This post was supposed to post on Thanksgiving, but once again I didn't set auto-post correctly, so it didn't:

Four years ago at this time I started Ask Moxie as a joke, because people asked me to, because I had nothing else to give. I had an almost-4-year-old and a 6-month-old and I was married to someone I didn't like and who didn't like me.

Three years ago at this time I had a website that was useful to people and gave me something I was good at besides taking care of my kids. And on Thanksgiving I finally dared to tell people that I had to leave my marriage.

Two years ago I was writing this website while employed outside the home again, and struggling with how long and nonsensical the divorce process was.

One year ago I was writing the website while wishing my divorce would come through, not realizing that it had been final for almost a week.

Today I'm struggling to stay here while struggling to commute to a job I love in a city I hate, having learned more about myself than I ever wanted to (but I'm glad I know now), and feeling thankful that I had the courage and love for myself to get out of a bad marriage.

Thank you for being here. For reading and commenting, and cutting me slack. Thanks for helping each other out, and for saying what you know, and for asking what you don't. Thanks for giving me something to hang on for when there didn't seem to be a lot else.


57 thoughts on “Thanksgiving”

  1. No, thank YOU. My universe is a more positive place because of you.I absolutely think the best thing about this site, with you as the ringleader, is that it gave me the confidence I needed to be the best mother I could be. Not the best mother ever, not the best mother in the neighborhood or the building or the extended family, but the best mother I could be at that particular second…even if I was moping around and yelling at my kids and frustrated to hell and back, I had the confidence to know that I am meant to mother the kids I have. Some days it’s good, some days it’s bad, but in the end we’re all fine.

  2. I agree with Kate!Also thank you for being here, for letting us ask that question we’re not sure we want to ask.
    Thank you for being here for us. I love this site and it’s helped me (and countless others) over the last 4 years!
    Keep on keeping on!

  3. First-time commenter here, but long-time reader. Moxie, what you do for us all by creating this forum is truly inspiring. I’m unable to express how reassuring it has been to read about other moms’ experiences with PPD, traumatic births, or simply the garden-variety difficulties of parenting. Just knowing there’s a whole community of moms out there struggling and trying their best is comforting. THank you!

  4. I just started the divorce part now, but have followed a similar path of realization. It is so, so hard. thank you for sharing yourself & your story with us.It really does help.

  5. No Moxie, thank YOU! You have created a wonderful little community here, and probably lots of lives out there are better as a result that you will never know about.I can’t believe it’s only been 4 years!

  6. Like everyone else, I am eternally grateful for this site and this community.Speaking of community…does anyone know/has anyone heard from Akeeyu? She hasn’t been on here in a while and her blog has been password protected, which worries me. If anyone is friends with her IRL, please let us know she’s ok.

  7. I agree with Kate. I rarely comment but read avidly. This site has given me the confidence to parent as I wish, without worrying too much that I’m doing it “wrong” – to trust my instincts and stand up to the naysayers. It’s a huge gift and has made my whole parenting experience better.

  8. I wanted to chime in and say that you have made a positive impact in my life too, and I’ve passed you on to my friends, and I’m sure it just keeps going. I’m thankful for you and your readers too.

  9. Kate said it so well!You know, someday, when the girls are teenagers, or in college, and I’m looking back at the hazy period of their early childhood, you, Moxie, and this community in its entirety will be an essential part of the memory. How can I say it? This place here, this community, has been one of my main support groups during the tumultuous, wonderful, stressful early years. That’s a big deal!
    Also, when I first started visiting here, Moxie seemed perfect. The oracle! That you have let us in on your fears, your doubts, your obstacles, is so valuable. Instead of the “sage on the stage” you are “the guide on the side”. Thank you.

  10. Moxie, I don’t know where I’d be without this site! You’ve done a real service to the world and you should be proud of yourself.And you’re awesome and we’ve got your back!

  11. I have a friend I didn’t have 4 years ago. A friend who has supported me by sharing her own experiences, and encouraged me to face the struggles in my life with courage and dignity. Only three people knew of my troubled marriage. Moxie, you were one of them. You reached out to me and shared your story, which provided the clarity I needed to take the steps I needed to take to live the life I had envisioned for myself. I have never met you in person. I hope that someday your work travel will bring you to Los Angeles so that I can thank you face to face. And also, so we can sit and laugh and drink beer or wine together and say “We did it”.

  12. Yes, thank YOU, Moxie. Ask Moxie is an incredible community for families: accepting, respectful and knowledgeable. I know that everything on this site has, at best, been just the thing I was looking for and, at worst, a comfort knowing that this difficult time is only temporary and that I wasn’t alone in my struggles.

  13. Moxie, your blog helped me in the deepest, darkest hours of PPD. The medicine helped, and the counseling probably saved my marriage, but this blog is what saved my sanity, and gave me back my sense of humor about the whole mess that is motherhood.Thank you.
    Even if you can’t do it anymore, or need to change it, or some other permutation – thank you.

  14. All I can say is thank you for sharing your story and giving me a much needed dose of knowledge, compassion and common sense at a time when all mine seemed to fly out the window.

  15. I don´t think I can say it any better than anyone else have said it, but I can add, perhaps, a geographical scope to it: your blog is read in several different countries, and as such, has an impact in so many societies.I hope you find ways to sustain the writing.

  16. Moxie, Thank YOU! You’ve created a platform here like no other. A place where people are able to ask, vent, rant and rave. You invited me to come here and just share who I am as a parent educator and that growth has blossomed into something very special. The need you fill here is long over due, women/moms taking care of women/moms. Here you allow us to speak the truth with no shame or blame as well as reminding us to be kind with our womanhood. You are instinctive and remind us what our true nature is as parents. That simple act has allowed me to fulfill my dream of helping parents remember who they are and what they’re truly capable of. You’re a true Trail Blazer and I am grateful for your courage and tenacity. Happy Holidays!

  17. Thank you. There’s this quote that I see from time to time…”A hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money I had in the bank…but the world may be a better place because I made a difference in the life of a child.” — Forest Witchcraft
    I’m imagining that you are making a difference in the life of many children.

  18. Thank you for building this blog and community, Moxie. It has helped me through many dark parenting moments.I hope that you find a way to continue it, but even if you don’t, @Cathy is right- you have made a difference in the lives of many children (and their parents), and that is no small thing.

  19. I am in awe that you can keep it going through thick and thin. It is only right you find somewhere somehow the support YOU need after giving so much of yourself, your time and expertise to others.This forum has been revolutionary for me and for moms everywhere. As a mom in a foreign country away from family and friends, this place has been a homebase for sane and encouraging opinions and advice.
    It says a lot about you that you have created such a positive, supportive community full of really interesting, wonderful people. THANK YOU!!!!

  20. Advice on the internet is cheap and plentiful. Advice from people who take the time to use correct grammar, try their best not to spread rumors or otherwise scaremonger, and give posters the benefit of the doubt is rare and priceless.It’s nice to feel that people are on your side in the grand scheme of things, even if they make different choices or have different experiences.
    I’m glad to have benefited from your experience, Moxie, and that of all the other smart women who post here.

  21. I will echo what Geek in Rome says. It’s impressive that you can keep this site going through all of what you have dealt with since its inception. I would have thrown in the towel long ago.I also have created a pocket of support online for lack of it in my expat life here in Denmark. This site has been immeasurably valuable to connect to all these smart, thinking women (and so eloquent, too!), and find answers to my dear daughter’s various phases. The tone that continues to be maintained here is unmatched.
    Thank you so much, and best wishes for a lovely holiday and fabulous new year. You are due.

  22. I am a better person for the words and community I have found here. My children have a better mother. That is no small feat. I will forever be grateful.

  23. I have hardly commented in the two years I’ve been reading (I don’t have kids so I don’t usually have much to say), but I want to thank you too, Moxie. You and the people who gather here have taught me loads of stuff I’ll need to know one day, but what’s more than that right now, you have all shown me that there are a lot of smart people out there working to raise their children deliberately and well. You’ve helped me learn to respect the differences of people’s circumstances and their choices. Thank you.

  24. All I can add is that as a new mother, I am so grateful to have found this community of mothers (and fathers) who are thoughtful, supportive, and nonjudgmental. Not to mention the Archives of Wisdom!Thanks for everything you have done (and hopefully will continue to do), Moxie! Happy holidays to all.

  25. I don’t often comment anymore, but I usually read daily. Thank you Moxie so very much for this community. Thanks also to all the people commenting here & sharing their stories, the good and the hard. I’m so grateful for this place of support and sharing.

  26. Thank you Moxie for getting me through motherhood so far. This site is what has helped me make it through the most difficult moments. Without the honesty of the people who post here and the opportunity that you’ve provided for that to happen I would be depressed and isolated. I wouldn’t know about the diversity of experiences associated with motherhood. I wouldn’t know that I was doing alright. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  27. Ditto on the thanks Moxie. Both to you and to all of the wise and wonderful women who post here. I know I could have made it through the first 21 months without you all, but you certainly made it easier, and a lot more fun!

  28. Moxie you have created a community on the internet where parenting and discussion can intersect without it spiraling into petty arguments and holier-than-thou hackles being raised. This in and of itself is a miracle!

  29. Moxie, you have created this amazing world where mothers can share without judgment, where we can share our joys and fears, sorrows and cheers. Thank you and everyone here for being brave, sharing and allowing us all to feel like we are not alone. Thank you.

  30. And thanks back to you, Moxie. Your blog reminds me, daily, that we all need each other, and that honest conversations about life’s challenges help us all make the choices we need to. We need to share our stories and ask our questions in a community that will listen and talk back. Thanks, thanks, to you.

  31. Moxie, I don’t know how to say this without sounding trite: I just don’t know if I would be the mother, the friend, the sister and the daughter I am if it wasn’t for this site. As you know, I went to grad school for this stuff, this developmental stuff, this parenting and child development stuff and, yet, i have learned SO MUCH more from you and your readers, the community you have built and I have felt a part of for almost 4 years. I started in the infertility blog world, reading some amazing writers, and I remember your comments even before you got this blog. You were MADE for this, but if you need to take a break, we can be here for you, keep this space warm for you, while you do what you have to, to come back (if you want to do that now… if not, we’ll be there to support whatever new things you might want to go to). You have been an inspiration to me in ways that I can’t say right now. Thank you.

  32. As a father I bring a different perspective in reading and contributing to this blog. But I can’t overstate how helpful this site has been.During our last round of IVF I became the designated blog reader. Most of the blogs we found contained mostly posts filled with the anguish (and details) of things that did not go well. Presumably what we found were places where people could find a safe way to express their frustration and anger. But it freaked my wife out and I became the designated blog reader.
    A friend from grad school suggested I look here, and what a difference it has been. There is a greater interest in substantive discussion of what is going on with our kids. The advice is level headed, articulate, and insightful. The posts also deal with reality, rather than societal ideals.
    We have been nomadic for the past five years. First for grad school and then for careers. While the moves helped us out regarding those goals, we are separated from our social circle to get advice.
    I remember when our daughter started to wander in circles in her crib while she slept. Every time we went in she was another quarter or half turn around. Until she wedged her head into a corner. She was still asleep, but we were just a little freaked out.
    Then I found your (Moxie’s) discussion on sleep regression. It seemed like she was just learning to crawl and working it out in her sleep.
    And you have drawn together a community of intense parents (OK, I’ve mothers post) with incredible stories. The relief that we’re not alone in becoming overwhelmed makes it easier to get through the day.
    Many thanks.

  33. It’s only been 4 years? But, but…Maya’s 5, and it feels like you’ve been with me forever!Through all of it, I haven’t been a regular commenter, but I’ve read, read, and absorbed. I’ve found myself amazed and impressed at the community of thoughtful, nonjudgmental women you’ve collected.
    It’s worth it, for sure, and I will continue to refer people here, oh…for as long as I can. For as long as you write.
    I’m thankful for people like you, and people like those you’ve gathered, who’ve helped me leapfrog over my perfectionist “supposed to” tendencies to find the “who I actually am” reality.
    *lots of love*

  34. It’s only been 4 years? But, but…Maya’s 5, and it feels like you’ve been with me forever!Through all of it, I haven’t been a regular commenter, but I’ve read, read, and absorbed. I’ve found myself amazed and impressed at the community of thoughtful, nonjudgmental women you’ve collected.
    It’s worth it, for sure, and I will continue to refer people here, oh…for as long as I can. For as long as you write.
    I’m thankful for people like you, and people like those you’ve gathered, who’ve helped me leapfrog over my perfectionist “supposed to” tendencies to find the “who I actually am” reality.
    *lots of love*

  35. This community is a life saver, and it’s helped me so many times to come here and find other women who are like me…who are just trying to figure it out as we go along and doing the best we can.My “real life” community seems to consist of moms who do everything perfectly, correctly, and have no regrets. Stepford Moms.
    So thank you to Moxie, and to the wonderful folks here. I’ve learned so much from the wisdom shared, both practical and spiritual.

  36. Merci Moxie…I post infrequently but I have been following your blog and community for the last 3 years. I learned so much from you Moxie and all the great commenters. For many of them, I start to read a comment and can guess who is writing it before seeing the signature. I am in a different country, with a different language, but you are all part of my life as if you were close by. Thank you Moxie and Moxites.

  37. Thank you so much Moxie and thanks so much to the Moxites.And Moxie, it’s such a unique place here because of you.This site has been a priceless companion on the road of parenthood for me for nearly two years.
    And Moxie, please know that you did what a shelf of trauma books and years of therapy didn’t do this summer. By pointing out that it wasn’t * that* my mother yelled, but * what* she did in her rages you freed me from the fear of turning into her.
    I know that I may raise my voice, lose my temper and be out of patience sometimes but it’s not abuse. My mother could have said the same things in a nice conversational voice and the roof would still have falling in.
    That has made me a much happier and spontaneous mother, so thank you. Really.

  38. I’m so grateful, Moxie, and you should be so proud of the community you’ve fostered into being here: So genuine, so supportive while still honest, diverse and strong it its convictions–but still warmly acceptant. It is a reflection upon you the kind of thoughtful parents that have been attracted to your space here.Thanks to you for your answers on and offline to my questions and to the questions of others, to which I also needed answers, but didn’t have the wisdom or humility to ask. Thanks to the Moxite community for raising all the complex questions, and doing your best as a community to discuss these honestly–especially since there is no true “answer” to so many of the hard ones.
    It is your successes (and failures, too), Moxites, and your willingness to keep talking and thinking and trying that encourages me to keep being the best mom I can. For that I am grateful.

  39. Thank you, Moxie and the Moxie community. I can’t even express all the ways you all have affected and enriched my life.And I basically want to ditto @Rudyinparis.

  40. Thank you, Moxie (and all the community). So many have said it better (Kate and Rudyinparis, especially), so I just offer my thanks.

  41. I don’t see comments from Cloud, the only other San Diego resident that I know of on here, so I’ll say it SoCal style.Dude. No seriously. Dude.
    I would have thought I was crazy and a horrible mother if I hadn’t found your site. I’m a SAHM and I am grateful for that, but it is lonely, lonely, lonely some days. You (and the Moxites) were my tether to the sane, kind, outside world for two long years and you continue to be so even as I’m finally getting back out there.
    For crying out loud, my old, “On Oprah today…” has been completely replaced by “I read on AskMoxie…”.
    It’s moving and profound to feel all of the love and support on your blog. You set that tone for all of us.
    Thank you. And congratulations on it all!

  42. Most of the posts have said it all already…thanks for the community you’ve created for us. This site has been a sanity saver and confidence booster many times for me. Thank you!

  43. Your blog has become my go-to source for just about any problem I’ve had since the birth of my daughter. Thank you for creating it…and keeping it up. And thank you even more for sharing your own trials and tribulations over the years. It keeps us all from feeling alone in our struggles.

  44. @SarcastiCarrie – French Toast casserole? Sounds delicious.@mom2boys – I caught my father being mean to my son when he was about a year…maybe even a little younger. It broke my heart. I wasn’t surprised (my father was really abusive to us when we were kids and it wasn’t until I finally stood up to him in my late 20’s that things changed) but I was disappointed. I know better than to think people can change, so I don’t know what I was expecting. Anyway, my dad will never, ever have unsupervised visits with our kids. I couldn’t forgive myself if it ever happened again. No real advice, just commiseration.
    @bec – I’ve been in your shoes and it got better for us, and I hope that it gets better for you. I really wanted my brother and sister, who live w/in 20 miles of us, to step up and help, but they don’t have children and I don’t think they really understand what help would look like or even that we need it. Once I realized that no one was coming to save me and that I needed to save myself, I turned a corner and got my ass in gear. Also, the weather changed, we figured out E had reflux, etc. so other things started to fall into place, which helped. Is there any one thing you can do that would make you feel more in control, more proactive, more positive? Because if you’re anything like me, then doing that one thing would make me feel better and the success would prompt me to keep the momentum going. And funny thing about husbands – I asked mine what’s the one thing I could do to make our relationship better through this trying time (we have a 2.5 yr old and a 10 wk old.) I asked him to really think about how I could make him feel loved and appreciated and less stressed. Is it be more physically affectionate? Have the house completely picked up when he walked in the door? Because whatever that one thing is, I am willing to do it because I love him and I want him to know it. Merry Christmas. 🙂
    @Claudia – a pox! I love it. Usually I wish diarrhea on people (it’s gross, uncomfy, annoying, but not really any worse than that.) A pox is a little more ladylike, so I’m adopting it. Unless the person’s a real jerk, and then they get both!
    My primal cry is that I am getting more and more anxious about E’s digestive issues. I’ve read up on Fructose Malabsorption. I’ve read up on Reflux/GERD. Now I read up on the salicylic/additvies issue from pp (don’t think it’s this since we’re super organic/non-additive anyway.) But I can’t do the elimination diet since FMers can’t have brown rice. So it seems that until we go and see the specialist (not till Jan 20th!) I won’t know what his issues are and how to go about relieving his symptoms. And since the diets all conflicting foods (no corn! yes corn! no brown rice! only brown rice!) and since he’s 2.5 yrs old and doesn’t like food anyway, I don’t know what to do and waiting idly just isn’t my style (I’m sure there’s a lesson here!) And my DH is reluctant to do anything till we see the GI guy. But I suspect very little will come out of our 1st visit anyway, since we’re not even seeing the specialist, but the dietitian instead (no, there’s no way around this. Follow protocol blahblah.) So every night I go to bed and I lay there and feel really sad and lost and anguished over what my son can/can’t eat, what he ate that day, what his poop looked like, what his diagnosis could be, what that could mean for him and our family, etc. etc. etc. So boohoo. For him, and for me. Because I’d give anything in the world to be the one with the issues if it meant that he was ok.
    But otherwise, enjoying the holidays. Found a flattering pose for B, so all our pictures of her this holiday will be of her in tummy time because otherwise, her second chin crawls up and takes over the cuteness of her face. Maybe we’ll all take pics in tummy time pose.

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