper. People like to give advice, though. Hopefully they don’t mean it to add to your frustrations or imply you are a bad mom. Hang in there. 🙂

  12. Moxie, I hope your negotiations are about you moving out of NYC. I have been there. When you are done living in NYC, you are just DONE. I was having trouble sleeping at night, started having panic attacks on the train, couldn’t concentrate at work. Now I live in the suburbs in FL again, it’s always quiet, I have a lot more peace in my life and I’m much happier. Sometimes I miss the hustle and bustle of the city, but a long weekend in NYC is enough for me to remember why I love it so but cannot live there any longer.

  13. OMG, Elita! THANK YOU. I thought I was going nuts because I’ve been having panic attacks just thinking about getting on the train, and have been waking up at night worrying about having panic attacks from thinking about getting on the train. It is really glad to hear that it happened to someone else, although I’m sorry it happened to you.

  14. Husband doesn’t want more kids (our only is 5.5). I’m finally coming to terms with having one child and am just about ready to go on some sort of BC besides condoms. Found out that Mirena or Paragaurd would cost me at least $700 out of pocket because of my HRA type of insurance. There is no guarantee that I will be happy with it so it’s a lot of money to spend not knowing. NuvaRing would cost over $700/year, but I like the idea that it isn’t so “permanent”. (BC Pill is out of the question because it lowered my sex drive and we’re not ready for more drastic permanent measures.) Why in this day and age and first world country does the BC of my choice need to be so freakin’ expensive? Wouldn’t my health insurance company and employer want to pay for that instead of paying for another pregnancy/delivery/child? It makes it so easy just to stick with condoms but we’re in our mid—late 30s and have been together since college! It’s quite ridiculous, the whole condom thing, you know!?Also, feeling tension with very hands-on in-laws who are wonderful and amazing people that I am very grateful for, but tend to ignore or not notice boundaries.
    All-in-all, nothing worthy of primal screams today, but these are some of my frustrations.

  15. @Amanda, my kids are 5 and 7 and still nearly always wake up between 6 and 7 every morning. I tell myself it’s because they are well-rested. And I go to bed at 10 o’clock, whether I feel like it or not. I do not, because I am not now, nor have I ever been, a morning person. I feel your pain, and can personally recommend working toward acceptance rather than change. :)No scream for me today.

  16. Hope, my oldest brother had learning and socialization issues when he was about that age. This would have been the early 1970s, so I don’t know whether mild Aspergers would have been a common diagnosis back then, but I’ve often suspected that’s what it is. You know, he’s 40 now and he’s a little odd, but he graduated from a prestigious university, he has a career and friends and hobbies and lives on his own. A normal life, albeit that of a confirmed bachelor.He’s actually kind of my hero now because he took it upon himself to clean up the house of my late great uncle and aunt. Their only child is quite old himself and very busy, and so my brother regularly drives out to this place that has been left in disrepair for over a decade and he has been cleaning it up, collecting family treasures and keeping the cousin up-to-date on it. It’s a great job for him – he loves the area, and history (especially that of his own family), and antiques, and he’s single so he’s not got much tying him down on any given weekend.

  17. money. Just when our credit cards were paid off- we find out my husband’s position has been cut due to budget cuts. We will be ok. But, just ok- not great, not saving ton’s o’ cash like we thought we would be. Instead we have to pull in all that extra money we have hidden places (you know cancel netflix, the internet, supplemental retirement accounts, change the W2 from 0, you know- that hidden money)money- why do you have to make our lives harder?

  18. My DH is in his 8th year of (unpaid) graduate school. I am so sick of living in Big City, where we have no family and no support, and where we can’t afford a back yard or a freaking utility closet. But we can’t move, and can’t really even talk about moving, because any move is contingent on him finishing his thesis and getting a job, and whenever I even mention the thesis, we get into a fight. And then DH has the gall to complain about how our lives just aren’t fun anymore now that we have our darling, gorgeous 2yo DS, or to complain that he’s not getting enough time to do his work despite the fact that I pay for full-time childcare (when I would love, LOVE to be a SAHM.) It is starting to make me crazy.

  19. First mom2boy: GAH, kick-him-to-the-curb. GOOD FOR YOU. That is freakin’ ridiculous. Sorry that this is happening to you, proud of you for seeing this for what it is–my college bf pulled the same crap. Worked once, not twice, so you are way, way ahead of me. Sending you strong woman vibes and good thoughts.Moxie, thank you for this. I am personally ok but I have a ton swirling around me and those I love.
    *my (39 year old) sorority sister died of colon cancer yesterday, 11 months after diagnosis, leaving two elementary school kids. She wasn’t one of my closest friends but I always admired and adored her and it just seems so Not Right that the world is deprived (and her kids are robbed) of her physical presence.
    *my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. It’s a very survivable kind, but it’s breast cancer.
    *my father in law has been in and out of the hospital with jaundice and they can’t figure out what’s causing the liver failure.
    *the father of my son’s best friend is waking up in jail today, because his alcoholism is out of control and so is he, culminating in him ramming his car in to a police car. I am so sad for my son’s friend as I think it is going to be a long time before he sees his dad again–and, when sober, he was one of the most amazing dads I’ve ever seen. The 4th birthday party was truly epic due to some lovely, caring work by him and I struggle to reconcile that adoring, gentle man with one who would ram his car in to a police car. Gah. I’m familiar enough with alcoholism that it doesn’t surprise me but it is still bewildering and I pray that sweet man can find his way back.
    *the husband of one of my best friends was fired from his teaching job of more than 15 years, losing the family the primary source of income and benefits. He has no legal leg to stand on and will have to start over. She is worried they will lose their house.
    So, that’s what’s on my heart today. Needed the scream. Hunkering down in my house with my kids and thinking of what we can do to help those around us. It’s a long list right now. Bird by bird.

  20. Hang in there Amanda. We had a 5 am waker FOREVER and now she sleeps until 7 which to me is absolute perfect bliss. Also that teach me time clock really helps.OK my thing isn’t really a primal scream but…my daughter is moving to the toddler room. Each Friday a parent brings in a hot lunch for all the kids. The thing is, I recently found out she’s allergic to wheat, soy and peanuts. Peanuts everyone is cool with but I saw on the sign up list for last week that a mom was bringing pizza (wheat). I’m sad because my girl will likely be left out of the lunch with friends almost every single week and that totally BLOWS!!! Bleargh!!!

  21. Amanda, my daughter wakes up at 6 AM (give or take 15 minutes). As my mom always said to me about any situation that upset me, “Everything changes.” Its true. Maybe one day they wont wake up at 6 AM, maybe one day they will but can go watch TV quietly for an hour. We’ll make it, and in the meantime we’ll get into bed while its still light out ; )Moxie, I live in NYC. I have since 2002, with a 2 year break in Philly from 07-09. Before we left for Philly, I thought I could never come back to NYC, but maybe a little break is what you need. It worked for us.

  22. Amanda – we have early kids too. My twin boys wake up everyday between 6 and 7. They are 6 yrs old now. I am SOOO not a morning person but luckily my husband is (for weekends) and I have to get up early for work on weekdays so at least I get to say goodbye to them.I figure (as a non-morning person myself who wishes she were a morning person) that ultimately life will be easier for them as early risers. We won’t have the same getting ready for school issues – no need to wake and rush them when they’ve been up for a couple of hours, right?!

  23. @Erica- could you help the moms out with finding substitutes and recipes? Or are all the lunches not home made?She won’t miss out every single week, since she’ll be able to eat what you bring when it’s your turn, at least. :/

  24. My baby is 5 weeks old. We’re all doing great except for the early evening crazy crying time. It comes at the end of the day when I’ve exhausted all of my patience and creativity for getting her to stop crying and she wants to nurse every 90 minutes and I just want a break. It wouldn’t be that bad except that my husband started back to work this week and when he comes home at about that time he’s exhausted and not in a great place to deal with the crying either. Last night this all culminated in a lovely passive aggressive non-fight with him out cutting weeds in a thunderstorm because he thought that I thought that he wasn’t doing enough around the house (when all I really wanted was to eat dinner).I know it’s just sleep deprivation, but I wasn’t expecting it because she sleeps so well at night (up every 3 to 4 hours, but sleeps between feedings).

  25. Just generally overwhelmed right now by my job as the Juggler Of All Things including:-3.5 DS (enough said) and 6 month old DD who is (thankfully) a pretty good sleeper but also an early riser (5:45-6 am seems to be the norm).
    – we’re moving next month which means packing, purging, arranging movers, home insurance, switching utilities, lawyer appointments, bank appointments, etc. etc.
    – need to find new nanny asap in new home location – hard to believe we’ll ever find someone as good as current nanny, and so sad for son who is really close to current nanny.
    – DS starting new school – he doesn’t handle transitions well
    – I am starting my own firm in our new location – so all the stresses/to-dos that come along with starting new business
    – haven’t told my current work yet that I am not returning from mat leave because as soon as I do we will lose medical coverage (not a big deal like it is in the US, but I’ll have to start paying prescriptions and DS has a lot of prescriptions). This means we’re keeping our move pretty quiet to ensure word doesn’t get back to my work.
    – am registered to write a major exam in the fall to get a new qualification. It’s a two day exam with a 67% failure rate that you can only take once a year. I really need to gear up my studying but am woefully short on time.
    – BF’ing is a constant mental struggle – it’s going well BUT I CAN’T PUMP. I don’t know why. I’ve tried half a dozen different pumps, seen two consultants, etc. It’s not a supply issue because DD is thriving but when I pump, nothing (or sometimes, just an ounce) comes out. It’s like my b.oobs go on milk strike protesting the touch of anything not baby. And not pumping means I feel so tied to home. I struggle daily with whether to allow ‘just’ one bottle of formula so I can get out of the house more, but I know from my first kid that is a slippery slope and I don’t want to ruin what is otherwise a a great BF’ing relationship.
    – my husband is gone for work 2 weeks every month so I feel like a single parent half the time (full respect to single parents – I know it’s not the same, and I certainly get to rely on his income, even when he is not here). I hate constantly feeling like the keeper of the routines, the details, the appointments, etc. And, frankly, am tired of hearing DH talk about how tired he is from all the travel – he gets to sleep in hotel rooms BY HIMSELF. ALL NIGHT. NO INTERRUPTIONS. So, please, STFU. I would pay someone for that opportunity.
    Phew, thanks for this. Nothing major. Everyone healthy. But still nice to have a whine.

  26. We’re broke. My husband’s company got better health insurance, but his premium went up, so he’s bringing home less, without a raise in sight. (The only other choice would have been to drop family coverage, but I don’t get health insurance through my job, so that’s impossible. And yet, thank G-D for health insurance.) I get paid for the amount of work I do, but I can only do the work I’m sent by clients, and they’ve been stingy lately. Credit cards are maxed. Savings is gone. What now?My kids are both at “1/2″s right now (4.5 and 2.5) and so are both in disequillibrium states, which is making me crazy. Plus, I’m 7 months pregnant, which means I’m also in a disequillibrium state. And financial stress doesn’t help.
    On the bright side, they both slept through the night simultaneously for the first time in weeks, after I cracked down and refused to stay in either one’s bed at all at bedtime (usually, I lay with each for 10 minutes or so before saying good night, but my back hurts and I didn’t feel like it), which made me feel like a shitty mother. And yet… and yet, they slept, after weeks of taking turns waking up EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. So was I wrong?
    And now I have to go to Walmart and figure out a way to feed my family of 4 for at least a week on less than $100, and we keep kosher, so I can’t buy the cheap meat or most of the other cheap food. Plus, I like to at least pretend we eat reasonably healthy.

  27. My heart goes out to everyone here and I’m sending love and good vibes to all. Hope, my son was 4 when he was diagnosed with autism (he is 7 now) and I had a six month old baby at home too. I couldn’t get my head around the diagnosis for a while either and also chose not to think about it. You will go through many stages but eventually everything will come together. You will find people to help and meet some amazing parents who will help guide you through everything. You’ll put together a plan and learn to parent in a new way. There are a ton of great books out there and if you want some recommendations please let me know. My rant for today is trivial but causing me major anxiety: a neighbor volunteered our tiny street for a block party this weekend. We aren’t friendly with anyone here (see “we have a child with autism” for details on that). The neighbor didn’t bother to ask us if we minded all of this going on and there is really not going to be any way to avoid having the party effect us as we are on a dead end and more than 125 people have signed up so far. I am annoyed at the thought of garbage being strewn everywhere not to mention what she plans to tell people who need to use the bathroom. We fully expect her to put us on the spot at the last minute and ask for help when she knows it will be tough to say no. Additionally, the neighbors behind us are hosting a bachelor party that is going on now (since this morning there has been one guy who yells “woo hoo” every five minutes and I want to bash his brains in) and will continue until Sunday. We would plan to leave but we have sports stuff going on all day with our kids and they are going to be exhausted by the time the hoopla starts. The thought of dragging them out to eat just to avoid our own house is making me want to cry. Arrgh!

  28. @Jac- i know someone else who was in the same position of being able to nurse just fine but never to pump… One bottle of formula will not hurt your kid. If you’re mentally struggling with BFing overall then your mental happiness is much more important than the occasional bottle of formula. Give yourself permission to cut yourself some slack.@mom2boy- you deserve better. try to find some help for your emotional state of mind.
    @amanda- while we didn’t have early risers at age 2.5 there was some bliss when the eldest would quietly go down to hang out for 30 mins by himself before he woke us up. Now at close to 5 he and his brother will go down and turn on the TV and hang out by themselves on the weekends for as long as we let them. So just think forward to the day when you can get an extra hour or so b/c your kid can amuse him/herself.
    My primal scream———-
    I just don’t enjoy parenting anymore. I can’t seem to find the pleasure in the small joyful things too much either. I feel resentful and angry at “what’s being done to me” too much. I yell too much and feel like my anger is out of control. There are some mental health issues I know I need to resolve asap and yet I am so scared to say this stuff out loud to anyone for fear that someone will consider me unstable and try to take my children away. I feel like unless I walk around saying how much I love it, people will judge me for being a bad parent. I HAVE NEVER hurt my children or could imagine harming them physically but I am sure that my yelling and irritability is something they need to be protected from too.

  29. I have a 16 month old, I’m going back to school, and I’m in the worst financial crisis of my life and my husband doesn’t seem to care. My hubby took a “temporary” (what he says) pay cut at work and so he has been using his credit card to supplement his income so he can buy his cigarettes, lottery tickets, fast food, and beer. We make a $250 payment on that card every month but the amount we owe increases by about $300 dollars every month. At this rate the card will be maxed out in a year. I’m so upset and no matter what I do I can’t get him to realize he’s royally screwing us by not sticking to a budget and limiting the credit card purchases to things that might be really important like the gas it takes to commute to his job. I’m starting to doubt my commitment to him and our marriage.

  30. I think my primal scream is that I’m too busy to do a proper primal scream. Oh well- at least I can see the end, when we do a big upgrade/migration at work. Over the 4th of July weekend. Good thing that I don’t like fireworks that much. Besides, I live in San Diego, and Sea World has them almost every night in the summer.Oh, and I have a cold.
    So, I guess I have a primal whimper, not a scream.
    But… @anonamoose- I am completely UNenamored with my Mirena, which I also paid out of pocket for. I spot all the freakin’ time, although that is getting slowly better (I’m about 1.5 years in to the 5 year life of the product, and still breastfeeding, which I hear may have something to do with the spotting). And I think that even though it is really low dose of progesterone, it is messing with my sex drive. So if you do one, I’d vote for the paraguard. But that’s just me.
    @Amanda, I don’t know if this helps or hurts, but when my first was a baby, 6 a.m. was sleeping in. Seriously- we got up by 5:30 for roughly the first year of her life. She’s 4 now, and she is still up by 7 a.m. most days. My second sleeps in to 7:30 sometimes. Some kids are just early birds. It sucks, but it says absolutely nothing about your parenting skills!

  31. After months and months of putting together menus, testing out foods, hundreds of dollars spent on the ingredients for all the tests, as well as when the people actually came over to try the food. Ok wait, this is getting confusing.I was asked to cater my friends wedding. Appetizers and Cupcakes. We came up with a menu. I practiced the recipes. They came and did a testing. Then they changed the menu. Then they changed it again. Then they fired me, then told me I was on, then fired me for everything but the wedding cupcakes and the bridals shower. Then , less than 2 weeks before the bridal shower, the groom did the one thing he knew would make me quit. He asked for all my recipes and measurements, and accused me of not being able to provide enough food (this isn’t my first event, I know how to make enough food.) So, I had to quit, and I have lost a friend in the process. She didn’t want to talk to me, and stopped talking to me a week before the blow up with the groom. They had also backed out of all the ways they were supposed to pay for me, since we were doing a services trade, and they were supposed to take pictures of us at Disneyland and they flaked out. I have been informed that I am still not to talk to the bride, my friend.
    So, hundreds of hours, 20 pounds, and almost $1000 of food later, I am fired from all of it. Well, I quit, but I was pushed to it. And I can’t blog about any of it, because she reads all my blogs, and therefor it would cause war. So, I have had to silently seethe.

  32. I wish I knew what *I* want. Not what everyone else wants for me. I’m tired of being pulled in every direction by everyone around me. Yes, it is a very, very hard life-changing decision. NO, I don’t know what I want yet. Now leave me alone so I can decide.@LC hugs. My DS had those same cranky evenings at the same age. We found changing his environment helped. If he was cranky inside, go out on the porch for a bit, etc.

  33. @Jac, have you tried using a handsfree bustier, covering up the pump so you can’t see, putting some trash TV on, and having a beer while you pump?That is third hand advice, though, so YMMV.

  34. My husband and I have been discussing the possibility of having a second child for 6 months. I would like another, he is fine with one. He really doesn’t want a repeat of the worry and sleepless nights. He was also out of work for 6 months while I was on leave and we’re just recovering from the stress that put on our relationship. He has a contract until February now but who knows how long it will take him to find another job. However, we’re both 41 so time is ticking. I can’t decide if I’m being completely selfish by pushing for another child, especially since we’re all getting decent sleep most nights, or if I should stop rocking the boat and be happy with what we have.

  35. My heart goes out to every single one of you mamas – I’m sending you all big hugs.I have a crappy sleeper too. She’ll be 2 next week. She has started waking up at 6. It’s KILLING me. I’m newly pregnant, and the insomnia has kicked in. Add in the fact that now if I wake up during the night, I’m awake for at least half an hour or more (and that happens at least twice a night), and I am a cranky, bitchy, zombie mom. Nobody likes to be around cranky, bitchy, zombie mom.
    I’m worried about money all the damn time, but cannot figure out how to take my specific skill set back into the marketplace AND raise my family.
    My husband has an addiction that I found out about on the same day that I found out I was pregnant. Our marriage may not survive. I feel alone and freaked out. He’s my best friend. Who am I supposed to talk to about this with?

  36. @anonamoose, I adore Nuvaring. Adore adore adore. Not a single side effect, no breakthrough bleeding, nothing.anonny, I think more people with very young children feel victimized by the process than you imagine. Make sure you’re taking all the right vitamin/mineral supplements and doing some kind of core exercise (yoga/Pilates/T-tapp) to help you get a little breathing room, and then talk to someone about it. It gets better, but you don’t have to feel this crappy right now, either.
    Anon with the 16-month-old–he has an addiction. He won’t choose you. Protect yourself and your child while you can.
    Kris, ugh. They have treated you horribly.

  37. For everyone worrying about money a great place for finding easy cheap recipes is hillbilly housewife. Very Frugal. Also, check if you can get food from Angel Food Ministries in your area. We can’t, but I hear it’s a lifesaver in areas where it is available.As for sleep, my 2.5 year old still doesn’t sleep through the night.
    I am trying to get off of morphine and all my other medications so I cam try to have a third baby right now. It’s hard. I am going through withdrawals right now. I was only on it for 3 months, but that is long enough to get addicted.

  38. @Moxie, nice to see your responses to a lot of the posts today! :)Regarding BC, I just got off the phone with my health insurance company and found out that Mirena would cost only three-hundred something out of pocket, which is a lot more reasonable. But I really would prefer to try NuvaRing. It sounds perfect for me and if I don’t like it, I can easily stop. But my stupid insurance makes me pay in full until I reach my deductible, which won’t likely happen and I don’t want to shell out $700+ per year on BC…
    Bleahhhh… Primal whine indeed.

  39. @Anonamoose, your doc/midwife should be able to give you a sample ring. It’s only one month, but at least you’ll know how you react to it.

  40. @anon – “bird by bird” is one of my favorite phrases. It made my heart happy just to read it. Also, anything that makes me think about Anne Lamott is good.@Amanda – I’m not happy about your early riser, but man, I have to say I am totally relieved to hear it, because we have an up-at-5am 7-month old and nothing seems to change that either. Sigh.
    My scream: my sister-in-law is just driving me insane. She has a big, admittedly very hard problem to deal with regarding her child, and I acknowledge that. It is definitely not easy. But as much as I try hard to understand and empathize, she is just very brittle and defensive and I can never get anything right, and no one can ever do or say a good thing, and no one else’s life has ever been as hard as hers, and it. is. wearing. me. out.
    Or, maybe I should scream about the fact that I am a selfish bitch. Apparently.

  41. First time mom with a five month old. Started our version of sleep training two nights ago. Then yesterday my husband had an accident at work – nothing serious – and had to get a few stitches in his hand. He’s not allowed to lift anything over ten pounds for a week and a half. SO – I have to do 100% of the baby care 100% of the time, and the sleep training flew out the window.It’s more of a small complaint right now than a primal scream, but if the child wakes every hour and a half at night again without help from my husband, I may just fall over dead.

  42. My kid moved to a toddler bed last week and we are now dealing with the worst sleep since he was probably 4 months old. It’s an hour to an hour and a half to get him to sleep at night (and mommy has to be in the room with him or he gets out of bed, turns on the lights, and SCREAMS). He has at least 3, but sometimes up to 6 night wakeups–again, out of bed, light on, screaming, tears rolling down his face. I think he’s a little unnerved by not having the “security” of the crib side (being enclosed), but whatever it is, we’re operating on like no sleep. I’m regretting the toddler bed like none other, but he was getting out of the crib every.single.time we put him down.

  43. My 8 month old was diagnosed with a “pivot shift” this week, which means that she either has a very loose ACL–or else she’s missing one altogether. This on top of the hip dysplasia (for which she wore a Pavlik harness for the first three months of her life) and torticollis. So we’re looking at another brace and probably reconstructive surgery down the road. Heavy sigh.

  44. The roof! The roof has damage and needs to be replaced. There is no money for the deductible. Sometimes the debt makes me feel like I can’t breath. With the roof the debt will be about 15 thousand. I feel like it is crushing me. (just me, hubby doesn’t care)

  45. Let’s see.My 2.5y son thinks it’s ‘cute’ to run away when I’m trying to leave somewhere – like daycare. And I have to chase him. Last night I grabbed him, he resisted, and then slid his foot into mine, breaking off my toenail. Seriously!?!?! My husband doesn’t chase, he just leaves. I never think of that when it’s happening.
    I’m coordinating a block party and it’s spiraled out of control (bounce house, carivnal games, bocce tournament, wiffle ball game, band, food, face painting) and then other people who are helping are spending the morning at the Bruins Rally in boston – so I’ll be setting it up all by myself.
    And praying it doesn’t rain.

  46. the wretched 45 min naps. Grrrr on my 11-week old’s behalf – she can’t sleep through the 45 mins mark and wakes up sooo tired and cranky and can’t go back to sleep. I have so much compassion for her because she just *looks* so miserable after she wakes up, and just cries with tiredness. Poor girl.

  47. @ K, I am upright and walk just fine. And I have low muscle tone and very hyper-mobile overly bendy joints. Sure I need to do Pilates and aerobic exercise to keep going well and physio-therapy every so often but I did walk down the aisle and am still walking. Once upright and walking I kept on, and you can compensate for low muscle tone. Honestly.Lots of sympathy for the many great difficulties and painful issues here.
    Meanwhile I’m not so much screaming as whimpering. I feel really guilty and very bad over the pre-school incident where DD’s teacher complained about her while she was listening as I had not communicated well about DD’s difficulties. I heard what I wanted to hear and disregarded the rest. Daughter bore the brunt of that.
    And I feel a complete fool over strawberry- allergy and other fruit-allergies. While DD is very allergic and very atopic with the eczema. But the early anaphylaxis before two years old were all contact allergies that became food ones. Swelling face and inside her mouth, eczema all over. So I had the Epipens and was avoiding egg, peanut and dairy and the bell peppers. And scanning all the time for those symptoms.
    Then DD developed gastro-enteritis episodes with pin-prick eczema all over. Vomiting, nausea, very severe cramps, terrible diarrhea with lots of jelly. Short bouts as in 12 or so hours and then she’d need more time for her intestines to recover.
    I thought it was fructose intolerance. Really I did. It wasn’t until I saw a pattern of eating strawberries which she loves and bouts right after, within 90 minutes of onset that I finally, let me go to the head of the class, finally twigged that this was more allergy in a different form. And phoned the allergist.
    Gastro-intestinal anaphylaxis. Repeated bouts can damage the lining in the small intestine and colon. It’s not just strawberries. She’s had this before after other fruits.
    I’m so on the barge going down the Nile about the eczema and allergy thing. I thought I was meticulous and I do manage to keep control of her skin but I missed something that made her terribly unhappy at school and something that can damage her health for life and will strip loved foods out of her restricted diet. Ouch.

  48. Ahhhh could use this today, I’m a massage therapist with a full day of work and I can’t turn my head to the left- ironic! Don’t have the resources to get regular work myself.We just ordered the big boy bed due to the big boy climbing out of the crib which means that till it comes and I guess forever after I can’t let him do some crying in the middle of the night and so our sleep training is out the window. He is threatening to give up the nap, boo-hoo!! I need to wean him off the paci( for his teeth) and the boobs( for me) I’m am the lovey, he is a twiddler and I’m climbing out of my skin with all the touching touching touching!!! Guess how much I have left for DH???
    I feel a little disconnected and lost in the groundhog day of toddlerhood, need some mommy time soon!
    OTH we did get a reprieve from the 5:30 a.m up for the day, when he wakes up around 5 I bring him into bed with me and he sleeps till 7/7:30 its amazing.
    On the positive note, I went for an awesome run yesterday which gave me a huge high, and the speech therapy is working DS is talking so much more this week!!
    Thanks for the space to vent, Moxie- I’ve been checking the other blog out wondering if you’ve come to the end of the negotiations yet. Hoping peace for your family soon.
    All the best to my fellow Moxites, hoping tomorrow is a better day!

  49. More of a primal annoyance for me today. I wish the postal strike would end. Now. Just before the strike I re-sent in our provincial tax returns (accountant had forgotten to send me a few key sheets to include). Waiting on a huge tax refund, which would come in handy right about now. Also need to send in some rather hefty dental receipts to our insurance co. for reimbursement. At least hopefully I’ll be able to fax those in. Hopefully.And to all those with early risers, I feel your pain. And it does/can get better. At least periodically. With DS just turning 3, our wake-up time ranges from 5am – 7am on a lucky day. Usually it’s somewhere around 6/6:30, which I now consider manageable. Especially if he sleeps through, which he does now more often than not.
    This morning’s wake up time was 4:40 am. Argh. Too early. Way too early. Though I think today’s early wake-up was due to pain from a puffy & cut lip/scraped chin from a fall last night when DS was climbing down from his chair at the dinner table.
    Hoping everyone finds at least a joyful moment or two this weekend.

  50. OMG! I so needed a primal scream, it ha been a heck of a month.The nanny did not take it well (understatement of the year) when I told her we wouldn’t be needing her in the fall and now things are all tense. Ugh! I know she took it personal but its so not. This is just the right decision for our kids.
    I am freaking the heck out about my 23 month old. He is happy and healthy but he doesn’t talk. Oh he says mama, dada, plus yes, no and turtle(?) occasionally. And he will sign more but also not on a consistent basis. He has excellent receptive language skills and follows directions just fine but most of his speech is just babbling in gibberish. His fine motor skills are advanced per our ped and he is potty-trained (during the day, still wears a diaper at night).
    I keep fretting and worrying about autism although really the only sign he has is delayed speech. Both our pediatrician and the speech pathologist who assessed him last week, believe his development is fine and it is just a expressive language delay. And I truly don’t think he is autistic but its the big scary word that keeps coming to mind. We see Early Intervention for an assessment next month.
    This is so so hard because my oldest (now 5) was super verbal by this point and I know not to compare them but oh, I so wish my baby could/would talk. *tears*
    And to top it all off, I found out that I have a herniated disk in my neck that has caused some severe pain in my left arm. it is better now but I am still not sleeping more than 6ish hours a night. Trying to decide when to throw in the towel and try the epidural shot. But that’s my last recourse before moving on to surgery. ON.MY.SPINE! *shudder*

  51. @anonymoose, NuvaRing is the same thing as the pill, just low dose, so if the pill was bad for you, it might be too. And, just another data point, it irritated me — I had a discharge and was kind of always-itchy. Ask your gyn and maybe you can try it out before you commit to anything. In my state (Washington), law compels insurance companies to cover BC.@Freaked Out Mama — CoDependents Anonymous, that’s who you’re supposed to talk to. Seriously, if you can, get yourself to a meeting. Or there are other options, depending on his addiction: AlAnon (alcohol), NarAnon (narcotics). But CoDA is for anyone. I knew folks with spouses with sex addiction, children with meth addiction, parents with gambling addiction, spouses with mental health problems. Anything that can cause your world to be All About Them. They’re there to listen and support and NOT judge and share experience and make you feel like you’re not alone.

  52. My husband’s predictable lack of organization and my predictable reaction to it is my primal scream. This morning it was his turn to drop the kid off at camp, and he needed to bring swimsuit, towel, and flipflops in a swimbag. None of these could be found because it was my husband’s turn for pick up from camp the last time it was a swimming day, he didn’t put the swimming bag away. As a result, we had to hunt for the bag, one of the flip flops was missing (we eventually found it in his car), and I still have no idea where his swimsuit and towel went. We gathered backup versions of everything and still got our kid to camp, but in the meantime, the kid is stressed because he can’t find the things he needs to go swimming, and husband and I are running late and pissy with each other because of it. And I’m frustrated with my reaction to this. It infuriates me that my husband, the smart, creative man that he is, consistently cannot solve these simple organization problems. To me it’s easy: when you bring the kid home with a swim bag, stick the suit and towel in the washing machine, keep the flipflops in the bag, and the next load of laundry will contain clean suit and towel, so stick them back in the bag so kiddo is ready. The laundry room is BY THE DOOR to the car, there is no missing it. So if I intervene, I can solve the problem for him, but then he’ll never learn how to do it on his own, and I’d always have to do it, and I don’t have time to do my share and his share of the work. If I don’t intervene, then we have more stressful mornings like this. I’m seriously tempted to go hide in the bathroom whenever this happens, and let them figure it out. Actually I’ve tried, but they find me!And I’m stressed about an amniocentesis coming up. I hope this little one is okay.
    I’m seeing several with worries about children and their health, and my sympathies are with you!

  53. Finally, gratefully, in a place in which my only scream-inducers are (a) massive debt and (b) a giant gash in my thumb, from chopping lettuce while angry. The latter will heal, though probably with a scar; mostly it makes me feel slightly sheepish whenever I look at it. The former I’ve decided to live with and stop beating myself up over – it kept us afloat during some very tough times, and for that I’m thankful. And at least I’m getting lots of freelance work, so cash flow is restored in the immediate term.And for all the PPs – I’m breathing deeply on your behalf. All I’ve got for those with early risers/crappy sleepers/kids needing relatively little sleep: It does get better. Ours is 5 – didn’t sleep through the night until 4, but now it’s very easy and pleasant, 9-6:30 (or 7 if we’re lucky). It will get better.

  54. WOW, you ladies are all fabulous. I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone in this. And thanks for weighing in, Moxie – I was considering writing to you about this, so it’s good to know that it’s an unsolvable issue 😉 I’m sure we’ll get past it eventually! Perhaps in the winter when the sun isn’t coming up so early.

  55. And since I’ve just realized that you are probably not all reading this comment thread waiting desperately for my response, I should add that the issue I originally posted about is an early-waking baby.

  56. It has been six and a half months since my husband lost his job. I’m still working full-time, but it’s now been just over 3 months since my old position was eliminated and I took a step back career-wise just to stay employed and keep my son’s health benefits.I’m also now on my last day of the rotating late shift on this job, which has been hard on all three of us. I left a few minutes later than usual this morning because my son was being clingy and cuddly after his morning nap, and he didn’t want to let me go, and honestly, I didn’t want to let him go either. I would have happily taken the day off and snuggled with him and played with him and watched Dora and Laurie Berkner. (And then sneaked an episode of The Tudors during his afternoon nap.) But I went to work, so I can save my precious little bit of paid leave for my brother’s wedding later this summer.
    There are good things going on, too. But the employment situation is feeling particularly dismal right now.

  57. @Cloud – I’ll try covering up while pumping. Thanks for that tip. I can’t help feeling like it’s a mental block so I’ll try anything at this point! I have a hands free bustier. And I usually try in front of trashy tv.@Kara – had an amnio last summer and was sooo worried because we had a high risk triple screen result for downs. The amnio was painless and the result was great. Hugs to you. It’s really stressful.
    In fact, hugs to everyone. It’s amazing what we all do to keep our families happy and healthy.

  58. @ Jac: “And, frankly, am tired of hearing DH talk about how tired he is from all the travel – he gets to sleep in hotel rooms BY HIMSELF. ALL NIGHT. NO INTERRUPTIONS. So, please, STFU. I would pay someone for that opportunity.”Yes!Yes!yyesyesyesyesyesyes! I am on my own with the kids for weeks at a time and pleasssee hubby STFU about your “exhaustion” at a) getting to do whatever you want all the time and b)sleeping through the night every night.
    Both my kids are early risers. I’ve seen every sunrise regardless of the time of year for the past 3+ years. This morning the baby woke up at 4 sodding 15 AM. Sleeping ’til 6 is my idea of a fantasy. Just completed a ginormous move (spent 3 hours at the DMV this morning – ’nuff said), got a nasty cold, and my toddler has the croup. I desperately need to get back to work, and even more so I NEED A BREAK. That’s my primal scream. I NEED A BREAK FROM MY KIDS. Not just going to work, but like, something fun, for myself, even better, something that involves waking up in a big white bed in a perfectly silent hotel room at 8 AM.

  59. @Jac- don’t forget the beer! Or wine. Or a shoulder rub from your partner. Whatever relaxes you. Stress blocks let down.@Michelle, I have an almost 21 month old who isn’t talking all that much. Well, I’m sure she thinks she is talking, but we can’t figure out that many words. Her now super verbal sister was similar- didn’t talk all that much and then BAM! Talking a bunch, and even in sentences. If your pediatrician isn’t worried, don’t worry.

  60. for the poster who needs lower-cost birth control (did someone mention this already? sorry if so) could try Planned Parenthood instead of your OB. Sometimes that is cheaper.

  61. @Michelle,I had a bulged disc (not sure if it’s the same as you; the terminology was in Danish) that caused pain in my right arm. I went to a wonderful physical therapist, who caused me horrific pain while there, but it got so much better. She also gave me exercises to do, and has me sleep on a contour pillow, and no more on my stomach (waa!). But it’s all better.
    I really recommend you look into other treatments, if possible.

  62. Dissatisfaction and turmoil at work, and utter fatigue over the scolding inherent in the words, “well at least you have a job”.Wishing relief to us all, in whatever form is needed.

  63. The political situation in my state is making me want to move. As good as things are in my city, things are being completely overridden by our horrible, reactionary state legislature. Career issues + debt are making it really hard to even contemplate a move though. I don’t feel like I have energy to look for a new job, and even mentioning it would burn a lot of bridges that I don’t want to burn. My backup state (the place I always said I’d move to if things went bad where I currently live) has recently also went a bit crazy. I’m worried about the impact all of the crazy things our state legislature did this year will have on my 15mo son because a good chunk of the changes they made will have a really negative impact on our (already pretty bad) educational system.

  64. @feesh- We are having the same problems. I want another child. Hubby is not so sure. He also thinks that I am nuts to go through pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year all over again. We just got a semblance of normal back again! We are also older, as I am 37, and I do not want to wait too long.I love hearing about all the toddler issues, as I am in toddler-ville. I knew something was wrong, but could not put my finger on what. Now I think it could be dealing with a very needy toddler! They can suck the life right out of you!
    We also have an early riser. He is 17 months, and sleeps about 11 hours and wakes up at 6 AM most days. We are just living with it. At some point, we hope to teach him that we will come get him at 7 AM, but I think he is too young right now. Hubby and I work out one day a week for me to sleep in. I think that is my favorite day of the week.
    I backed into someone’s car in a parking lot today. I left a note, and now I am waiting on someone to call me back so that we can exchange insurance info. I hate it when stuff like that happens.
    I also let a certification expire that I needed for work. The class to renew it is on Monday night, right at prime time for baby stuff. I hate that I am going to miss putting him to bed that night. I also hate that I let the certification expire. The only up side is that I get a day off of work.
    Oh, and just to make things fun, I am expecting my period any day. So I got PMS, too.
    Just feeling like I cannot win right now. (Of course that could be the PMS talking.)

  65. @ Amanda and other parents of early risers – I recall reading the internal clock of young children is derived from the sun-up/sun set at the Equator, which is essentially 6pm-6am (This is probably an inaccurate description of the actual science of it, but that is the gist). So, your kids are programmed to get up around 6am. I think as they get older, social cues begin to play more of a role so that they “learn” to sleep in later.There is a reason we can’t figure out how to get kids to sleep in. Seriously, how do you fight the equator?

  66. @get me out of here!, I feel the same way about my state, and if I would have been asked what my primal scream was about earlier this week, it would have been about my state’s complete FUBAR of our health insurance options. This is just the latest in the long line of problems that make me want to run for the border. I can empathize, and I’m sorry you have to deal with similar nonsense, too.@Jac, thanks for the support. It’s great to know of someone who says the amnio was not painful for once. One of my fears is that the pain will be bad enough that I’ll jump or move and inadvertently hurt the baby.

  67. My scream is more of a sob. I’ve been able to be home with my almost-7-month-old since she was born but it’s now all ending. I start work on Monday. Actually, I start my internal medicine internship on Monday which, from what I understand, means that life as I know it is ending. And with the crazy, long hours I’m really worried that I am never going to be able to see my daughter except on those lovely, precious 4 days per month that I get off. However, like Amanda (and many others) I too have an early riser so at least I will see her awake before I leave the house in the morning at 6:30 or so! Also, my baby generally sleeps in 3 hour stretches through the night so I am a bit worried about how I will function on the job when I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since last November. I did get the go-ahead to try sleep training from the pediatrician but was warned that it is a bad idea during “times of transition.” Guess that will have to wait.Love and Hugs to all you other wonderful parents. Keep doing the best you can.

  68. To all re: my Aspergers post – thanks for kind notes. Will catch up more this weekend and come back to you.Everyone else – big hugs.

  69. @InternMommy, I have one bright side for you: changing child care arrangements now means that she will be used to it BEFORE she hits the 9 month separation anxiety phase, which will make it easier on both of you.On the sleep thing: how do you feel about cosleeping? I fought the idea with my first and went that route from about 7-8 months old with my second. I get much more sleep when we cosleep. Plus! I get to wake up next to my cute snuggly baby (who is now almost 21 months old). I did end up cosleeping with my first out of desperation, and we had no problem transitioning her to her own bed, when she was about 2. We do partial night cosleeping (baby starts the night in her crib, joins us on first wake up). If cosleeping isn’t for you, ignore me. But if you’re open to it, ignore the naysayers who say you’ll never get the kid out of your bed.

  70. @Erin – I totally hear you. The minute this baby is weaned ( a year from now?) I am checking into a hotel and sitting on the bed for 24 -48 hours, eating, watching crappy tv, reading and sleeping. Alone. Ah, the silence and peace of it all.

  71. @Sadie, way back – couples counseling saved my marriage AND got my husband done with his dissertation. A dissertation and a family is incredibly stressful; get help to get it done. In my family, at least, the dissertation (the stress, the guilt, the denial) caused a bunch of knock-on problems as well.My big issue this summer is my husband’s job ends in – oh, look, 2 months from today. He’s had one job interview he’s waiting to hear from, and has another lined up for the end of the month. Either opportunity would mean contemplating a huge move – across the country or across the Atlantic. School starts in our city in 7 weeks, and we own our house, and I have a job that, while paying laughably little, has some really great aspects. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Today I’m actually okay with not knowing. But I fully expect to be crazy at some point pretty soon.

  72. How’d you know I needed a vent? I’m still nursing my 14 month old, but I’m feeling so TIRED OF IT!!! I’m feeling touched out, and sick of the gymnastics, the biting, the picking, picking, picking at me, the pinching, the needing to stay latched all night long, etc. etc. etc. It’s really wearing on me today.

  73. Anonny, you can get help. A LOT of moms feel like this, and no one will judge you for it (or at least no one who counts). If you can’t find the strength to ask for help for your sake, do it for your child’s sake. S/he deserves a mom who is at her best and can give her best to her children. You deserve to feel good as well, but I know for myself I wasn’t able to ask for help for my own sake but once I saw how my depression was affecting my son I was able to ask for his sake.As for my scream, AAAAAAAAGH. I’m STILL trying to find the correct dosage of meds for the depression (although I think I’m close) and my usual non-med coping technics involve long walks, exercise and yoga. Well, a couple months I sprained my ankle. REALLY sprained my ankle. And I kept reinjuring it. Over and over and over again. So no yoga, no walks for two months. I’ve started physical therapy, which has been helping immensely, but I won’t be cleared for yoga until possibly next weekend at the earliest. I’m so frustrated. I miss walking with my family. I miss yoga!
    My kid STILL won’t eat any fruits and vegetables. We’re slowing WAY down and working on just tolerating the presence of a veggie on his plate for 1 minute. He got a tick in his ear (IN! HIS! EAR!) and is now being treated for Lyme.

  74. so many of you have it really hard right now and i am so so sorry. is it creepy that it breaks my heart and i don’t even know you?my life is good..i have a great job, enough money, a beautiful & healthy baby boy and a faithful good husband. the problem? we haven’t had sex since the night before the baby was born. that was over 6 months ago. :/ about 3 months ago, i bought the sexy outfit, etc..tried to do it, but didn’t make it that far (if you know what i mean..on his end anyway). it’s been so long that i can’t even face it. i feel so unattractive and looking for attention and i can feel a fight coming on. maybe that’s what we need…i dunno.

  75. First of all, hang in there EVERYONE. I am sending good thoughts your way. :)@ Amanda (and all other parents of early risers): our 19 month old has been rising anywhere between 4 and 5 in the morning for ONE SOLID YEAR now. I have done it all to try to get him to sleep in later, and I have HEARD it all, too. Totally feel your pain. In fact, my own primal scream right now is coming from a place of frustration that even IF we get a babysitter and want to do something “adult” in the evening, we can’t stay out later than 9:30 or we will not be able to function the next day. I feel like my kid is holding me hostage.
    And we’ve all been sick for the last 6 months – colds, ear infections, sinus infections, sore throats, pinkeye, you name it. Not all four of us at the same time, but even just one person being sick throws everything off and I feel like I’ve been trapped in the house with a bunch of sick people who won’t/can’t sleep long enough to recover properly.
    I know it will get better, but I’m starting to think it will be a long time before I feel rested and myself again.

  76. Phewf. This has been brewing for a while so thank you, Moxie, for the space for the scream.And before mine, let me just say I’m sending all the love I have to all the rest of you – I hope you find the same comfort that I do in just knowing that we’re all out there in the darkness somewhere, rooting for each other.
    I have a beautiful six week old baby girl that I adore. It’s hard but it’s great. That’s not the scream.
    The scream is this: I miss my Mum, even though I’m really really mad at her. She died last year of pancreatic cancer, and it was horrible, just horrible. And she didn’t tell us that she was sick until it was too late. I cared for her for the last seven weeks that we had and it SUCKED. For both of us. She hated it, I hated it, and we never really got over it before she died. Plus we had other issues in the background that we never talked about (THAT being the main issue, the not-talking).
    I am so unbelievably angry with her for leaving me on my own like this, even if she would have driven me halfway to crazy. There’s just nobody like your Mum and I have so many questions. I find myself thinking about her a lot (my DD was born the day after my birthday which adds an extra spice to the whole thing). And I want someone to say ‘oh that’s what you were like’, someone who knows. My Dad died two years before my Mum but I can’t even go there, I miss him even more.
    I have a wonderful DH and a very supportive family-in-law but sometimes I feel invisible because as much as I love being a mother, sometimes I just want to be mothered too.
    OK. Big breath out. Thank you, truly. And here’s to a better tomorrow for everyone.

  77. You guys are the best!@ Cloud…you are right. I shouldn’t borrow trouble. And frankly every bit of anecdotal evidence points to my little one’s lack of talking as likely “just” a speech delay. Every single child born on my husband’s side of the family except my oldest has needed speech therapy.
    @ Claudia…I am seeing a physical therapist 1-2 times a week plus have a new pillow and no more tummy sleeping (*sob*). It is just this nagging pain that is driving me crazy. My herniated disk also had a bone spur which as I understand made the stress to the nerve root worse. Gah! crossing my fingers that I can avoid surgery.
    @kara (way back) I had an amnio both times and it didn’t hurt at all. Less than a flu shot, imo.
    @ Claire (((HUGS)) I know its not quite the same but I lost my dad to cancer when my oldest was just 4 months old. It sucks!
    Everyone…hang in there!

  78. I just this moment got criticized by my husband for still nursing my 25- month-old. My husband. The father of my children. My best friend. There aren’t even words.

  79. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since my second baby was born. She’s a year and a half old. My husband thinks I’m just not strong enough. Last fall I finally started getting some therapy even though he didn’t like it. Today I finally conceded that antidepressants are necessary. Now I’m queasy from the first dose and nervous about both telling him or about keeping it from him.

  80. Re birth control, just some data points. I LOVED both my Mirena and my Nuvaring. I don’t do well on oral HBC, but neither Mirena nor Nuvaring caused any of the same problems (depression, reduced sex drive). I only spotted for the first few months, and I was still nursing for quite a while after I got it. My periods were blissfully blissfully light, and I love the “no-brainer-ness” of it. :)Don’t know if that helps at all!

  81. @amy – I don’t know if this is comforting at all, but you are not alone! Between pregnancies and babies and exhaustion and not living all the time in the same place – well, let’s just say other than actually making the babies we have, I could probably count the number of times we’ve had sex in the past THREE YEARS on both my hands. I miss my husband, I miss being close – and it’s not lack of desire per se on anyone’s part, just exhaustion, pure and simple (and when I was pregnant I had hg and couldn’t bear it if anyone even brushed against me let alone anything else). On better days I try to take the long view – this phase won’t last forever. Eventually we’ll get more sleep and be able to make more time for each other.@Snarkadoodle – word. We have early risers. I go to bed religiously at 8:30, sometimes earlier. When pregnant (during #1’s 18 month sleep regression), I went to sleep at 7:30.

  82. Due to weird summer numbers, my 11 month old non-walker is in a room with 7 other children all older than him (range from 14 months – 2+ years) and one of them clobbered him on Wednesday and gave him huge scratches on the side of his face, and today he spiked a fever of 102 and got diagnosed with a double ear infection. And baby boy still wakes up every 2 hours, on a good night. Getting him to bed has been taking an hour or more for a week now and it’s making my skin crawl. At least the poor guy’s ear troubles have given me the sympathy to have a little more patience.Will come back and read more comments later to see if I have anything POSITIVE to say.

  83. K…my daughter has hypatonia and now @5 with OT/PT she just completed her second dance recital doing acrobatics. At 1, after months of therapy she was just sitting up and rolling over. She will get there but it sucks living thru it. I cried alot and never thought the appts would end./

  84. @Minty: It sounds to me like your daughter might be entering the *dreaded* 18 month sleep regression (my son’s started at 17 months and ended at 21 months, for data points). You might go to Moxie’s archive on this. My ped repeated exactly Moxie’s advice about this stage – bear with it, don’t try to sleep train (they have separation anxiety and sleep training aggravates this and it usually doesn’t work anyway). We went from a perfectly sleeping child to one who woke up 1-3 times every night and needed to be soothed back down, and woke up every day at 4 AM. Almost drove me into the ground. Knowing it’s normal and will pass and there’s nothing you can do might help!

  85. Oh, and @ Cloud – YES YES and YES about the picky eating. It is not bad parenting! I have one eater and one non eater. It’s how they are. They will grow out of the worst of it. I was like that too, so luckily I have lots of sympathy for my LO, who on some days will only eat yogurt and fruit.

  86. I have a 4.5 year old boy who consistently (still) gets up at 6am, no matter the bedtime. My only advice is to set up toys/games/tv channel the night before and show the child how to engage him/herself (when age appropriate). I pour a bowl of cereal and leave it on the table, pour a cup of milk and leave it in the fridge for him (which is easier to pour himself). He gets up (still wakes me but I can doze/go back to sleep), makes his cereal, opens my laptop and plays pbs kids or treehouse games. Obviously this wouldn’t work for a baby though. But there may be something that can occupy them while you catch a few more zzzzzzzz.

  87. Oh – I’m an unemployed single mother, not getting help from my soon-to-be-ex. I’m down to my last $150 but thankfully I picked up some work on contract next week. I was offered a full time position – verbally – but this has not been followed up by an official offer and I’m becoming less and less hopeful that the job actually exists. I’m a few months away from bankruptcy if I do not get a job.And I’m overweight. And my cat is old and I can’t afford to help her if/when she gets sick. And I’m addicted to snacking on pretzels.

  88. @Elizabeth: I’ve been in that awful place of depression and thought I wasn’t strong enough. It’s not true. Getting the help you need to move out of that place will make all the difference, and accepting that you need the help in itself makes you strong. I hope that your husband will support you when he sees the positive effect that therapy and antidepressants can have on your (and your family’s) life.My primal scream of the day: my husband is trying to put my 22 month old to bed right now, and it is NOT working. She keeps calling “Mommy”, and all I want to do is go in there, but I’m trying not to step on my husband’s toes. I guess if that’s the worst of it, I’m doing all right today.

  89. Elizabeth – I’m sorry your husband doesn’t think you’re strong enough. It’s not true. You’ve actually pursued the problem, which is a lot more than many, many people do. Good for you for doing that.AM – I’m sorry that your daughter may have another orthopedic issue. My first had stubborn dysplasia (spica cast). It was really not fun, and it seems like you shouldn’t have to do it again!
    Me, I’m depressed (and not properly managing it). I have a 5 year old who can’t exist for EVEN A MINUTE without my complete attention and must repeat everything she wants to say ad nauseum, and a needy 20 month old who is constantly trying to kill himself in ingenious ways. I just want it to be quiet. Desperately.
    There’s nothing wrong with my life now. The loud, sweet demands on my attention are lovely children, my husband is good, I live in a great place, and I have great friends (even though I never see them). But I have no imagination about what I want to do for work and no conviction that if I did know I could do it. And I’m *40*! Too old for this. I’ve given myself until the toddler goes to preschool to start working it out, but time feels so short…

  90. My son didn’t talk at 2 years. He said nothing. A few signs, but that was it. Receptive language was really bad. He just turned 3 and has caught up in all areas, but his speech is still odd and has lots of other sensory issues with overload.I’ve tried 3 times to have him evaluated. No answers. He can’t complete any evaluations because he goes into overload and has a meltdown.
    He doesn’t have enough wrong to fit autism, but has enough traits that I can’t get an answer. And I NEED an answer. Is it PDD NOS? High functioning autism? Am I getting enough services to help him!
    My heart breaks with every evaluation. He has come so far, but I can’t be happy because of constantly looking for things that are wrong. He is walking on his toes, he is repeating too much, his eye contact is bad. The plus is he is speaking in sentences. I understand him now.
    Hugs to all the parents who are dealing with speech/development issues. It feels like it will never get easier. I wish I could hug all of you in person.

  91. I haven’t read through all of these yet but yes I need this today. so much to primal scream about1) My husband is convinced our roof needs replacing. There’s a $5000 bill. And it’s going to be done tomorrow, so all the noise and bugaboo should be annoying.
    2) I do not really agree with the roof being replaced since it is not leaking yet and would rather not spend the money. I have a pipe dream to move out of the city here into the country so that we could buy a bigger house for half the price and effectively both move to part time work so we could spend more time with our daughter. Husband does not want to leave the city, even if it means I slave at a high stress job that I’m hating at the moment.
    3) I worked from home today for the first time to try to prove to my boss that YES people can work from home and get stuff done! My husband, a SAHD, went to the dentist this am so I had to watch our 17 month old and got no work done. Then he came home for a bit, and had to go out to run an errand while DD was napping. He’s gone for about 45 minutes and I get a phone call saying the car is acting up and he’s taking it into the repair shop. Turns out a RAT crawled into the engine and it’s going to cost $700 to fix. And my hubby isn’t going to be home before 6pm. Which means that I had to watch DD all afternoon and got no work done. My boss is expecting two major things on her desk first thing Monday morning, which means I now have to work at some point this weekend. Which I don’t know when, because tomorrow I have to take DD to a birthday party (and DH will be at a funeral – and therefore out for about 5 hours tomorrow) – and I’ll be watching DD again, and on Sunday we’re visiting my parents for Father’s Day.
    4) My DD is 17 months and not walking yet. She’s cruising, but not walking. Not interested. It breaks my heart. She’s the size of a 3 year old and I see kids half her size and half her age walking. It makes me feel like I am a shitty parent because she was the last kid to do everything…head control, sitting up, rolling over, crawling…always WAY later than her peer group and later than kids even younger than her.
    5) My job – I wish I could like it and it’s not a bad job but it’s high stress and I keep feeling like my boss is dissapointed since I don’t work “her” hours (7am to 9pm, plus weekends) and therefore can’t meet my deadlines. My review is coming up and I know I’m going to get slammed. And I’m the only one working right now, and DH is SOOO not interested in looking for a job because he likes being a SAHD (and I am glad he is because we don’t have to deal with daycare drop off and pick up, but the stress of being the sole breadwinner is, well, stressing me out).

  92. oops forgot to add my daughter has now, after months of being able to put herself to sleep easilly after her bed time routine, taken to screaming her head off – and it’s now taking about 2 hours to put her to bed. And she’s now waking at 6:30am too (for ages she didn’t wake before 7:30am). ugh…

  93. My husband, who I love dearly, and I haven’t had sex in 18 months.It’s me, not him.
    It’s too much work. I feel fat and ugly. I’m so tired.
    It’s our anniversary this weekend and I’m trying desperately to psych myself up to finally make love again, but…I just don’t want to.

  94. I love this thread! To all of you worried about language delay in your kids, I was a very late talker. Like 24 months or so. When I finally started talking, it was in complete sentences. But I had my mom very freaked out for nothing. Hang in there.My screams: 1) my 5 month old is a terrible nighttime sleeper. The longest she has ever gone is 4 hours but average is 2-2 1/2 hour intervals. Currently, she has yet another bad cold so it’s more like 90 minutes at a time and I am exhausted. And I am feeling lots of pressure from friends and family to stop cosleeping and just do CIO. I really don’t want to do that but I am starting to feel guilty about not doing it even though I really don’t think it’s the right thing for my daughter. Sick of everyone telling me she should be going 6-8 hours.
    2) I feel overwhelmed with a new job and just feeling like there aren’t enough hours in the day for getting everything done. I haven’t cooked a real meal in 2 months, the house is a mess, the dog doesn’t get enough exercise, and I’m getting zero exercise and feeling crappy. I have a gorgeous, happy daughter and a wonderful husband (also with a super busy job) but I find myself being angry and frustrated with him and myself for neglecting so many things. But we just don’t have the time or energy.

  95. My five-month-old takes five cat naps a day. Rarely more than twenty minutes. So I get little breaks, but it feels as if I never get a real break. It’s intense and it’s wearing on me. This is my second kid, and the first one taught me that there’s not much I can do about this.

  96. Having to stay home with the kids all day. Then my husband complains that he needs to rest when he gets home… grrr… and then having to work on career development after the LO’s go to bed while he gets to relax. UGH!This too shall pass… right?

  97. Not as immediate as what a lot of you are struggling with, but everything I read about global warming gets me more and more freaked out… and EVERYTHING reminds me of it. The weather. Food. Water.Not to mention I used to have some vague degree of faith that politicians were sort of working for the good of the country, even if they had to pander to the crazy element to get elected. I am losing hope.

  98. @wealtheow, we can have a “fruit and veggie” haters club! In fact, I was a member when I was a kid, and I eat both fruits and veggies now. I get so sick of the people who treat my daughter’s picky eating like a moral failing, on either her part or mine. It is just how she is… and it is NO BIG DEAL.@Sarah, don’t let anyone guilt you into CIO. If you want to do it, that’s fine. If you don’t, blow them all off. My first was a crappy, crappy sleeper. We finally started partial night cosleeping when she was 20 months old or something. She sleeps through the night now, in her own bed, and my only regret is that I didn’t start the partial night cosleeping earlier. That’s what we do with by second, and I get so much more sleep this way. As far as I am concerned, only people willing to come to my house and take the middle of the night shift get to have an opinion about my kids’ sleep. So that is me, my husband, and my saintly mother. Everyone else can shove it.
    And yeah, I’m in here on my computer, watching some programs run for work while my family is out in the living room having fun. Stupid deadline.

  99. my friend just had a glorious childbirth, and is reporting a haze of happiness so great that she doesn’t even notice her lack of sleep. I was busy doubting myself and my parenting abilities, second-guessing my decision not to try again for a #2, until I decided that I get to have the friend for a while. Anybody who brags about following her “birthing plan” perfectly deserves some discreet hating for a whileI’m also so freaking tired. My job is always going to sap the energy, even on a good day.
    And I wish my husband would stop asking “what’s wrong” as I weave on my feet while finalizing the bedtime routine. How many times do you need to hear “I’m tired”?

  100. @hope and becca, I’m probably mild Asperger’s (I screen well into the spectrum, but have not been formally diagnosed – no real need to do so at this point in my life. And people with Aspergers spot me a mile off as having Aspergers, so…).That said, I’m finding it very useful to recognize where ASD could be playing a role in my life. I’d have been happier knowing sooner, so I could just accommodate or grow skills intentionally. I like who I am, and what I can do, and I find it useful to finally understand clearly where I’m very different from most people – like, it used to drive me batty that other people didn’t notice stuff I think is glaringly obvious. Knowing that it isn’t necessarily some special magical thing (nor necessarily an IQ difference, for that matter), but just a useful capacity I was born with and can choose to use… it makes it much easier to not get frustrated. Both the upside and the downside are easier to manage knowing what they are. The focus, drive, and depth capacity that come with mild Aspergers can be huge advantages if you also work with the skills needed for the other areas of life. Certainly makes me very very good at my job. 🙂
    I’m sure it is a mind-warp for you, but … coming from not typical here, it’s a nice place to live. I’m with Temple Grandin – I would never give it back to be ‘100% neurotypical’. NEVER. Even though people were not kind to me as a kid (up to high school), adult life ROCKS. 🙂 So don’t be sad, just be strategic. It is what it is. Full Autism is tough, but Asperger’s is challenging the way ultra-high-IQ is challenging – lots of effort, lots of extra help needed, social challenges common, but really cool stuff possible.

  101. My primal scream is not having enough time to read through all the primal screams.I miss having time. I love my job, but it eats hours like nothing I’ve ever experienced. All the side effects of that are just whining, so not worth the typing time. Still, will be better when I’m not also backfilling another role for three weeks.
    Starting to get symptoms again suggesting I may need a hysterectomy. Held it off two years so far, but rolling back toward it again. Bleah. Can’t do an ablation because I’m high risk for endometrial cancer, and ablation suppresses the early symptoms.
    Miss having time to read and participate here. 🙁 Now have to go back and help the kids find a lost toy, then charging on through the rest of the day…

  102. @ Agnes: YES. I am seriously considering stopping my subscription to the NYT in order to stop freaking out/obsessing about climate change and what seems like the inevitable crash and burn of our planet and human race. It makes me sad to think that our kids are going to have to deal with some really, really tough challenges from which there will be no escape. I’m not allowed to talk about this with my husband anymore – he thinks I need to focus on being a good mom and living the best life I can. This is true, but I’m still worried.

  103. I’m 21 weeks pregnant b/c the first time I slept with the person I had been dating he took the condom off during intercourse. When I told him about the baby (who I’m excited and happy to meet) he proceeded to threaten and harrass me, alternating between telling me to get an abortion and telling me he is going to pursue me legally to take full custody of the child. He also lied about his name and where he lives; in fact he still flatly refuses to tell me where he lives. I own my own cleaning business (I actually clean) and it is sometimes physically overwhelming. I have a herniated disc in my cervical spine that seems to be agitated by the pregnancy and I am only able to sleep for an average of three hours at a time. My arm(s) go numb while I’m asleep and I worry that when the baby gets here I won’t be able to pick it up at night because of the numbness. Very few of my friends or family seem supportive of my pregnancy or my current life situation in general. I just wish I had a little distraction instead of constant worry. I worry about a potential legal battle and/or a spinal surgery directly following the baby’s birth.

  104. @ Name withheld: Move far away. Your skills are useful anywhere. Do you have a cousin in a different state that could help you out? Of course you´re excited and happy to meet your baby, it´s YOUR BABY. Good luck. And start saving whatever money you can spare.

  105. My husband is across the country for 7 days at a ridiculous corporate “team building” retreat. I really don’t see how he can be required to go zip-lining and hiking starting on Father’s Day weekend. Seems like a gigantic waste of time. Can’t they just take all the money they spend on these events and channel it into a better health insurance plan? That would help the “team” more than anything else.Definitely a primal whine here! Which reminds me: The other day my son was whining in the back seat and I jokingly asked him if he wanted some cheese to go with his whine and he immediately started whining for cheese. At least it made me laugh!

  106. I can’t even read what other people are saying because my anxiety is so through the roof and it just makes me feel worse/more panicky when I hear/see/read about other people’s struggles. I know this sounds SO selfish, but my messed up head immediately spins into “OMG, what if that happens to me?!”. Anyways, I did just want to say I’m so sorry for all you are going through Moxie. I know you are so strong, but it’s hard when you feel like life is kicking you while you’re down and I just hope you are able to find some peace in it all, somehow. I’m so glad you have such a strong support system here (and IRL as well). What would we do without this?!

  107. My 5 month old baby is screaming at me so loudly that my ears hurt. Sometimes I get so …. upset with that i just want to scream back 🙁 And I worry all the time that if it hurts my ears it can’t be good for hers either.

  108. @Hedra – thank you so much for your kind note. It’s funny – I actually went to your blog and was going to email you when we found out the diagnosis because I so appreciate all of your informative posts and thoughts. I wanted to hear what you thought of Aspergers. I have been reading AskMoxie for years and truly value your opinions. I wish you the very best and appreciate your time. Thanks.

  109. I don’t have time to read all the comments but read some, and@mom2boy – you deserve so much better. Seriously that is a shitty shitty thing. I’m sorry. And you’re awesome. Just sayin’.
    @Amanda – baby no.1 slept till 8:00 (still does). No.2 wakes between 5:00 and 6:00 and it is completely doing me in. More on that in my own primal scream below. I don’t know how to solve this problem other than to wait until she is old enough to get out of bed, go to the family room, turn on the cartoons, and watch them until I get up. I figure I’m about 2-3 years from that (she’s 16 months old now).
    My primal scream(s):
    – we recently lost a significant amount of money on an investment in real estate that went belly-up. We didn’t just lose the interest – we lost the entire principal amount. The loss chops several years off our retirement plans. Sucks bigtime.
    – 16 month old Annie still won’t sleep through the night and wakes at 5:00 a.m. Last night she was up for a four hour stretch of off and on crying. She was just so restless, like she wanted to sleep but couldn’t, and would cry out every 10 minutes or so. I rocked her for 45 minutes until she was fast asleep, then transferred her to her crib, only to have her crying about 10 minutes later. Four hours is longer than usual, but every night there’s something. I feel like she’s too old to still have these problems, and I can’t find a solution.
    – My husband is out of town and I find single parenting to be really hard. Huge high five to all the single parents out there – I don’t know how you do it. I’m on day three and nearly ran screaming from the house this morning.

  110. More a whine then a scream, but DH came home early from work on Weds. and has been feverish ever since. So he’s home but sleeping and/or staying away from our Little One which means I’m not getting any kind of a break. Hurray for his trying not to get her sick but I’m so over his being unwell (not that he isn’t).Also, Little One started vomiting after meals on an irregular basis on Monday. One trip to the doctor later we have no diagnosis so I’m concerned about that and frustrated that she has an issue and can’t tell me what’s wrong since she’s 11 months (9.5 months adjusted) and isn’t really talking/signing yet.

  111. Knee surgery (torn meniscus). That’s what’s going on with me. It sucks, but it’s actually one of the easier knee surgeries and recoveries. It still hurts a lot and the only pain medication I can stomach to take, I can only barely stomach when I eat enough food with it. But I’m wonky and out of it and unable to hang out with my kids much. Had to postpone my son’s second birthday party and so much for Father’s Day! I just keep trying to remember that it all gets better from here.I will definitely be back to read through the other screams and provide what support I can, but I’ve messed up two laptops and am bed-ridden so can’t hang out at the desk with the PC. My husband is nervously lending me his computer and keeps teasing me that I’ll mess this one up too! Anyway, I’ll get back online when I can.
    Hugs to all those out there!

  112. Primal moan from me. Our house is on the market and has been viewed over 500 times on the internet but no-one has been to see it yet. We’ve just had to drop the price to less (slightly) than we bought it for, which is scary. Somebody please buy our beautiful house for lots of money so we can buy the bigger one with a decent size garden that we want!And a very trivial one. I have a 3 month old and I’m breastfeeding and I have a ferocious appetite and I’m not loosing weight and I’m about a stone and a half overweight. Normally I’m quite philosophical about it and it doesn’t really bother me, but I have 4 big weddings to attend this summer and its getting me down a bit. I’ve bought a fabulous dress and I’m making the most of what I’ve got (with a little help from spanx!), but I am a little regretful because I could look a whole lot better. A selfish and vain little moan.
    Hope all those with serious issues get the help and support they need.

  113. @Elizabeth: ask your husband if he would think you are weak if you needed eyeglasses. Or meds for GERD. Because it’s the same thing. If you’re having problems and you need depression meds there is a chemical problem, and taking meds helps correct the chemical inbalance. DEALING with it makes you a strong person, and a better wife and mother.

  114. I normally just lurk but could sure use some commiseration/advice on some stuff that’s going on, and you ladies are such a smart and experienced group…My husband and I have been talking about adopting a child for about a year and a half. I am so desperately infected with baby lust (er, more like toddler lust) that I think about it all the time. It doesn’t help that a lot of my friends have just had babies. The problem is that my husband keeps changing his mind about it. I feel like I can’t push him at all, especially since I was adamantly against having kids myself the first 7 or so years that we were together, but at the same time, I feel like I can’t wait any more. I totally respect and appreciate that it’s not something to jump into, and yet I’ve made up my mind so firmly… And it drives me crazy that one day he’ll be saying, “I don’t even know if I want a kid” and the next he’ll say, “When we’re parents, we’re going to do X.” It is so so hard not to just tell him it’s happening whether he likes it or not.
    At the same time, I’m having a hard time dealing with a friend who just became a first-time mom herself. All of my other friends who have new babies live far away, so I don’t interact with them face-to-face, but I see her all the time, and for some reason, it has been really hard for me to continue to see her as my friend but also see her as a mom. I never know what to talk about because I don’t want her to think that I think the only thing she’s interested in anymore is babies, but I also know that a huge part of her life now is her baby so that’s a big part of what she has to talk about. I’ve sort of solved it by being really mute around her and letting her determine what the topic of conversation will be, but that’s getting old pretty fast. At the same time, I also have to contend with the fact that her baby is the closest object for my affections…
    @ Name Withheld, I have to second what Maja said. He sounds like an abusive creep. Both you and your child deserve a lot better than that.
    @ Rebekah, I hope you will read this because I know what you mean. I’ve been really sensitive to reading other people’s problems lately too. If it helps at all, I’ve found that it helps to try to think about the things you love when your brain is trying to go the other way – think about a touch, a smell, a sound, something that you are experiencing right now that makes you feel wonderful. And I hope it gets better for you.

  115. My primal screm is that my husband walked out approximately 3 months ago, telling me we lacked a connection after 13 1/2 years of marriage and 3 children. what he meant was that he’s been cheating on me for at least a year, and while he has been a barely involved parent in the 8 years we’ve been doing this, he suddenly wants to spend enormous amounts of time with our kids (which will just happen to impact his requirement to pay me child support). in addition, he has managed to rack up 13,000 in credit card debt in the last month or so, without any plans to pay any of it as he has taken all his money via changing his direct deposit and yet made no effort or indication that he is willing to pay any of the bills (this has always been my responsiblity).so I’m looking at a combination of marital desertion, financial ruin and watching my children spend time with a man who has over the years displayed a tremendous lack of good judgement,
    everyday feels like a new low as discoveries come up, and since we are not officially divorced yet, I really have no distance or ability to move on in even the simplest ways.

  116. my 6 month-old daughter (first child) has the most INSANE diaper rash and we can’t get rid of it. i seriously think it’s bringing about some late-onset ppd. i suddenly feel completely panicked and out of control – after 6 months of pretty painless (i mean, not 100%, trust) eating, sleeping, nurturing, solving, etc. and now this diaper rash is killing me. like i can’t FIX it and this is just the beginning of shit i can’t fix in her life. she bawls every time we change her diaper and also does this weird sucking-in-her-breath thing (i think in pain) that i convinced myself was some OTHER issue like asthma? some allergic reaction to some solid resulting in her throat closing (naturally!) and got so freaked that i almost got her out of her crib the other night to sleep with me just so i could make sure she kept breathing. and this morning when we were giving her some naked, air-out-the-butt time, she pooped all over my husband (happy early father’s day! this was actually quite hysterical). we’re doing (on ped.’s suggestion) baking soda baths, bacitracin for the super inflamed parts and zinc oxide diaper cream, with as much naked butt time as possible, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. anyone have any suggestions for diaper rash? or for my mental health? (already in therapy, so don’t worry.)

  117. @lee: If the rash isn’t clearing up with the regular things (zinc oxide, air-out time, baking soda baths) within 3 days or so, then it means one of two things: (1) yeast infection, or (2) bacterial infection. Your doctor or ped should be able to tell the difference visually. For a yeast infection, get Canesten cream, or basically any other anti-fungal cream (check the vaginal yeast infection section and the athlete’s foot section and find one that’s for external use). For a bacterial infection, your doc should prescribe an antibiotic ointment, which is basically prescription strength polysporin.Whether its an anti-fungal or an antiobiotic cream, slather on the zinc oxide on top like you’re icing a frickin cake. Buy it by the pound, seriously.
    My younger daughter (now 16 mo.) had bouts of both yeast and bacterial infection type diaper rashes, and I know your panic/stress about it – I did the same thing, between about 3 and 9 months old. The first bout was recurring yeast, then this horrendous rash came along after she had a stomach bug that caused diarrhea, and it wouldn’t clear up with the anti-fungal that had worked before so I was freaked out. Finally got the antibiotic from her doctor and it worked. She was rashy and sore off and on for 6 months of her life and it sucked. Very painful, bleeding at times, cried when she had to sit on her bum.
    She also crapped all over both my husband and me, the floor, the couch, etc. during air-out times. The things we do for our babies’ butts, eh?

  118. I have cyclical vaginosis, which coincides with the new birth control pills I am taking. For the last 3 cycles, it has been really smelly down there exactly 2 days before my period, then it thankfully goes away. This is not something I had ever experienced prior to taking the pill. Oh, and I’m not even supposed to be getting a monthly period in the first place with this pill. Gah.Part of me wishes DH would just get a vasectomy, but a very tiny part of me kind of wants to have a third baby… but then again, that would be the end of both my sanity and probably my marriage, too. (Historically, our marriage has not weathered the addition of new babies to our family very well.) I like the idea of a third baby more than I would probably enjoy an actual third baby.

  119. @hate this, odds of spontaneous twins increases with age, too – so include that in the potential picture. (That’s what we got on the third child.)

  120. New scream for me – Torn gastrocnemius (calf muscle) or the tendon connecting to it. Ow. I hate getting old (it is an ‘age-related’ injury). Prognosis is good, but I hate feeling old, and stupid (for accepting that invite to dance a fourth dance in a row – but I was feeling pretty good… dammit.) GAH! And right before we go on vacation where I’ll be walking around a lot.

  121. @ anon husband with addiction: Email me if you want to talk. My husband is also an addict (pot) It’s really hard, especially since it’s illegal. He’s very careful about it BUT it is costly ($30 a week) and he does often make it a priority to get high rather than do other things (like dishes, other housework). He also has a lot of anxiety and constant back/knee/neck pain, so he uses it to self medicate. If pot was legal that would help a lot but unfortunately it isn’t. Not sure what your husband’s addiction is, but write me, I might be able to help, or atleast provide an ear.@ PP’s I have the Paraguard- have had it for a little over a month. It’s working fine for me. Occasional mild cramping. Other than that, no breakthrough bleeding yet, but also haven’t gotten my period (still breastfeeding, son is 8 mos).
    Sending good vibes to all, tomorrow is a new day. Just like when you’re in labor, you have to go forward, can’t give up, baby has to come out somehow. I like to think of that when I feel like I.can’t.get.through.one.more.day.

  122. I want to scream because I just started having what I think are panic attacks. It’s horrifying, and I panic about having them, as Moxie panics about having them on the train.I read that quitting caffeine and upping magnesium can help. Any words of wisdom?

  123. I can hardly believe the trauma and difficulties so many of you are going through…I hope things start looking up for you soon and that you even see some miracles happening to turn things around.My first scream is about my BIL who seems totally clueless when it comes to understanding his family’s financial needs (they have 2 elementary school children). He recently sold his franchise to work for himself, but still doesn’t work enough hours to bring in enough money to cover their bills. He has said he only wants to work enough for them to manage financially, but he seems to have a different idea to everyone else of what that means, since they are still struggling. His wife (my SIL) desperately needs to replace her car, while he has an old car that he doesn’t even drive sitting in the garage that could pay for 2 decent second hand cars with money to spare. And there are things in their house that are falling apart and they can’t afford to fix them. And yet somehow he found the money to go to the casino and spend it on gambling. I am sick and tired of having to listen to these stories about his lack of responsibility to his family.
    My other scream is that my husband is being underpaid by a customer, who said he could work from home after a week on-site, but is still expecting him to drive to the other side of town every day, weeks later. This means he has to be up an hour earlier and is home an hour later than he would finish working if he was at home. Which means he is usually too tired to help around the house or give me a break from taking care of our 9mo.
    And finally, his beloved grandpa has been put on palliative care and could die this week. It will devastate his family.

  124. I don’t know when we’re moving, where we’re moving, when the foreclosure will finally be final, and all this uncertainty is giving my 6 yo anxiety.

  125. my almost 6 y.o. has perforated eardrums that the specialist told us will never heal, and he recommends an eardrum replacement. many more questions for him next visit. he’s sad about always wearing earplugs, for bath/shower/any water activity, and is very self-conscious.and he/we have just survived a hell year of kindergarten full of shame-based discipline, and physical & verbal intimidation by teachers. lack of compassion, speaking to children rudely…I just can’t believe it. He did well academically & tested as gifted in Math, but he acted out horribly at home, biting kicking fighting. we’ve shelled out many $$ at a child psychologist who of course is out of network, and my husband & I already have PTSD from our childhoods, which has been badly triggered by the violent outbursts. We had a school anxiety specialist visit the school to see how much is his perfectionist personality or other sensitivities & how much the school, and she said it was worst, most burnt out classroom situation she’s seen….yet she doesn’t stand behind her observation or give us a report so we can apply for a transfer.
    it’s particularly been difficult for me as my family of origin trained me to not trust my instincts & not trust other people, so I’m continually doubting myself.
    it’s a title 1 school, and if they didn’t make adequate yearly progress in Math again, we get school choice. so we’re waiting to find that out, then IF, check other schools out. or move? there are 13 houses for sale in the 9/10 of a mile from downtown to our house, should we try to rent our house & rent in the other elem school district? rents are more than what our mortgage is… so many details.
    and my husband started a new job, a promotion last week, that is great for us & him (although there are rumors of a buy out that make us nervous.) I was really excited & happy for him, and yet now, I’m resentful & heartbroken because *I* want a new exciting job. I’ve been a SAHM for the last 6 years, and I’m bored, stressed anxious, and looking at a summer detoxing my kid from the dysfunctional environment he was in, last week was hellish. and I snoozed on getting him into a camp at his former beloved preschool, and they’re full for the weeks I wanted him in.
    and IF we move, it’s going to be all me, and I’m completely overwhelmed. am trying to take it one day at a time, and breathing, and trying to have faith that there is more going on behind the scenes than I know and that all shall be revealed.
    but I cannot stand the idea of sending him on to first grade there even though the first grade teachers seem younger & nicer, I don’t want to be party to a system that allows little kids to be treated that way. In our conversations with the acting principal (no principal for 9 out of 10 months) we’ve focused on what our son needs, not what went on.
    and then I question if he’ll have just as many problems at another school, what with losing his hard earned friends at school A, and having to go through another year of major transition adjustment.
    I know we’ll all survive it, but this school year was just brutal.
    re: PP who were sensitive to others’ problems, my anxiety also gets really triggered by reading stories like these, and I also get frustrated that I’m usually late to the party and can never comment on everyone or offer great support.
    holy hedra! it was great to see your name! hope you heal up quickly, and same to caramama & her knee.
    Moxie, hope things resolve quickly w/all the negotiations.
    wishing everyone some peace & grace.

  126. @cloud & @wealtheow, count us in to the ‘fruit & veggie haters club’. Ugh. On the outside I don’t make a big deal of it. On the inside I fluctuate between exasperation and believing it’ll work itself out. DS *talks* a lot about fruit & veggies. Not so keen on actually putting them into his mouth. Ah well…it’s a new week next week.@hedra, Nice to see you ’round these parts. 🙂
    My primal scream following my primal annoyance on Friday is: enough with the sleep (or lack there of) already! 4 nights of crappy sleep for DS (and therefore for me). 2 of them probably my fault for timing issues. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Probably both. Oh, and DS would.not.nap. today. Despite desperately needing it. Praying for good sleep tonight.
    And since I’m kind of cranky, I’ll add: YES! Yes, my son is very sensitive, highly sensitive some might say. And yes, your loud voice, peppering of questions, in-his-face-ness, quests for attention and general too-much-focus-on-him is too much. Yes, still too much after you’ve toned it down. No, he is not shy. He needs to observe first, then participate. If you just go about your business he’ll relax much more quickly. Really. And no, I’m not over-protecting him.
    Thank you. Rant is done.

  127. @Lisa F., big hugs your way. I feel your pain/frustration about the school stuff. We’re not there yet as DS is 3. But we are making a daycare change and I find myself being obsessed with finding the right environment for him as he is more sensitive to, well, everything. And a lot of people don’t get that, or get what it means.Shame-based discipline, and physical & verbal intimidation by teachers? Crappy for all kids. Totally crushing for the extra sensitive ones. I fear a situation like this in our future. In fact, we’ve already had a situation like this in the past at DS’ first daycare. We pulled him as soon as we found out what was going on, but yeah, that still weighs on me.
    I hope your little guy quickly sheds the bad stuff from the last school year and that he gets a great teacher next year.

  128. Lisa f – I’m so sorry your baby had such a terrible first experience with school. That sounds awful. Have you given any thought to homeschooling? Your son’s in a bad school situation and you talk about wanting to do something more fulfilling as a sahm. Perhaps that could solve both those problems.I don’t have anything to scream about, thank god, but I do need to whine a little. Everything in my house seems to be broken right now and it’s driving me nuts! The air conditioner, dishwasher, multiple lights, bathroom cabinet- all broken. Also my husband is a total slob. And he just finished teaching for the school year so now he’s going to be home making a mess for the next two months. Annoying as I am already busy trying to keep up with our 10 month old and wish having hubby home made things easier and not harder for me.

  129. My job has completely fallen apart around me. I realize now that no one at work values me, cares about my career development, or considers me more than a warm body bringing in 53% of my salary in overhead (fucking grants). My supervisor laughed at me when I asked if he could teach me some of the skills that he has. HR doesn’t care. I send my kids to daycare for this. I feel like a terrible, terrible, useless person in all parts of my life right now.My 3.5 yo daughter has started having rages that scare the shit out of me and make me incredibly angry at her, and then at myself.
    My husband and I are at each others throats most hours of the day because of stress. We need marriage counseling and can’t afford it.
    My son needs extremely expensive formula, I need extremely expensive dental work, and we lost $85,000 on the house we sold last year. We are broke.
    I feel like a failure for not having a real career, for sending my kids to daycare for something far short of a real career, and for yelling in my daughter’s face, day after day.
    I have a neurological condition that makes everyday noises unbearable to me. It hurts every day. I often think that it’ll be a miracle if I make it to 50!
    It’s so good to write it down. 🙂

  130. @ lee- Mix until smooth: half the tub of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, half a container of Vaseline and about 4-5 tablespoons of corn starch and apply it to your baby’s diaper rash area every diaper change. This was the only thing that worked on my daughter’s AWFUL diaper rash that just wouldn’t go away and I got the magic formula from a friend who got it from a nurse in the NICU.Good luck!

  131. will read the rest later, but had to comment to @K with some support. My daughter was in the same place as yours at 12 months. Started PT twice a month, and at 19.75 months she finally took her first steps. They never did figure out why (no hypotonia or anything). She’s 21 months now and still getting the hang of walking, but is making amazingly fast progress – ie now we are actually chasing her around. So another data point for you, though I totally feel your disappointment.

  132. Is it OK to extend primal scream Friday all the way to Monday?I feel so hopeless and exhausted. One step forward, three steps back. My 9 month old just threw up his lunch. First time he ate more than a couple spoons in weeks, and up it goes again. He seems fine otherwise, except for doing some primal shrieking of his own. But he’s not eating or drinking anything close to significant amounts at 9 months and he’s still way below the 3rd percentile and has been since birth. And I so so so much want to be laid back about eating and not making a big issue out of it and just give him time and let him nurse day and night as much as he wants but I’m so afraid that this is the wrong approach for him. And I’ve been to lots of doctors but nobody seems to be overly concerned, so maybe I shouldn’t be either? I’m too exhausted to think this through because he nightwakes so often (always has) and is so high-needs during the day and I just see no end to this and I just want to know whether to just take it easy or to step up my game.
    Much love to all of you out there.

  133. @ T – I can’t really speak to your 9 month’s specific issue since I don’t know the details, but my #1 was gagging on/ throwing up solids at 9 months. He didn’t eat the whole lunch and then throw it up, usually; it was more like, I’d given him a little piece of soft avocado and he’d just gag and vomit. I thought he would never get on solids! He was also very tiny (fell off the growth chart at one point around 8-11 months). I think he’s extremely sensitive to textures (he would never eat home made baby food because it was too chunky) and has an easily triggered gag reflex. He started picking up at 10-12 months and then started eating ravenously. He’s still on the little side, but he had a terrific growth spurt 12-18 months and is now at the 25th %. So don’t lose heart! I was really worried about my little guy too. Remember he doesn’t really *need* solids at this point nutritionally.@Lisa F – I’ve had ear surgery on both my ears. If you’re in the PNW anywhere and would like a rec, I know a world-class surgeon. Seriously. He walks on water.
    @June – i wrote a response to you last night but the internet ate it, I guess. Anyway, I suffer from panic attacks, though they’ve eased with age. I found concentrated deep breathing with visualization to be very effective – basically, self-hyponsis. I think the deep breathing must calm the adrenline that causes the crazy symptoms that make it feel like you’re going to die and the concentration helps calm the spinning brain. Xanex can also be very effective, to take as needed. They’re little and they work fast.

  134. In a marriage I don’t want to be in. I see us heading for divorce. He sees us as perfect, happily ever after. Communication is horrendous so I can’t even tell him how I feel. Not that I really want it fixed. I want out. HOW do you get out of a marriage when one spouse thinks it’s perfect? I spend all day, every day thinking about this. Exhausting.

  135. I spend at least 10 hours a week driving to/from work to/from therapy appointments for my son. 40 hours a week working, 3 hours a week in said therapy appointments, and countless hours a week working on or dealing with the issues the speech/OT sessions are helping with. Add in regular doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, never ending laundry, bath/bedtime routines, cooking, household chores, etc. I’m SO exhausted/stressed I don’t know where to start…3.5 is making huge progress after 6 months of intense speech and occupational therapy – and yet there are still huge ugly meltdowns. He’s decided not to go bed before 9:30 and needs my full attention while he’s awake – meaning I get to finish 2 hours (or more) of work when he finally goes to bed. No method of dicipline seems to work and I’m finding myself back in the same place I was when we finally decided to take him to a specialist (and ignore everyone who said he’d be fine, everything was normal) – short on patience and often wishing I could just run away for a while. The almost 18 month old has a mystery virus making him feverish, cranky, tired, and not wanting to eat – plus it seems like the rest of his teeth decided now would be a great time to come in. And of course my husband is clueless and constantly complaining about how tired he is.

  136. I really really need this. You ladies really are going in through a lot.1) I am not on top of our financials at all. But I just looked at our bank account the other day and realized that we are not going in the right direction. My maternity leave a few months ago had a lot to do with that but we make decent money. I didn’t realize how much a second kid affected our financials. It doesn’t help that we are completely upsidedown on two homes and I really want to move back closer to my family about 1.5 hours away. There’s no way we can sell our house(s) to get some money back and buy a new house. I am so sad about that.
    2) Our marriage is upsidedown as well. Really hoping it’s only because of a new baby.
    3) Baby #2 is 8 months old and dropping off the charts (currently at 4%). He hates pureed foods (jarred or homemade). He’ll go to town on the puffs and yogurt melts but they just are fillers and sugars. He’ll eat things with consistency but gets bored after a few bites. No comments on the sleeping end because I don’t want to jinx it.
    4) The 3.5 year old is still horribly allergic to eggs even though we just got him re-tested and got the green light for him to have it. He got so sick and vomitted after eating a couple bites of icecream cake yesterday. He’s also going through the usual preschool issues but it’s really getting to me. He’s so facetious, sneaky, and picking up a lot of bad habits from other kids in his school.
    Ahhh…

  137. I don’t have childcare. I work full time. I haven’t had childcare since the beginning of April. I found an au pair, she was coming for the 10th, arrived, and was told she had the wrong visa, so she had to go home right away. What a freakin’ mess. So still no childcare. I sometimes feel like I might die of asking people for favours, since my very kind friends have been filling in a day at a time for childcare since the beginning of April (most of them refuse to let me pay them, so now I also feel indebted and this stresses me out too, though I know it shouldn’t). Also, I have no money. Also, I’ve been sick off an on since January. I have a requisition for a blood test to see if I have mono or low iron (I’m pretty sure I don’t have mono), but I don’t have the time or the energy to go and get it done.

  138. Milk and corn/corn syrup give my DS the worst diaper rash I have ever seen. It hurts so much he screams when I put on the ointment. And each incident lasts for a week.Threw my back out last week and it still hurts. The only upside is that with the muscle relaxants and pain reliever I haven’t slept this much since my kids were born. Although it only makes me that much more aware of how tired I am all the time.

  139. @Lisa F – one of Moxie’s boys had a similar kindergarten experience,so you might google around the archives or email her privately about it.Re: panic attacks: I take rx medication for mine, but they BLOW UP when i’m on caffeine. I do take magnesium & B6 supplements (+ tons of O-3) and that has helped, especially when the panic/anxiety ramps up during PMS.
    Also … HEDRAAA! Miss you, sister! So glad to see you around! Good luck with the knee.

  140. OMG, I am sending out massive empathy/sympathy vibes to you all! You are all going through so much that my knee surgery seems like nothing. It’s just a physical thing that I’m going to get through.But all the emotional, mental and financial crises that you all are going through? Crazy stuff! I wish I could give each and everyone of you big hugs.
    I got overwhelmed and can’t do one-to-one comments, but I want to say to everyone: We will all get through this. Whatever it is we are going through, we will make it to the other side. Then, of course, we’ll have other issues to deal with, but we’ll get through them too.
    On a brighter note, I was reading an article in the Economist (don’t I sound smart?) that was about how happiness really goes in a u-bend in our lives. Meaning that we are generally pretty happy in our 20s and even 30s, but that it goes downhill through our 40s and 50, BUT THEN BACK UP for our 60s and older! The least happy global average age was 46, but that 70 year olds are happier than even 20-30 year olds!
    So as much as I can figure, we all just have to get through some of these difficult years, allowing time and space to have our primal screams and whines, but things really do look better on the other side! And that gives me hope, even with the age-related injuries. Does that help anyone else?

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