Echo

I'm sorry. This week has beaten me. It started off so well on my work trip, but then a lot of things happened (good and bad) to mess up my sleep schedule and I've felt like I was struggling through some really, really uncooperative mixture of sand and molasses (treacle) since about Wednesday morning.

And then my URL was up for renewal and I couldn't remember my password to get in and do it and I thought it was going to disappear, and that some ill-intentioned illicit pharma manufacturer was going to grab it and you'd click over here and be offered discount vi@gr* instead of parenting talk.

And then, after I took the door handle off my kids' room so they'd stop locking themselves in and me out, they locked themselves in and me out again this morning.

Really, this is just what I'd like the world to know: I am much more than my current situation. I am so much more than just my children's mother. I love them, and would willingly die for them, but they're not all I am.

Today's topic:

1. What do you want the world to know?

2. What book are you reading, or would you be reading if you had time and an extra hand with which to hold a book? (Me: Triathlons For Women by Sally Edwards, which is a pipe dream because I have 40 non-work child-free hours every two weeks, so no time to train.)

101 thoughts on “Echo”

  1. I’m reading Stones Into Schools by Greg Mortenson. Its about building schools for girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan. It is humbling and fascinating. I just finished a long chapter about the 1990’s when the Taliban came into power: Women were confined overnight to their homes, forbidden to leave without a male escort. Anyone caught teaching girls could be executed. Anyone with painted fingernails could have their fingertips chopped off. Women could only be treated by female doctors but since those doctors could no longer leave their homes without a man, it essentially left 1/2 the population without healthcare…I feel like I knew this stuff but its still sobering to be reminded of it in such a candid way. (Mr. Mortenson is a great writer).
    Makes me feel lucky that I can wear whatever I want, go pretty much wherever I want, work or not, paint my nails or not…

  2. I want the world to know how much happier I am that I am no longer married. I love being a single mom, I love having my house to myself with just me and my boys. I love having control of my life and my finances again – I am able to sleep again and not cringe every time I get an email wondering if it is the bank telling me we are overdrawn on our account again. I also want the world to know that while I am sad that my ex does not feel the same way, I feel bad for him and wish him to find happiness….I do not feel one ounce of guilt over leaving the marriage. It was THAT BAD. I feel like I can breathe and see things in technicolor again after 7 long years. I don’t have any hours per week that are kid-free AND work-free….but I don’t care. I am loving my life.Books I’ve read recently: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo….slow to start but really engrossing and I ended up not being able to put it down. In light of my personal life, I’ve been throwing myself into mindless fiction as much as possible – anything by Kristen Hannah has been highly entertaining and distracting. Anything by Vince Flynn, anything by Daniel Silva. Also really enjoyed Half-Broke Horses. Even with two kids, I am happy I can still read as much as I used to. Well, not as much, but still a lot.

  3. 1. I want the world to know that I am conflicted. About almost every decision I make, but I am doing the best I can.2. I just finished “Can You Keep a Secret?” The book is like meringue, sweet and airy without much substance. Definitely in the “chick lit” genre. But a good non-fiction read I did not too long ago was “The Girls Who Went Away” about unwed mothers from pre-Roe v. Wade who were sent to homes for unwed mothers and basically had their children kidnapped from them by their parents and society and a system set up against them (no sex ed, deep shame, etc).

  4. I’m reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. It’s YA, but it is so good. I’m also working on The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff. It’s a little slow to start, but I’m hoping it will pick up. I am dedicating my lunch hour to reading since I don’t get much quiet time at home. That means I can actually finish books in less that a year! I have such a backlog of books I want to read, I wish I had a longer lunch hour.I want the world to know that I am not my husband. I do not make his choices for him. I just pick up the pieces as best I can and carry on.

  5. I want the world to know that I am many things: mother, wife, sister, designer, professional, and that I am all of those things, all of the time. I am not just the context in which you see me. I am turning 40 soon, and I am conflicted about it. I know, I know, age is number, just like weight, but I am fixated on this one. I so clearly remember my dad turning 40; I was 13 and my mom threw him a kick-ass surprise party. Now I’m almost there, and among other things, my parents aren’t here to see it.I also want the world to know that I, too, do the best I can. All the time. Sometimes it’s just not enough & the world has to live with it, just like I have to live when the world disappoints me.
    I am reading “Animal, Vegetable, Mineral” by Barbara Kingsolver. It’s slow going in the beginning, but I think there will be a payoff. It will not, however, stop me from wanting, and buying, citrus in the winter, even though it’s never local or seasonal to me in the Northeast.
    Thanks. I needed that.

  6. I want the world to know how amazingly cool I am, and that I think exciting and wonderful thoughts, and am an exciting and wonderful person!Neglected on my bedside table: The thing itself: reflections on authenticity by Richard Todd. But really, even more than reading, I’d be watching French New Wave films, one after the other after the other.

  7. I just finished “The Reader” by Bernard Schlink (sp?). Great book, a major departure from my usual reading material, which is more magazines and non-fiction.Moxie, I second the notion you can do a sprint tri! I’ve done a couple and really my aim was just to finish not break any speed records. And w/ relatively minimal training I reached that goal.

  8. I’ve discovered a new series that I really like by William Kent Krueger about a 1/4 Ojibwe former sheriff of a small town in Minnesota, so I’m working my way through it. Loving it but I have to read out of order because only some are available on Kindle, which is driving me crazy. I recently finished Can You Keep a Secret, what a fun read. I’ve got some more serious books on my list but haven’t had the mental energy to get there in a while.

  9. I want the world to know that, when I really stop and think about it, my frustrations with inequality, people doing horrible things in the name of “religion”, and all of the -isms make me want to smash something. I want the world to know that I want my children to grow up to know they can do anything, marry anyone, and be treated respectfully – as long as they are nice to others and try their best (at least, that’s what I tell them).I just read The Help which I couldn’t put down and made me both hopeful (of how far we’ve come) and despairing (of how we haven’t made any strides) simultaneously.

  10. @Rudyinparis, you always make me laugh and think and want to live in your town and stalk you with brownies. Sigh. What great women here.I want the world to know that I’m worth getting to know. Maybe slightly awkward at first, but funny and interesting and a good listener and reliable and a faithful keeper of secrets and always up for doing stuff. Hey! Over here!
    I just finished reading The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B. DuBois, which was incredibly relevant for today, much more than I thought it would be. And now I’m reading an old favorite, The Bird in the Tree by Elizabeth Goudge, a marvelous British novel about a family that is broken and begins to heal through love and integrity.

  11. I just finished “The Hour I First Believed” by Wally Lamb. It was an easy read and yet pretty heavy at the same time, dealing with some major issues like Columbine and PTSD.I would like people to know how proud I am that I have finally beaten the Laundry Monster! It’s such a simple thing, but catching up on laundry and getting (most of) it put away seemed like an impossible task. I actually feel like I am getting control of my life and my house again.

  12. I don’t feel any burning announcement for the world today. But I can say that despite the crazy time demands of fulltime work and 2 little ones, thank god I still manage to find small bits of time to read. Without that, I think I’d go insane. Even if it’s just a couple of pages before I fall asleep or on the train to work, it’s a great refuge. I get a jolt of true happiness when I explore the library shelves on my way to do pickup (library is across the street from daycare, so it works out well). And it’s free! OK, mostly free, considering my constant fines for overdue books. It’s a small price for a great pleasure.My current book is A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore. Slightly disturbing portrait of a complicated family; I’m engrossed but feel squeamish about it at the same time.
    Last great read was Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, a graphic novel / memoir. Amazing, really amazing.

  13. I want the world to know that I have another book in me, maybe more than one. I’ve signed one book contract, but as the book will be a compilation of traditional rhymes, it doesn’t feel as if it’s really my creation. I have more to give, and when I finish being a stay at home mum I want to be a writer rather than go back to my office job. There, now I’ve told somebody apart from my husband!I’ve just finished re-reading ‘The Little House in the Big Woods’ and revelling in the simplicity of their hard working life. The world has changed so much in such a short time. Next to read, ‘Seeing Things’, the autobiography of Oliver Postgate who created Bagpuss, The Clangers and Ivor the Engine amongst others.

  14. I have U is for Undertow from the library. I’ve read about a paragraph so far.I don’t have anything to tell the world, but to ask it just to hang on a second. I’m almost caught up.

  15. @Sky – In the last 3 or 4 years, I’ve read or re-read almost all the “Little House” books. “The First Four Years” was the hardest on me as a mother (and an infertile one at that…the MR. and Mrs. Boast thing is just heartbreaking). And I constantly think about their life during “The Long Winter”. The books resonate with me for some reason.

  16. @Sky and @Sarcasticarrie — I re-read those books about every couple of years. I’ve always thought that if I were stranded on a desert island, I’d want those with me, because they practically give blueprints on how to survive. I can’t read The First Four Years, though, for the reasons you state. Too hard.

  17. I want the world to know that whether or not I have another child is MY choice, and what everyone else thinks really. does. not. matter. It seems like everyone has an opinion about this, and I’m tired of hearing them.I just finished reading “The Twentieth Wife” by Indu Sundaresan. It’s a neat historical fiction novel about Mehrunnisa, a woman who achieved a lot and stepped outside the restrictions placed on women in 16th century India.

  18. I’d like the world to know how much I am handling underneath this fairly calm veneer, unemployed husband and money issues and a spirited toddler and the like. Things that everyone deals with but if I sit and think about it all at once it may lead to a nervous break down, so. Proud of my calmness.I just finished The Women, about Frank Lloyd Wright’s wives and mistresses. The jacket made it sound so interesting and funny, but really it was just depressing.

  19. Hey world! I’m an amazing and talented artist. I left my design job to fulfill my dream of being a wife, mother and matriarch a fewbyeaes ago and painting has filled that void. Once I can stand the smells again (pregnancy super nose!) I intend to bang out these paintigs that are josteling my cranium dying to be seen. I just ask that you, oh World, throw me a bone and help me find ways to make time.Hey World! Thank you for the kick ass carpet remnant I scored for Toddler’s big boy room. And for the penny I found leaving Target – which was full of sourpusses.
    Hey World! I’m going to take a nap after I hit post.
    And, World, thanks for the snow. It’ll be fun to sled and hunker down and drink cocoa.
    Currently reading: Best Short Stories of 2009. Edited by Alice Sebold.
    Last night it crossed my mind that I want a good fantasy/fairy tale type book. And, it’ll be on my list to reread Mists of Avalon now that I have children. It’s been a very different read during each phase of my life.
    Love the idea of rereading Little House!!!!

  20. With the post’s title, for a moment, I thought you were maybe going to write something about Joss Whedon’s latest here. Absurd, I know, but I am a nerd.I might, or might not, want the world to know how much of a tv-nerd I am. (And that’s why I don’t have cable. I Would Watch That Much TV.)
    In my most indulgent moments, I would like the world to know I’m a poet. Of course, I would also like to believe I am a good poet, and the years since the MFA have sort of worn that one down a bit. But one day my kids will be old and wanting to ignore me and then I’ll have time to burn again (I can’t believe I was ever bored. Ever. What was I thinking?).
    I do find tiny bits of time to read. I just finished First Contact: Or, It’s Later then You Think, and if you like satire, funny satire, I urge you to go read it. Now. Take my car.

  21. I want the world to know how ridiculous I think it is to have an ear infection at the age of 34. And how painful.I read all the Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood tv show) vampire novels while I was on break between semesters. I don’t have time to read anything not assigned while in school so I kept my Kindle as close as I could those three weeks after Christmas. I also read U is for Undertow and The Girl who Played with Fire. Heaven.

  22. I’d tell the world (or maybe just a small, judgmental part of it) that I LIKE being a work-outside-the-home Mom and the solution to any small quibble I raise about how hard we as a society make life for working parents is NOT to suggest that I just quit my job and stay home.I’m reading Smile When You’re Lying, a book about travel and the travel industry by a man whose name escapes me. It is a book club book, which means that I didn’t pick it, but I am enjoying it, mostly. I’m also reading Bedtiming (by frequent poster on this site, Isabel Granic and her husband whose name I forget), and really finding it useful. Let’s just blame my problem with remembering authors on sleep deprivation, shall we?
    I WANT to be reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, by Rebecca Skloot. It is about the origin of a very common cell strain (HeLa), and I read a blog post about it that makes it sound very thought-provoking and moving. I am anxious to get to read the actual book.

  23. @wm- I read Moberg’s Emigrant series, too! Very good. All you Little House fans- you should check it out. It would be sort of like a prequel, in a way. Especially check it out if you’re of Scandinavian descent.

  24. @mom2boys, I had an ear infection a couple years ago and also had forgotten how painful it is! It made me sympathize more when the kid would wake up crying in the middle of the night!I want the world to know (or at least my company) that I have mad skills and can contribute lots to my job if I just get handed the right kinds of projects — and you don’t move my office to the city. I also want the world to know that I am starting to get comfortable with the idea that maybe an only child is right for our family, although it is hard to close that door completely.
    As for books, I am reading a Jennifer Weiner book right now, “The Guy Not Taken.” Not so into it yet though, even though you can’t get much lighter than Jennifer Weiner books! I think I will also revisit the Little House series. I wanted to be Laura when I was a kid, after all.

  25. I was a big fan of the Little House books when I was a girl. I haven’t thought about them in years. I bet they would read completely different as a parent.

  26. I LOVE this post!About me: Some days I feel like its a battle between me and my life and my life is taking over and I’m losing. If that makes sense. BUT today I’m WINNING people! And nothing has changed except my attitude. Today its ok that my house is a wreck, I’m always running from place to place, and that my oldest watches too much TV while I try to work a baby into the folds of our lives.
    Book: I recently read “The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow”. Its about a 700 pound woman whom people believe has the power to pray for them and make their prayers come true.
    My all time favorite book from this year was “The Help”. The Diane Ream show on NPR is doing a show about it on the 25th. It’s a wonderful book about the lives of women in the south in the mid-60’s. It showed the relationship between black nanny/housekeepers and their white employers. All of the main characters were women and I was fascinated by how well the author captured how women can elevate one another to new levels, or tear each other down in the most striking ways. I also loved that not all of the relationships between the employees and employers were negative. Some of these women spent so much time together that they truly loved one another like family.
    I’ll shut up now:) I just really liked the book.

  27. Hi Jenny! What a nice thing to say. Thank you, dear.These are great.
    Dr. Confused, I bet the world sees something very different than what you see when you look in the mirror, yes? We all have bad days; I hope you feel better soon.

  28. “The Guy Not Taken” – read that one last summer. I found the short story format a little, uhhh, disjointed.And Jennifer Weiner’s “Little Earthquakes”…I’m betting she hangs out at Ask Moxie. The main characters are new moms, and they all have doubts and books and theories about parenting.

  29. I’d like to tell the world that yes, working from home has its perks but it also really hard. I am working full-time and have to put in my 8 hours between normal business hours (roughly). I love not having my hellish commute and seeing more of my kids but there are definite drawbacks (aside from the sizeable paycut I took)And the times like this week when my nanny/sitter has been out for 3 days and I have to juggle just make things harder.
    So I want to err on the side of compassion but I am so stressed out. My sitter found out that she was unexpectedly pregnant when she went in for sinus surgery a week ago. She went in on Monday for dr appt and the baby was measuring a week behind. The next day she started bleeding and the crack ER staff put her on bedrest for a week. Last time I talked to her, she had been bleeding for over 24 hours. I don’t know if she is in denial or can’t afford to get in to see her regular dr (she’s a nursing student)but she is just going to wait for another HCG test. And seems to think that she might be on bedrest for a while.
    On the other hand, I am pretty sure that she is miscarrying. So I don’t want to fire her and find a new sitter. Even though she said she would understand. Because I know she needs the job and my kids love her but there is a limit to how much I can juggle. She offered to find me a backup and so far no word on that.
    ArgggggghhhH!
    Sorry no book to recommend. Haven’t had time to read for pleasure since the baby was born.

  30. I want the world to know that I have maybe two non-work non-childcare hours a week if I am lucky, and that despite a perfectly willing and competent husband I am responsible for all laundry, all cleaning, all shopping, all meal planning, most cooking, all daycare dropoffs and pickups, and all “keeping track of” and that this is NOT OKAY but there is nothing to be done about it at this point and probably not for at least a year or more.And I also want the world to know that while this SUCKS in a huge way it is incredibly small potatoes compared to what an enormous number of people, in this country and in others, face every moment of every day. I am unimaginably blessed.

  31. World? Thank you. I’m pretty darn grateful for everything.@ Irene – I just finished reading “The Twentieth Wife” by Indu Sundaresan last night too! A great book. I’ve got the sequal waiting for me at home right now.

  32. I want the world to know, that I’m a better mother when I’m working. I’ve been at home, part time, work from home, and now full time, and my kids are thriving I think in part because I’m so much happier and more present for them.Book I’m reading is Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann. I love that it’s unapologetically emotional. I love stories about how we’re really all connected because that’s what I believe to be true.

  33. I want the world to know how hard it is just to get out of the house in winter with a tiny infant.I’m reading Wolf Hall, by Hilary Mantel. It’s reminding me how much I have always loved historical fiction — starting, I think, with all of those Laura Ingalls Wilder books that everyone loves.

  34. Hi world, know this: I am too chickenshit to be my authentic self in this wonderfully podunk town I moved to a year and a half ago. So I make nice with EVERYBODY even though there is at least one person here who I seriously, uncharacteristically loathe. I never talk to any locals about real world issues/politics/my secret lack of religion; and I am verrrry circumspect about who I allow into my own private little inner thought circle (like just one local person who gets it)… but funnily enough I am perceived as popular & someone the cool kids invite to parties. WTF? I hate that life is in many ways like high school. I feel accepted but like a total phony because I know this ‘acceptance’ would evaporate in a heartbeat if I started keeping it real. And boy, I have a lot to say. And my ass-kicking, name-taking, Authentic Self would offend, scare, and confuse some good people. So I won’t go there. Because nobody likes a Debbie Downer. The path of least resistance is the one for me. And being unpopular with the locals would ultimately hurt my family’s bottom line. blah blah…Most of all I’m afraid of becoming like my mom in that she has no true friends, no one to gently call her out on her stuff, to laugh with, to fly off to Vegas with, and to bear witness to the milestones of her life. Which is sad. I’m always so jealous whenever I would go to someone’s wedding, and there were all of these fun parties thrown by the bride’s family friends who had known them forever! I want that for my kids. Hence my fakery. At least I’m thankful I have 4 really good “Authentic Self” friends (all of whom live in major cities, far away) – I’m counting my blessings and counting the days until our next vacation out of Podunkland.
    Books. Love them. Have no time to enjoy them, but am loving all of these great suggestions for my Someday List. Oh Jeebus, this reminds me – I belong to a local book club that picks the worst books ever and is plagued by a few loudmouths with really insipid, preachy comments to make about them. I have got to find a way to get out. Or to get the shy, smart quiet types to speak up more.
    What I’m (not really = on page 9) reading: “Prospect Part West” by Amy Sohn. Collecting dust on my nightstand are: “What the Dog Saw” by Malcolm Gladwell, “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” by Stieg Larsson, “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls, and “The Strain” by Guillermo del Toro & Chuck Hogan.
    @Cloud – I’m soooo right there with you about wanting to devour the “Henrietta Lacks” book!
    @mom2boys – I love the Sookie Stackhouse novels & hope Charlaine Harris has another one coming out this Spring or Summer? And delicious “True Blood” Season 3 is supposed to start in June. Can’t wait!

  35. I would like to say to the World: welcome to our beautiful city! We’re in the final Olympic countdown and super excited about it!

  36. Gah! I meant “Prospect PARK West” by Amy Sohn. Nine pages in and already there have been more references to vibrators than I can count!@Rudyinparis & @Jenny (of Spokane) – You are both awesome and cool and unique, and I am damn glad to know you here. If you blogged more, I would totally eat that up!
    @Jac & @blue & @the milliner – You have each made comments at one point or another that made me feel really affirmed. Wish you lived here so I could be my Authentic Self with you in person with my wacky kids.

  37. It isn’t so much what I read but what I saw. There’s a documentary called “Very Young Girls” that was filmed in NYC and the neighboring Burroughs. It featured a woman named Rachel Lloyd and the program she founded called GEMS (Girls Education & Mentoring Services) which provides help for girls who have been exploited by the sex trade. After watching it, I immediately googled Gems and looked for ways to help in some way.But it also made me realize how I want to help in more ways than just sending food into school with my son for the local food pantry, etc. or sending money. Although I believe in doing these things and “every little bit helps” I hoping to find a way to make a larger impact with my time and energy. Very nascent at this point, but as my kids get older and need me less I want to find a way to help. Watching that documentary made me see how one person can make a difference in so many peoples lives. Very inspiring. I hope I don’t come off sounding like a cliche or anything but honestly I guess I want the world to know that I’m looking for a way to help out in a bigger way. I want that to be my true calling.

  38. @bessie- I’m the same way.@skg- I thought that was really touching. I hope you find your true calling! In the meantime, maybe you’ll take comfort from something my aunt told me once: “Its ok to just send money. Someone has to send the money, afterall.”
    @hush- too bad your podunkville isn’t near San Diego! I’m hoping to get my book club to read the Henrietta Lacks book, but if I fail in that, I’ll definitely need someone to discuss it with.

  39. @Cloud – oooh, I’ve just this minute ordered The Immortal life of Henrietta Lacks from the library.I’d like the world to know that being woken up in the middle of the night by a small child giving you a small handful of vomit with a soother stuck in it is simultaneously disgusting, adorable, and hilarious.
    I’m currently reading The Essential Tales of Anton Chekov and Silver on the Tree (Susan Cooper).

  40. I would like the world to know that I need help and soon. Please.I am almost done with “The Ten Year Nap” by Meg Wolitzer. A *huge* disappointment. Supposed to be about several “career” women who quit to be SAHMs and where they are in their lives 10 yrs later. I thought it would speak to me in my situation but it turns out to be barely above chic lit (which I LOVE but I wasn’t expecting it in this particular novel).

  41. I would like the world to know who I am without having to try to figure out how to authentically communicate that with every different person I know or meet. I just want it to be a given, and if I’m not liked by one person or another, that’s ok. Really. Just don’t make me fake it anymore. I’m TIRED.Related, but not quite what you asked Moxie: I would like to not be so willing to change who I am to match every person’s need. Well, I don’t REALLY change who I am, I just act like I do. And nobody’s really MAKING me do it. It’s my fault. And I would like to stop that.
    I’m reading: “Parenting Beyond Belief” and “Infidel” both awesome in totally different ways. I’m LOVING the list of books… just updated my list of books “to read.” THANKS!

  42. I would like the world to know that as much as I love my life in the big city with the big important career, am starting to think that I am becomming much more of a small town traditionalist as I am getting older. While on the one hand I can’t imagine giving it all up including the big city, I fantisize sometime about what it would be like to have the marriage, the kids, and the house complete with dogs. When I do think about it too long I get really worried that I am getting too old will never find someone, which leads to wondering what is wrong with me and why haven’t I found anyone. Didn’t mean to be debbie downer on here, but thanks for giving me a safe space to vent

  43. Moxie, this ‘What I’d like the world to know’ thing is brilliant. BRILLIANT!What I’d like the world to know is that the thing in life most important to me is having integrity. I really need outlets in my work and home life to live and act authentically. If we’re working together on a project and I keep pushing for ways to do it better, it’s not because I think you did a bad job. It’s because I’m hard-wired to work to make it better. I have a vision in my mind and I feel compelled to try to realise it. I don’t expect you to have the same drive that I do. But it would be really nice if you didn’t take my approach personally or try to hinder me from expressing this part of me (assuming I did it in a respectful way to you).
    I also want the world to know that really (really!) I have a better fashion sense and style than my current wardrobe would lead you to believe. 20 months of sleep deprivation, and a small (fantastic) child, and minimal free time have kept me from updating my wardrobe and taking the time to wear more interesting clothes.
    @Hush – Your first comment made me want to reach out to you as it’s an all too familiar scenario for me. Your second comment brought a tear to my eye! So kind. And you can bet that if I lived anywhere near by, we’d be hanging out.
    When I read your first post, my reaction was that maybe you could try looking at it from a different POV. Just because you’re not blurting out every single opinion that you have and ‘fighting the good fight’ for everything you believe in, doesn’t mean that you aren’t being your authentic self. Maybe you have put the happiness of your family first (for now). Maybe you are choosing your battles. I don’t think it’s an all or nothing proposition.
    Keep pushing to find a way to be able to at least sometimes (or for some things) be your authentic self in full force. I know how bad on your sense of self worth it can be when you can’t express your authentic self. I suffered the worst.boss.ever for 3 years at a job/company I love. She was so dysfunctional, and so damaging to my self worth (not to mention for most of the department) that it took 2 years, her leaving the company, the birth of my son and my maternity leave to figure out how much of a negative impact she had on me. And she totally squashed my ability to be my authentic self at work.
    Anyhow, the reason I say all this is that I learned (through therapy) that for the more intense parts of my authentic self that not everyone will get it. And that’s OK. But it is important that some people get it. And that I spend time with them. So I can be my authentic self and fulfill that need.
    You will find the answers of how to make this work.

  44. I want the world to know that sometimes I think I want to be mostly a SAHM and try to subsist on contract work sometimes from home, which is a 100% reversal from my previous life of high heels (and salaries) and power suits and will disappoint some people in the outside world and maybe even myself a little bit but I think I would be more disappointed if I didn’t try this route. And even so I would still be more than only my baby’s mother, even if I was mothering most of the time.I just finished Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving. Excellent escape but a bit heavy (physically) to hold with one hand while nursing.
    @M – I am so desirous of your happy mothering life!
    @Julie – CONGRATULATIONS! Good for you and welcome to the relief of a good divorce.
    @theklamsays – We echo the welcome to Vancouver Whistler – we can’t wait for the party to start either!

  45. Oh yeah! Books.I wish I was reading something by Alessandro Barrico (Baricco? Barico?). His book ‘Ocean Sea’ is one of my favorites. So lyrical. Mostly I’ve been reading parenting-type books. Seems like it’s all I have the attention span for right now.

  46. I want the world to know that I am a bit shy but worth getting to know.I am reading War and Peace. I have been reading that for as long as I can remember. Seriously. What did I read before that?

  47. I want to know why people are just such followers.And I am reading CHICK LIT. Cause I can do it in the bath in the 20 minute spurt I am allowed, as Conor walks up and down the stairs appeasing the 3.5 year old high maintenance twin girls who do NOT have “crazy” tights, but super cute tights. (today was crazy sock day and they took offense.)
    I am more than this too I just haven’t figured out a way, beside you know a night in NYC and vodka, to prove it!

  48. Mox, on kids’ door locks.If it is the type that has a slot on the front of the handle, use a butter knife to turn the slot (like a screwdriver) to pop the lock.
    If it is the kind with a tiny hole in the front, use the internal ink cartridge of a Bic type pen or an ice pick to force the lock to pop on the other side by pushing until it clicks.

  49. I want the world to know that I am a Philosopher and for the first time in months I have had enough room in my head to really think; and that I truly believe philosophy can help us live our lives in a better way.I want the world to know that I think studying public relations is a sell-our, but i’m doing it because it really does look interesting and being employable might not be all that bad…
    I just read “no flying in the house” and i’m half-way through The Immortals series by Tamora Pierce. I’m also dawdling my way through “The Return of Sherlock Holmes” by Sir Doyle

  50. I want the World to know I am so extremely grateful that:1. My 4.5 month old baby is healthy, fat and happy.
    2. I had a 20 week maternity leave (that unfortunately ended today)
    3. My job is allowing me to work part-time with only 2 days in the office.
    4. My hubby is taking on childcare for those 2 days.
    It really couldn’t have worked out any better and for that I am *super* thankful. I get to work, get paid, and stay at home with my baby all at once. My cup overfloweth.
    Sadly, I don’t read much anymore – my time is too fragmented, or I’m just too tired. I’m trying to read The BetterPhoto Guide to Digital Photography so that I can kickass with our fancy new camera. Last thing I ready was Jhumpa Lahiri’s short story book, Unaccustomed Earth. Let’s just say a few of those stories hit uncomfortably close to home and leave it at that.
    @Cloud – thanks for the HeLa book reco. I hadn’t thought of the idea those were named after someone.

  51. What I’d like the world to know is that I’m more than my chatter, which I can’t let go of because I’m too scared of silence and my innate (and carefully guarded) shyness. That I really hate glibness even as I fear that I am perceived as annoyingly glib.I want the world to know that I get it, and yet I’m still socially awkward, because it’s really hard for me to find a comfortable way to be social, and yet I push myself ever on, trying.

  52. I’m reading Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel which deserves so much more than what I can give it ( a 5 minute read every couple of days is blasphemous).I am working a whopping 5 hours a week (!) and am feeling a million bucks. I have a bit of time away from the 3 year old, a bit of time away from the internet ( more importantly) and have enough time left for my running. Oh, have started knitting again too.

  53. World, I only want one kid. I know you have a theory about how many I should have, and how close together, but not having another one right now is the right decision for me.I’m reading Roses by Leila Meacham, which is a family saga centered around a Texas plantation from 1915 to 1985. (Sort of in the same vein as Gone with the Wind.) I LOVE this book so much!
    The Help was my favorite book of 2009.

  54. I recently read Suite Française by Irène Némirovsky. Then, almost without catching my breath, I read her biography. I have never felt such a connection with an author before.I want the world to know that I have something to say, something to WRITE, if I can just get it out. Nothing on the scale of Némirovsky, but something worthwhile anyway, I hope.

  55. I’d like the world to know that I would really like to go into labor RIGHT NOW. Not very profound, but 3 days post EDD and it’s messing with my head.Currently reading “The Help”. Loving it so far.

  56. I want the world to know that I am so much better a Mom than you might think. Yes, I yell (too much, maybe, but it is what it is) but just because you can hear the yelling doesn’t mean there’s no quiet(er) laughing going on even more, and quiet(er) smiles that say “you’re a goof” or “I love you” or “I’m proud of you”. Yelling is louder than hugs, it’s louder than tickles so tickly that they can hardly breath. It’s louder than baked cookies and marker-stained fingers and tea parties. It’s louder than hours and hours of storytime. And I want the world to know that when I’m looking stressed and tense and frazzled, it’s because I do my best to *not* look that way around my boys so they won’t worry about Mommy.Right now I’ve been reading manga because it’s easy and fast and engrossing and there’s such a variety and it’s free (the unlicensed stuff). I’ll be getting Anne of Green Gables in the mail in a few days, so I’ll be reading that.

  57. World: thanks for all the solids you’ve done me the last year. Can I ask for one more? A job. I am SO ready, willing and able.Moxie: thanks for the flurry of posts lately despite the difficult time you’re going through. Your blog is essential reading.
    @theklamsays and @G’smum: I’m in Vancouver too, and also excited!
    I recently read What Should I Do With My Life by Po Bronson, which was inspirational. Just started Hitching Rides with Buddha by Will Ferguson.

  58. reading ‘made in the usa’, the latest billie letts. did y’all read ‘where the heart is’? the movie was ok, but the book had real emotional presence.i want the world to know that i’m interesting & smart even though i live in the teeniest of towns (200 people and no stop light) and don’t have anyone local who would understand most of what i’d want to say, so i don’t say it. and i want the world to know how thankful i am that my son is progressing, even if it’s slowly, and that prematurity can really really suck.
    and i want the world to work on helping me patchwork together a nice part time job and child care this summer when i plan on moving to arlington va. thank you, world!

  59. Dear World,I’m so much more than your idea (or my idea of your idea?) of a SAHM. So you don’t need to politely turn away after that, “And what do you do?” question at the dinner party, because I might just have something interesting to say after all.
    Also, world, no, I’m afraid I’m not soooooo happyyyyy to be at home full-time with my kids, as amazing as they are, and I can indeed imagine doing something else; in fact, I can imagine doing many wonderful something elses that make me grin and get happy-antsy just thinking about it. I’m really am very thankful that my being at home doesn’t make us financially insolvent, though.
    And on that note, world, I know that my resume is kind of weird. Some experiences just don’t transfer well to paper, perhaps, or look as seamless as they felt as I lived them. But if you gave me the chance, I really could be the most kick-ass employee you’ve had in years.
    Thanks, Moxie. I needed that more than I knew. Oh, and thanks for the book recs, ladies. I just finished _Tea Time for the Traditionally Built_ by Alexander McCall Smith. Love him.

  60. I want the world to know that looks can be deceiving. Things aren’t always as they appear. Or, as my brother in-law once paraphrased his favorite piece of advice from his mother, “you just never know what’s going on behind someone’s closed door.” Really ringing true with me these days.Right now, along with all the various parenting/family mags that clutter up my house, I’m reading The 19th Wife. @Mogget — it DOES get better! Definitely a slow start, and I was wondering if I might have to abandon it altogether; but by the time I was about a quarter of the way through, I found myself staying up way past my bedtime to read “just a few more pages.” Picking it up on a whim at Costco (yes, I am that person) was a good thing. Blame it on Big Love or having Mormon nannies as a child, but I’m intrigued by the LDS, so I’m enjoying this fictionalized rendering of one piece of the church’s puzzle.
    LOVE love love this topic — both parts of it. Can’t wait to read what more folks have to say. Thanks, Moxie. And I am so feeling you, in terms of being MORE. I hope there are many people in your life who recognize that and celebrate ALL that you are.

  61. I want the deliberately childless people in my life to know that, although, yes, I chose to have 2 children and a husband, that doesn’t mean that those choices aren’t often very difficult ones. It doesn’t mean that I can’t feel desperate and unhappy and trapped sometimes. And yes, I’m allowed to complain about it a tiny bit without you saying smugly, “But you chose to have kids, didn’t you.”(And that also doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do it again in a hot minute. Because I would. But it’s still hard. OK?)
    I want the world to know that I get that all of this isn’t real. I see that all of the trappings of this life are just a play we’ve put on for ourselves. The problem is, I can’t UNSEE it. So it becomes hard for me to care about the small sh*t.
    What I’m reading: “Just A Couple of Days” by Tony Vigorito. Just ordered “The Glass Castle” and “The Orchard” from Amazon. I’ve read “The Orchard” before and I just love it. I’m a sucker for frontier-type women with grit. I want to read “Help! A Bear Is Eating Me,” which I bought my DH for xmas, and which he says is hysterically funny.
    P.S. Oh, and world? I am a writer. I get that I haven’t written anything in a long time, but I will. You’ll see.

  62. Hi World:I want you to know I am trying… trying my best to be a good wife and mom.
    I also want you to know my floor isn’t clean, the dishes on the counter are dirty, and the laundry is knee deep, but I got to play in the snow with the kids today and that is what is important.
    I also just finished The Lost Symbol. A Christmas present from the in-laws.

  63. Oh man, Moxie – thank you for asking!1. I want the world to know that I have the right to make mistakes and take on more than I can handle. How else will I learn that it’s too much or that I should do things differently? Experience is my best teacher, so stop raining on my parade, world!
    2. I have an entire shelf-ful of books that I want to read. Someday. Among the ones currently sporting bookmarks: a few specifically about our city and state (Texas) since I didn’t grow up here and know very little about the place’s history; The World is Flat – I dislike the author personally but enjoy his writing; Everyman’s Talmud. I guess it’s just another shred of evidence in the “I’m way out of touch” case against me that I have no idea what books the rest of y’all are talking about. Maybe someday they’ll end up on my “to read” shelf.

  64. @Susan — I read War and Peace last summer! One of the great reading experiences of my life — and I get what you mean about there being No Before and virtually No After.I forgot that I wanted the world to know I was simultaneously horrifically dreading and looking forward to going to France for a month by myself. How can a person be this conflicted without mental illness? I feel like I’m disintegrating.

  65. @Rebekah: I hope you have delivered! Those last days of waiting drove me crazy. Good luck.@Rosie & meggiemoo: Isn’t the Glass Castle *amazing*? I read it pre-kid but still think about it…
    @hush: Sometimes I think it is a sign of being truly adult/mature that one knows when to hold one’s tongue v. when to say exactly what one thinks. That said, I feel your pain. Hopefully this will not be forever. And — how lucky you are to have *4* “authentic self” friends!! That is more than most of us can boast of, I’ll bet. 🙂
    What I want the world to know?
    1) Domestic violence is NEVER okay and NEVER deserved. I fight this battle on a daily basis professionally, yet was unable to protect a great friend. Luckily she is safe now. But not before some bad things happened. It makes me sick that the police are not more responsive, that the world is not more angry, and that men still think this is okay.l
    2) On a more selfish note, I want the world to know that I’ve *made it*. As all you moxie-ites told me would happen, once I reached the 1 yr bday (and started weaning) I felt like my mind and my life came back. Yeah, I still have no free time; and yeah, I’m not as dedicated professionally as I used to be; but I’m ME again. Woohoo.
    What I’m reading? Hahah. 1 month old New Yorkers; 2 month old professional journals; and that’s about it. The last book I read was “The Gathering” — and I read it during maternity leave, a year ago! (That said, it was *really* good.

  66. I’d like the world to know that I do have a lot to offer but that I’m stuck right now.Love my DH and DS dearly and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my DD BUT also very stuck – on many levels. I have no real friends (in this hemisphere anyway) and haven’t had a genuine laugh in months. My DH is wonderful and doesn’t understand that, while I am outgoing, I suck at making friends and am having a hard time being halfway across the planet from my friends and family (and his suggestion to talk to his Mum aren’t helpful because I haven’t had the guts to be honest with him and tell him she’s a nut job that I don’t want within a hundred miles of me and our kids)
    I want the world to know that, while my DH and I have agreed that I will stay home until the kids start school, that I do still have a brain and sometimes miss work. All I need to do now is figure out how to reinvent myself so I can have some outside stimulation (and extra $ would be nice) while staying home with the kids and being a good Mum.
    Lastly, I need to make sure I don’t fall into the PPD abyss, which scares me beyond comprehension, especially as we have no support network here…
    I am a pretty great person and I can be a lot of fun. I have a brain and a good sense of humour and just need to find myself again. I miss the old me sometimes . . .

  67. Just finished The Lost Symbol and am also reading When the Past is Present–an interesting perspective on the way we approach relationships.@Hush, you are so cool. I love that, even though you feel you can’t let your true self be seen in your current setting, you know who you are. I agree with @the milliner that you may be able to be YOU without bearing all. IMHO, it’s OK to keep yourself private, as long as the small bits of YOU that you do share are, in fact, you. It may be work or your spouses career or some other political stressor that makes it impossible to let your authentic self be known. I’m someone who can’t stand to be fake, but I’ve learned (the hard way) that if I let it all out, it might bite my ass someday because of some shallow person’s assumption. BTW, I also live in a rural, fairly podunk town… Anyway, hang in and fist bump to you, girlfriend. 🙂

  68. I want the world to know that I managed to (mostly) keep my cool all weekend, single-handedly running the house and taking care of our 2.5 year old twins, while my DH suffered with the flu.Note: I accepted his apology today for something he and his parents said a few weekends ago, when *I* was flat out in bed with the same flu. I simply could NOT get up, could NOT visit with the inlaws, could NOT care for the girls… and they diagnosed me as depressed. NO, I HAD THE FLU and my doctor TOLD me to stay in bed. Today, he wisely acknowledged that they were very wrong and he was sorry. Thank you!
    Am reading “Olive Kittredge” and “This I Believe” right now.

  69. I want the world to know that I’m really sad that I finally found a mommy friend and now she’s moving away (her husband got a new job across the country, and it’s really great for them, since they’ll be close to family, etc. etc.)…I’m sad for me and not just for my daughter, who’s losing her first best friend.Like Michelle, I’d like the world to know that yes, I’m so lucky to be able to work at home, but that it is actually really hard (particularly when you work for a lunatic, who in my case, happens to be someone who is practically family).
    Oh, and while I’m at it, I’d like to tell all my Obama hating relatives to stop sending me awful emails. Even though I don’t read them, they still bother me (he’s the President, so maybe they can quit questioning his citizenship???).
    As far as books go, I just finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett and Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder. I highly recommend both. I just started Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert today and I’m planning to read Stones into Schools by Greg Mortensen after that.

  70. What a great post. Thanks Moxie. Very timely.I want the world to know that I’m a good mum too even though, like Kelly has said about herself – I yell a lot too. And I often look stressed and anxious.
    I want the world that’s made up of my mainly single friends without children to know that it’s okay for me to be like that; that it doesn’t mean I’m a bad mum or that I hate my child. I’m just human.
    And I want their understanding and general support, not pity. (It’s possible though that sleep deprivation is making me paranoid, in which case, sorry world about misinterpreting you!)
    @Anonimizer: Just wanted to say that I hope you get the help soon, just as you’ve asked for. Sending you lots of courage to ask for it in other places too, from people around you.

  71. I want the world to know that I feel like vomiting pretty much every minute that I’m awake, especially those that I’m sitting at my desk, ostensibly working. So please, please cut me some slack, and don’t be offended if I don’t want to deal with you right now.I wish I was reading Tender Morsels, by Margo Lanagan, but I had to return it to the library unfinished, and now I feel guilty if I’m reading anything other than parenting books.

  72. What I want the world to know: I’m not sure. I must be in a good place, ’cause I don’t much care what the world thinks at this particular time in my life. Or I’m too busy to care!What I’m reading. I just finished Open City, an anthology of Itialian post-WWII writings put together by William Weaver.
    parisienne mais presque– I read Suite Française by Irène Némirovsky two years ago and still remember the visceral shock I felt when the book ended.
    Hush– Having experienced podunkness, I empathize. Can you suggest changing the format of your book club? Having a designated reviewer to start the discussion might get the shyer people talking, or a round-robin format for initial-impression statements

  73. To the world (on a good day): thanks – my life is better than I could ever have dreamed.to the world (on a normal day): when does the endless repetitive slog of laundry, dishes, work, commutes, tantrum-taming, tidying, constant decision-making, potty-training, keeping track of stuff that needs to be ready for tomorrow, next week, next month end? Isn’t there more to life than this?
    I hear you ExpatMummy – I haven’t made a single good friend here (Canada) in seven years, and desperately miss my family & friends back home…
    Am reading Jane and the Barque of Frailty by Stephanie Barron…who knew Jane Austen could’ve been a kick-ass detective!

  74. @those reading the Glass Castle, please read Half Broke Horses – it’s the sort-of memoir of the grandmother of those kids and it is amazing. It’s about Rose Mary and what HER childhood was like. Though still a stumper as to how she turned out the way she did. Good grief.

  75. What I Want The World To Know:Like everyone else, I’m trying…and I’m so grateful and happy! But sometimes, even though I love them so much I could bawl, I don’t want to play or read or fix dinner for the kids. Sometimes, I just want to sit on the couch and watch Millionaire Matchmaker. By myself. 🙂
    What I’m Reading:
    Nothing at the moment, I’m sorry to say. But I would strongly, strongly recommend Shadow Divers. I couldn’t put the damn thing down – it was *awesome*!

  76. @Meika- it sucks that people don’t realize that SAHMs are smart, interesting people, too.On the problem with your resume not “flowing”… can I make a suggestion as someone who is often on the receiving end of resumes? Focus on your cover letter. Yes, I actually read those. Or, more precisely, I skim them to see if I should read them. I skip the boilerplate ones, but always read the ones that are trying to convey information beyond the resume. The cover letter is your chance to try to explain your career path, and how it relates to the position you’re applying for now.
    You could also use the cover letter to gently remind the reader of the many transferable skills you have acquired as a SAHM. I’m thinking of things like grace under pressure, ability to think on your feet, ability to prioritize competing needs. (As an aside: when I read Siblings Without Rivalry, I was blown away by the similarities with management training about how to handle team dynamics. Apparently we really are all just overgrown kids….) Of course, this is an area full of potential pitfalls- some working moms are really sensitive about their decision to be at work, not at home. You’ll have to tread carefully. But you should at the very least go into the job search with the confidence that you HAVE in fact learned many valuable and important skills during your time at home.
    The cover letter trick will work best if you can get it to the actual hiring manager. In some cases, HR strips those out before sending the resumes to the hiring manager. In my field (biotech), people network like crazy trying to find anyone they know who might plausibly be able to pass their resume + cover letter to the hiring manager, while also putting in a good word for them. No one minds getting a call from even a distant contact, really, because if it pans out, there is usually an employee referral bonus in it for the employee who “found” the new hire.
    Good luck!

  77. @ Hush- could we possibly have moved to the same podunk town? In my mind, I wish it was so, so we could be our kick ass selves together. Small towns just bite sometimes.I wish could just pull about another 4-6 hours out of every day so I would be able to do more work from home, exercise more to lose this baby weight, and have some time to do something creative. I miss my sewing machine.
    I would also like for the world to understand the the post pregnancy anxiety I am feeling every day is real. I know, it helps with the survival of the species, but I am really so over worrying about my kids in scenarios that are not. gonna. happen. Ugh.
    I am thankful for my faraway friends, one of whom recommended the Mortal Instrauments Series. I’m on the second book, and though it is YA fiction, it’s well written and a lovely distraction, if you like a little fantasy…
    Here’s hoping for an hour to myself, even if it is in a dark closet, and a time to shower, Whenever that may be.

  78. I am much more than my current situation. I am so much more than just my children’s mother. I love them, and would willingly die for them, but they’re not all I am.Amen to that.
    Currently reading: a book on healthy sleep habits (Weissbluth) on the Kindle, in bits and pieces, while attempting to rock my baby to sleep. Beyond that, nothing much, though I have hopes of reading a real book again someday!

  79. Dear World,Just because I was infertile for many years and spent many, many dollars on IVF to have my twins, and plan to transfer the other frozen embryos eventually, except that I found out the week before my transfer appointment that I am pregnant because of having SEX, doesn’t mean I am thrilled about it. Two infertile people conceiving while using contraception is a miracle, but I have mixed feelings and need some time. Could you lay off the guilt and confusion over my lack of unadulterated joy? Got enough guilt and confusion of my own.
    Thanks.

  80. @Hush, @TB, @Expatmummy – you make me feel less alone in *my* podunk town, where I feel like I so don’t fit in, in my less than satisfying marriage. I was laid off three times, moved to this place I don’t fit into, need work but want to stay home, am tired and frazzled and want a third kid despite being too old, really …Re “little House” – I read at the Laura Ingalls Wilder museum that all but First Four Years were rewrites. Most of the books were based on her life but how she wished it could have been – and FFY was the draft – the how-it-actually-happened account that she didn’t live long enough to amend like she had the others. Interesting, but sad to learn.
    I adore that series, grew up on it. Saved each dogeared copy but have no daughters! Yet?
    I wish I knew what I wanted the world to know. I want to write but feel so muted, so tongue-tied, so censored. Trying to start small.

  81. This is a terrific idea for a topic in the middle of the winter blah season….I’d like the world to know that the disabled are not a different, inferior species! I’m not an automatic disaster for the company health care plan. I’m not mentally retarded just because I use forearm crutches (you wouldn’t believe the treatment I used to get in stores – there’s definitely a reason I do my shopping online now!) Yes, I don’t walk like everyone else, I take medications to remain functional and productive, and I can’t stand up for long periods. But if you give me a chance instead of dismissing me as a headache at one glance, I will be a real asset to you!
    Sorry, that one’s a constant ache….
    Books are the breath of life for me. Right now, I’m rereading an old favorite, Venetia, by Georgette Heyer. Any fans of Jane Austen should really look into Heyer’s books – she’s terrific.
    @Mogget: I read YA books a lot – they can be surprisingly strong competition for adult books. The sequel to the Hunger Games, Catching Fire, is excellent as well. You might try The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova, or Feed, by M.T. Anderson, depending on your taste.
    @M: The 2005 Best Short Stories anthology, edited by Michael Chabon, had a wonderful short story called Stone Animals that might fit what you’re looking for in fantasy. The author, Kelly Link, is wonderful at mixing the everyday in with elements of fantasy, and slowly having fantasy take over in a rather creepy way. If you’re looking for a major fantasy read, try Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke. It was amazing!!!

  82. @crescentgirl, your comments give me hope that maybe all of these podunk little towns (in which, judging by the response to Hush’s comments, many of us seem to be stuck and alone) might actually have another person hiding *her* true self. So, maybe it’s worth putting little pieces of our true selves out there once in a while incase there is an Authentic Self friend waiting in the wings. It’s a risk, I know, but maybe worth it…The television-fed cynic in me is not surprised to hear that the Laura Ingalls Wilder world that we’ve read about growing up isn’t the fantasy we all thought it was. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing…. When the true story turns out to be more like everybody else’s normal, flawed life, it reminds me to stop wishing for perfection and take a nice giant bite out of this messy, imperfect, yet so perfectly REAL life.

  83. “Really, this is just what I’d like the world to know: I am much more than my current situation. I am so much more than just my children’s mother. I love them, and would willingly die for them, but they’re not all I am.”That, that is what I want the world to know…and that it is ok to feel like that. So many people look at you with horror when you admit that there is actually a wholly separate person beyond the Mother in me.
    I am reading the Circle Series by Ted Dekker, and Prayer by Philip Yancey. I just need a good dose of Faith in my life right now!

  84. @blue – I think part of my problem in my podunk town is I *do* speak up; not as much as I’d like, but I’m old enough now not to worry so much as i used to about what people think of me. However, I do worry about how my comments will affect my kids – everyone here is related to everyone else, so the person you pop off to in a grocery line is your principal’s SIL and it gets around. So I try not to pop off much.But yes, maybe we should start a side blog for those of us city girls trapped in tiny towns who need some connection! Moxie’s does a great job but … there’s room for more perhaps!
    Re YA – Patricia Reilly Giff had me mesmerized with Nory’s Song. I still wonder about how the next phase of that girl’s life went and it was FICTION, hello … engrossing, page burning, hard to follow.
    Otherwise I’m loving but not reading very quickly DKG’s Team of Rivals, about Lincoln. Too dang big to hold for long; makes me want a Kindle/nook and I am not that into electronics.

  85. @crescentgirl –we definitely live in the same town. I really don’t mean to sound so complainy, since I actually chose to leave the city and move to the middle of nowhere, which I (mostly) love. I have managed to make a few local friends, who are great, but when I make certain comments now and then, I just get this “Here goes the NYC girl again” look.Part of what I love is the lack of people, but then when you come across them here and there among all the trees and mountains and air, watch out, they’re nothing like me (and they really are ALL related!)

  86. I want the world to know that I’m scared. Scared that I’m not a good mother because I get so bored at times and want to sit on the couch reading instead of playing “train tracks.” I’m scared that this feeling won’t change with number 2 due in July. I’m scared that something could go wrong with number 2 and he/she might not make it (so far completely unfounded fear). I’m scared about our financial situation. I’m scared that I won’t have any close friendships because everyone I love lives so far away. I’m scared that the chaos and uncertainty are long-term.I just finished reading The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley. It took a bit to start liking the main character, but when I did, the book flew.

  87. @Sarah – I think a lot of us have fears like yours mid-pregnancy. There’s so much up in the air, so much we’re *supposed* to feel and yet it’s a totally individual, and sometimes isolating, experience. I pray to have it again, but then am I ready for another human?? The doubts I think we all have are huge. Maybe that’s what sleep deprivation does – it relieves us of some fear.It’s ok to want to be an adult sometimes. It’s ok to be tired of playing trains. One huge benefit to having another child is eventually they will play together (some of my favorite moments now are just edging into the room to listen and watch before they devolve into fighting. I love watching them interact.
    It’s important to have time to yourself every day, and I say that as someone who rarely takes time for it. I think when you don’t, the negative emotions work their way out.
    Good luck to you.
    @blue – sounds like you’re farther afield than me! I’m in a factory town where everyone smokes, I saw a mom feeding an infant red Kool-Aid in church, an ex-con waits outside the school every day for his son, my kid’s classmate … I was raised on a farm outside St Louis, so I miss both the hills and trees, and the 20 minute drive to decent food and entertainment. I met my husband in Dallas, where we ate out once a week at fabulous restaurants and book shopped in our child-free time (with child-free money). Here, we’re a couple hours from NYC, but money and kids and DH’s reticence make it a rare trip. But I love love love connecting with likeminded moms on Moxie.

  88. I want the world to know that while I miss my ex (the father of my child, my best friend) I am relieved that the worry is over. I agonized over whether he would ever commit to me and want to be a family with our son. I analyzed and repeated over and over in my head every word he would say hoping that it would reveal some inclination that he wanted to be with me and that it would work out if I could just change things about myself.Well, I don’t want to change who I am.
    I am a good person who has made mistakes. I am a good mother who doen’t know it all but sure as hell tries. And I was good to him and had the best of intentions.
    I want the world to know My son and I are going to be ok. I’m not over him yet but I will be.
    And for once I am looking forward to a life without him.
    Also, I am reading “The Poisonwood Bible”. Great book!

  89. good to see you are blogging again. I enjoyed the full article and hope that maybe you can get permission to republish it in full after some time has elapsed – it deserves wider exposure online than it might get behind the log in.

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