Need infertility encouragement

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous has been trying to have a baby for a few years, with no success. She just got the diagnosis of having the MTHFR gene. She's feeling tired and like she's been running a marathon that never ends and just looked up to realize she's at the bottom of a tall mountain that she now has to climb, but at the same time hopeful that now that she knows what's wrong it can be fixed.

I know a lot of you have gone through infertility, in small ways or large. And I'm sure those of you who haven't experienced difficulty (or impossibility) conceiving and/or miscarriage have close friends or family members who have.

I know that there's nothing we can *do* for Anonymous. We can't tell her what will happen, or when it will happen. But I'm hoping we could maybe each give her a little gift that she can stick in her pocket and pull out when she gets tired and needs a little strength. So if you can, please write something. About your own experience with infertility. About how you made it through. About how your friends dealt with it. Or just something kind.

Thanks.

96 thoughts on “Need infertility encouragement”

  1. I struggled through 8 years of infertility, multiple miscarriages and long complicated fruitless adoption journeys.My two pieces of advice are:
    1. To try an remember that you are not alone. It can feel like motherhood is a club and while on the outside you are truly alone. When I was in my own pit it was so hard to talk to anyone because then I would just have to be verbalize my pain. Once I started to talk to friends and family more openly I was able to not only let go of some of my sadness and anger but to connect with people with similar experiences.
    2. Now this is hard can be hard to hear and even hard to act on. But try and be as positive as you can. I don’t be mean blindly Pollyanna-ish. I mean to accept your circumstances and do the best you can with it. I found it so easy to wallow in a dull pain and not really truly live. I’m not sure what this might mean for you but in small ways continue to be present and do the best you can.
    Almost two years ago I found myself surprisingly pregnant. And one year ago gave birth to a healthy wonder baby girl. And I know that she only came into our lives because both my husband and I had come to terms that children might not happen for us and that if we did not have kids we could have a rich fulfilling life without them. It took us eight years to get to this place. I know that when I was struggling I would have found my current story kind of annoying and perhaps mythical, but I thought I’d still share it.

  2. Infertility sucks. No two ways about it. It sucks big time!It so hard to go through on so many levels. First and foremost, because something (g)you have always assumed could and would happen, isn’t or doesn’t. It’s something the female body SHOULD do, but doesn’t always. Not to mention all the years using birth control seem pretty pointless when you find out it’s not that easy or possible for your body to get pregnant.
    I started to write all the other things that suck about it, but that’s only going to bring me and everyone else down. So let me just move on…
    Though very hard to go through, please remember these two things:
    1. Many women are able to have children even when they deal with infertility! Either through medical procedures, holistic approaches, surrogacy or adoption. Please remember that the point of going through all the infertility BS is to have a child, not simply to get pregnant (or have a baby). Look at all your options, and keep the end goal in mind.
    I was fortunate enough to be able to conceive both my children through the help of medication and IUIs. Though it took about 3 years, 1 miscarraige, and many needles to have our daughter, she is amazing and worth every second of it. (As a side note, we were extremely fortunate in that it took only one cycle of treatment to have our son! I couldn’t believe it, after all we’d been through for the firstborn!)
    2. You are not alone. When we were going through it, I didn’t know a single other person who had been through fertility treatments/issues. But I found an online community that made such a difference. It can be so isolating and lonely to go through. But you are not alone and only isolated if you isolate yourself.
    For those of us with partners going through this with us, we really aren’t alone. We need to remember that they are affected by it too, and we need to support each other the most.
    Finally, I wanted to share a saying I picked up from someone in the online community I found. It was one I wrote out on a post it and kept on my computer monitor at home. It was often my mantra, especially when around friends and family who wanted to support and help but had no idea how:
    Infertility: Looking in from outside, you can’t understand it. Looking out from inside, you can’t explain it.
    Those of us who have been through it, you don’t have to explain. We understand. Those who haven’t been through it but care about you, they won’t really truly get it, but they still care. And everyone can understand that it absolutely sucks.
    Many hugs to all who are going through it.

  3. Oh, anonymous, I am sorry.For me, things got better when a fair number of people (not everyone I met, but people I thought would be sympathetic even if they didn’t quite get it) knew what I was going through, because it stopped a lot of comments and because it gave me practice — fake it ’til you make it — treating my SIF as a medical condition and not a judgment.
    Things were different for me, because I had secondary infertility, so I was hearing a lot of “You should have another.” And sometimes I said, “That would be nice,” but sometimes I said, “If it were up to me, believe me, I’d be having babies instead if miscarriages.”
    And maybe it made them feel all awkward about a perfectly innocent (except not!) comment, but mostly it let them know I was going through something hard, and they’d check in with me without pushing for details.
    Also I was crying in my office a fair bit, and I suspect some of them knew, and some of them were wondering.

  4. I tried for four years before we had our daughter. The worst part was the comments,”When are you going to start your family?” etc.
    We didn’t want to go any further than medication on our infertility journey, but got frustrated looking at adoption because we couldn’t afford many options.
    I finally got pregnant using glucophage to regulate my hormones, but it was a very hard pregnancy, I got preeclampsia, and my daughter came eight weeks early. I was, and am, eternally grateful she’s here.
    About 14 months later, I got a big surprise — I was pregnant on my own, with my son. That pregnancy was a dream. It made me think that maybe all of that time I was trying to get pregnant, then during the first pregnancy, I was too stressed, worried, etc. I just had to let it go.
    It wasn’t until I just gave up, essentially, and was grateful for what I have, that things came together for me. I wish I would have spent less time worrying about my infertility, and more time enjoying the wonderful things I did have, even then. If someone would have told me to do that then, I would have just thought they were crazy, but looking back, I think it would have helped.

  5. I hope I’m not sounding like I’m invalidating Emily’s experience, but I hope Anonymous Poster doesn’t think that she just needs to relax and she’ll get pregnant. One of the most isolating parts of my SIF was my belief, based on things she had said previously, that if my mother knew I was miscarrying, I’d have to hear that it was just as well because there must have been something wrong with it, and that she would have pulled out the “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.”‘Cause yeah, I told lots of people, but my mom was one of the last ones, and only because it was logistically necessary as part of my tx.

  6. I have MTHFR. I had one miscarriage, then got pregnant, and THEN found out about the MTHFR. Please know that you can find a doctor who knows what this is, and how to help you. Anon, please feel free to email me if you want to know more specific details about what we did. I’ll send my contact info to Ms. Moxie!

  7. I think one of the worst things about infertility is that it feels like your ENTIRE life. You think about it all the time. At work. At home. In bed. Sex can become a chore. You wake up and take your temperature immediately. You pee on various sticks all month. You see doctors you never heard of before. And other people just do not get that. They wonder why you can’t just let that go, “relax.” But it can be all-consuming, and there’s no guarantee (we love guarantees!) that all the consumingness and pain will actually get you a child.After ten (!) years of it, we adopted a beautiful girl from China, and then decided to adopt another, which was when I discovered I was pregnant. It wasn’t because I was “relaxed” (adoption is not relaxing, and neither is having a toddler). It was a fluke. Flukes sometimes happen and sometimes they don’t. Again, no guarantees.
    The only thing that got us through ten years of infertility treatment (well, the counseling helped too) was that my husband and I thought of each other as a family. We didn’t think our family would start when the baby got here. That was important.
    Anonymous — and everyone else experiencing this — I wish you so much joy.

  8. I am not familiar with MTHFR, but did struggle with unexplained infertility. I just wanted to echo what was said above about attempting to remain positive. It won’t help you achieve pregnancy any faster/easier/at all, but it certainly will help you to maintain your other relationships, and that is important too.I also found that the more open I was about our infertility (when I let go of it being a secret), people were very sensitive and supportive.
    I am sorry for your struggle and hopeful for your outcome.

  9. First of all, let me just counter the assertion that infertility can be cured by positive thinking or accepting your lot or whatever. Six years and two kids after infertility let go of my life, those kind of comments still rankle me. Infertility occurs FAR south of the brain, folks –in the ovaries, in my case. I find exhortations to put on a happy face to be blaming the victim and making people feel like it’s their fault, that if they would just be positive about this REALLY CRAPPY THING that is happening to them, it wouldn’t happen anymore. Know what? It’s crappy. And it is absolutely okay to feel bad about it and wonder “why you.” Then you put on your big girl panties and deal.What helped me in those sucky moments was the realization that if I was willing to subject myself to so much (and I didn’t have it HALF as bad as most people) I must really, really want to be a mother. I tend to be a wuss and give up on many things when they don’t come easy, but MAN I dug in my heels about family building.
    Some other things you might find helpful: if you are a sarcastic type like me, go to alittlepregnant.com and go into Julie’s archives. She, and another blogger who is no longer around, pretty much reintroduced me to my real self that had been buried under years of infertility boards and their hearts-smiles-positive thoughts atmosphere. It allowed me to say, again, “Wow this SUCKS. Yes, there is humor in it, sometimes very dark humor but humor nonetheless, but you don’t need to be all pink and fluffy all the time to somehow “deserve” a baby.”
    The authors of most of the infertility blogs I read when I was “trying” are all now moms, which may or may not be a little beam of encouragement to you. However, Stirrup Queens (google it and you’ll find it) keeps a simply ginormous list of blogs that may help you find support and fellow travelers. I know some people have the “motherfucker” (yes I said it) mutation out there in infertility blogworld, so that might help you.
    Another thing that helped us was RESOLVE, the national infertility organization. We went to a few meetings, and just to sit in a room with people who Got It was so healing. I didn’t love everybody and it was pretty IVF-centric (we didn’t do IVF), but it became sort of our “safe place” when we REALLY needed one. You can connect with a local group through their website, and the site itself has some helpful “scripts” for those annoying conversations.
    There are a lot of us out there like you, anonymous. Even when you see that harried-looking mother schlepping two kids through the supermarket, that woman could have been just like you a few years ago and would give you a hug and some cookies if she knew. We should have a tatto or hand signals or something.

  10. I’m not familiar with MTHFR, so please ignore my comment if it doesn’t apply, but I found Toni Weschler’s “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” really enriching. Just knowing exactly what your body is doing is very empowering and can lead to fertility success in some cases. At any rate, I’m sending all my comforting and lucky vibes to anonymous.

  11. Oh how exciting! You know which mountain to climb and it even has some marked trails! I’m one of the people back behind you still trying to figure out which trail I’m on, how long it goes, and if it even goes over the mountains or just up aways and then back into the “no kids” valley. The signposts for me all have multiple options of on them with no clear diagnosis (or maybe it is, but I don’t really like the look of the “anovulatory due to PCOS, thyroid issues, and being overweight (which is caused by previous issues)” trail).I wish you success. I know that since you’ve already found Moxie, you are well on your way to staying grounded on your journey.

  12. I have no personal experience with infertility, other than many friends who have struggled with it. But I wish you the best of luck and I’m sending positive vibes for you 🙂

  13. Just wanted to chime in as someone who has MTHFR and has gone through multiple miscarriages and FINALLY had a baby!!! Blood thinners, progesterone, and folic acid in a great magnitude were my savior. I hope you’re able to find a doctor to work with you on getting the right meds, because you can have a baby with MTHFR!! (((HUGS))) and support!! It’s so trying and can really get you down. Will be cheering for you!

  14. I’ve had 3 miscarriages in the last year or so (after one successful pregnancy 3 years ago), and after the last one, I went to an RE for an exhaustive battery of tests (including MTHFR). They can’t find a single thing wrong with me, so it’s back to the old fashioned way of try-and-see.I hope this makes you feel at least a tiny bit better – I would have *loved* to get a diagnosis of MTHFR (that or hypothyroidism). Something concrete to point to and say, fix this! And the treatments, from what I gather, can be as easy as taking baby aspirin, with large amounts of success.
    I also know how hard it is to keep getting your hopes up to have them dashed, and I know that this diagnosis is not a magic bullet to a full term pregnancy, and it’s tiring and can be depressing. So keep your chin up, don’t forget to enjoy the rest of the good things in your life, and wishing you all the best luck in the world!

  15. I’ll just echo what everyone else said about finding others who get it–whether in real life, or via blogs or message boards (IF blogging saved my sanity, no joke). It can be so isolating to go through infertility, especially when everyone you know is getting pregnant and having babies while you can’t (and no, it’s not just your imagination, they really are!).I’ve dealt with infertility for a long long time (first trying to get pregnant with my first child, now trying to have a second). And while it’s something that never goes away completely, I can say this: Eventually, you will make it to the top of that mountain. Whether you get a take-home baby (through whatever means) or you decide to be content living child-free, you won’t be scaling those cliffs forever.
    And if you’re naturally a “think positive” type, then great, keep focusing on that. But if you’re naturally a snarling morose type like me, don’t feel like you have to force yourself into positivity–it won’t necessarily help if that’s not how you’re personally inclined to deal with your troubles.

  16. @Lindz, your trail (PCOS etc) was exactly mine. All of those things. It wasn’t fun. I’m so sorry. What AmyinMotown said is really important. The fact that I have two kids now doesn’t erase all that.

  17. I have some friends grappling with infertility right now, and I honestly don’t know what to say to make them feel supported. I’m pretty sure I know what **not** to say, but I don’t necessarily know what to say. So I avoid the topic, but I know it is on their hearts & minds constantly and I want to bring it up. Any ideas?

  18. Dear Anonymous,What I’ve learned from my three-year infertility journey (three failed IUIs, misdiagnosis as a repeat miscarrier due to genetic anomaly, IVF identical twins [now 2 years old] and an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy conceived while using contraception) and from supporting several infertile friends along the way:
    1) Infertility does not define you, but it will change you forever, even if you wind up naturally conceiving as many children as you want.
    2) Infertility gave me some gifts as precious as gold: a heart full of compassion, an understanding of how to grieve, what sorrow feels like, what joy really feels like, how to live mostly in the moment, how to cherish and support my own body, how to set boundaries and tend to my own emotional well-being, and on and on. You will look back on this season some day and be able to gather in the gold, no matter what your outcome is, and even if you still carry sorrow (I do).
    3) Mountain-climbing is a good metaphor. You may have to fight and to struggle, and you will need support along the way. You may need to rest and take some breaks. You will most certainly need to BREATHE. Your most important job right now is taking care of yourself: body, mind and spirit.
    4) A few things that helped me: making sure I belly-laughed every day (this often led to gut-wrenching sobbing, but that was often the deeper need, and it was usually friends who could both make me laugh that hard and hold me while I cried that hard), crying out in anger/sorrow directly to God, cataloguing my sadness “triggers” like attending a baby shower or having lunch with a pregnant friend and making sure I only scheduled one of those per week to make room for unexpected triggers (yet another friend announces a pregnancy, a sappy mommy song comes on the radio and I sob all the way home, etc.). Finally, I had a little celebration for myself every month on the day I got my period, usually wine or chocolate or ice cream with a movie. I was just celebrating ME.
    I am holding hope and longing for you. You are not alone. May you have peace and grace for your journey.

  19. one thing that someone told me when i was struggling to get pregnant with our first was: whenever you do become a parent — whenever that may be and how ever that may happen — you will feel then like that is the child you were meant to have. i’m not sure if that makes sense, but at the time I found it very comforting.

  20. I am so sorry, Anon, you’re facing this. I know that fatigue. Protect yourself, and know that there are millions out there who are staring or have stared down that same mountain in despair.

  21. Anon, I’m another with MTHFR (A and C mutations), plus PAI-1. I had a beautiful daughter (after two years of trying) before I got my diagnosis. But because of some other fairly serious health complications they discovered after my daughter was born, in addition to the MTHFR and PAI-1, I didn’t know if I would be able to have a second child.I don’t know what part the MTHFR is playing in your infertility (whether they think it is a primary or secondary cause), but I just want to second or third the fact that there are things that make pregnancy with MTHFR possible.
    I’m currently 29 weeks with my second child. Blood thinner injections, a baby aspirin and mega doses of B vitamins are daily realities for me (and I’ll have to continue the B vitamins and baby aspirin daily for the rest of my life), but I’m so thankful for the doctors who helped me figure all this out.
    I wish you much luck in your journey to motherhood.

  22. @hush – I never know what to say either. I feel guilt sometimes because I didn’t have problems conceiving and have never miscarried, while my bff, who thank goodness is now 25 weeks along, has struggled for years. I had two kids during that time. It is hard to know how to be supportive because I don’t truly know what it’s like.But I’ve read the comments and the words from those who have been there are really touching and meaningful, so I hope Anonymous finds that supportive and it gives her some hope and peace. Good luck Annonymous.

  23. I also wanted to add that I have never gotten over the miscarriage, and I don’t think I ever will. It’s a loss I live with, as is the loss of easily conceiving on our own. You may never get over, and that’s okay. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you should.@hush – For me (and everyone is different), I really appreciated it when my friends just asked me if I wanted to talk about and let me talk. All you really have to do is be as understanding and empathetic as you can. Tell your friends that you realize that you won’t ever fully understand what they are going through, but that you know it must be tough and you want to hear whatever they are able to talk about. NEVER tell them things like, “Maybe if you just didn’t stress about it,” “I’m sure it’ll happen for you,” or things like that. Let them know that if they don’t want you to talk about your kids or go somewhere where there will be kids (including yours), you understand and are okay with it. That’s all I can think of for now. HTH.

  24. I have MTHFR and had a healthy baby. I even had the rarer kind. I just took a high dose of folate and baby aspirin in my first months of pregnancy.I also struggled with infertility, of the multiple loss kind (four losses). And, through perserverance, IVF, and a medication switch, ended up with three beautiful babies. So, anything is possible!

  25. This may sound a little odd, but congratulations on taking another step forward on your journey; wishing you strength and hope as you continue on this path and up the next mountain.@msai – I think that was beautifully put.

  26. I have MTHFR and PAI-1 just like an earlier commenter, which I discovered, in a horrible/dangerous way, right after the birth of my daughter. It is possible, though. Lovenox and high-risk for any subsequent babies, but there are doctors who know how to treat it.

  27. @hush and Melba: It’s impossible to try to tell people how to behave, but there are so many things that could have helped me when I was dealing with infertility, miscarriages, and a stillbirth. (Anon, after ALL that, I now have a 2.5 year old girl and a son arriving any day, so please keep your hope alive). I would have loved to have some friends tell me that they feel lucky to have had an easy time getting pregnant, keeping the baby, hell, even delivering! I get tired of the “Well, I DID have this problem and that problem,” because it’s not a competition, and all suffering is relative. Also, I guess what I needed more than anything was permission to be grief-stricken and basically depressed. For so many years I felt like such a downer and that some of my friends didn’t/couldn’t understand why I was so consumed and disappointed all the time. I know now that it is a normal reaction to all the loss and disappointment, but I felt so much like that SNL character, always delivering bad news. Finally, and most importantly, I wished people hadn’t ignored the bad news. After the stillbirth some of our closest friends never even called us–probably because they were all new parents and didn’t want to upset us. I ALWAYS wanted people to reach out–it helped so much.Best of luck, anon. What I thought could never happen for our family has happened, and I can be one pessimistic chick, so there’s hope for others.

  28. The two things that helped most — an ear and a hand. Because mine was SIF, it was very nice to have someone volunteer to do something that would simplify the logisitics (walk the dog when my RE appointment ran over, stay with the kid when he was sick and I had an appointment, stop by the house to make sure I’d put the drugs back in the fridge). I never needed much help, luckily, but when everything seems to suck, even minor problems can be the straw that broke . . .

  29. nothing from me but good vibes…i guess some days you’ll rage against the machine & some days feel like a deep blue well of peace. most folks have something in their lives that has taken everything they had to give & more – sometimes it’s nice for everyone to share, and sometimes you wish they’d shut the fuck up. so i’ll stfu! but we’re thinking about you, anon, and everyone else working on this…

  30. When I was struggling to get pregnant I focused on the Plan. It took a lot of trial and error to figure out why I couldn’t get pregnant, but each month there was a plan and once we found the problem (blocked tubes) we formed The Plan. It helped to look ahead and not dwell too much on the past.I think the Infertility community is incredibly giving. It’s a great support system and it’s something that unless you’ve been through it, can be hard to understand. Being surrounded by people cheering you on, but also understanding what you’re going through is immensely helpful.
    Good luck!

  31. @hush, just to echo the sentiment that sometimes this takes a LONG time (ten years+ for me!) and I was terrified my friends would just get exhausted of hearing about it. Frankly my husband and I were exhausted of it, and it was our life. ASK. Say “whenever you want to talk about it, I’m here.” Say, “I know I haven’t been through this, but I want to know how you feel.” That’s so valuable.

  32. We didn’t have it nearly as difficult as most people I know. I knew I had PCOS, and we spent 3.5 years of trying on our own with no luck, and then finally we decided to go see an RE and get all checked out. It’s a good thing we waited until we were really ready to do it, because the first medication/procedure actually worked. (!) Baby Girl is 7 months old now.I’m not really open about this – will discuss with friends who have “been there” but haven’t blogged about it. Nearly *everyone* I know has needed “help” to get pregnant, and many have been down a tougher road than we did.
    I liked the RESOLVE forums because they seemed less stupid than the ones on parenting sites like BabyCenter. I cringed every time I saw the words “baby dust” and all of the other ridiculous euphemisms. Also if you’re on BabyCenter, you’re surrounded by people with babies, or pregnant folks, which is hard to take.
    Anon, give yourself permission to be mad/angry/sad when another friend announces she’s pregnant. it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
    Another thing that helped me was to have a plan and discuss it with my husband – we had a “stopping point” with respect to how far we’d go down the treatment path, and then what other options we’d explore. Fortunately we didn’t need to use it, but I really liked having a plan, and knowing at what point I would be “done”. I’m a planner like that.
    It’s also ok if you don’t want to reach out to others. Sometimes I felt like reading forums and talking to people was getting me too obsessed about it. Then I just focused on the rest of my life, and did things I liked to do. (Which was good, because now, I’m not getting to do *any* of those things anymore. Sigh.)
    Oh, and another really awesome piece of advice, which I think I got here – if/when you’ve got the long-awaited child in your arms, it’s ok not to love every minute of it. There are definite sucky times, and just because you went through a bunch of crap to get there doesn’t mean you need to be all puppies and rainbows all the time. Give yourself permission/release yourself from the guilt to say things suck then too 🙂
    Good luck to you.

  33. Not getting pregnant how and when you want sucks rocks. That it is relentless, literally a monthly cycle of hope and despair, is soul-crushing. That our brains and souls are so sewn into our uteruses (uteri?) helps not at all – fluke, coincidence? I know not, but that women (like me) conceive so often when they have given up one way or another speaks to some mystery I can not understand.That said, to have a plan of attack is a mercy, and I do hope that you can find rest in that before you begin the journey ahead. May you find voices that encourage you through the worst parts and celebrate with you in the best parts, because of course there are bests and worsts in all things, even this.
    One day you’ll tell this story and it will be part of a larger story you don’t yet know and it will make so much more sense. I’m quite sure of that part.

  34. Anonymous,If you happen to live near Boston, check out the Domar Center at Boston IVF (in Waltham). [You don’t have to be a patient at Boston IVF in order to work with the Domar center.] I participated in their Mind-Body program which helped me tremendously through our fertility challenges and miscarriage. In fact, I’m off tomorrow to a reunion lunch with the women I met in that group – we became fast and lasting friends. Our meetings were a safe place to get support and advice from peers who really understood the pain of yet another invitation to a baby shower.
    http://www.domarcenter.com/
    Ali Domar has written several excellent books, including: Conquering Infertility: Dr. Alice Domar’s Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility
    Take good care!

  35. I was diagnosed with being ‘difficult to conceive’. Translation: without medical intervention, it would never happen. We had to really contemplate how much we wanted to have our own children… and in the end decided not to go down the IVF route. Years later, we parted ways and I started seeing someone amazing, who already had two boys and I loved watching him being a dad to this two boys. Within a year, and we were not trying nor expecting to get pregnant and we got pregnant! It was a miracle, and now our little boy is the best thing in our world. When the time was right, it happened for me and I’m loving it!

  36. Reading amtinmotown’s comment waaaay up there made ME feel better and I stopped my infertility journey ( through adoption) in 2008! So DITTO to every single thing Amy said! We ended up adopting, which was not my plan at all, but oh how glad I am that it turned out that way. At some point I had to decide if my goal was to get pregnant or if it was to “have” a baby. It all feels the same once the baby, your baby , is in your arms. I had SIF so I have done it both ways.

  37. @ hush. I think there is great power in saying “that totally sucks”. I’ll never forget when the girl who cuts my hair found out about my SIF and she looked me straight in the eye and said “that really sucks”. I felt validated and it did more for me than any of my well meaning friends’ platitudes or ‘you can do it. Be positive’ attitudes.

  38. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Infertility really stinks. I’ve been dealing with it, in one form or another, for about 7 years–primary infertility before my son’s birth, then recurrent miscarriage since then.I would echo others’ suggestions of finding some sort of support network. Both my local RESOLVE group and online friends helped me so very much. Also, make sure you have a doctor–or team of doctors–you trust. There are some fantastic fertility doctors out there, but there are also some hacks, and you don’t want to be working with someone who doesn’t really know what s/he is doing.
    To get through those first few years, it really helped me to have a Plan and to know that I was committed, one way or another, to being a mother. IVF was the step that brought me my son, but if that had not worked, we were ready to move on to adoption. Knowing that it was a question of When, and not If, really helped me face the harder days.
    I hope this is helpful (rather than smug), but from the perspective of someone who is at least sort of on the other side, I can categorically say that it was everything that got me to my son was worth it: the shots, the money, the tears, the heartbreak. I wouldn’t wish the experience on anybody, but the joys of raising my son far, far outweigh the pain of the steps I took to get to him.
    Best of luck to you–I so hope the rest of your voyage is quick and uneventful.

  39. @hush and Melba–honestly, just ASKING how we were, versus giving advice or telling us how to feel, was wonderful. I’ll never forget how much certain people just asking how things were going meant to me. Especially since when were were really in the thick of it, it was the Year of the Baby among our family and friends. Seriously, EVERYONE but us who wanted one had a baby. Someone turning to me in the midst of the baby talk and quietly asking how our treatment was going was really touching — even more so when that person was holding a baby themselves. I felt less like I was on the outside looking in.I’d also say that unless you are a reproductive endocrinologist with familiarity with that person’s particular case, don’t give advice. Connect them with resources you may be familiar with, but don’t advise them.
    And this is just my own thing, but I hated “so and so did this thing and she was pregnant the NEXT WEEK!!” even if that person had the same exact issue as me. There was no guarantee that that would work for me and while that was great for THAT person, it wasn’t especially helping me right then.
    hush, I know from your comments here that you’re awesome, so I think you’ll be fine. Melba, just by asking I think you’re pretty awesome as well, so same to you.

  40. Oh honey, my kids are 11 years apart, and people assume the second one was an accident- nope, it just took that long to get him here.What got me through was picturing his face.I knew there was a baby out there for me, because I could see him. Hang in there, and hold onto each other.

  41. Infertility is so hard and the friendly ministrations from well-meaning friends – ‘just relax!’ ‘hey, my friend started taking vitamins/standing on her head/cutting out sugar/chanting a mantra and now she’s pregnant!’ ‘don’t worry, you can just adopt!’ – do not help.What helped me was to just *stop* – stop blaming myself, stop running from natural pracitioner to natural practitioner spending copious amounts of money, stop doing stuff that caused me to feel sad (attending baby showers for people I wasn’t super close to, making baby gifts, going to kids’ parties), stop trying to relax, think positively, etc…. I decided to just do nothing extra about having a baby, outside of our medical treatment and the obvious.
    My husband and I spent a lot more time with our friends that didn’t have kids, too, and that was fun – dinners out, parties, spontaneous gatherings, weekends away(not to say you can’t do those things with kids but the logistics are more complicated).
    Sending you support, Anonymous, and I wish you every good thing.

  42. I was thinking about the baby showers while going through infertility…My sister in law was pregnant with twins, and I “helped” throw the shower for her. It was during that time period after my miscarriage but before we re-started treatments. All of my family knew what was going on at that point.
    The best thing I did to get through that baby shower was help clean up the food and spend the majority of my time in the kitchen, especially when they were opening presents. It was a great way to be there and helping without having to participate and be inundated with baby stuff and/or questions about when I was going to have a baby.
    @Cabber – Your hair stylist rocks.

  43. I’ve been there, too, and infertility completely sucks (ditto previous assertions). I second the recommendation to check out Stirrup Queens because it’s invaluable to find other women you can endlessly b**ch to about how you feel who will know what you are going through. Infertility is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through (knock on wood) and yet, now that I’m an adoptive mother I look back on my darkest times of IF and they only feel like a dull ache instead of a sharp pain. So, like others have said, there is another side of this experience and you will get there. I remember thinking that pregnancy is a myth and babies are illusions…it felt so distant and impossible. But it’s not true…babies are real! Keep slogging through the pain. Hugs.

  44. Oh you lovely women have put this horrible journey into such beautiful heart felt words of wisdom!I don’t have much to add but this, one thought that helped me as I miscarried and *didn’t* get pregnant on our 3 year journey to our boy was that maybe it wasn’t all about me and what I could control. Maybe the child we are meant to have has a time line different from mine, maybe the body just wasn’t right for our childs path this life time…. maybe. I agree with @msai and when my little one came into this world and was put on my belly all I thought was that’s my baby, no one told me the sex for several minutes and it just didn’t matter.
    Be miserable when you need to, be kind to yourself, treat yourself often! I also agree that have a diagnosis can be easier and give you something to focus on fixing, the unexplained infertility IMHO is much worse like a dark void that sucks all your life out.
    @hush, I was very open about our process and so needed support but most of my friends never asked me about it all and it was very isolating. So gently ask, offer support and just listen its really all i wanted and still hurts that I had to go through 3 years with out the kind of support i needed…..

  45. Anon-I am reading through so many of these comments and wished I tucked them away in our journey through IF. I found AmandaToo’s especially comforting.
    1. IF can impact your marriage in more ways that you recognize. If it helps to work with a therapist, do. Husbands often feel helpless or if part of the issue at fault. Talking helps. Your marriage came before your desire for kids, protect it however you can.
    2. Surround yourself with friends who love you but also don’t want to feel like you are fragile. Every converstaion shouldn’t involve your IF. By the same token friends who can’t recognize that some things are painful can just as easily accept a nice card and gift without your attendance at their shower.
    3. IF is a process, often arduous, isolating, filled with setbacks, and demoralizing to your spirit. Find support with others if considering procedures to know what to expect, consider RESOLVE chapters, work with RE that has your health before their sucess rates first.
    Parenthood can take lots of routes, pick one and persue even if it wasn’t the orignal plan. Sending you hope that a child will be in your future.

  46. I’ve been lucky enough to have two children more or less when I wanted them, but my first pregnancy was an entirely unexpected miscarriage. It was crushing and life changing, and meant that I was expecting both subsequent pregnancies to fail every single day until I was holding each new child in my arms.And that was just one setback. Imagining more is hard.
    Anonymous, I have so much sympathy for how difficult this has been for you, and I’m hoping that this new diagnosis leads to you getting to hold your baby in your own arms very soon.

  47. I’ve taken awhile to post as I’m never sure what to say… and this is coming from someone who went through infertility for 10 years, with the last 5 being really intensive (rounds and rounds of IVF, stints in the hospital because I got hyperstimulation so bad, etc.).Talking to people that had gone through it and succeeded never helped me. Talking to people that were going through it was a little too raw for me. We kept it from pretty much everyone until my first hospital stay, at that point it was too hard not to tell my mom, dad, and a couple key friends. It wasn’t necessarily liberating to me – I just felt more pressure to let everyone know when each round didn’t work (and when that was the case every month I didn’t want to talk to anyone). The only relief in others knowing was at least they’d understand why I was soo negative, moody, tied to home, etc. They also finally stopped asking when we were going to have kids.
    The bad part about others knowing was the questions… I’m sure they were trying to be supportive and so wanted the answer to be positive but until it finally was it wasn’t. I dreaded anyone knowing we were going through another round of IVF because then there would be the looks, the questions of did it work? I felt even more pressure. And the one time it was finally positive, I wasn’t ready to share it yet with anyone but yet it was hard to avoid that since they knew what we were going through (if that makes any sense)
    I think that’s why I’ve had a hard time replying here . I don’t know what I would have wanted anyone to say (or do) for me during that time so I’m not sure what to say to Anon.
    Only advice I will throw out is that infertility (and years of it) can really take their toll on your marriage, your health, your friendships, etc. I highly suggest seeing a therapist (one for just you and another for you and your husband/partner). I saw a therapist for me (which helped some but I didn’t start doing that until the last year or so of the process) but didn’t see one with my husband. I really think our marriage suffered hugely from what we went through and we are just now finally trying to figure out how to get back on track.
    I have beautiful twin boys from what we went through and I am so very thankful for that. I feel for anyone that has to go through what we did in order to get their child(ren).
    Once I got pregnant, I just knew something was going to happen. Luckily, it never did. I can’t even begin to imagine how unbelievable hard a miscarriage would be – you finally are so happy to get pregnant and then it gets taken away from you. So much worse than never having gotten pregnant in the first place. My heart goes out to anyone that has gone through that. And as someone mentioned earlier, then to get pregnant again and just waiting for something bad to happen that time – you could never relax, let yourself getting emotionally attached, etc. So sorry you are going through this. I so hope the fact that you have a diagnosis means you are that much closer to finding a way/solution with the help of your doctors.

  48. From my own experience with miscarriage, I know how heartbreaking that loss is. Although I don’t have experience with not being able to conceive (but was told I didn’t have a fertility problem after 2 losses), or the gene anon was diagnosed with.My BIL and SIL just went through two years of infertility. Their original doctor almost made them wait it out and looking back they wish they had pursued other paths sooner. They tried several procedures, but IVF finally worked for them. Depending on where you live, this may or may not be covered by insurance.
    I hope you can find a doctor that will work with you and be supportive. I hope you have friends and family you can confide in. Most of all I hope that you can find the strength you need on your path.

  49. I have the MTHFR mutation – first baby healthy, fairly normal pregnancy but retained placenta caused months of problems (and 3 d&c’s) and messed up breastfeeding. Second child was stillborn at 35 weeks – found MTHFR mutation as a result of subsequent testing. Third pregnancy was on blood thinners and large dose of folic acid – third baby born crazy healthy. During 3rd pregnancy I had a hard time convincing drs (even perinatologists) that I needed to be on blood thinners. There is a huge amound of disagreement in the OB community on this issue – some docs don’t believe they have any effect, some do.Anon, I hope so much that you find what will help you, and that you have a healthy child soon!

  50. Anon–I had two miscarriages. The first one was hard, the second was devastating. I now have a beautiful 7 month old daughter, but I think of the two I lost every day. And in a way everything I do for Miss M, I do for all three children.
    The grief of infertility and miscarriages is intensely personal, but the greater the depth of feeling, the greater the capacity for change. Remember that as you’re at the bottom of the mountain there is nowhere to go but up. And that when you reach the top, you will be a better, stronger person.

  51. I’m right there with you. Although we have only been trying for a little over a year, I am 41 years old and have a lot of barriers in my way – history of dysplasia, chlamydia, conization, terminated pregnancy and fibroids. I found the love of my life quite late in life but we’re hoping for the best. Chin up young person.

  52. IF does change you forever. In my experience, there has been much good to come out of it (not least of which is my daugther), but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. After years of trying, never receiving a diagnosis, and one IUI, we decided to adopt through a domestic, open-adoption program. The adoption process was amazing for us – empowering and supportive. I hope that you will find the right trail (for you) up that mountain.

  53. I’m over the infertility mountain now. And all is well. I wish you the best on your trip over the moutain. I hope you get to take the ski lift up instead of climbing uphill whlie way while wearing snorkeling fins.

  54. Anon, have you seen this?http://infertilemeanderings.blogspot.com/2005/04/mthfr-factor.html
    You probably have but just in case, thought I’d pass it along.
    I struggled with infertility for six years. It’s awful. Really awful. I really do understand. Many of us do.
    Not sure what I have that prevents me from getting PG on my own but at this point, I don’t care because I am a successful patient of OV induction with IUI. As described in the link I provided above, immediately after the IUI, my dr. also put me on baby aspirin, tons of folic acid, and the B vitamins, though I don’t have the MTHFR gene. The luteal phase is complicated and many factors must come together well to support a pregnancy. Try to be grateful that you live today, where the technology is available to help us. The challenge is often finding the right dr. If you live in San Diego, CA, go see Dr. Lischke at IGO in La Jolla. He’s the best. I love him. Really.
    Let me tell you, in a nutshell about my ordeal. As I said, six years trying. Didn’t start to really think something was wrong until after two years of nothing. About 4 years into it all, got PG on my own; miscarried very early in the pregnancy. Another year passed. Finally got PG on clomid; miscarried again. One more try on clomid and again, pregnant. Made it past the 6th week but woke up one morning in terrible pain; ectopic. We lost the baby, but my tube was saved despite a rupter. A week later go in for the post-op and HCGs hadn’t fallen; they’d risen! Test again. PG!!! Run to ER for ultrasound and sure enough, pregnant but this time ANOTHER ectopic on the OTHER TUBE! So either we had twins or the first tube rupture was referred pain/symptoms. This newly-seen little eggy was just far enough outside of the tube that the dr. thought it might be viable but only a few more days would tell as it was still teeny-tiny in the US. We waited the four torterous days. Go for the confirming US and yep, bad news. And the stupid US tech tried to show me the heartbeat even though she knew we couldn’t keep it. That was awful. I didn’t look away fast enough and just caught a glimpse of the little heartbeat. I still remember it. The eggy was not viable because it was a type of ectopic called a corneal. Dr. said the treatment for a corneal is tubal removal alongside the small affected corner of the uterus but that didn’t seem right to us. Got a second opinion (enter Dr. Lischke) and Dr. L took over my treatment. He confirmed the eggy was not viable but removing parts was too drastic he said so he gave me a DNC while being guided through US so he could see what he was doing, where he was suctioning. That’s my story, in a nutshell. Dr. L saved my “fertility” meaning I still had a chance for other fertility treatments before having to try In Vitro. We decided to take about a year off to get my thyroid in better shape as we suspected that was part of the problem and went back to see Dr. Lischke in Oct 2008. Got pregnant in Nov 2008, the first time we tried OV induction with IUI. And here I am sitting today, with a beautiful 8 month old baby boy. A big boy. 10 lbs, 5 ounces at birth. Never cries, laughs all the time, and eyes that reveal wisdom. Really. They do.
    Anon, my friend, you too can have it. I feel it in my heart. Best of luck to you and remember to keep searching until you find the right doctor. One last thing – I believe the same little soul hangs around you until you can make a good body for it. Hugs to you.

  55. after the loss of our son (35 weeks into pregnancy), a uterine surgery, and then finally the great luck of having a healthy baby last year, I too know what it means to feel left “out of the club” and to struggle along the path. As many of the others have written – what is important is to maintain hope, remember that life is made up of many stories, and to find comfort with people around you and/or support groups. An online forum helped to save my sanity after our great loss several years ago.And this year not only did we have a miracle come into our lives, but our friends just had a beautiful baby with a surrogate, another friend had a baby with IVF, another with frozen eggs, and yet another couple had two beautiful babies come into their lives through adoption…I do not know about your particular case but I sincerely hope one of these many options will bring you all the joy you are looking for.

  56. Many, many thanks to all of you. Yes, I’m THE ‘anonymous’, and reading all your thoughts about this has definitely assured me I am far from alone.I have to say, the MTHFR diagnosis has helped me get to a much better place emotionally. The hardest part of this journey for me was all that time when I didn’t know there was an actual REASON for our failure (and it feels like failure) to conceive. My propensity to blame myself (for this and everything else) got completely out of control, and I was just hating myself all the time – I felt like maybe I didn’t deserve to have my baby, and made myself extremely sad. I’ve since learnt not to do that in other parts of my life. This could be the most valuable lesson I get from this whole experience.
    I actually had an acupuncturist tell me at one point (over a year into it) that the universe would give me my baby when I was ‘ready’ and that maybe I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. Of course I burst into tears. This was around the same time teenagers like Jamie Lynn Spears and Bristol Palin were announcing their unplanned pregnancies. Apparently the universe thought they were ‘ready’? What a joke.
    The best thing about the diagnosis is knowing this is not my fault, and there’s nothing I could have done differently that would have resulted in pregnancy. Okay, so maybe I’ve had a few too many glasses of wine on (quite a few) occasions. Maybe I haven’t exercised enough, or gone to enough yoga classes, or found the perfect acupuncturist (rather than the one I can afford), or taken those disgusting chinese herbs… Every. Single. Day, or even put my legs in the air for a full 20 minutes after sex, or prayed, or asked the universe, or ‘relaxed’… There’s no mystical force at play and I don’t have to do a cartwheel under a herd of hippos on a full moon at midnight… I just need to take baby aspirin and a specific set of vitamins.
    I’m just so relieved that it’s not ALL MY FAULT any more! I’m even happy to wait and see, without going through the first IUI cycle (for now)
    I’m back in touch with the excitement of it all, and hopefully we’ll be announcing some lovely news in the next few months.
    Thank you, women. You’re amazing.

  57. How timely. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week!! Moxie, please please share this with your readers.National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW – April 24-May 1) was created by RESOLVE (the national infertility association) to help raise awareness of infertility – not only in our own IF community, but to spread the word about infertility so that more people might understand our struggles. NIAW serves to promote awareness, to educate, and to teach empathy for people diagnosed with infertility. By sharing our struggles, we can help others – both those who will one day learn that they, too, are infertile, and those who aren’t infertile but with whom we all interact every day.
    My site, dotIVF.com, is helping to celebrate National Infertility Awareness Week by having games, educational threads about infertility, and one or two surprise interviews. In addition, we are offering several giveaways (such as a dozen ProFlowers roses, a set of peesticks, copies of several wonderful books, and more). We are trying to encourage as many people as possible to come to the site, share your stories, and help us raise awareness about infertility. And we’ve only had a few people participate so far, so your chances of getting free goodies are pretty high right now!
    We are encouraging women who are struggling with infertility to join us. Become a member and talk about your IF. If you’re new to infertility, read all about it in our articles section and then ask questions in the forums – there are many women waiting to meet you and help you on your journey! And you can start a blog on dotIVF.com, which can be a wonderful coping mechanism for IF. A blog allows you to vent, to find support, and to communicate with others who are right there with you.
    I know this sounds market-y, but it’s a huge deal. I have dedicated my time to be an advocate for infertility, and I created dotIVF.com to help women who are struggling with IF.
    Thanks for the space here, Moxie – no more marketing from me. You are such a wonderful resource to help moms and someday moms.

  58. THE Anonymous – I’m so glad that you aren’t blaming yourself and that you are excited again. It really is great to have answers and a plan.For those of us who had/have unexplained infertility, I just want to remind us that it’s not our faults either. It was so hard for me (a person who wants to know the “whys” for everything) to deal with unexplained infertility. But having a plan still helped immensely!
    My final suggestion to those struggling with explained or unexplained infertility is to get thee to a specialist (reproductive endocrinologist (RE)) as soon as possible! Even if they can’t tell you why, a good RE will be able to come up with a plan specifically for you (and your insurance).
    Goo luck to everyone!

  59. Anon- I’m so glad I didn’t post without reading to the end of the thread! I’m so happy that yo’ve found some comfort from these brave women.A few things I’d like to add:
    -Like you said- you’re not in control…you can’t fix IF with your mind. No amount of positive “vibes” are going to get your preggars! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
    A diagnosis is so terrible/and wonderful at the same time. After clomid and 4 failed IUI’s my doc told us to just “skip the last IUI nad go for IVF”. I was devistated. Once we got moving with all the IVF protocols I was so happy and relieved to be with a doc that I trusted and loved that I just “let go” of all the details. No more thermometers, no more charts…not even any more sex! (except for fun, of course)Even after multiple attempts/miscarrages I still felt soem sense of comfort in “The Plan”
    One last thought- (lots of people have already said this but it def is worth repeating) be as honest with your co-workers/frineds and familay as possible. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t try to hide the cast…don’t add the pressure of hiding a medical problem to what is already such a high pressure situation. IF doesn’t need to be a secret.
    I felt like there were pregnant bellies everywhere and I was the only one that was suffering. Little did I know that for every belly I saw there were probably 2 broken hearts….they are just a little harder to spot.
    Sorry for the typos…gotta go teach a class, the bell just rang!
    All the support in the world to you!!!!

  60. I think the hardest thing for me emotionally while going through IF was the FEAR. The fear that I would not get to be a mother. The fear that my husband would not get to be a father. I had to face that fear. To accept that this may not happen. To realize that if we really wanted to be parents, there were options. That if we never were parents, we would survive and have meaningful and fulfilling lives.I needed to let go and accept. I needed to accept and let go.
    I am so thankful we had the resources to pursue the treatments that eventually brought us our son.
    My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with IF. It is so hard.

  61. Anon – Whatever happens, do what is best for you. Not for your parents, your friends, society, etc. The world has a way of making people with struggle with infertility feel even worse – if they would just do a, b, or c, it would all work out. Best of luck with your treatments, and with any path you choose.

  62. I’ve never really opened up about this to anyone but my hubby. We’re both carriers of a gene mutation that causes cystic fibrosis.We didn’t find out that we were both carriers until we were well into my first pregnancy, and faced amniocentesis (miraculously, son #1 is free of the disease and isn’t even a carrier!). But it was the most harrowing experience of my young life – waiting those two weeks to hear that my child was healthy.
    My hubby and I are choosing to never go through that again, and I had to grieve somewhere for that lost freedom. Why not here?
    I’ll never be able to have sex in order to make a child. All sex will be purely pleasurable (I know, poor me, but I had to actually grieve for that).
    I will be able to carry my own genetic child, but I will have to (voluntarily) endure injections, probing, pain and discomfort that I wouldn’t have had to endure if I wasn’t a carrier. I had to mourn a bit for that as well.
    So no, my problem isn’t infertility, per se. But I’ll be going to the same infertility doctor as someone with those problems, and I’ll be undergoing (mostly) the same treatments and procedures as someone with those problems. And I’ll be facing the same risks and rewards.
    Thank you for giving me the space to share this.

  63. Oh, Alison. I am so sorry. You certainly can mourn that here. I think your situation is so similar to IF that anyone struggling through IF can somewhat understand your grief too.

  64. Multiple miscarriages, but no IF. But a good friend and I were trying at the same time, and I got pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant, and he stuck… and it hurt for her, so much she could barely breathe around me. After a few more losses on my part, I ended up with twins. Hers has been a long road, and does not have kids at the end of it – but her husband survived his battle with cancer (two forms at once!), and our friendship survived the many years where we could only talk rarely because it was too much raw. And too much different kinds of raw.I hope you have friends (or therapist, etc.) you can talk with, and that even the friends you can’t talk with love you, and make that clear to you.
    I’ll also vote with the ‘relaxing makes no difference to conception rates’ crowd. I think you have 5% odds of conceiving annually if you are IF (on average). That’s the same rate as the % of people who end up with ‘virtual twins’ (adopted one, conceived the other), and so forth. Relaxing may make living your life easier in other ways – use it if it works for you.
    Good luck.

  65. I’m sorry, I don’t have time to read all the comments. I haven’t personally struggled with infertility, but I have close friends who did and close friends who, sadly are.When the first set of friends was in the throes of infertility issues, I found this piece about being a friend to someone suffering from infertility and it was very helpful:
    http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html
    Best wishes to you, Anonymous. My only advice as a non-infertile is that I hope you talk to the people who love you, and that you find someone in that circle who doesn’t say all the wrong things.

  66. Anonymous – it’s not your fault, diagnosis or no. I wish you good luck and few unintentionally hurtful comments.We had three years infertility nonsense, got accidentally pregnant on our own, healthy baby boy. Then lost two pregnancies, had another healthy baby, and lost three more. Then found out I had a blood clotting disorder that probably caused ed all five miscarriages and possibly caused developmental delays for my older son. At least we know, now.
    We’re greedily, perhaps, hoping for no. 3 now that the diagnosis is in hand.
    My mother kept repeating the “if you’d just relax …” thing, too. And when I miscarried, she immediately said it was because I was picking up my kids too much. Both totally false. She wants to ease/explain away our pain, but she’s great at backhanded blame. Or forehanded, for that matter.
    Again, good luck to you.

  67. Oops – meant to say I hope you have to endure as few hurtful comments, unintentional or otherwise, as possible …

  68. anon,way too many (really good) posts here, but hoping that there’ll be something of value in just one more. I’m going to focus on IF issues and treatments, as a lot of good advice on handling emotions and insensitive questions has been covered so well in the posts above.
    I have MTHFR, and 2 children after an intense fertility struggle that included multiple miscarriages and 4 rounds of IVF for my daughter. Then my son came along all on his own. And now back to the clinic for the next one and so far only more losses and more IVF coming. The biggest lessons for me thus far have been in the unpredictability of IF. And hopefully the I actually have acquired the little bit of grace and acceptance that i think it has taught me.
    On to some thoughts for you – with the caveat that your experience will, of course, be yours – and what worked in my case will be different than yours probably — but hopefully some of the principles here will hold true/be helpful.
    First, get to an extremely experienced infertility doc NOW. He or she should test you for everything and anything fertility related. Including other things that are related to blood clotting disorders. I have hetero MTHFR (C, not A), and I also have an elevated PAI1 (plasminogen activator inhibitor 1), like some posters above. Both of these affect clotting and make me much more likely than most to miscarry. I’ve only ever been able to maintain a pregnancy by taking Lovenox (blood thinner, daily injections) the whole pregnancy – from embryo transfer to 6 weeks post partum). I know about these two issues due to extensive blood tests (they took 17(!) vials of blood from me when i had my testing done). There’s factor V liden and other clotting-type disorders that you should be tested for too.
    Second, ensure your spouse is fully tested as well. My husband had issues too, so I might have been treated for years without success if his issues hadn’t been uncovered too. Not just a sperm count either, he needs a full work-up.
    Third – be aggressive about testing! Make sure your doc does all the possible testing now — not little by little as one thing after another fails (get blood tests, hysterosalpynogram, sonohistogram, etc. – these are physical exams to rule out uterine issues and such). Don’t assume you only have one thing going on, there may be something extremely fixable going on physically if only it gets uncovered. And be as aggressive as you’re comfortable being about treatments right away. For example, I was told an aspirin a day should resolve my MTHFR/PAI1 issues, and did that for the first 3 IVF cycles. Well, no, it didn’t, but Lovenox did. I asked for lovenox for ivf #3, but let the doc talk me out of it because i “shoudn’t” have needed it. My gut told me I needed it – and if I’d stuck to my guns I could have gotten it sooner.
    Fourth – get educated! Knowledge is empowering in a circumstance that often leaves you feeling powerless. Learn everything you can about MTHFR, and anything else that your testing reveals. Have educated conversations with your doctor and if that threatens him or her, get a new one. IF treatment is an art as much as a science, there are no absolutes. Any one who tells you there’s only one way to treat your issue should be left in the dust, quickly.
    Finally – be a team with your spouse, which may be easier said than done under IF stress but so important. Talk through health, ethical, and financial issues well before you have to face them. What procedures are you willing to do? And not do? How much money are you willing to invest in having a baby – and how will you source it (savings, loans, family gifts)? What if you get pregnant via fertility procedures with multiples – how would you handle that? What tests are you willing to do pre-pregnancy (i.e. embryo testing) and during pregnancy? It’s so much better to be aligned on the major issues BEFORE you’re feeling desperate and suddenly pitted against each other by a hard, emotional issue.
    Oh, and have a life outside of trying to have a baby. Keep building that strong marriage so that it will help you withstand the stresses of early parenthood — or non-parenthood, whatever you eventually experience and/or choose.
    There’s so much more, and I’d be so happy to do whatever I can to help (the IF community has been great to me, and I’d be only too happy to pay it forward) so please reach out if you need anything (I’m sure Moxie would be kind enough to connect us).
    Take care of yourself, and know that you’re not alone – there’s lots of folks out here to support you…

  69. I haven’t read what others have said but I have 2 mutations of MTHFR and I have a baby!!!! A real baby that I carried to full term! You can do this!!!I had an early m/c at 7 weeks and then a chemical pregnancy and I just knew that something was wrong. I was getting pregnant just not staying pregnant.
    I started taking. Folgard before I became pregnant with my DS and also did Lovenox injections (blood thinner) up until 36 weeks. I have no clotting issues but doc did it as a precaution. I was 38 so I didn’t have time to lose.
    Here is a REALLY helpful site on MTHFR and pregnancy. I contributed when I was pregnant under the name “cloud9climber.”
    http://www.pregnancy-info.net/forums/Pregnancy_Loss_Miscarriage/MTHFR_and_other_clotting_disorders__New_Thread_/
    Good luck to you!

  70. I have the C677T version of MTHFR, homozygous. I have to say that all the published studies say that there’s really no point treating it, it doesn’t have a big effect. Nevertheless, my doc put me on 40micrograms/day of clexane (heparin equivalent) and 75mg baby aspirin, and I carried 2 pregnancies to term. I had 2 miscarriages before that but both were while I was on that treatment so can’t honestly say it made the difference, but can’t say it didn’t, either.Everyone has spoken very well about infertility above so I won’t elaborate further other than to say the infertility blogosphere saved my life during our 5 year hell, so do reach out into that world for support. We all know what it is like.

  71. Dear Anon -You’ve already heard so many amazing stories and such incredibly wise advice here, I don’t know that my comment will add much. If my story supports you, please remember it. If it doesn’t, ignore it. This is good advice for infertility advice and later hopefully for parenting advice. 🙂 I was diagnosed with cancer for the first time when I was 22 years old. In the 15 years between that year and when I had my daughter, I was given chemo and radiation and other treatments numerous times for two different blood borne cancers. It was stated repeatedly by different physicians over the years that I wouldn’t be able to have biological children because I wouldn’t have viable eggs. When I got married, I hadn’t had a period in years. After a year of marriage I visited an infertility specialist who asked me (fully clothed, after merely READING my paperwork) if I was Italian. I was surprised and said no. He then went on to explain that he had an Italian egg donor that I should seriously consider utilizing, as I have dark hair and eyes. I had gone to this visit alone, thinking it would be an initial consult, and I nearly fell off my chair. He recommended some more extensive tests (we’d already done the basics and two rounds of Clomid)just to “be sure”. I was heading into a busy travel season at work so we scheduled my tests for two months later. Two weeks before my first test, my period returned. And returned every 28 days for every month thereafter. I got pregnant 6 months later. My daughter is now 4 years old and in the 99th percentile for height and 95th for weight. (I’m 6 feet tall.) She is constantly called my “Mini Me” which still feels strange, since I had been SO sure that I would never have a child that would resemble me (and I was OK with that). There is still no medical explanation for my daughter’s existence. Blessings to you.

  72. @hedra – while the “just relaxing” advice is grounds for tarring and feathering, there does seem to be truth in the sentiment.Just Relax and You’ll Get Pregnant
    (http://www.dotivf.com/forums/content.php?273-Just-Relax-and-You-ll-Get-Pregnant)
    Stress Can Reduce Chances of Pregnancy with IVF (http://www.dotivf.com/forums/content.php?270-Stress-Can-Reduce-Chances-of-Pregnancy-with-IVF)
    More of the Same (http://www.dotivf.com/forums/showthread.php?217-Stress-less-and-you-re-more-likely-to-get-pregnant.-(Even-more-research-…) )

  73. @Erika – Interesting that there is research supporting that–thanks for sharing it. However if with research connecting “relaxing” with an increased chance in conceiving (for those going through IVF), the problem I had with people telling me something along those lines was that it would make me stress out more (and I was doing fully medicated IUI cycles). IMHO there is a very big difference between women going through treatments who try different coping and relaxation techniques and everyone and their brother who haven’t been through IF telling you to just relax. The first one is beneficial, while the second is more likely to stress out women going through IF and lead them to clam up and not talk to others, even if that would help them relax. Also, it can be really hard to control/change the stressors in your life, so I don’t think it’s fair to most women to just tell them not to stress about it.But for those who are actively working on de-stressing by finding good ways to deal with it? Good for them! That’s what I did when trying to conceive with my son, because I did know it was important to our chances and my mental/physical health.

  74. In the time I was trying (and trying, and trying, and trying…) to have a baby, I came across this poem. You may not be into poetry but it helped me and I continue to carry it around as a reminder of how far I’ve come and how far I still have to go.”Acquainted With the Night”
    I have been one acquainted with the night.
    I have walked out in rain – and back in rain.
    I have outwalked the furthest city light.
    I have looked down the saddest city lane.
    I have passed by the watchman on his beat
    And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.
    I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
    When far away an interrupted cry
    Came over houses from another street,
    But not to call me back or say good-bye;
    And further still at an unearthly height,
    O luminary clock against the sky
    Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
    I have been one acquainted with the night.
    Robert Frost

  75. @HushThank you for your beautiful words. We’re still somewhere on our journey (three years, 6 miscarriages incl. several D&C’s, no determinable cause for our problems). It’s very comforting to read some warm, wise and down to earth postings from people who’ve been there.
    @mms: I’ve just written your ‘mantra’ down!
    @Anonymous
    I don’t have many positive things to tell you (yet…), but just be aware you’re not alone out there (something I sometimes find quite hard to believe as well…) My dearest wishes to you!

  76. I would just like to throw something in here…I haven’t read all 78 comments, but many of them seem to tell a story about infertility struggles that end in a pregnancy or adoption. Please remember those of us for whom neither is an option…at any point. Sometimes, infertility is the end of the road and it’s incredibly hard to acknowledge that.

  77. I struggled with IF for three years and in that time did many kinds of treatments and felt like I hit a brick wall so many times. Like others have stated, once I stopped keeping it a secret it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I also gave myself permission not to feel guilty when I needed to protect myself from situations which hurt me. This, along with feeling my relationship with my husband grow stronger, are two things I will always have from the experience. I used to say to close friends and family, “IF just sucks” and sometimes that really says it all. Hoping you find some comfort in these comments, you are not alone.

  78. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  79. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  80. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  81. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  82. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  83. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  84. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  85. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  86. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  87. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  88. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  89. Anon -I went through infertility for 10+ years before conceiving our beautiful triplets on my third round of IVF + ICSI. Within days of my triplets turning two, I found out that I was expecting (surprise!) baby #4.
    My fourth child was born perfectly healthy and wonderful in every way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had totally conquered the demon of infertility. And crazy enough, despite the fact I had four children in under three years (more than I ever dare dreamed possible!), it felt like there was another baby in my heart, just waiting to be born to me.
    After 2+ years of trying, I gave up since I was nearing 40 and obviously, it didn’t seem like it was meant to be. The very next month, this past April (on the night of my 39th birthday), I discovered I was expecting again. I was on top of the world until last month when it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy.
    It was / is devastating and so many of the feelings of infertility have come rushing back including that feeling that my body is incapable. (Yes, even despite the fact I have four children, I feel defunct.)
    But then, I try to remember: I would not be who I am, the mother and person that I am, if not for the trials that I have gone through (and am going through) to get here. And I truly believe that my blessings are AMPLIFIED because of the experiences and challenges I’ve had on the road to motherhood. I still feel like there is a baby in my heart waiting to be born to me, but I don’t know how that baby will arrive. Perhaps it will make it’s entrance via my womb, or perhaps another woman? Both are possible!
    No one knows what your future holds, but I do know – without a doubt – that if there is a baby in your heart, it WILL come to you in the way intended. And when it does, you’ll be able to look back and clearly see that everything happened as it was meant to happen. Until then, continue to have faith and do not give up.
    (I’m sending you wishes for many blessings, patience, peace and grace!!)

  90. My thoughts are with you anonymous. We struggled with infertility for 7 years. The poking and prodding, basal body temp charts, examining mucus, sex turning into an appointment on the calendar, the unheeded advice from EVERYONE, hormones that turn you into Sunny from Scarface, etc. etc. etc. My advice to you is to try your best to NOT obsess about it and let it control your life. Easier said than done, I know. Lean on your friends and family, they want to help and don’t know how. Let them listen to you and let them know they don’t HAVE to give advice  Our infertility was finally “cured” two years ago when we adopted our daughter from Guatemala. She is now almost 3 years old and I have no doubt that she was 100% meant to be our daughter. We are now starting the process of adopting again. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Good luck anonymous!!

  91. Anon, I’m so sorry. I know the pain of infertility unresolved. I’m not sure I’ve learned anything yet, but I hope that when I do come out the other side (assuming I survive this), I think I will have learned, out of necessity, to put my needs first. I tend to have friends who are takers and they’ve all abandoned me through this. I was very hurt at first but now I feel relieved. The last thing I need right now is takers hanging around. I’ve never felt so isolated and lonely, but I’m learning to nurture myself and lean on God. You have my heartfelt best wishes for a journey that ends sooner than later!

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  93. Każdy kocha Boże Narodzenie i jest owo ponadprogramowy chronos w roku. Wszystka reflektuje napawać się natomiast fetować Boże Narodzenie. Everyman miłuje brzmieć podarunki oraz angażować się. Natomiast jedna temat prawdopodobnie skasować całą serię, o ile masz przeszkoda walutowy. Przeciwność walutowy istnieje zasilanie natomiast amortyzuje ceremonii. Święta to optymalny czas w roku a nie masz adekwatne zasoby finansowe na spodoba. Twoja rodzina, kompany, egzystować prawdopodobnie Ciebie na badania w ciągu nieoczekiwany podarek owo Panu Narodzenie. Z tej przyczyny teraz to do ciebie powinno się podjęcie woli, jednakowoż chcesz stosować spośród celebrze. Nie wolno sobie zezwolić zniszczyć serię, jako że jederman ma zamiar upajać się natomiast świętować. Twoi sąsiedzi, kumy przewidzieliby nasycać się zanim zaś zorganizować scenariusz planowanie celebry świąteczne. Musisz pożyczka przez internet w zamiaru zastosowania w tym zdarzeniu. Pożyczka istnieje umową pośrodku kredytodawcą a kredytobiorcą, kto formułuje talent natomiast wstąpiłby do długu. Okolica umowy kredytowej będzie zwany jako kredytodawcą zaś kredytobiorcą. Wierzyciel postać ewentualnie osoba, kto wytwarza kapitał na kredytobiorcę jako wierzytelności natomiast kredytobiorcą istnieje figura konkretna ewentualnie prawna, którzy biorą pieniądze w środku długi. Umowa pożyczki brzmi dane na sprawa warunków kredytu tudzież oświadczeń, poręki oraz porozumienia spośród kredytobiorcą. Porozumienie wierzytelności urzeczywistnia jurydycznego zobowiązanie kredytobiorcy aż do spłaty sumki wierzytelności, jednoznacznie z potwierdzonymi warunkami pomiędzy kredytodawcą natomiast kredytobiorcą.Umowa pożyczki prawdopodobnie egzystować doustne ewentualnie pisemne. Atoli jest owo właściwie uciążliwego do pokazania oralnej umowy w kazusu sporów. Wobec tego podajże na procedurze prawniczej prestiż pisemnego porozumienia, dlatego że skonkretyzuje intencje stronicy. Nie inaczej, wierzyciel musi mieć pisemną afirmację na zabezpieczenia spłaty tudzież pożyczki gotówkowe , by wykonywać całkowitego niepozostałego zadatek. Poprzednia układ wierzytelności musi orzekać definicję paginy, liczbę wierzytelności, dojrzałość, agenda spłaty, stopy alkoholowej, determinujący opóźnienia itd. kompetencji stopy alkoholowej znamiennej idei, które będą być wyposażonym pełne przekonanie, iż potyczce pożyczkowe dowodów. Z reguły trwanie pożyczkodawcy ponownego elementy blisko braniu woli taksę procentową w charakterze, • pożyczył liczbę, kredytobiorca, obronność • wniesione za pośrednictwem kredytobiorcę, • wielkość kaucji itp. Net Lawman docieka różne gatunki umów kredytowych jak przechowane, niezabezpieczone. Warianty umów kredytowych to: Pewna Umowa pożyczki: gwarancja
    Istnieje owo kompleksowa umowa o kredyt zabezpieczony za sprawą poręczyciela. Zaręcza elastyczność w jakie prawdopodobnie być każdy z kredytodawców, kredytobiorca a poręczyciel jest postać względnie interes, zaś mogą egzystować w Znacznej Brytanii albo wewnątrz przeszkodą. Jeśli postać albo jednostka, jakiemu nie dać trzymać wystarczające aktywa, iżby Cię spełnić wymagania, iż zadłużenie przypadkiem egzystować spłacona, natomiast po pewnym czasie domaganie się poręczyciela, kto ma dostatecznej liczbie, istnieje owo opcja do rozważenia. Niezabezpieczone Układ pożyczki to generalne consensus gwoli niezabezpieczonej pożyczki. Zaręcza gibkość za sprawą jakiegoś ewentualnie obu spośród kredytodawcą zaś kredytobiorcą istnieje figura niecielesna czy też pożyczka prywatna zaś przypadkiem być w Sporej Brytanii albo w ciągu zaporą. Konsens werbalne prawdopodobnie starczyć, ażeby wynająć niesilną ilość osób, jakim ufasz, ale także w celu familii tudzież przyjaciół, formalny scheda warunków spowoduje spór potem. W casusie gdy ryzyko jest bardziej, azaliż układ jest złożona, ważne istnieje owo kompleks w porównywalnym dowodem. Bezpieczna Porozumienie pożyczki: na aparatach niemonetarnych Jest owo układ wierzytelności gdzie zadłużenie istnieje zabezpieczony nim instrumentów nieskarbowych. Tamta układ daje giętkość prawdopodobnie egzystować pożyczkodawcą zaś pożyczkobiorcą jest figura bądź firma, natomiast zdołają znajdować się w Wysokiej Brytanii czy też w środku cezurą. Układ niniejsza zapewnia wykorzystywanie spośród osnowie względnie ciepłych sprzętów niewalutowych w charakterze zapewnienia pożyczki konserwowane. Nierzadko sprawy indywidualne obszernej cenie razem z mężów, małżonek tudzież współpracowników ukończy. Gwoli kredytobiorców nie zaryzykował sadyby jego towarzyszka życia ewentualnie pożyczkodawcy, potrzebuje oczyścić tytuł aż do aktywów albo smykałce, pozytyw zapewnienia w trafie trwania spóźnionych płatności długu przy użyciu kaucja fabule firmie przypuszczalnie znajdować się modna. Układ wierzytelności: To istnieje płatny obserwowany Generalna układ wierzytelności na wymogach związanych ze spłatą pożyczki. Debet może stanowić chroniony przy użyciu byt wybrać.

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