Primal Scream Wednesday

You know how this works. I'll start:

My commute continues to bash me over the head with a large anvil, leaving no space/time/energy for posting here, which makes me feel sad and like something's missing.

I turned off my alarm when it went off this morning and woke up 41 minutes later.

I left my phone on the table this morning, and am out-of-pocket with the babysitter because of it. Also, the cats may be placing international calls or sending mean texts with it.

My younger one refused to get dressed this morning, then that cascaded into a really bad morning including crying from both of us.

I forgot to pee before I started the commute and had to hold it for what seemed like 5 hours and 8 or 9 boroughs worth of subway riding.

Work is kicking my ass this morning in a someone-else-didn't-do-what-they-were-supposed-to-do kind of way and now my company (me, specifically) is dealing with it.

I left a dirty dish in the office sink last night and that makes me feel like a jerk for doing that to our office manager.

I'm cold.

Tomorrow is only going to be worse, in all likelihood.

And, my coworker just asked me if that was my toast in the toaster oven. Yes. Yes, it is.

Now someone with real problems, please post.

257 thoughts on “Primal Scream Wednesday”

  1. Ouch.I got put on bed rest on Saturday night. Ultrasound tech on Monday said that it would take two days for the results to reach the doc – across the STREET! Laying low until I hear from Doc is killing me. My toddler has his first bad cold that he totally contracted from a friendly visitor on Saturday who brought his three duckies under five with him (and who had hussy fits and pushed my son multiple times). Then I got the cold and this morning my husband woke up with it. So he’s home trying to be helpful bit is kind of in the way.
    Really hope to be taken off bed rest because next week is husband’s 40th and if feel bad to cancel/ attend minimally the family celebration and the get together we ate hosting for friends. Also, bed rest made is to I couldn’t drop off needlepoint I finished to be made into a belt for him – had to be there Monday to get made into leather belt in time for his actual birthday. I will feel like a schmuck handing him a photo of the needlepoint but all well.
    Oh. And we are out of tissues. And Advil.

  2. Mine are pretty fleeting but driving me crazy nonetheless…so…AHHHHH!Within one hour this morning:
    My husband left for a 12-day business trip (and I just couldn’t manage to keep the tears back when I said goodbye, thanks to the pregnancy hormones, argh)
    I received a call telling me that they apologize but they “forgot” to tell me that I am to present a paper at an academic conference next week, so surely I can pull something out that I’ve been working on, right? And if I could have it to them by tomorrow for printing, that would be great.
    And…my nanny called to tell me she has a fever of 103. Doctor says she needs to wait until she’s been fever free for at least 48 hours before returning to work. And my husband is our back-up for cases like this…reference 12 day business trip above.
    Oh, and totally unimportant but making me sad nonetheless…hubby didn’t get the Christmas tree up like he had hoped before he left, and I don’t know if I can manage it alone with an 18-month-old and a 7-month-pregnant belly. So we might be going sans decorations for the holidays this year. Which isn’t terribly important since we’ll be at my parents’ for the actual holidays, but still makes me sad.
    Definitely a primal scream day. But I’m going to do what I can to let it all go and just enjoy my little man today, since I don’t have many other options.

  3. My in-laws accidentally threw away all of my boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations which had been stored in their attic. I had several collections and all of it was very sentimental and important to me. I will really miss the ornaments from my childhood, my grandparents’ tree skirt, and the special Christmas item I saved three months to buy when I was in college and just wanted a little cheer in my apartment.We don’t want to spend the money to buy replacement items so I went to Target to get one set of ornaments to put on a miniature tree. Looking at it makes me depressed.

  4. Yesterday was E’s first dentist appt…Till I grabbed him by the arm and fled as if the building was on fire. Won’t get into details here, but it pretty much ruined the entire day for us and he’s been acting out, announcing when he’s doing something he shouldn’t be and I don’t know how to tell him that the storm has passed and we won’t be going back to that dentist again. OOOOWWWWHHHHH!It snowed last night and the first layer of snow is actually a sheet of ice. It’s 17 degrees out and I have a 7 week old baby. My father and his wife are in town, it’s her birthday and if I don’t truck the 2.5 yr old and the 7 wk old out to dinner, I will never live it down. Never. Oh, and I’m responsible for going out and buying her a gift. Even though I’m the only one with kids. Did I mention the baby is 7 weeks old and it’s 17 degrees out? Did I mention the ice? ARRRGGGHHH!
    According to “Wonder Weeks” we are in the middle of a growth/psychological leap. Which is fine, except the 2.5 yr old hasn’t read the “Wonder Weeks” and unless there’s a Wonder Pets episode about it, pretty sure that he doesn’t care. GGGRRRR!!!
    Oh, and DH and I haven’t slept in the same bed in 4ish months and haven’t had time to talk, cuddle, etc since the 2.5 yr old requires my DH’s constant presence in his bed to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. And since the baby is sleeping with me…we’re at each other’s throats and we need to reset, but how? UUUUHHHHHGGGG!

  5. I hope the toast didn’t burn and the co-worked didn’t eat it. Nice warm toast would make you not-cold.Bobo is having a tough time transitioning from jarred baby food to table food and also does not eat any dinner to speak of (because he’s overtired from crumby naps at day care, distraught over not having me all day – really, and then he just wants to nurse when I walk in and FREAKS the EFF right out until I nurse him…Husband says Bobo is happy and smiling and standing and cooing and when the garage door goes up, all h-e-double hockey sticks breaks loose at home with Chuckles melting into a puddle of whine and Bobo freaking the eff right out until I nurse him…it makes me not want to come home). And then I have to go to bed to be ready for the all-night nurse-a-pallooza.

  6. The company my husband works for has gone into a precipitous nosedive. He has made a 60 day commitment to stay, but is actively looking for a new job. He, I am happy to say, has good prospects, and is going for an interview at the end of the week. In Northern Virginia. We do not presently live in Northern Virginia. He really hopes he gets this job, and is quite likely to do so.But that means that we will have to sell our home. Our home that we bought 18 months ago, our home that I love very very much. If I believed it worked that way I would think this was the universe reminding me that I shouldn’t love things like houses so much.
    And I will have to quit my job. I had it worked out so that I could work 1/2 time for a year after my baby is born. And I was in line for a very good promotion next year. Since no one is going to hire a very pregnant librarian/archivist, I will probably end up staying home for a while. I am ambivalent about that.
    As mentioned, I am 5 months pregnant. If our projected schedule works out, we will move when I am about 32 weeks pregnant. I will have to find a new midwife or OB and a new hospital. And find someone to care for my 2 year old during labor, in a strange place where I know no one. Then, after the baby is born, I will have to bring him home to a temporary apartment that won’t feel like home.
    My primal scream is becoming a primal whimper. The logistics boggle my mind. But really, we are lucky, we will get through this and it might not financially ruin us. But if I could fast forward through the next 6 or 7 months, I would.

  7. I’m going to be in work hell for the next three weeks, which will be followed by holidays/family/traveling hell. I’d say that at least I’m looking forward to returning to work after to holidays, but budget problems at my job are looming, and this is keeping me up at night.I really want to have another child, but factors beyond my control are prevent even trying. And those factors are not what one might expect for someone like me (infertility, etc., although that may be an issue, haven’t even come to that point yet), which makes me feel really isolated and pissed off.
    Several of the people who work for me are not doing their jobs. I’m so tired of doing their jobs and my job.
    And the IRS reviewed our 2007 tax return and they think we owe them more money. The reason why they think we owe them more money is because one of my 1099s is incorrect, and the solution is to send the IRS a corrected 1099. And although the issuer of the 1099 acknowledged this mistake at the time, they also refuse to send a new 1099. That small space between the rock and a hard place–that’s where I reside.

  8. Mine seem so petty now, but here goes…We tried to transition my daughter off the pacifier last night, and at 2 am, after I had been up since midnight, I DUG THE OLD ONE OUT OF THE TRASH. How pathetic is that? So, back to paci land for us.
    Hugs to one and all.

  9. Last night my crappy cold caught up with me and all I could think was just hang on till the kid is in bed and then go to bed early.So I hang on through dinner and cleanup and get my 21 month old son into the bath, less than 5 minutes later I am watching him make “the face” (the one that means there’s a nasty diaper on the way). This is the second time this week and I’m scared there’s a trend in the works.
    I didn’t cry while doing the fish n’ scrub on the bathtub, but boy did I want to.

  10. My ILs are very old and feeble and in denial about it all.I am hoping that counts as a real problem, because it’s not as hard as what some of you posted. Moxie set the bar pretty high, darn her!

  11. Moxie, even through your scream, you still manage to have a hilarious sense of humor. Or REALLY evil cats. I hope it gets better and send a hug from California.

  12. My 18 month old woke up last night at 3:30 AM and wouldn’t go back to sleep. Then he screamed bloody murder for an hour at the babysitter’s when DH tried to drop him off.There is a 10 year (yes, that’s TRUE) waiting list for a parking permit at my building, there’s no accessible public transport, my DH works far away, and I’m pregnant & subject to fainting spells brought on by – wait for it – walking too far. Like from the Siberia where I will be forced to park.
    I’m behind and disorganized and panicking about all the things I can’t do because I’m too sick (see, pregnancy).

  13. I’m way way way (like a month) behind in grading and there is another paper due Friday and I told them it would be back today and they are only 1/2 done.I was up until 1 grading last night and didn’t write up full lecture notes for the lecture I need to give in a different class in one hour. Nor have I read the papers for the guest lecture in the evening class.
    My kids have been sick for freaking WEEKs. and I forgot to give DD the antibiotic this morning. Yes, I am the behind antibiotic-resistant bacteria. and I hate myself for it.
    I’m sick of snot on kids faces. My daughter keeps sticking dirty fingers up her nose so that she looks like her snot is coal dust. its disgusting.
    I’m behind in emails. My house is a mess.
    Its cold and wet outside.
    I was just told to expect 50 applications to review for our job search. During finals.
    really, outside of personal embarrassment for being not being on top of my game at work, it could all be a lot worse. Clearly I’m putting all my effort into cuddling children and not class.

  14. commutes suck. I did it for about a year, and decided we had to move.We’re gotten rid of all the hidden toxicity and surrounded ourselves with good people. We’re in a really happy place right now, so hugs to all of you!

  15. Ay yi, life is beating some of us about the head today! (Mary, your in-laws accidently throwing out your ornaments makes me so sad! Ouch.)Um. Life is being so very good to me today and this whole week! My Dad was very sick and in the hospital all weekend–would maybe need surgery–upsetting all our elaborate & wonderful Christmas plans (Bahamas cruise, people!)–but he recovered and is fine! Also, my work just approved my volunteer request to help out at Eldest school all day tomorrow, so I get to be at her school and eat lunch with her and get PAID volunteer hours. Thank you, work, thank you! Very cool.
    I hope my chirpiness doesn’t piss anyone off–but I am feeling so grateful today, and so lucky. How about I be the proof that sometimes things do swing in our direction. I have plenty of crappy days, believe me. Hang in there, guys.

  16. Man, everyone needs hugs! And TempMoms to come bail them out!@AnotherAmy – can you ask a friend to help hoist the tree? The xmas tree place will put it on your car for you, you just need help getting it inside and upright!
    @Mary – Wow, sounds like your in-laws are passive-aggressive! The least they could do is fork some $$ over to replace what can be – not that all those treasured memories can be had again … my heart hurts for you!
    @Eep – Can you stay in the “old” house until after the baby arrives? Keep your OB and stay in the beloved house just a little longer? It’s just a few weeks – but then you wouldn’t want to be so far from your husband in those weeks … but … I’d hate to leave my OB mid-preg!!
    @Rosie – go to austismspeaks.org and order their “100 days” kit. My son is somewhere on the spectrum, no one can pinpoint where, and that kit is a HUGE HELP in navigating the shock, emotions, to-do lists, contacts, what-do-I-do-now feelings. Hugs to you.
    My stuff’s tame – money woes everconstant; I was diagnosed w/ two autoimmune diseases, and two heart valve leaks that “aren’t serious” but make me second-guess every exertion. Like hauling my 2-yr-old up the stairs at naptime. My leaden 2-yr-old. And I was diagnosed today w a rotator cuff injury, making said jaunts up and down stairs while carrying child tonnage scarier.
    I want to have another child too, but age/health (see above) have us seriously questioning the sanity of it.
    Moxie – Your day makes me want to call in sick for you!

  17. @erin – that sounds like a clear cut case to get a closer handicapped spot for the duration of your pregnancy! our state would definitely give you a placard for that

  18. Nasty, unrelenting head cold for me.Pinkeye for 18 month old (but it’s clearing up nicely).
    Realized how little $$ I have until next paycheck.

  19. Husband is on a business trip and I’m home full-time with the 15-month old. SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! First time alone with her for more than a day or two. I’m 8 wks pregnant and feel like crap. Just want to lay on the couch and veg but daughter can’t allow that. IL’s are coming to give me a break this afternoon and I can’t wait! Thanks Moxie, I feel a little better. And naptime is coming soon…

  20. I have been having crippling anxiety the week before my period (this week) since my second was born 14 months ago. Insomnia at night and panic during the day. It lifts for the other 3 weeks of the month, but I don’t know what to do about it for that one week of hell. It’s obviously hormonal, so antianxiety meds don’t seem like the answer (plus I don’t need them the other 3 weeks), I don’t tolerate The Pill very well, I’m still nursing & don’t plan to stop … I don’t even know which doctor would have the answer. My OB? My PCP? A psychiatrist? Do I just acknowledge it and muscle through for a week every month?

  21. Wow. I think you all should go read “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” — it always makes me feel a little better when I’m having one of those days… we had one of those months last month, so I’m just lying low over here.

  22. I’m eight weeks pregnant, which I’m happy about because I spent two years thinking a second baby would never happen for us. But to keep myself healthy during this pregnancy, I have to give myself heparin injections. Twice a day. Until six weeks postpartum.When I think about giving myself 500 more shots before all is said and done, I just want to give up. I’m just trying to remind myself that it’s a small price to pay for a healthy baby, healthy mom and the completion of our family.

  23. @ Nej: “According to “Wonder Weeks” we are in the middle of a growth/psychological leap. Which is fine, except the 2.5 yr old hasn’t read the “Wonder Weeks” and unless there’s a Wonder Pets episode about it, pretty sure that he doesn’t care. GGGRRRR!!!”Heeeeeeeee! I love the Wonder Pets :). Sorry…couldn’t help but laugh about that one. We’re about to enter the 18 month suckage (if we’re not already there…hello tantrums, waking up more at night and teething round 298!), so I feel your pain.
    Strangely, I have no primal scream in me today…so far.

  24. My problems are not really that serious, (in general I have a million things to be grateful for) but I am in a crappy mood today, so here are my woes:I broke my hand two months ago and the pinky/ring finger knuckles in three places. I got my cast off yesterday and I can’t bend those two fingers. And they hurt. Like scream out in pain when your three year-old accidentally bumps your hand and scare him and make him cry kind of hurt. My Dr. originally thought I wouldn’t need PT and now I need it 3-5 times a week (don’t have time for that) and won’t have the ability to make a fist for 2-3 months.
    My extended family is fighting about made up issues, and some of them are mad at me for something I didn’t do. Also, all of the drama is ruining traditional Christmas plans. They are doing this to avoid dealing with another family member’s very serious health issue, but it is exhausting. And depressing. And while I know I should suck it up, be the bigger person and attempt to make up with the people who are mad at me for no reason (even though I have my doubts that this would work), I really don’t feel like it/have time for the nonsense. And the family member in question’s health is just getting worse and I am worried about her and no one in any position of power seems to be willing to do anything about it because they are all too busy fighting with each other.
    I am 21 weeks pregnant and the only place the baby kicks me with any regularity is in the cervix.
    My work is kicking my butt. My industry is going through a historic change, and the projects I am working on right now is most likely the biggest projects I will ever work on. But instead of being excited about it, I just feel burned out and tired all of the time. I have a major project that was due oh, Monday morning, and I am barely a third of the way through it, have no interest in it, and am posting here instead.
    My contractor is not calling me back with an estimate I thought I would get on Saturday. I am desperate to see how much the home renovations that very much need to be done before this baby is born are going to cost us, and also to get the project moving along.
    One third of my house is demolished, including my office space. Displaced stuff is everywhere. Need to move a ton more stuff (like my entire work-space) out of the rest of the area to be demolished asap, like over the next two days while D is out of town on a week-long business trip.
    D is out of town on a week-long business trip.
    The non-demolished parts of my house are a wreck. I have five loads of laundry to do, three more clean to fold and put away and dirt and clutter everywhere. I am normally a pretty clean person, so it is driving me crazy, but the thought of cleaning it all up makes me want to move into a hotel instead.
    Apparently I volunteered to run the preschool book fair in two weeks, because hey I have nothing else to do two weeks before Christmas. Was I high at that parent’s meeting in September?
    Moxie–I hope things get much better for you soon!
    @eep–Dr. Camilla Hersh of Virginia Women’s Health Associates saved my life and M’s life when my placenta abrupted. I had great care from that practice for 7 years. They have ofices in Reston and Tysons Corner/deliver at Reston Hospital Center. We do not live in NoVA anymore, but did for ages, so email me if you have questions.

  25. That which doesn’t kill you…doesn’t kill you. I don’t know who posted that recently but I totally made it my FB update as soon as I read it. And through the floodgate likes followed. It’s a tough time of year.@rudyinparis – thanks for the ray of hope that things can and do work out. 🙂

  26. Ugh. Big hugs to all of you. My problems are small in comparison- just a toddler who is oh so two and prone to tantruming over some unpredictable part of her morning and/or evening routine every freaking day. Also, she can clearly control her bladder because she can squeeze out a few drops when she wants a potty treat but she is not too interested in actually potty training. I may just give up until after the holidays… but then I go back to work from my maternity leave with baby #2, and really, life is not going to get any easier at that point.@SarcastiCarrie- we had trouble introducing finger foods, too. This too shall pass. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I now have an excellent eater. But she does feed herself when she can be convinced to actually eat.
    @MrsHaley- I’d call the OB. He or she may be able to help you figure out a strategy. I got bouts of strong anxiety (almost paranoia, really) during both pregnancies. Mine didn’t last long enough to make me want to treat the problem, but it is really disturbing, isn’t it? Rationally, I’d know that I didn’t need to lie awake worrying about how my family would escape a wildfire, or what would happen if an out of control car crashed through my window, etc. But I couldn’t stop myself.

  27. Were sleep training phase 32 or something close, wish I could have just kept nursing him all night long for his sake but the pull of a mental institution was becoming a reality and I’m such a better Momma with some sleep or at least more than 90 minutes in a row.I lost my wedding rings over 3 weeks ago, no sign of them and I never lose anything. We had them blessed at our wedding so while insurance can replace them they are will never be the same to me.
    My 14 month won’t eat real food, unless its raisin’s, cheerio’s, and hummis. No veggies at all, makes me feel like a failure.
    My oven broke two days before Thanksgiving, they aren’t sure when the part might be made due to a slow economy. This is the second time the part broke and its a barely 3 year old $2000 range.
    Child care called in sick today and i spent my free time aka nap time trying to find replacement.
    Nothing to horrible around here just little stuff to build up, Thanks for letting me scream! Feels good.
    Moxie, I’ve been thinking of you, missing the posts but hoping that life starts making more sense.

  28. @elizabeth – I feel ya. My 15-month old won’t eat real food either except raisins, cheerios, and plain yogurt. I keep reminding myself that the US is a nation of overeaters so surely it will fix itself some day. But in the meantime I feel like a failure too. And mealtimes are a stressful, miserable time for both of us.

  29. My month-old baby was born six weeks early via emergency c-section (eclampsia). I was unconscious. My husband wasn’t there to see the birth (“birth”?), either, but he doesn’t really understand why it bothers me so much that nobody in our family was around to see our child come into the world.I am doing my best to take care of this baby, but to be honest on the rare occasions when I’m out of the house without the little one, I forget that I have a kid. I don’t feel resentful or anything toward the baby, don’t worry. But I don’t feel like someone’s mom, either.
    My husband is away for work for several months beginning in Jan. Right now I’m staying with his parents. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s away. I am secretly angry that he gets to leave.
    I feel unmoored and defeated. I had a life I liked before I got pregnant. I knew it would mean giving up at least my career to have a baby. And it has. I don’t mean to be melodramatic: I knew there was a cost, and I went in with my eyes open. I just didn’t know that the cost was going to feel like it was… everything.

  30. I already posted, but I just wanted to get this off my chest in case anyone else is feeling like this.I have felt bad for 4.5 years because I had a c-section with Chuckles, my first. Somehow, in my thick head, I thought/think that people are judging me for having a c-section, and I have been judging myself for just not trying harder or doing better. I’ve always wondered if I should have gotten an epidural so I could rest and save my strength for the pushing so I would be able to do it. I was/am committed to natural childbirth and think unnecessary c-section is terrible, blah blah blah. So, here I feel like I failed myself and my ideals by having a c-section. (And for some reason, when it comes up in conversation, people usually assume you just go in and have a c-section – not that I labored for 12 hours or pushed for 3…but I digress even further than I already had.)
    Now, mind you, I don’t feel bad about my second c-section because a complication (placenta previa with breech) made it medically essential. Never mind that the first c-section probably contributed to the complication in the second pregnancy. I don’t feel bad about that.
    So, here we are 4.5 years after my first c-section and I finally google “failed vacuum extraction”. And do you know what? I feel amazing, wonderful, like a weight has been lifted. I had already been pushing a few hours. I was at a good station. I was a perfect candidate for this to work. Once the VE fails, there is really no option but to do a c-section. And, it only fails to bring the baby out about 5% of the time (and is more successful in women with babies under 8.5 lbs and who received prenatal care). So really, I did all I could. I did all I could. The C-section IS NOT MY FAULT (it’t not even Chuckles’s fault). I’m near tears just thinking about how I am forgiving myself. I’m kicking myself for wasting mental energy these last 4 years over this. I have finally, finally convinced myself that yes, really, were it not for the c-section, one of both of us could have died. Yay to modern medicine.
    Whew. I feel better now.
    And pie. Because, pie.

  31. my 3-year-old won’t poop and it’s holding my family hostage. i just sent her to preschool with a system full of laxatives and mineral oil and prunes and flax oatmeal and whatever else she’s been holding onto for the last 8 million days, and i’m scared she’s going to rupture something keeping it all in (she’ll only poop in a pull up and she wears underwear to school and never poops outside of the home anyway). the pediatrician has counselled me to give her an enema tonight and every time i think about it i want to throw up, because they’re so traumatic to her and go against my every mothering instinct. i’m losing sleep over this, and gaining weight, and can’t think about anything else. and it’s so stupid, because… it’s poop. argh. my jeans are digging into my mummy tummy and it makes me want to set them on fire and throw them out the window.

  32. Oy! I’m 8 weeks along with #2 and want to die. Cant throw up but want to every waking(and sleeping) minute of my life. I had to sit down on the freezer case at the grocery store this morning. My kid only wants to eat hot dogs and eggs, both of which make me dry heave- the dog thinks that since its raining its okay to poop in the house- more heaving. I SOO want this baby – I cant wait for this baby- but so help me, it stole thanksgiving, if it gets Christmas were going to share some words.

  33. @ milliner: the 18 month suckage (if we’re not already there…hello tantrums, waking up more at night and teething round 298!)….oh…is that what’s happening? That explains so much. When does it end or at least lighten up?
    Biggest problem: wanting another baby so much, still not sure how/if that will happen, missing my mom who passed away during the summer and dreading the rest of the holidays without her.

  34. @anonforthis – I understand completely why you feel bothered by the fact that no one in the family witnessed your baby’s birth. I get it (see above).Traumatic childbirth and prematurity are both risk factors for PPD. Any disappointment surrounding the actual birth process is a risk factor. Now, I don’t know whether you have it, but you sound a lot like I did after Chuckles was born. I never saw anyone about it or took anything for it, and the feelings of loss and out-of-control got better over time. But, if I had it to go back and do over again, I would ask for help. Because who wants to feel like crap, right? Hindsight 20/20 and all that.
    Tell your doctor. Tell your husband, tell your best friend. Maybe all you need is some help, sleep, sunshine, and exercise. Who knows?
    My feelings eventually passed, but I felt terrible for 3 or 4 months after the birth and then had on-and-off bad feelings for a year. And that sucked. Especially when combined with the no-sleep-ever.
    And just because you chose this doesn’t mean it’s not hard and life-changing and redefining. I am offically cutting you a break on that. You chose it, but you’re hard-wired to choose procreation. And it’s hard.

  35. @poopy — Been there with my son when he was 2-3 and still in diapers. What worked for us after 9 months of withholding was a combination of M’n’M reward after he finally pooped and constantly reading the book “It Hurts When I Poop” by Howard J., M.D. Bennett and M. S. Weber. It’s a horrible feeling as a parent – especially when you are 99.9% sure it’s all in their heads and not actually a physical problem.Anyway, I don’t have anything to scream about today — things are going pretty well over all at the moment, but hugs to all of you going through tough times!

  36. @anonforthis – I am so sorry to hear your story.It seems totally reasonable to me to grieve that your baby’s birth had no witness in your family. That is an important moment in life.
    I know several people (including me and my baby) who felt unconnected from their babies after a traumatic or unconscious birth who were able to create a connection with their babies that felt more real and present through craniosacral work. If you are comfortable with gentle woo-woo stuff, you might look for a practitioner who is experienced with new mothers and babies.
    Lactation Consultants often have good referrals – this is where I got mine.

  37. I want out of my relationship but I don’t have any good reasons why except that I am unhappy. I have a loving partner, a healthy child, nice home, decent job, good friends and run of the mill dysfunctional extended family. But I’m not happy in the relationship. I’ve been told I need to find a sitter for some upcoming holiday parties and all I can think is just please go without me or you stay home and I’ll go without you. But I have no good reasons other than I am not happy and I think I’d rather be alone than with this person. This decent person who still loves me. Who very much wants to continue our life together. And then there’s the child. Splitting up a family simply because I’m not happy? Wasn’t my selfish gene supposed extinguish itself when my child was born? Because things aren’t bad. Reading this thread – things could be considered great. So basically I just suck. And that’s not at all the example I want to be for my child.

  38. @anonish – You don’t suck. I read somewhere (I can’t remember but I know I posted this here before) that if you poll married people and find out who is happy and who is not, and then come back in 5 years and poll again, it’s not predictive. So, this might just be a phase. It might pass. If you hold on for a year, it might get better. You might want to make some changes to your routine, hobbies, job, etc and see if that improves your happiness.I have no idea, but I did go through a phase of absolutely despising my husband in a most unflattering way, and we’re still married (and happily). It was about 2.5 to 3 years ago and lasted 6 months.
    Oh, I just remembered: I read about it in a book called “Babyproof Your Marriage”.

  39. @poopy – look around Moxie’s archives for “Poop Presents.” Your prob. sounds horrible — wouldn’t it be nice if something a joyful as presents would fix it?!?@anonforthis – Grace and peace to you. It sucks to be sad.
    @Cloud – Paranoia. Exactly. Thank you for hearing me — I just made an OB appointment for next Friday. I needed your little shove.
    @anonish – You. Do. Not. Suck. Your *feelings* are real and worthy of respect. Perhaps not worthy of action, but definitely respect and attention. It sounds like your partner will stand with you as you examine them. Go ahead. Look & listen.

  40. My 15 month old will still not drink cow’s milk. Which is okay I guess since there are other, arguably better, ways to get calcium. But the kefir and yogurt smoothies he likes are expensive, and I’m sick of day care asking me WHY he isn’t on milk already.Lame problem, I guess. But it always makes me feel like a terrible mother.

  41. @maria – the ornament story made me almost cry. I vote to ask for Christmas decorations for Christmas. :)@elizabeth – I tend to count rasins and hummis as veggies. There might be something really suprprising that the little one likes to eat. For a while La’s favorite veggies were watermelon and grapefruit.
    @anon – I had an unplanned, last minute, emergency c-section. (the induction worked just fine. the cord wrapped around El’s neck three times, not so much. 10 minutes from when the doc called C-section to baby cries.) It hit me a week later how scary it was, and that if not for modern medicine one or both of us might not be here. I want to tell more people about it, but I don’t want to scare pregnant ladies. Anyway – similarly, I did not feel like I had a baby in the early days. It was sort of scary, and like that feeling when the dental work is done but the side of your face is still numb. Had to be on the look out for forgetting I had her with me. Talking to your doctor, if only to help find some BTDT support might be helpful. El is now almost two and I feel very connected to her.

  42. My marriage is falling apart and I’m terrified and feel so, so alone. I’m drinking too much and not taking good care of myself to try to block it all out. I feel lost.

  43. We just moved my grandmother into a retirement home. She’s got Alzheimer’s and her working memory only lasts about 5 minutes at this point, so we had the “Why do I have to be here? I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. Why can’t I go home?” conversation about 30 times – each time ending with a heartbroken lady who has just realized for what feels like the first time that all her siblings are dead. The very next day she fell down after dinner and broke her hip (or maybe the hip broke and caused the fall…apparently that’s common) so now my mother is beating herself up for not making it clearer to the staff exactly how wobbly my grandmother was. So now she is in a hospital in a city that is just a little bit too far away for me to go visit – but close enough that I could if I was willing to drop everything.The next day I arrive at work to a very garbled email about my other grandmother possibly being in the emergency room at the hospital where I work, followed by a phone call to my father who has no idea where his mother is and could I maybe pop down and see if I can find her…followed by several hours in emergency which thankfully ended in her heading off to her Christmas party with a prescription in hand that will hopefully solve the problems that her doctor has effectively been ignoring for the past month (oh, that antibiotic didn’t work? Lets give you more of the same.)
    On the plus side we have rearranged our lives to need very little money which means my lovely husband can stay home and take care of me instead of having to choose between a job that means he is never home, and one that means he comes home miserable and late every night.
    @anonforthis – it actually took me years before I felt like a mom when I was out and about on my own. I eventually decided to just stop being bothered by it. And don’t worry, you’ll get your life back. Slowly…but it will happen. At least it is happening for me.

  44. It’s all sleep-deprivation, all the time, around here. I cannot BELIEVE that I now look back on my firstborn as a “good sleeper”. The 7-month old, in the past week, has got two teeth, pink eye, and a cold. Now he not only wakes up ever two hours, HE STAYS AWAKE FOR AN HOUR. I am dying. Wasting away from the lack of sleep. I’m actually ready to do CIO in some form or another, but cannot do it while he’s so sick. It’s “just” sleep deprivation, but today, it is kicking my ass every which way.

  45. @anonforthis at 1:47: I, too, felt like I was NOT someone’s mom. My kids (both) were planned & all, & I had a pretty boring birth experience but I still sort of felt like they fetched a kid out of cold storage while I was pushing and just handed it to me. Thus, what you write sounds sort of familiar. One thing that helped me most was a friend with kids who said, around that time, about her most recent, “Luckily she started smiling early [at 4 weeks], because I can’t really love ’em til they start smiling.” She was kidding, of course, only also not. Anyway, it took me longer than I thought it would, but I do now feel like someone’s mom, and all the career stuff that has passed me by (I’m mostly a SAHM) I can now attribute to me and my choices and not to my kids. Also, being a mom hasn’t made me love my pre-mom faves like Buffy or Led Zep or tacky police procedurals any less. I’m still the same as I was before. Just some of it I have to wait to enjoy after the kids are in bed. But both kids can sing the first verse of Black Dog, so it’s not all hidden away, either. Anyway, if you feel life-interfering-ly down, please do get help (dr or counselor or whatever you’ll be happiest with) but also, I just wanted to say, the weird life-dislocation can also be totally normal on the adjustment scale. Babies, even happy and planned, can be a huge adjustment, and I found that, like my friend said, that they seem like a lot of work for sort of an amorphous payout for the first few weeks. (Another book I read said the same thing, with the caveat, which I also found true, that, sure, the writer would gladly throw himself in front of a bus rather than see any harm come to his new daughter, but he still felt strangely disconnected those first weeks, too.)Please note: none of this is advice. I just thought, if it would help to know another’s story, I’d put mine out there. Best of luck to you. I hope you all hit your stride together soon.

  46. @ nej “the 2.5 yr old hasn’t read the “Wonder Weeks” and unless there’s a Wonder Pets episode about it, pretty sure that he doesn’t care” –thank you! That made me laugh out loud!@ rosie — sending love from a complete stranger in Seattle. You and your son will learn to thrive.
    @ eep — my friend just went through the same thing and the logistics were indeed hell…but the good news is…she LOVES Virginia and is happy they made the move despite it all.

  47. I spent an hour and a half at the Sears photo studio today and wound up with nothing but a migraine. No usable pictures. 2.5 year old ran around like someone had given her a cup of coffee, 3 month old just cried. In the end, I cried, too.On the up side, I finally realized that this feeling of impending doom and increasingly short-tempered personality I’ve developed is not normal. I see my OB next week and will ask for antidepressants or antianxiety medication.

  48. Well things are going pretty well for me except for IN MY HEAD. @Cloud – yes the anxiety! I feel like I wasn’t prepared for that part of being a mother, although maybe it’s a shade of PPD? Moments of anxiety – terror, really – about what could happen that just take my breath away. I spent the better part of a ride home the other day planning what I would do if my car went off the bridge and into the river – exactly how I would get the baby out. Granted, I do live in a city of bridges, but really.@anonforthis – I had what many would call a great birth/bonding experience with my baby, and still had that “am I a mother?” feeling after she was born. I would go out for an hour or two and people would ask if I’m missing the baby and I would say yes but think (no, really… not). Only now do I feel like it’s seeping into my bones. And yes, I do resent my husband for being able to go out and have a semblance of his former life whenever he wants (he’s in a band) while I am tethered to a small being that refuses to take milk from a bottle. I try to remember that he takes excellent care of us when he’s home, and that this is keeping HIM from feeling resentful of US, and one day, I’ll be able to go out for more than 2 hours at a time. And I second anontoo on the craniosacral work – for your baby and you. Or a regular massage, or as mentioned, sunlight and a good nap. Hormones are a sonofabitch, and they are amazingly powerful.

  49. @nej – I understand family obligations and emotional pressure but if I had to do it again I would have stood my ground and stayed home a lot more when T was under 12 weeks. We spent his first Christmas staying overnight at my in-laws because that’s what we’d always done and it just sucked. There’s no ice or snow but that might have been all I needed to refuse to get in the car and drive over. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!No good advice on how to calm E re the botched dentist visit except to try and keep talking about how you aren’t going back maybe? It could take a while. T is still asking periodically when we get in the car if we are going to the Dr for a pinch. Toddler minds are amazing. While I don’t love that I’m currently being held hostage at bedtime due to new fears of bugs hearing “me scared” followed by “mommy safe” is really cool.

  50. Perfect day for this post. My daughter’s therapist won’t continue to see my daughter anymore without her father’s consent. Her father from whom we basically fled because of his sociopathy and abuse. So, no, I’m not going to ask him to consent to therapy, and no, he is very unlikely to give it if asked.My lawyer is not calling me back and time is ticking on this latest round of the legal rigamarole.
    And finally – I learned yesterday that he bought a brand new truck. Probably $30,000. Probably cash. Meanwhile, neither my daughter nor I have health insurance and my financial situation is totally unstable. And he’s filed a complaint asking me to pay his legal costs.
    I’m trying to come up with a new way to approach this. The court/legal system as it exists is entirely unequipped to cope with this situation and the unanimous opinion of the lawyers and police officers and therapists I’ve gone to with these problems is that I just have to “make the best of it” in court and hope for either a sympathetic judge or for my child’s father to basically be unwilling or unable to go through the process. And there is no question at all about the fact that she will have to see him. No court will prevent that despite the copious amounts of documentation I have backing up the fact that it’s not in her best interests.
    How did I end up the villain in this tragedy??

  51. @ lwh – I’ve been in the same situation for both my pregnancies. Rather than heparin 2x/day I’ve had lovenox 1x/day most of the time. But either way, it may seem like a tremendous thing now but it really does become part of your daily routine. Hurts some days and gives you lovely black and blue marks sometimes, but well worth it to keep you healthy and have a healthy baby in the end! Hang in there.

  52. @SarcastiCarrie – totally get the c section thing. I had one 32 hours after water broke, two bouts of pitocin, finding out my fluids had never been turned on (I was SO thirsty!)… Perfect storm and I only progressed two to five cm. Who knows as I felt like the whore of Delaware what with 12 different nurses checking me, three different drs on call… Days later my husband was sharing a beer with a friend outside and from inside I heard their conversation. My husband was able to express his disappointment in the c-section to his friend. He had counted on a vaginal birth as much as I had. I was glad he could express it an understood that he was protecting my feelings by not telling me the same thing but was bummed we weren’t sharing with one another. I was so disappointed in my darn hips! I’ve forgiven myself in the past 16 months but it took a while and I still dot like my (surprisingly well healed) scar.So with baby #2, the low lying placenta put me on bedrest this week. My dr is mildly discouraging me from VBAC but also makes me feel that whatever I decide is fine. I’m tempted to go thru a birthday book and choose a csection date based on a kick ass birthday!
    @poopy: push clear fluids and sit with her in the potty so she doesn’t feel alone. Also, deep backrubs to help get thugs moving. Your pull up story is SO common. My nephew did the same thing. And he regressed when his sister was born. The ped had him pooping in his pull up then he had to empty the pull up into the toilet himself and flush. I thought that was gross. It came down to his family visiting us for dinner. Afterwards, I made a little fuss about having to poop and I bet him that he couldn’t het to the toilet and poop before me. Giggling race ensued. He pooped. Come to think of it my SIL still owes me $100.00!
    @anonish (?): I have phases like that and i’m with a great guy whom I’m pretty sure is my sole/soul mate. I cling to one friend’s offhand comment, “Occasionally, I look at [my husband] and think, ‘what did I DO to myself?!'”
    Also, the woman who married us had us read a book called the five languages of love. It’s great. Maybe you both need to reassess how to show and feel love from the other. Maybe what you need is less quality time but more acts of service? I dunno. Give it time. It’s not all bells and whistles all the time. But if it endures and you really feel like you tried then it’s time to consider bigger changes.
    @anonforthis – it takes time to feel like “someone’s mom” for now just take care of your blob– I mean baby. Enjoy the time away feeling free. Soon enough, personality will define the bugger — I mean baby — and you will become more attached. It’s not always a magical moment. The birth of my 1st certainly wasn’t. And since he was born I rarely have the time or inclination to paint. Yep, creative careers are hard with all energy going towards knowing that this type of fussy means hungry but that type means tires. Blech. I keep thinking I’ll get a semblance of my life back when the youngest is 3.
    Time flies.
    Right?

  53. @AnonforThis- I didn’t really feel like a mother for months, maybe even a year, after my first daughter’s birth. Don’t worry- that will come. But I agree with SarcastiCarrie. Maybe you should talk to someone about your feelings and rule out PPD. Or check out Moxie’s archives on PPD. Also, you will get the parts of your pre-baby life that are most important to you back, in time. Right now, you’re in a very intense transformation period. But my experience was that it got better over time. And now I love my new life.@SarcastiCarrie- I’m so glad you have forgiven yourself! I had an epidural, and have always sort of blamed that for the fact that I almost had a c-section first time around. I think we’re all too hard on ourselves about the birth experience. Sometimes things just don’t work the way they “should”. Anyway, I did more research before the birth of baby #2, and went in prepared to “do better”, whatever that means. Then, SURPRISE!!! Baby was breech and big… so I had a C-section.
    Anyone feeling like a C-section was a cop out or something like that can take it from me: the vaginal birth was far easier. Sure, the actual birth was easier with a C-section, but the recovery was so much suckier.
    Also, I think the important part happens after the birth. That’s what turns you into a “real” mother, not the actual birth.
    @Maria- big hugs. You are strong. You will get through this. You’re not the villain. (And the new truck would totally peeve me, too.)

  54. OK, I know I’m going to be blasted for saying this, but here goes anyway, because it’s been festering for awhile now…I really, really appreciate this site, but have been really disappointed by the lack of content about what it used to be…what happened to answering questions that people had about parenting or childcare? I know it’s your site and you’re entitled to use it as you wish, but I really miss the advice I used to get here.
    Seems to me that venting about personal issues or had bad life is (I’m sorry, but I feel like every time I check in to see what has been posted, that’s what I find) isn’t what this site was supposed to be about.

  55. @anon @ 3:54 – I think we all feel similarly but are sympathetic to the fact that Moxie is going through a lot and doesn’t have the time or energy to devote to this site like she used to. Maybe this site was what she needed at the time…and maybe it isn’t that time anymore.

  56. Not sure if this was already said b/c I can’t read all the comments before I have to go, but:@Mrs.Haley: I totally had that! Talk to your OB and if you haven’t tried just switching pill brands, that is what worked for me. Seriously, I was having anxiety meltdowns, crying at work, etc., on the first pill. I switched brands and had a little nausea the first month and now nothing. Worth a try!
    @anon for this: I am so sorry for your miserable situation with your marriage. I don’t know you but with the drinking and the situation that would be hard on anyone, I think that you should make up your mind to enlist support from at least one person right away. If you are worried about being judged, then contact a someone (a therapist? social worker? favorite aunt you haven’t talked to in 10 years? pastor?) and talk through a plan for getting through the next week.
    @anonforthis: it can take a while to bond. My son just turned two and all of the sudden he completely charms me. Before, I wondered why I didn’t have the same instant bond at birth that I did with my older daughter. I say, be patient and kind with yourself and give it a chance.

  57. 6 weeks along with #2, and just not coping well. I’m so overwhelmed by the future. Morning sickness, choosing health care providers, getting ready for the holidays, dealing with my spirited preschooler, labor, life with a newborn. I’m paralyzed. The house is a mess, no clean clothes, no groceries. I’m sitting on the sofa watching TLC and surfing the web. Sent the boy to grandma’s house. I just hope I get back on my feet soon. I have a friend coming to stay for the weekend who I want to be able to relax and have fun with. The thought of not feeling well while with other people makes me so anxious. Its a vicious cycle. End of rambling.

  58. my oldest son was running after a ball that rolled into the street on Friday of Thanksgiving weekend. He ran right into a moving truck. So, technically, my son was hit by a car last week.He is fine, bruised, bumped and road rashed up, but fine. I on the other hand, am less so. Today after coming home from some errands, we were in the driveway of our house, and a car was driving down the street, and it was all I could do to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs. I had all 3 kids in sight, no one was moving, but I was FLIPPING OUT.
    I’m wondering if I’ll ever get back to a point where I don’t fear them being out of my sight and beyond my grasp.

  59. My problems are soo minor compared to these. I have only one and I am not even going to write it down because I totally know how to solve it, and I have the knowledge and ability to solve it. I’m just not doing it. I don’t know why. It’s keeping me up at night and at 2 a.m. I keep thinking, “Do it, just do it!” and then morning rolls around and I fritter my time away doing other things instead. Sigh… maybe that’s my problem – I am the worlds worst procrastinator. I spent two hours on a computer last week googling “how to stop procrastinating”. Which is kind of comical.

  60. @anon @ 3:54 (why do these always look like biblical quotes to me?): I agree on the missing Moxie as well, although there is therapy in the group scream/vent/wail/commiseration, and it really warms my cockles to see people reaching out to others through these posts. It seems many don’t have another way to find support, or haven’t yet.That said, there are so many talented posters here, maybe Moxie could enlist some “guest” Moxies for a while so she could take a break? Just a thought.

  61. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d really like to send a pretty Christmas decoration to the person who lost hers to the in-law purge.

  62. Definitely a good day for primal scream. I feel like my depression is returning slowly and I don’t have control over it, which scares me. I had a fight with my husband last night (which I picked) and then I took it out on my daughter today. Nice.Tomorrow can only be better, I suppose, but today I feel like a selfish bitch.
    I feel for everyone chiming in today, for all of the various reasons.

  63. @anonforthis – you’re doing great. Hang in there. For months I felt like I was taking care of someone else’s baby, and I was PRESENT (in a screaming sort of way) for the oh-so-natural childbirth.Also, tell your husband that he owes you a giant STACK of chocolate, 2 footrubs a day, and a shopping spree in exchange for going away, or you’re going to smack him. Repeatedly.
    (It’s important to keep those hubbies in line) 😉

  64. 1. Monkeymama-I love the idea of guest Moxies…the compassion in the replies here today show real promise.2. Anonforthis-I am not saying anything new compared to lots of other people, but I think that it is good to hear how common it is. It took me months, maybe a year to really begin to feel as if I was someone’s mother. I loved my son and would protect him against anything-but I felt as if I was forcing the feelings a lot of the time. One of the things that helped me was that a good friend told me that she had a really hard time suddenly being a family of three. Hearing that before he was born offered me someone “safe” to talk with when I was feeling down. Your comment reminds me how important it is to pay that forward and tell a new pregnant friend how I felt…not necessarily that she will feel that way, but that I did.

  65. Mrs Haley — I would seek out a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor with acupuncture if at all possible. Mine worked WONDERS with issueds of anxiety / PMS / hormonal mood fluctuations/ joy issues generally. I cannot recommend it highly enough if you can find someone certifed in Traditional Chinese Medicine AND acupuncture.To everyone whose kids WILL NOT EAT FOOD or DRINK MILK: My son, was the exact same and around 15-18 months starting enjoying food and is now the best eater of any kid I know (he’s 3 now and eats wonderfully). He has never taken to milk but I give him a calcium supplement w/ Vitamin D daily and his doctor has no worries. I stressed SO MUCH about his eating, for no reason at all in the end. Please don’t waste your time! There is nothing you can do about it. Please read “My Child Won’t Eat” (I think that’s what it’s called) It will put your mind at ease. The advice, and please trust it, is offer healthy food choices, and trust that their bodies will take what they need. Hugs!

  66. My primal scream seems relatively vain and petty but here goes:Last Friday, our family took an overnight vacation to the big city. I got my first free day while hubby babysat our 10-month-old. I took the opportunity to get some much-needed beauty treatments. Got my hair cut and highlighted and got my eyebrows waxed.
    The brow lady (new to me) put something on my lids that burned them and the hairstylist (also new) used some chemical that seems to have scalded my scalp.
    When we returned from the trip that same day, we found a trail of fire ants from the patio to our son’s high chair. In an ant-killing frenzy, I received several nasty ant bites on my arm.
    So today, nearly a week later, my eyes are swollen, itchy, and peeling. My arm has mostly healed, but my head and the top of my ears still feel cooked. YIKES! I need to see a doctor.

  67. @Julie – YES! it would give this Jewish mama a good excuse to buy some of the pretty ornaments I keep seeing when I wander through Pottery Barn and imagine my alternate rich-person life.What’s your preference for ornaments (glass? colors? fabric? silver/gold? animals or angels or snowflakes?), and where do we send them?

  68. Ooohh-A second idea that I love. I would be happy to send an ornament with a story of how our family made or picked it out. I know that it is not the same as years of sentimental ornaments, but they would be filled with stories and good wishes.

  69. i’m in for an ornament! moxie, or julie, a post office box addy?santa brought some every year while we were growing up so we’d have some sentimental stuff even on our very first trees, and the thought of an in-law throwing them out…they’d better have had an iron-clad excuse! i’d be burningly mad & stay that way. likely forever. and i’m a scorpio – forever means forever. they’d better never let down their guard. did i give away your dog/silverware/car/photo albums? oops! sooo sorry…
    hugs to everyone, especially maria. i swear, sometimes it sounds like the mama underground would be the way to go, huh?
    a small bright spot – yesterday was my son’s third birthday. his physical therapists spent 6 months trying to teach him to jump, but all it took was a toddler trampoline, the kind with a handle. boy can’t get enough of jumping!

  70. @marci – what a wonderful story! Yay for trampoline! Yay for fun over therapy. Maybe we should all just try to have fun & laugh more…

  71. @anonforthis–The transition from working woman to mom was very hard for me, too. I remember sitting late at night, rocking my daughter, thinking how lucky my husband, single friend across the street, etc., were that they could just hop in the car and go anywhere they wanted, anytime. No one depending on them for their next meal. No strings attached. The freedom…So many moms I’ve encountered aren’t willing to talk about how hard it really is. It is so hard sometimes. But it does get better. A dear friend, who was always very *real* when discussing these sorts of things, recommended a book called “Mother Shock” to me. I found it very reassuring to know that there were other people out there struggling with the adjustment to motherhood like I was. Not a book I’d buy, but if your local library has it, it might be worth a look.
    @h, thanks for the words of encouragement.

  72. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I felt like I couldn’t turn the “Momma” off when I first had my son. I *couldn’t* ever forget that I had a baby, even in the few times that I got time away alone, and I kind of resented that. I needed a break like you wouldn’t believe and my mind wouldn’t let me have it. It’s interesting that no matter what your issue is, it is so hard to become a mother. We all deserve a LOT of credit… especially all of you who are baking subseqent buns. I have no idea how you care for a child while pregnant. I’m way more nervous about getting pregnant with the second than I was with the first.

  73. @lwh & anonforthis: Amen. The transition from woman to mother was so hard for me. My son is now almost 3, and I feel fully woman AND mother. It took time. Peace and hugs…

  74. Hugs and margaritas for everyone.@eep If you do have to move to NOVA or have questions contact me life.misc@gmail.com
    We live in NOVA and I would be more than happy to help answer questions or help you in any ways that you can think of.

  75. I’d be glad to do the ornament thing as well.My primal scream is kind of petty but here goes. So my job was eliminated and I find out the Friday before Thanksgiving. Boo! But I subsequently interview for and get another job with my company. Its a HUGE paycut but I can work from home and eliminate my 1 hr and 15 minute one-way commute. Which is going to be so awesome with having a preschooler (who got into the kick ass preschool run by our excellent school district) and a 4 month old.
    But the IT guy is being a twit about setting me up to work from home. And our mortgage refinance keeps requiring more and more paperwork and proof of this or that (and we have excellent credit). Plus the 4 month old is going through some sort of growth spurt and nursing non-stop in the night. So I.AM.TIRED. Especially brutal since he had been sleeping through the night. But this shall pass.
    @nej…I think you are in CO. I have a dentist who is AWESOME with kids if you are interested. She’s in Littleton and my 3 yr old can’t wait to go back.
    I completely understand missing the Q&A. It is indeed heart-warming seeing the compassion and advice on today’s post (and the last one as well). Not to mention all the kind ladies who e-mailed me when I asked for advice on working/pumping. The classes aren’t really my bag but I would pay for Moxie forums.

  76. @anon @ 3:54 — I know there hasn’t been as much Q&A content as there once was, but there is still quite a bit — and personally I feel grateful for whatever Moxie’s able to do. And through the “vent” posts I feel like I get to know many of the frequent commenters just a little bit, which I think is kind of nice. I hope you don’t take this as a “blast,” please take me at my word when I say I don’t mean it as such. But perhaps it’s worth managing your expectations in light of everything else Moxie’s got going on, and the fact that this isn’t a paid gig for her.In the real problems department: inexpressibly sad about the suicide of someone I was just getting to know. Please, anyone who ever finds themselves considering suicide, refer back to Moxie’s post “Don’t Go.” Please, please, please.

  77. I try to scream, but am just too fatigued. The twins are eight months old, but right now it’s a little like the fog of when they were just born. Colds making it very difficult for DD to fall asleep, well into the night (sometimes into the morning). They must be producing their own body weight in snot every twenty-four hours, making it difficult to breathe or use a pacifier.For the past month have slept on the futon downstairs near the pack & play more often than in my own bed. Daughter will cry herself to sleep, sometimes (more often than not), but she shares a room with her brother and one agitated child is sufficient at 1am. Beautiful wife is five months pregnant (a surprise to us!) and has a bad enough back already, so gets the comfortable bed.
    Live away from family and have been moving too much for past few years (grad school, various jobs) to develop friends who could watch the wonderful tykes for a few hours so we can just sleep.
    Excited that after years of trying will now have an (almost) instant family. Scared at the same time. Want to let the little ones know they are loved and treasured, and that life should be fun. Already the dog is neglected. Just hope there is enough of me to go around to all.
    The level headed nature and extensive personal stories on this blog have been invaluable late at night when could not understand what in the world was going on with our little ones. Now fear exclusion for being a father (we can be quite annoying) and posting here.

  78. @anon @ 3:54 — I know there hasn’t been as much Q&A content as there once was, but there is still quite a bit — and personally I feel grateful for whatever Moxie’s able to do. And through the “vent” posts I feel like I get to know many of the frequent commenters just a little bit, which I think is kind of nice. I hope you don’t take this as a “blast,” please take me at my word when I say I don’t mean it as such. But perhaps it’s worth managing your expectations in light of everything else Moxie’s got going on, and the fact that this isn’t a paid gig for her.In the real problems department: inexpressibly sad about the suicide of someone I was just getting to know. Please, anyone who ever finds themselves considering suicide, refer back to Moxie’s post “Don’t go,” and DON’T. Please, please, please.

  79. @Raia, To be honest, one of my next things to do is to search the Moxie archives to brush up on the 18 month thing. I’m pretty sure there’s a sleep regression at this age. And also the mid-year freak-out thing. And yay for us! We get to experience it during the holidays. Yippeee.I’m in the midst of trying to figure out if L is teething (canine teeth coming in) or if it’s a developmental funk + cold (runny nose, fever today and unusual crankiness, but still plays well and eats well). The daycare educators are mixed. Some think it’s teeth, some think he’s sick. I’m not sure weather to keep him home, go see the doctor or send him to daycare again. I’d just take another sick day, but I’ve taken a lot recently, so I’m trying to show my face at work. Argh.

  80. And oh yeah…L went to bed at 7pm, and has woken up at 8:30 and 9:15 already so far. I hope this isn’t an indication of what’s in store overnight.

  81. I was gonna primal squeak earlier: minor hangup in remodel project, showering at the gym due to remodel project=really bad hair, boss who is an overgrown boy was having one of his annoying days today…but I just walked home a mile uphill on a bracing 39-degree evening, through a beautiful secret stairway under a full moon, holding the hand of a dear little Mouse in new red boots, who chatted sweetly and didn’t complain *the whole way*. That pretty much knocked out the screaming.For everybody who needs to scream tonight, and man, there are some hard times in these comments, I’m sending you hugs, ornaments, and pie!!
    (And seriously, I have about 100 blown glass ornaments that came from my grandmother – I love them and I’d love to send you one to rebuild your collection.)
    @abby, that sounds terrifying, I’m so glad your son is OK, and I think it’s completely normal to have a long hangover from the kind of adrenaline rush that comes when something like that happens. It took me about a week and a half to get past a near (inch and a half) miss Mouse had with a car last year. One of my yoga teachers helped me with some energy work to release the stuck stress–if you’re into that sort of thing, email me at the address in my link and I’d be happy to share. (It took me months to get over watching Mouse’s breathing like a hawk after she got hospitalized with RSV and a blood oxygen of 85% as a toddler – but I did, eventually. I really think it’s normal for a mom. It takes a while to believe they’re safe once you’ve seen them unsafe, because in a way you don’t want to forget it.) Hang in there.

  82. @Wm G- fathers are very much welcome here, particularly the kind who sleep on the futon taking care of sick babies so that their wives can sleep!Hang in there. Your little ones will know that they are loved and treasured, because they clearly are.
    Perhaps those of us who are missing the Q&As should think about how we can support Moxie financially so that she can take a car service home and skip her dreadful commute every once and awhile. Click through to buy our holiday gifts from Amazon? Just donate some cash? I, too, miss the parenting Q&A, but figure that since Moxie has to have a day job, I’ll take what I can get.

  83. Count me in on the ornament idea!I’m not sure who to commiserate with or console first! I, too had a c-section with my first that took a LONG time to get over. There was lots of guilt over that one, but at least I knew going into the second one, and could make peace with it.
    My niece had the pooping issue too. What finally worked was when everyone stopped talking about it, making it a big deal. She confessed to my sister-in-law that the first time she pooped in the potty, everyone said “Good job!” and she didn’t like that. Wanted it low-key, I guess. Too bad it took months of laxatives and tears to understand…
    I guess I should thank all of you with “real” problems for making me realize how good I have it. I think karma will have something great in store for you , sooner or later!

  84. we met with my mother’s oncologist this afternoon and found out that her cancer has been growing and now she needs to start on chemo and she is devastated and i am not ready for my mother to die.and on her way into our driveway this morning, she drove our car into oncoming traffic and now it is all smashed up and no one’s insurance is going to cover a rental car and we need one in order to get my 2 year old to preschool. and he is really upset that our car got an “owie”.
    and i am afraid i am going to fail my class because i had to stay home and take car of my son when he was sick with flu/cold and i had surgery to remove a suspicious lump from my neck which turned out to be nothing but the anesthesia made me sick for a week and i am still getting migranes 3 weeks later.
    thank you for this outlet.

  85. I have lots of things to feel grateful for, but while we’re screaming…Had to give up exclusively breastfeeding my daughter last week, on doctor’s orders because she has fallen so far off her growth chart, it’s not funny. Not actually losing weight but really not gaining at all, for like 2.5 or 3 months (she’s only 5.5 months old). It looks like the entire reason is poor milk supply on my part, despite good help from experts and taking boatloads of supplements/meds. An inanimate object could lactate on this stuff, and it’s not cutting it for me. I feel very disappointed in my body and sad that breastfeeding isn’t ending on my terms. But grateful that there’s not a more serious cause (that we know of) for the poor weight gain.
    DH has been looking for a job for almost a year now (since dropping out of his PhD program) and is really, really down on himself. We’re fortunate that financially, we’re ok, but the stress is really starting to weigh on us, and I just feel really sad that he feels so crappy about himself.
    We are moving across the province a month from today and have exactly one box packed. But it’s ok, it’s not like there’s anything happening in the next month…right?

  86. I’d love to do an ornament too. I feel guilty all the time for not having the time, energy, gumption, whatever, to do more giving and service kind of things, but I can handle one ornament to help a fellow Moxie-ite!@marci… If there’s a mama underground, count me in. I need it like crazy. I’m wracking my brains for alternatives – call my senator? Take an ad out in the local paper telling the truth and take away his false front of being a normal person? Call Amnesty International and ask for help? Find a lawyer who will go after him in a civil suit for psychological damage and financial harm to my child and me? I’m taking suggestions; it’s clear that The System is not going to be of much help or use to me.

  87. @anonforthis: something you said that I don’t think anyone has touched on yet… that you knew what you were doing and planned this thing but never really realized it would feel like you gave up EVERYTHING.I so get that. I was like that too. At one point when Munchkin was a few weeks old my DH and I confessed to each other that we both felt regret. What have we done? We want our old life back. This is too much, I gave up too much of me. I don’t want this, it isn’t what I thought. Take it back. I change my mind.
    It’s hard to admit this but I just didn’t realize how big the change is. I just didn’t know. But I did love my baby and never wanted to give her up or lose her, but I was really GRIEVING for the loss of the old pre-mom me. So I had this weird conflict going on. I kind of think from your post that’s how you feel too.
    Munchkin is now 2 1/2 and driving me bonkers up the wall but the feelings I had in those first 6 weeks are totally gone, and I’ve learned how to do this new life, to be this new person who is a mom and a woman and has a career too. And I’m 33 weeks pregnant and really hoping that the change isn’t as big this time around and I can adapt better. But we’ll see.
    My primal scream is around said 2 1/2 year old who drives me bonkers. Right now she has 7-8 tantrums a day. She is just SO DETERMINED to get her way no matter how ridiculous. The latest tantrum… asked for Cheerios, I gave her some, she says “no, too much!” and I say “oh did I give you too much?” and she says “no, I WANT too much!”. I say “honey I’m not giving you too much. You have enough.” and the tantrum ensued.
    Plus I had leaking amniotic fluid at 29 weeks (super scare) and in the ultrasound they did to check my fluid levels they found I have a low lying placenta. Just got another ultrasound at 32 weeks and its still low lying. That plus the fluild plus the extremely painful sciatica and hip problems… this pregnancy has sucked.

  88. I am super grateful that Moxie has chosen today for a “Scream” day. It seems to me that commenters share both the good and bad, and I love getting a peek into everyone’s lives. I’ve also been waiting for one of these posts as I’ve been having a hard time lately and need some perspective.My husband owns his own business, and with the economy, it has been getting worse and worse and worse and worse. Our marriage has gone with it. His work is his identity, and going from being very successful to barely scraping by has left him pissed off and stressed and, really, just mean and moody (for the past 2.5 years). I know that he takes out his frustration on me because I’m his “safe zone,” but I’m really tired of being the scapegoat. Our gorgeous daughter just turned one last week, and while I love her to pieces, her infancy also really threw me for a loop. My husband was so busy with work he was completely unavailable to provide any support at home, I don’t think I have ever felt as alone as I did during her first few months. Now that the holidays are on us again, I feel like I’m experiencing post-traumatic stress from what we went through last year at this time.
    I’ve just transitioned from part-time to full-time to try to help out more at home, but of course I’m feeling terrible about leaving my daughter for so many hours. And, I’m just not sure that our marriage can be saved at this point–we’re so disconnected emotionally and physically. I’m relieved when he’s not around. My parents are divorced and I REALLY wanted something different for my daughter, but at what cost?

  89. @Melba- for what it is worth, I found the transition from zero to one to be really, really hard, too. I’m in the midst of the transition from one to two, and its much easier. Being a mother of two kicks my butt some days (and oh, do I hear you on the 2.5 year old and the tantrums! We are there, too.) but this time around I know that everything is just a phase and that it will pass and I will get two minutes to myself again.

  90. Wow – this is a great post just what I need – an excuse to whine. So here goes it!In the span of about 2 weeks two people died and I am very sad about both of them. It is difficult to grieve and simultaneously put on a happy face for your four year old.
    The four year old is this amazing person who I am so lucky to be the parent of. And yet there are days when she makes me want to pull all my hair out piece b piece and just run screaming screaming to the hills. And of course I feel guilty about feeling that way and I should be so grateful that she is healthy and isn’t dead, dying, or having some incurable illness/disability or other calamity. I try to remember that if she were taken away from me I would miss the tantrums and the talking back and the gimmees like I would miss my very breath.
    I am living in complete and utter denial of our crappy finances and the very real possibilities of both my husband and my jobs getting defunded by local or state budget cuts and we live in the second most expensive city in the US (First is NYC I believe and than us lucky San Franciscans).
    I really am just in a state of grief but the fact that my period is due any minute now isn’t making things any better. Especially since I would love to be pregnant again but that would just be incredibly stupid – see finances above.
    We have to do the SF school lottery system for dd to enter kindergarten next year and the very thought of this whole thing sends me in to a state of panic and fear.
    My house is an absolute wreck.
    Now I feel better.

  91. @anonish @2:04 – I wish you strength as you unravel the enigma that is your unhappiness. “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix helped me a lot when I was grappling with similar feelings in April ’08. And today I’m still married to him; so very grateful I did not act in haste when I thought DH was my problem.@anontoday, too @2:46 – “But both kids can sing the first verse of Black Dog” – where are hell are the cool moms like you where I live? 🙂 Our 25 mo old DS threw the biggest tantrum he ever had this weekend when we tried to take “Immigrant Song” off repeat (he says he loves the screaming). He also loves watching “The Song Remains the Same.” Cracks me up.
    @maria – There are certain men out there to whom I’d like to say, “I’ve got a shotgun & a shovel and I doubt anyone would miss you.” (Yes, that’s indeed a quote from the movie “Clueless.” … love it, love it). But in all seriousness, I am sending many positive thoughts your way and am so glad you are part of this community!
    @Mary – Yes – please let us know where we could mail you an ornament. I would love that.
    Now my turn for what is definitely not a “real problem.” There is a woman who I really can’t stand ( – this is a rare thing for me. I like just about everyone.) She is the wife of one of DH’s partners, and this is a small town, so I have had to make nice. I started hating her when after about a year of waiting for it, though it wouldn’t have been any trouble for her, she had never done anything to help me fit in or make friends here. And I was secretly expecting her to do something, anything, even some small gesture, and for the longest time I took her failure to even pick up the phone and ask “hey how are you?” or invite me to do something as a major rejection. She recently joined my book club, and I’ve come to realize that no one actually likes her. And that realization makes me feel a sick sort of validation. I don’t know what to do with these hateful emotions. I’m not usually like this. I guess I feel constrained by the small size of our community and the fact that I will never completely escape her. Part of me would like to have a chat with her that began with the underused phrase “Look bitch, ….” 🙂

  92. rosie – It gets better. I was relieved to discover my son’s diagnosis, but I often have mixed feelings – despair, sadness, regret, guilt. I hope things get better for you and that you find some awesome support.At the moment I am just really cranky with my hb. I feel like he does nothing around the home to help, and I spend all of my time cleaning up after him. I spend three days a week taking my eldest to therapy so whilst I am a SAHM I am super busy and next year there will be more…
    We are flying across the country in two and a half weeks and I feel so unprepared and anxious and nervous about the whole enterprise. night-time flying with a 5yr old ASD and a 1 yr old is not my idea of fun!
    Also, I am going away for 3 days in January, and it will be my first time away from the 1 yr old, and the longest I have been from the 5yr old, and they will be in a strange house with people they don’t know and I am worried sick about how they will cope. and how I will cope. And at the same time I can’t wait because I really really want a break and some real ‘me’ time with no babies, or husbands or anybody wanting me.
    ugh.

  93. @nikki, I struggled with low supply and had to supplement due to poor weight gain (from the beginning in my case).I took everything under the sun (weaning off domperidone now). at 15 months, we’re still nursing, so supplementing doesn’t mean the end if you don’t want it to. If you need any support, I highly recommend the Yahoo mobi group.

  94. Just wanted to post again after reading all the comments to say I can’t believe how many women felt the same difficulties in transition to mommyhood that I did! My baby was so very wanted and planned for, I had tons of experience with babies and really thought I knew what parenthood would be like. And then I spent the first six months crying and mourning desperately for my single life. I still feel like that sometimes (a year later), though I feel more like somebody’s mother now. I also felt mild crippling anxiety (if that’s a category) in the first few months postbaby about taking the baby anywhere – I had this fear that I couldn’t handle it, somehow. I mean, to the grocery store, anywhere. Why is the transition to parenthood so hard? Is this a modern/cultural problem, or a “natural” response to the shock? I wonder how much of it has to do with how isolated and lonely and unsupported most of us seem to be.

  95. @Erin I posted earlier our little boy was also very much planned and I had troubles adjusting.But you said something else that caught my attention. I had horrible anxiety. I would walk down the stairs in our old victorian house while carrying the baby and I would have flash images of the two of us falling down the stairs, or on the concrete sidewalk. They did not happen too often, but they were noticable. I thought I was crazy, but as I talked with friends I heard that the anxiety and visions were also very common.

  96. My primal scream is that I’m so sick of being sick! 3 months of pre-school, and we’re freaking sick all the freaking time. This latest was a really bad one, too. Now, I’m crazy busy at work trying to catch up from what I missed being out sick.Because of that, I’m late to the party here. Didn’t get through all the comments. I will try to later. I had a lot replies to people, but just can’t do them all now. I’ll just do one:
    @eep – I live in the DC area and have a fantastic OB. They have offices all around the area, and I’m happy to recommend them. Also, my sister went to midwives, and highly recommends them. I can get you their names too. They are in MD, but if you don’t want to go to MD, they can probably recommend someone in NoVA. BTW, my sister moved up here when she was 8 months pregnant with her first, and it actually went well. Of course, all our family is here, so she had that help. But you have this network, and I’m sure those of us in the DC area would be honored to help! I know I would. Feel free to email me for information!

  97. Oh, right…the anxiety. The first few times I drove with the baby in the car, I kept thinking, “Why are all these people driving so fast and so close to me? Don’t they know I have a *baby* in the car?” I guess that’s where the ‘Baby on Board’ signs came from. Hee hee.But the anxiety…on our vacation this summer, I practiced keeping both kids and myself afloat in the water…just in case. And for Christmas, I asked Santa to bring me one of those tiny hammers that lets you break the car windows in case you wind up underwater and can’t open the doors or power windows. You know, just in case.
    But, this anxiety and these visions I have are not crippling (any more) and don’t prevent me from doing anything (much) that I otherwise want to do. That, I think, is the difference.

  98. @SarcastiCarrie my anxiety got much better after the first year and the flashes never kept me from doing anything. They were just disturbing.

  99. Sending hugs.@eep. I live in NoVa and can recommend OBs (or at least where to start looking – in Loudoun, call Inova Loudoun and as for the birthing center. They have a list of OBs. In Fairfax, call Inova (again) Fairfax and do the same.)
    As for daycare, BeanTree Learning has two locations (in Loudoun and Fairfax) and they are wonderful.
    The housing market hasn’t completely recovered here, so there are still many homes on the market. Herndon has some really charming housing stock of various vintages.

  100. I took T on the SkyRide at our local zoo last weekend, because hey he’s two and the sign says ages two and up. omg – I’ve never had a more stressful 22 minutes of my life. I could NOT stop visualizing the two of us plummeting to the ground – him falling out and me jumping out after him. Every time he shifted in his seat my heart stopped. I don’t know what I was thinking.@Cloud, thanks for the reminder to click through using the Amazon button here.

  101. @Erin – I definitely think you should look into handicapped parking. Or at least talk with the parking garage about your issue. My parking garage attendant always saved me a spot in the one hour parking when I was pregnant.Also, my friend said she heard about an interesting study on NPR. Apparently, mothers who were really sick all during pregnancy had kids who had a slightly higher IQ than average. I know you are having a rough pregnancy, so maybe this helps! Haha!

  102. I was laid off a month ago, and my job provided the health insurance. COBRA is going to be very expensive but we don’t have many options because my husband has Type 1 diabetes. He only works part-time (evenings) and I’m worried that he spends too much of the day sleeping.We have been trying to get life insurance since January, but the company keeps stalling it and now that it looks like I’m finally getting somewhere, it’s been over 6 months since I had the baby, so my premium is going to be high because I haven’t lost the baby weight and it’s too late for the pregnancy waiver.
    Our older daughter is in daycare 2 days a week, and it seems crazy to pull her out in case I get a job, but how do we pay for everything?

  103. so late to the party….First of all, I want to start blogging on my blog again – there is so much to talk about and reflect upon…yet it seems the only time I’m inspired to do so is while I’m at work. When I’m supposed to be teaching. So I don’t, and then when I get home all I want to do is sit on the couch or my bed and watch tv or surf facebook.The big screams in my life are pretty huge: Trying to navigate selling a property fast because otherwise we are going to have to default on our loan and trash our credit – all the while also trying to navigate a divorce and other sticky financial issues one of which is my ex doesn’t have any money or any income and therefore cannot support his kids at this time. Our paperwork has been filed in court and we have a case number, however I have no legal recourse yet. And am really hoping he can get a loan so that I don’t have to go there with him because while he owes me money for our kids, he’s also having a hard time buying food to eat so I really don’t want to go there if I don’t have to.
    He also just asked me if he could add Friday night as another sleepover night for our oldest son (youngest is too young for sleepovers) and I said no because I really don’t see my oldest much during the week with school and after school activities, time with grandparents etc. I drop him off Monday morning, don’t see him until Tuesday night where I basically just wrestle him into jammies and bed, then wake him up Weds. morning and wrestle him into clothes and get him dropped off….wrestle him back out of clothes and into bed Weds. night, then wrestle him into clothes Thurs. morning and then don’t see him again until Friday after school. Yes, he sleeps at my house 5 nights a week, but I really don’t think wrestling him into and out of clothes is quality time and I miss him. I don’t want to lose Friday afternoon/evenings with him. I’m thinking of taking an afternoon back from my parents during the week…..but still. There’s something about having the relaxed Friday afternoon/evening/Sat. morning routine that I just love. I don’t want to give it up, and I don’t want to argue about it either. I’m hoping with vacation coming up my ex can have him for a few days in a row, remember how hard it is, and then be content with the schedule as we currently have it. All they do is watch tv at his house, and I hate that and don’t want to add another afternoon/night of movie watching to my son’s schedule.
    Despite all the financial hardships and stress, I am thankful for my new house which I love, thankful for my great kids, thankful for the emotional and financial support of my parents, and thankful I had the courage to stand up and leave my marriage so that I could be a happier person. I am a happier person, and don’t really even care so much about the house/financial stress stuff. My life is just so much better, even with all the crap. I just feel really, really lucky.
    And maybe tonight I’ll be able to get back to my blog.

  104. full moon + pre-period horomone roller coaster = tears and me yelling at 4 year old this morningpainfully long day before I can apologize to him

  105. @SarcastiCarrie – My little one also freaks out the minute I walk in the door until I nurse him. Hubby says he’s usually doing fine until then. Is the timing? Is it my voice? I don’t know, but I am barely able to put my bag down, and forget about changing clothes! So sympathies there!And so glad that you are feeling better about your c-section! After trying and failing for a VBAC, I came more to terms with my first c-section. It brought me to the point where I just believe that my body could not deliver on its own. I still don’t know why, but I also don’t know why I couldn’t conceive on our own. I don’t feel 100% great about the c-sections, but I really feel that if it wasn’t for modern medicine we’d either never had gotten pregnant or if we did, I or either of the babies would probably have died in labor because they just were NOT coming out on their own.
    And I do love pie. Maybe I’ll make one this weekend…
    @Mary – That so sad about your Christmas decorations! Aren’t your inlaws going to pay to replace them?
    @K – Can’t the IRS go after them for filing an incorrect 1099? Can you at least threaten to get lawyers or the IRS after them? Good luck. That so sucky.
    @lwh – Shots suck. I’m so sorry that you are going to have to go through that.
    @anonforthis (12/2/09 1:47) – What a rough way to start out with your baby. I can’t even imagine being unconscious for the delivery! I really feel for you. Please please please know that whatever you are feeling now (not bonded/angry at hubby getting to leave/like you’ve given up everything) is likely going to change over time. Give yourself time and cut yourself a lot of slack. It really does get better. I find the baby stage so tough, but once they are interacting more and calling you mommy and giving you hugs and kisses and telling you they love you… Oh, it just really makes you realize that it was all worth it. Hang in there!
    @Raia – So sorry about your mom. I can’t imagine how tough that must be. Hugs to you.
    @TodayWendy – We are also dealing with my grandmother and my husbands grandmother who are very old, very weak and are losing memories. It’s so tough to deal with. When my grandmother fell (though just bruised, her vitamin levels went way off causing all sorts of problems), she had to stay in the hospital a week and then a nursing home for a few weeks while she recovered. My mom and I were constantly having to explain yet again why she was there and what happened and what was going to happen. My MIL and her sisters are constantly having to explain to my hubby’s grandmother that her husband died this past fall and that they have to take care of her because she can’t anymore. It’s just so tough. Much sympathy to you!
    @anontoday, too – “But both kids can sing the first verse of Black Dog…” Awesome! I’ve got my 2.75 yo daughter singing “Awoooo, warewolves of London” with me, and I love it.

  106. @caramama – that’s pretty funny about the IQ! My previous pregnancy was pretty bad too, and naturally I think my toddler is brilliant. It’s comforting anyway to think that there’s some recompence for all this misery (besides the new baby of course!).As for the handicapped space – I can definitely get one, but there’s very limited space near the building and it’s all first come first serve – if the two spots are filled, that’s it (it’s not a garage). my employer does an abysmal job of accessibility – they are only interested in narrow legal compliance, not in actually helping people.

  107. I live in VT which has its own quirks but honestly I literally cannot imagine parenting in NYC while maintaining sanity. The financial pressure, commute, lugging all your kids crap up to a 14 story apartment, wrestling with kids in public transport, crowds everywhere, etc. How do you find a balance with all of that and still carve out time for yourself? Is it even possible? My heart goes out to all you city parents who manage to find the courage to face this every day. Good luck and God’s speed.

  108. @Mary, I’d love to send you a Christmas ornament from my own years-in-the-making collection. I’m aghast that your in-laws discarded yours. If you have a mailing address you feel comfortable in giving to me, send it to eccentriclibertarian at g mail dot com.@SarcastiCarrie – I was practically in tears reading your epiphany of forgiveness over your c-section. I too had one – a planned one, no less – due to medical reasons (abnormally small uterus plus very stubbornly reversed and breeched baby – a death sentence for mom and / or baby in the past) and always project my feeling that I’m judged, and found wanting, for that. SO, more power to you for finding a way past that feeling!

  109. @maria – I can’t believe that the therapist won’t continue to see your daughter without her father’s consent! That’s terrible! I hope things get better for you. I really wish I could help in any way. I see that you started a blog, so I will at least go over there to provide you what support I can. Hugs to you!@anon (12/2/09 3:54) – I understand the feeling of disappointment that Moxie’s site isn’t currently having the same standard of content that she previously had. You are absolutely free to feel that way and share it with Moxie and everyone else. Personally, my hope is that Moxie gets through whatever is going on without giving up this site entirely and is able to find time again to post here. Until then, there is still a lot of great content in the archives and plenty of smart, helpful people willing to answer each others questions about parenting. Feel free to post an issue and ask for help!
    @electriclady – Not a potty regression! Ack! That totally sucks. Hugs right back at ya!
    @abby – OMG! That must be so traumatic! I don’t know how you recover from something like that. Thank God that your son was okay!
    @Jac – “I spent two hours on a computer last week googling “how to stop procrastinating”. Which is kind of comical.” That’s hysterical! Also, it’s irony! As for me, I was going to work on procrastinating less, but I’m putting it off. 😉
    @ornaments – I’m in! I know just what I’d send too, with a story! Can we send them? What address? Do you want to set up an email address so we can contact you without you telling the world your street address?
    @marci – Yeah for the trampoline! That’s great.
    @Wm G – Yeah for fathers! I love to hear from the guys, so please keep posting! Sounds like you all are dealing with some rough times. Bad colds, plus probably starting the 9-month sleep regression plus a 5-month pregnant wife? Yikes! Hang in there!
    @anatomist – Hugs to you. Cancer just sucks. I’m so sorry about that and the car and the class. I hope things get better.

  110. @Julie – I’m glad that you are a happier person! I think it’s reasonable to want one weekend night and morning (Fri night/Sat morning) with your son, while your ex gets the other (Sat night/Sun morning). That doesn’t sound like to much to ask for. I hope he sees it that way.Okay, now I’m caught up. Hope things are going better for everyone today!

  111. @janisfan, I’m in SF too and have a current public-school kindergartener – you will get through this. Just use your good sense and do everything you can to find a non-big 10 school you like and put it first. Ping me if you want to talk about it with someone who’s been through it.

  112. Lots of yelling this morning over refusal to wear winter coat by 6 yr old boy. Yelling spilled into carport neighbor across the street totally heard everything. I proceeded to (accidentally) cut off a school bus and get honked at and, since I’m so used to walking kids to school really screwed up the carpool line. Only to be admonished by the school librarian and having like an eight car back up behind my idling vehicle. I felt like the biggest dummy. Oh and I have a cold so I’m a mouth breather right now.

  113. @caramama – Sometimes, I feel like we live parallel lives. I’ve had the thought too that if it weren’t for medical science, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place, so why not have medical science to deliver the baby?

  114. No screaming for me, though I wouldn’t mind a whimper or two (worries about finances and relatives with H1N1).Sign me to send an ornament. I’ve collected mine for 40+ years and will send the ornament’s story along too.

  115. I am having hot flashes that are totally kicking my ass. I am not ready to be menopausal, and I would really love to have another child, but it seems my body has a different plan. My shoulder and upper back hurt like crazy since my trapezius spasmed because I sleep so fitfully due to the constant hot flashes. Woo hoo! I wish I could somehow harness all the heat I produce, I think I could single-handedly stop our dependence on oil.Hugs and chocolate to all!

  116. @nikki…probably your lactation consultant addressed this, but if not…are you certain your baby is getting the hindmilk? If you have supply issues (either undersupply or oversupply), your baby could be getting only foremilk for each feeding.With both of my babies, I’ve had to block feed for the first several months to make sure they were getting enough of the fatty hindmilk to feel full and gain weight properly. (Oh, and most pediatricians, god bless ’em, either don’t know about block feeding, or don’t know to suggest it.)
    If you haven’t tried it and want to, it just involves feeding on the same side for several feeds in a row. So, nurse on the left every time for 3 or 4 feeds, then the right for the next 3 to 4 feeds. Eventually your supply will regulate itself and you won’t need to block feed anymore.
    And if you haven’t been to kellymom.com, I highly recommend it. Best site out there for nursing moms.
    No screams from me today, but lots of hugs for all of you! You’re all awesome moms (and dads), because if you weren’t, you wouldn’t seek out a site like this in the first place.

  117. Thanks to all those who have suggested OBs/midwives and other resources in NoVa. I may be emailing you individually as we firm up our plans and changes are imminent. I appreciate all of the kind thoughts and support.

  118. @meggiemoo – great info on the block feeding (as someone who struggles with milk supply). How do you avoid plugged ducts if you’re only feeding on one side for that many feedings? Do you pump the other? Sorry if this is a hijack, but my primal scream could easily have been my recurrent bouts of plugged ducts – I’m very grateful I can bf, but man, never knew boobs had that many nerve endings.Also, count me in for an ornament. Fantastic idea!

  119. @monkeymama – if you’re not already taking a lecithin supplement, that often helps with ductwork. Omega-3s also facilitate unplugging. Lecithin + O-3s = Drain-o for the breasts!!During a block feeding, you might also try a warm, wet compress on the breast that is not nursing. You’ll need something absorbent since it may get messy, but it helps keep things flowing instead of stopping up into a plug. You can also pump the side that’s not nursing, but only if you’re dealing with *under* supply. Pumping while block feeding will aggravate oversupply.
    You probably already know this, but gentle massage and (rather direct) heat usually clears up a plug in 12-24 hours. The massage can be painful but it will give you a very good idea of the nature/status of your blockage.

  120. @monkeymama, MrsHaley said it all! I’ve been lucky and never dealt with plugged ducts…my issues have always been with oversupply leading to non-gaining (at first) in my infants + colicky behavior, sleeplessness, fussing at the breast, etc.Discovered block feeding and oversupply completely by accident (no one had ever mentioned it to me, including my 1st midwife) by overhearing someone who had the same issues I did.
    When I had my DD, she wasn’t gaining well at first (although she was 9lbs, 7oz at birth!), and my awesome 2nd midwife nonchalantly said, “Oh, yeah, and just make sure she’s getting the hindmilk.” (This is after much rattling of sabers by the ped with threats of supplementing, etc.) Sure enough, by the next check-up, she had gained some ungodly amount in one week. Gotta love it when a simple solution helps so much!
    I’ve talked to several women since (including one of my sisters) who had undiagnosed supply issues which would have been greatly helped by block feeding, and ended up giving up because they didn’t have the information. So I try to talk about it as much as I can.

  121. @Micelle – I am in CO. SW Lakewood, actually, so most of our stuff is in Littleton. Would LOVE the name of your dentist. LOVE it, I say.Want to pipe in as one more mom (medically nec C-section the 1st time, failed VBAC the 2nd) who took a while to feel more like a mom and less like a person nice enough to take care of this kid the first time. Really difficult time becoming a mom. Wouldn’t know it by looking at me now, though! (Thank goodness)
    @SarcastiCarrie – It took a somber conversation at my post-partum check-up with the PA at my ob’s office to forgive myself for failing to have the VBAC I so desperately wanted. She explained that had I gone for the VBAC, my uterus would have ruptured (this we did not know ahead of time but found out during the C) and it would have been a “get the baby out and try to save mom” situation. When I think about how much worse it could have been (the C-section was rough), I shudder and am grateful for the experience I had. So I 100% know what it felt like to forgive yourself and I am so very happy that you were able to do it.
    @everyone else – again, I am reminded to be grateful. From newly diagnosed Asperger’s to cancer to car accidents…my gripes always seem so small. I hope today is a better day for all.

  122. I am so thankful for everyone who had advice for me.I just can’t tell you how relieved I feel to know that I’m not the only one who feels/felt this way.
    Really. Thank you. Today is a better day.

  123. Feeling really sad today. I’ve finally been diagnosed with anxiety and agreed to start trying the medicine – dr. put me on Lexipro. 2-weeks in I feel more anxious than when I started, I’m completely exhausted, and I’m feeling exceptionally emotional and sad and feel like crying for no reason. So, today I’m stopping the pills (at my dr’s direction) and will wait to start something new until I see him in a couple of weeks.Meanwhile, I still have anxiety and now know that I do so I am much more aware of it. Maybe the current medicine is making it worse so it seems more dire. Not sure how long it will take to get it out of my system. All I know is I have daily headaches now, my arms are so tired and heavy and my eyes can barely stay open and I still need to drive to and from work. Ugh.
    Trying to hang in there… I’m guessing the holidays isn’t the best time to be experimenting with anxiety drugs.

  124. Another block feeder piping up… if you’re doing it for oversupply, you may find “nursing uphill” helpful, too. Oversupply often goes hand in hand with a forceful let down, which can cause the baby to gasp which leads to the dreaded gas. Kellymom and La Leche League both have helpful info on this. basically, you recline while nursing, at least until the let down is past. Sometimes I also have to just catch the initial spurt of a letdown in a burp cloth, too.@anonforthis- I’m glad today is a better day!

  125. I know of this site and thought of it after reading some of your posts:http://givinganon.org/
    I don’t really know any way to do collective giving while protecting identities and privacy. All I can say is that while my life is modest, I can definitely do something to help those of you who have lost something or are having a tough time.
    I hope Thursday is bringing you all more peace and joy.

  126. is it OK to scream on Thursday! I am just back (2nd day) after a month on Jury Duty, and my boss does not have time to talk to me. Yes, I have tons of stuff to do, I just need to know WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO WORK ON FIRST? (Because whatever I chose will be THE WRONG DAMN THING.)Also, why do you think the GUYS are so much smarter than we are. Yes, in fact, I DO resent the fact that you ask me and ‘other lady’ to do all the mindless clerical work; the ‘guys’ are just as capable of updating a spreadsheet as we are. We are just as capable of creating a new report as they are.
    Actually, I don’t really feel like screaming, what I really want (and probably need) is a good cry.

  127. My best friend’s one-week old died unexpectedly on Saturday. Being with her and experiencing her grief was horrible.I can’t stop thinking about losing my five-month old or two-year old. It is getting to a constant panic attack stage.

  128. Regarding block feeding, I am not so sure I would recommend it for a baby losing weight without a lot more information. The reason it works for moms with oversupply or overactive letdown (and yes, sometimes babies can have trouble gaining if moms have oversupply) is because the block feeding *reduces* the milk supply due to milk stasis in the breast. If baby isn’t gaining because the supply is low, block feeding will compound the problem and lower the milk supply even further.

  129. @Maria I am so sorry. Have you tried local school (even if your little one is too young to attend)? I suspect the the administrative staff have a list of contacts for situations like yours and they probably have an idea as to which ones have been more effective/expedient. Hopefully.

  130. I’m always late to these things…@Raia – you posted for me. 18 month old. Want another although I have no idea how that would/could work with our situation (and I’m near the end of my child bearing window – so it’s within the next year or never). I even lost my mom last summer. Grief has inflamed my wanting #2. I keep projecting several decades into the future and don’t want my son to go through losing us by himself. But another baby very well could push my partner over the edge.

  131. Hush, my husband and I had the lyrics to “Thank You” by Led Zeppelin on our wedding invitation. I live in a really small town in the Northeast. Whenever I read your posts, I always connect with something you say and then i get to the bottom and say, “Oh, that’s why…it’s Hush!” Sorry, not trying to sound stalker-ish, I’m just saying….

  132. Well, I guess my primal scream has arrived a day later. I think L has now officially started the 18-month sleep regression. And tantrums. And all the other fun stuff that goes with it. Not to mention the Doc confirmed today that he probably has some virus, so it’s probably exacerbating everything. And I fear my boss is starting to get suspicious/annoyed by all of my sickness absences. Oh, and the teething too. I think the canines are coming in.But the sleep regression most of all just kicks me on my ass. I find it soooo demoralizing. Especially at the beginning. It makes me so angry. The regression, not the kid. I’ve just (just!) been getting used to getting 2-4 hour stretches of sleep and he woke up every hour, then every 2 hours last night (a total of 7 times) and then up for the day at 5 (usually sleeps at least until 6). And, so far tonight, he’s woken up 1 hour after he finally fell to sleep, after me & DH coaxing him to fall asleep for an hour. It used to take 5-10 mins max.
    And, on top, I’m starting to stress out a bit as I have a planned overnight trip for a friends 40th birthday celebration. The first time ever I will have been away from L at night. I fear this sleep regression will throw a wrench into us trying to get L comfortable (enough) with his Dad going in at night, so when it happens that night I’m away, it won’t be a total shock. I do it all now (the overnights, Dad does occasional evening wakings), and I BF him back to sleep (takes 5-15 mins max). But I fear I’m setting us all up for utter disaster. But I can’t (and don’t want to) back out of my trip.
    @Mary, Please do post an address where we can send ornaments. It’ll be a nice change of pace to focus on something positive.

  133. Are we still allowed to scream?First though, so many people to respond to – @megmarie, please take care of yourself as you take care of your friend. My heart goes out to you all.
    I had an awful lawyer conversation today, just hours after I had come to one decision, in which he basically said that decision could lead the court to GIVE MY CHILD’S FATHER CUSTODY. Even though he is demonstrably mentally ill, abusive, drug-addicted, and engages frequently in criminal activity. And I really am a good mother.
    I am in fullblown anxiety attack mode, and have no idea what to do. I hope it’s not inappropriate to ask this, but if anybody here knows a really great family lawyer with domestic abuse experience or any kind of resource for me, I’d love to know about it. I’m beyond at my wits’ end.

  134. I recently lost someone very important to me and I walk around with a void in my heart all day long because I can’t call her or visit. The holidays make me think of her in a very sad way. I know time will make it easier but for now, it is horrible. I also learned that my husband couldnt tell the truth if his life depended on it- about big things and little things. 8 month old hasnt slept since the day she was born. Yesterday, we put her to bed at 8. She was awake at 10 and wanted to party until 4sm. I dont think I was sleeping even before she was born. Her first 2 teeth broke through today but it seems like she’s been teething since month 3.

  135. @Maria- can you call your local woman’s shelter and see if they can recommend someone? I imagine they would have experience with a lot of the relevant lawyers in your area.@Mow- in my experience, sleep deprivation like what you’ve been going through makes everything else in life so much harder to deal with. (My first was a difficult sleeper from the get go, too.) I’ve got no magic solution for you, but just wanted to tell you to be kind to yourself and recognize that if you’re having a hard time coping, it is probably because of lack of sleep and not you.

  136. Oh, and my child can’t fall asleep tonight so I can’t get to calling the domestic violence and womens resource hotlines that I want to call tonight!

  137. I really wish I had the words/power to make it all better for so many of you. At least know my thoughts and good wishes are yours.

  138. @nej…Sorry I couldn’t find an e-mail address on your blog. But as I mentioned, I’m a little sleep deprived at the moment.Anyway my kids see Dr. Song-Johnson at Rocky View Dental. The office is north of C470 on Broadway. Annie was the hygienist that worked on my 3 yr old and she was awesome.
    We live in HR so the office is a bit out of the way for us but definitely worth it. Feel free to e-mail if you might want to have a mile high moxie meetup once the weather warms up a bit. mnjmarque@gmail.com
    Still very insignificant in the grand scheme of things but last night the baby slept really well but the 3 yr old woke me up at 3am vomiting. He seemed utterly unaffected but I had to deal with getting him in fresh jammies and stripping the bed.

  139. Good news for me: I had a breakthrough in my recovery meeting last night.Bad news for me: The breakthrough was discovering just how incredibly low my sense of self-worth really is. I basically believe I matter only insofar as I do and am what other people want and need. Yeah, that’ll be a quick one to solve.
    Then I spent the day today with my mom, who I love dearly, but who is very definitely the one who taught me to exist simply to please other people.
    I can’t imagine why I have a migraine.

  140. Oh my heavens, it must be the full-ish moon. I was laughing at how bad the morning was until I started really tearing up about it. And then kind of cried in front of co-workers in a group sharing exercise. Yikes. My kid keeps waking up covered in poo/poo juice that has seeped down the jammies legs, in between toes, covering the bed, etc. This was like the 5th morning in a row. Laundry ordeals, no spare sheets/pads, cranky thanks to top teeth. Coffee maker exploded all over the kitchen counter. I burned my breakfast. My parents are mad at me for not paying enough attention to them. Ugh. Hang in there, Moxie and everyone else. None of it lasts forever.P.S. a note to anonforthis: I don’t know how old your baby is now (6 weeks?), but I felt that same way for at least six weeks. It passed for me, the more the baby stopped being a fetus outside the womb and the more I got back. Call me selfish. I worried but it passed. So many women feel this but won’t share it. I think it’s fair to “grieve” the transition a marriage you’re stoked about goes through when a kid enters the picture.
    P.P.S. a note to poopy: your mummy tummy comment made me laugh really loud. Thank you.

  141. @Cloud: I will indeed try them again, but I have to say that in my experience (in 4 different places so far) the domestic violence shelter places are unhelpful at best and scary or insulting at worst.At one that I called, they had an intake questionnaire that they insisted I answer on the phone before they’d talk to me, which had incredibly patronizing and intrusive questions about my living situation (have you ever lived on your own?), my level of education, my employment history – as if any of that had any bearing on whether I needed/deserved their help.
    At another place, I asked for legal resources about how to obtain a restraining order and was given a complete runaround. When I asked if they had anyone who could go to the hearing about the restraining order, they didn’t, so I had to go alone and speak in front of a judge about why I needed one, with the abuser sitting right across the aisle.
    The websites seem to be all about recruiting volunteers, raising money, and offering statistical information, with offers of services or resources for victims of abuse off in a corner and mostly filled with the same hotline numbers and bland advice about not leaving a trail of your online history and planning an escape route. I have yet to find any kind of list of lawyers who specialize in this area, or much of anything else helpful in my (admittedly slightly unique – but not that much!) situation.
    Ok, I’ll stop ranting. Not trying to eschew your concern or advice. But the situation sucks.

  142. Hi Maria,It’s late at night for you, early morning for me. I just wanted you to know that I’m listening, and I’m shocked and horrified at what you’re having to go through to be properly legal about getting your daughter and yourself away from him.
    I am thinking that it would be more expedient and perhaps safer for the two of you to disappear. I don’t know if that is advisable or viable, but man, the current system is broken.
    You’re always welcome to email me. czilla007 at hotmail dot com.

  143. @abby My daughter almost drowned in our neighborhood pool, and for weeks afterward I was panicky and haunted. I worked at a preschool at the time, and I was very hypervigilant and anxious all the time.I went to therapy, which helped. I also did some research that said that post-traumatic stress disorder isn’t diagnosed until six months after the traumatic event. So I think post-trauma, feeling weird is normal, oddly enough. My heart goes out to you.
    @anonforthis I am also one of those moms who didn’t feel especially bonded or much like a mom post-birth. Now my two are 7 and 10 and I definitely have embraced this life of mine. But it was a long and transformative journey. I also had PPD after both births. The recommendation to read Moxie’s posts on PPD is seconded (thirded?).
    I too would love to make or donate an ornament to replace the ones lost. I love the idea of each person sending a story with the ornament too.
    I completely disagree with the anon poster who didn’t like this thread. Not blasting, just not in agreement. I am actually in a really good place right now, and I read this and feel so…amazed, and blessed, by the support and total honesty of the moms in this community. I think that – whether she’s posting Q&A or not – obviously Moxie has done something right in creating a space where these kinds of connections can flourish. This is a place where people can feel safe to be themselves and know that other moms get it and will reach out to help. I find that so beautiful and inspiring, truly.
    To everyone who is struggling…I have dealt with depression and anxiety (currently getting a lot of relief from Effexor XR) and had some very dark days, and yet now things look really bright. Things do get better. My two are 7 and 10 now (the oldest with ADHD and anxiety issues) and I honestly love my life. AND I wouldn’t go back to the sleep-deprived infant and toddler years for anything. It’s beautiful but also exhausting and often hellish. I hope everyone can hang in there. I wish I could give each of you a big hug, listen, and a shoulder if you need it.
    Thank you, Moxie, for all you do for this community.

  144. @maria – I don’t know what state you are in, but OMG, when I google “need an attorney for a restraining order domestic violence” all I get are attorneys who will fight you and claim the guy is not an abuser. They promise to “fight aggresively and win”. Yikes!Anyway: resources for CT: http://www.larcc.org/pamphlets/children_family/get_restraining_order.htm
    Try also, FindLaw: http://lawyers.findlaw.com/?DCMP=KNC-Lawyer—General-&-Expensive&HBX_PK=attorney&HBX_OU=50
    I can also recommend: http://www.family-law-illinois.com/
    (630)DIV-ORCE
    for family law issues (and I know they work with forensic accountants if you want to get that truck taken away).

  145. And to Mary of the no Christmas ornaments: I think it would be a neat way to rebuild your collection with all of our memories. Let’s get it going so we can have them to you before Christmas.

  146. My friday morning primal meow: baby would have slept longer than a four hour stretch last night but the GODDAMN SMOKE DETECTOR went off at 1:30am. The one my HUSBAND “FIXED” the night before when it went off at 3:30 am. (I almost put husband in quotes…haha!) and if the 2.5 yr old hadn’t been in bed with my husband, said smoke detector would have found it’s way to smashing him in the head. At 1:30. To see how he likes it.So can I confess that I don’t want this post to end. I’m actually dreading a new post from Moxie. Sure, I kind of agree with the anon poster who would like more “content” but that was mostly because I kept checking in and experiencing a touch of disappointment when there was nothing new. Now I feel like we’re in this big, dynamic conversation and hopefully everyone is getting what they need (Maria’s getting help with finding a lawyer, Mary of no Xmas ornaments will hopefully pipe in soon and get a boatload of new and I’m sure comically different ornaments, anonforthis has gotten validation for not feeling like a mom right away, etc.)
    @Hedra – where you at? Just busy with the holidays? Because I’ve found myself missing your 2 cents lately.

  147. My good news is that I called my doctor, who approved an increase in my antidepression meds. And I see him next week for a check in. Even if it’s not just winter issues (e.g., lack of sleep, getting over being sick, etc.), I realize that I need a little something more.@milliner – I’m with you on being angry when the kid wakes up every hour or so. Last night, when I let out a noise of frustration because the baby was STILL awake, my husband asked if I was okay. I said, “I’m just so f***ing pissed!” About the overnight–even if they have a tough night, it’s just one night. They will find a way to get through, and it sounds like you really need th break.

  148. I am also in agreement that this has been a pretty nice forum the last few days. @caramama, I have to admit every time I leave the house in the morning and it’s still dark, I think of you and how hard this time of year is for you….it’s so strange to have friends you’ve never met. Thank you for all your kind words over the past few months…both here and on my blog. Which is finally updated. Phew.To all the moms out there who are desperately waiting for the Q and A to start again, try checking out the archives. Moxie has been doing this for years, and often when there is a question posted, I find myself thinking “didn’t we talk about this a couple years ago?”. There is just so much information that has already been discussed, and chances are your question is somewhere in the archives.
    This time of life (for myself, for Moxie, and for many others commenting on this thread) is so transitional. Sometimes you just need a space to go and get what is on your mind out into the open, and all you can do during the day is your paid job, care for your kids and not much else above and beyond that. I am so thankful for this site. I know Moxie has a lot on her plate, the least of which is a killer commute. Hang in there, search the archives, and try to be patient. She’ll be back.

  149. Funny, I haven’t posted becasue I haven’t had too much to scream about. My almost 3 year old HAD been sleeping relatively well recetly, culminating in an all-nighter the night before last ( when Hubby was away on business). When hubby got back I purposely didn’t mention that Zoe had slept a full night as I didn’t want to moz myself. Seems you just have to think it for everything to go belly up ‘cos the wee one, woke up and came looking for me 4 whole times last night after I went to bed.So here goes: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  150. @caramama – Thanks for your words. It’s always great to hear that someone else has experienced the same thing you have.It’ so crazy how intense that anger can be! I’m slowly getting better at just getting out of the room and letting DH take a crack at it, instead of seething and clenching my teeth feeling like I have to do the marathon.
    After 1.5 years (almost 2.5 years if you count the multiple wakings to pee when pregnant) of this no sleep business, I now realise how much I need my 8 hours. In. A. Row. Or at least 6. I’d take 6 hours, really. I’m a much better and nicer person with at least 6 hours of sleep.
    And thanks so much for your encouragement for the overnight. My big fear is that the 24h without BF will cause an imposed and abrupt weaning for L, which is not what I want (don’t even want to think about that whole abandonment concept). But I’m hoping that if we have at least a few practice runs with Papa and we return to BF the very next night, it won’t feel totally new and scary to L when I’m not there. Fingers crossed.

  151. When I’m having a day like this (or if my kids are), I always like to read the book “Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.”

  152. @Maria- UGH! Your description of the woman’s shelters makes me unbelievably sad. I wish I knew something more useful. It just seems that there has to be SOMEONE who can help you. You are clearly trying so hard to do right by your daughter. I hope SarcastiCarrie’s suggestions are more helpful! I’d probably call the Illinois lawyers even if I didn’t live in Illinois, hoping that they’d know someone in my area. (This is not really all that far-fetched- they might know someone from law school.)I have a primal whimper this morning… I am so tired of thinking so much about sleep! Petunia’s a great sleeper at night, but I have to work a bit to keep her daytime naps on a schedule that will make her reasonably content during dinner, so that we can try to get Pumpkin to eat. She doesn’t eat dinner that well on the best of days, and a screaming baby will just make things worse. Pumpkin is sleeping through the night most nights (finally!) but is really, really hard to get to sleep these days and oh so obstinate (she’s 2.5). Last night, I lay in bed next to her, letting her play with my hair, and I just wanted to cry. I was exhausted, I wanted to fall asleep, but I couldn’t let myself because I needed to get up after she fell asleep and go pump so that there would be a bottle for Petunia. We need to keep her used to bottles since I’ll be going back to work in a month. I desperately want to “fix” Pumpkin’s bedtimes, but nothing we try seems to help and I suspect that now is a really bad time to try to change anything. I should just wait for this developmental leap or whatever to be over. But GAAAAAH! I’m so tired of this.
    Anyway. My problems are minuscule in comparison to the others posted here. But it feels better to have vented a bit.

  153. Thank you everybody for the support and suggestions. @SarcastiCarrie I am following the links in your post – I DEFINITELY want that truck taken away! I’m glad you’re validating my experience about how pathetic the resources out there are. I don’t know if you found any of the sites about how badly courts treat protective mothers and children, but anyone who’s interested, check out http://www.justicewomen.com/help_family_law.html (subheading: Beware Family Court) and http://www.lundybancroft.com/child.html.@ Claudia, I will definitely email you – thank you so much. Really disappearing is pretty hard, especially if you want your child to have a normal life. I’ve been doing what I can to stay out of sight for the past 6 months, but the lawyer who scared me yesterday basically said, they’ll find you, take away your daughter, and give the father custody.
    I woke up this morning to an email from my lawyer in the old state giving me basically exactly the opposite advice as the lawyer here did yesterday, so that was helpful. Not.
    I too am loving this board, but I’m aware it’s partly because I’ve hijacked it a little. In general I do love these threads though, no matter my level of participation. The mamas here are so wise and warm and I get a great feeling of connection from the window I get in to everybody’s lives. I still think a Moxie forum would be great, where we’re not necessarily dependent on Moxie for a topic but we have access to each other’s support and experience.
    Thanks again everybody.

  154. Oh, and @the millner- I used to get really angry after the umpteenth wake up, too.Also, you may be surprised by how well your little one does with Daddy while you are away. When Pumpkin was at her worst sleep wise (about 7 months old, I think), my parents came over and gave us our first night away. I was so worried that they’d have a horrible night, but my mom sent me packing anyway, rightly telling me that she’d be able to handle whatever happened.
    What happened was that Pumpkin slept better than she ever had. It was like she knew I wasn’t there, so she didn’t bother waking up as much. This was the pattern for all the nights away my parents gave us. On one hand, I wondered “why can’t you do this when I’m at home?????” On the other hand, it made it a lot easier to take my parents up on their offer.
    Oh, and she didn’t wean herself due to my absence. I weaned her later, at 23 months old.
    So go and have your night away and try not to worry about it.

  155. @Cloud – I am leaving both kids with my ILs Saturday night and going to a black-tie holiday gala for work (or Industrial Factory Prom, as my co-worker is calling it). Even if both kids scream and cry all night, they are loved and lacking for nothing. (And I know both kids won’t scream and cry all night…if I actually thought that might happen, I wouldn’t do this.) I’m not sure what will happen when (if?) the baby wakes up to eat. He wakes up to eat at our house, but who knows? He’s 12.5 months old, he could go all night. I’m leaving formula bottles because we’ve never done an overnight bottle and I don’t want to waste a bunch of precious breastmilk, so I’ve been giving him formula before bed all week to get him used to it (and secretly hoping the hard-to-disgest formula would make him sleep, but no). So, I’m entering brave new world territory here. If either kid sleeps through the night, I might keep them at grandma and grandpa’s house for a few nights and see if they come back “fixed”. And if not, it will probably be next year before my ILs volunteer to do this again.This is my Primal Sigh.
    And I’ve been wondering where hedra is as well.

  156. @cloud, I am wondering something, maybe I am misunderstanding…but are you keeping Petunia up to have dinner with you and is that the cause of your daytime sleep schedule/stress? My second is 10 months old, and STILL goes to bed between 5:30 and 6:00 PM….I know family dinner is important, but when the babies are so little maybe cutting some slack in that area until they are older and better able to participate might eliminate some of the stress you feel to have her rested enough for dinner time. Having Petunia already suited up and situated in bed so the three of you can have family dinner might make your primal wimper go away completely. Apologies if I’ve completely missed the mark.

  157. @blue – Awww, shucks. Thank you! Too bad we live on opposite sides of the country. It would be fun to have A Very Zeppelin Playdate with you!@caramama – Hugs to you my friend, and best wishes with new treatment.

  158. Foot in mouth speaking of things I shouldn’t. I’ll stick to voicing *my* opinions only. :)I agree that the primal scream thread has brought up a lot of topics and resources for people in need. I also agree that while I get very little value from a say breastfeeding Q&A obviously there are many who do and if you’ve written in to get advice and keep checking to see if something new is up – well that’s probably a little disheartening. Moxie has a great voice and it’s true that we’ve heard it less and less frequently and I miss that even while I love LOVE the community that exists here and am so very grateful for it.

  159. @Julie- no, Petunia’s “natural” bedtime seems to be about 7 p.m. I’m trying to make sure she naps sometime between 4 and 5 so that she’s not super cranky at 6, when Hubby comes home with Pumpkin. I have thought about trying out an earlier bedtime for her, but my mind boggles when I try to think about how that would work when I go back to work, and she is doing really, really well at night with the 7 p.m. bedtime (she’s only up ONCE to eat). Basically, Petunia has the nighttime sleep figured out, but can’t figure out naps yet. So I have to help her fall asleep at the “right” time (i.e., when she’s sleepy) but I also want to make sure that her schedule doesn’t get too screwy and lead to a dinnertime meltdown.See what I mean? How can I possibly be thinking this hard about sleep??? Especially when the baby is basically sleeping well?
    @SarcastiCarrie- sadly, Pumpkin’s sleep always went back to normal (i.e., crappy) once we came home. At some point, I can’t remember when, Pumpkin started refusing bottles in the night. If I was there, she’d nurse back to sleep when she woke up. If I wasn’t, she’d cuddle/rock back to sleep. She did make my parents get her a cracker once in the middle of the night, though. Have fun at prom! Your in laws will figure it out. And as my mom always told me- they can catch up on sleep later.

  160. @Cloud, Can I just say that calling it “Prom” is making it that much more fun? I mean, I called a female coworker and asked her what she’s wearing to Prom and she nearly died and then went in to great detail about her little black dress.And yes, even when sleep is good, you can still think that much about it. I used to try to get Bobo to do his late nap so he’d be up for dinner and sometimes he slept through it if I had dinner early enough. I never worried much about the schedule for when I went back to work because I knew any plans I laid would fall apart when day care was in charge of the naps. They are definitely laissez faire about the naps. So, some days Bobo falls asleep on the 5-minute car ride home. Just for a quickie. And, well, evenings in our house are like running downhill into bed.

  161. @cloud…ugh. Adding a new baby seems to multiply the confusion by at least 100. Do you think you could put Petunia down to bed at 7 and then serve dinner? I guess that would depend on how much help she needs going to bed, and whether Pumpkin would be okay with waiting until 7 to eat or if that would mess up her dinnertime or bedtime. I have found with my own non-eater that if you miss an eating window, it’s gone….and it doesn’t matter how hungry they are. Good luck. It’s just hard figuring everything out.

  162. @SarcastiCarrie- thanks for the reminder that it will all change anyway once I go back to work. How could I forget that? I should just stop stressing about nap schedules and go with the flow a bit more, I think.I have to say, the stupidist I ever feel as a mother is when I’m waking up my sleeping baby to change her into her fuzzy sleeper for the night and feed her. (If her mid-day nap is too short, her late afternoon nap might run long and she’ll basically sleep through bedtime. But not in any predictable way so that I’d know to have her dressed for bed before her late afternoon feeding or anything sensible like that.) So I might continue to try to avoid that. I don’t like feeling stupid.
    And I’m totally calling my company’s holiday party “prom” next year.

  163. @ Cloud – “but my mind boggles when I try to think about how that would work when I go back to work” But things will naturally be different when you go back to work anyway. She’ll be older and she’ll either be in daycare or with a nanny during the day. I suppose if she’s with a nanny you could keep the 4-5 naptime but it seems highly unlikely to happen at daycare. You might want to try doing what would make life easier now and deal with what happens when you go back to work – when you go back to work. 🙂

  164. @Julie- yeah, I hear you on the “eating windows”. I’m a bit like that myself, though, so I can’t be too angry with Pumpkin about it.Reading what you and SarcastiCarrie say- I’m thinking maybe I should just get Petunia ready for bed at 5 p.m. or so and then see what happens.
    I hesitate to confess to it, for fear of offending the sleep gods that have blessed us this time around, but Petunia’s bedtime routine is: nurse, burp, down. So I can do that whenever she’s ready, really. But if Pumpkin gets too hungry, she’ll meltdown and not eat at all. (As I say, I’m a bit like that, too- if I get too hungry, my stomach hurts and food doesn’t help, and yeah, I meltdown in my own grown up way. I.e., I yell at my husband.)
    I just keep telling myself that someday, I’ll only have to worry about my own schedule of when to eat and sleep. And I’ll miss my cute little girls who are all grown up and too busy to ever call me….

  165. @SarcastiCarrie – You cracked me up with both “Industrial Factory Prom” and “And, well, evenings in our house are like running downhill into bed.” That’s the perfect description of our evenings, too!@Cloud – Is Pumpkin still napping? Our bedtime routine became a thousand times easier once our girl stopped taking naps. If your girl is still napping, she probably won’t be too much longer. Then she will hopefully fall asleep quicker and easier, and earlier too. As for Petunia’s naps, I’m with the others who say just try to let it go with the flow for now.

  166. @maria – I’ve been thinking a lot about the help you need. I don’t have any good suggestions, but I am going to ask my lawyer friends and see if they do. There has got to be good help somewhere. Keep looking until you find it!

  167. @themilliner and caramama – Yes yes and yes! to the nighttime anger. It freaks me out, because it’s the only time I get really angry at my toddler. And it’s been that way since he was born – it’s like I totally lose my emotional marbles at night and can’t keep it together. Other times I get impatient with him, but not really angry. But at night I hiss super helpful things at him like “You have to go to sleep right now!” It doesn’t really help him calm down. Happy to know I’m not alone, as always.Can I just let out a primal scream against the 18 month sleep regression? It’s kicking my butt. If I have to wake up (for the whole day!) at 3:30 AM ONE MORE TIME I’m going to lose it.
    @ everyone leaving their babies-with-sleeping problems – my son always sleeps/ naps beautifully for others in a way he seldom does for us. So the odds are good everything will go swimmingly!

  168. @ Cloud – “the stupidist I ever feel as a mother is when I’m waking up my sleeping baby to change her into her fuzzy sleeper for the night and feed her.”Just change stupidest to luckiest and remember that waking a sleeping baby – means you have a sleeping baby!!! You are being awfully hard on yourself. You are doing a great job. 🙂

  169. @cloud…wow. I just recently started dressing my 10 month old in clothes. Up until that point, he wore his jammies all day long. Maybe I am just lazy, but seems like if you *could* wear jammies all day long, why wouldn’t you?:) I vote for having her ready for bed by 3 or 4 (in case afternoon nap morphs into bedtime), starting the bedtime routine around 6:45, plopping her down in her crib (my little one is the same way too, so so lucky!) and then walking out and straight to the dinner table for dinner with your husband and Pumpkin.
    good luck.

  170. My almost-two-year-old was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two and a half weeks ago. We’re in the middle stages of learning to control his blood sugar, plus his terrible sleep habits, plus I’m 24 weeks pregnant and still morning sick.And I got H1N1 about a month and a half ago.
    It’s been a fun six weeks.

  171. ORNAMNETS – how can this be accomplished?We need:
    1) a mailing address from Mary
    2) maybe only one person to act as an organizer to gather
    and send all the ornaments to Mary – reduces the amount of people whom Mary would have to trust with her mailing address
    3) donors ready to get the ornament in the mail by, say, Tuesday 12/15.
    I am willing to organize this…
    MARY – please contact me with an address, if you want to be showered with ornaments from all of us!
    If it’s agreeable to all, I will just collect the ornaments, leaving them unopened in whatever package they’re mailed in, and send off in a big box.
    eccentriclibertarian at gmail.com (NOT eccentric Librarian, mind you!)

  172. @eccentriclibertarian, thank you for volunteering to coordinate the ornament operation! I hope we’re able to get Mary some wonderful ornaments and stories to help her start rebuilding her collection.@caramama thank you so much, I would love any and all recommendations/advice I can get. I don’t want to post my location online but I will email it to you if that’s helpful.

  173. @Julie- I only change her because she’s a super messy eater and smells like sour milk in the morning. I have a fast letdown and milk goes all over the place at most feedings. There’s lots of laundry here these days….BUT thanks to everyone for the suggestions! I’ll try them out.
    Since you’re all being so helpful… Anyone have any ideas for getting Pumpkin to fall asleep without my hair? @Caramama- unfortunately, she still naps and still NEEDS a nap- its cranky city if she skips it. I’ve tried shortening it, with mixed success.
    @Kyra- the universe owes you a break. Ouch, what a rough time you’re having right now. Big hugs.

  174. I had nothing to scream or squeak about. So grateful for that. If I hadn’t found Ask Moxie when I badly needed to I would not be in that position.I’m mothering without a map after taking decades to try for a baby. My late mother was not Mother of the Year due to her mental issues. Sadism and paranoia. Not her fault. Nor mine, but it left me with a lot of guilt, self-doubt and a shelf full of parenting books.
    And then in a panic when the real baby arrived and didn’t sleep. Still doesn’t much, but I’m in a good place.
    I couldn’t have gotten there without Ask Moxie despite therapy and many years of healing. The fear of being a ticking timebomb who will explode into abuse is beyond scary and paralysing.
    Moxie has given me confidence to mother as best I can and that’s good enough and being a mother really is the best thing that ever happened to me. Also the hardest.
    The archives are amazing here, but the acceptance really is priceless to me.
    No the site isn’t the same. If I were Moxie and single parenting in NYC with that commute I wouldn’t manage nearly as well as she does.
    This is a labour of love for her and not an obligation after all.
    I hope that quieter times are ahead of Moxie too, not so much so the site can be as it was, but so that she can be happier.
    Maria, I really wish I could do something, suggest something, help in any which way with your situation. I can’t at all from across the Pond, but my thoughts are with you.
    And with everyone who’s posted on this thread about heartbreaking issues too.
    Now an ornament, with story, that I can do! December 10 is the last posting day for the US by the way. I’d really like to send one.
    Cyber chocolate and pies all round. My nearly two year old was awfully good about being in the pushchair ( stroller) for Christmas shopping today despite the crush of people.
    We got to the fancy chocolate shoppe for Christmas gifts and she was offered a small bit of milk chocolate. She’s severely allergic, Epipens at dawn so I declined.
    The nice man behind the counter then gave her a pure dark chocolate heart from the individual chocolates selection.
    Cue overwhelming happiness for daughter. No point to that, except that it made me smile and think of the Ask Moxie chocolate initiative.

  175. @Cloud, do you mean that Pumpkin needs to hold/twine/stroke your hair to fall asleep? I don’t know how long your hair is, but maybe start wearing it up as tightly as possible, and maybe even wear a hat? You could frame it as a cold weather thing (especially if you keep your thermostat down to save heating costs like I do!).

  176. I’m currently spending my second day in bed because I started spotting on wednesday night. I’m 13 weeks with a very planned for and wanted second child, but after finding out I was pregnant started freaking out about logistics and how was I ever going to make this work and now I have all these horrible mixed feeling about what’s happening. And my husband leaves for a week on monday, and I’m pretty certain that what brought about the bleeding was repeadly picking up a very large almost 2 year old during our beloved mommy and me day outing, and how am I going to avoid doing heavy lifting for a week with him gone? Oh and tuesday, right before this started, I had my genetic counseling session (because apparently I’m old) and our risk for downs is higher than I’d like but I haven’t decided really how I want to handle that.And I’m a chronic “put on a brave face”-er so thank you all for giving me this place to vent. And count me in for the ornament.

  177. @Cloud – Grow Pumpkin’s hair out long and let her fondle/twist her own hair?@Wilhelmina – That is a lovely story about someone making extra effort so your daughter could have chocolate.
    @Kyra – The good news is they are making amazing strides in management of Type I diabetes from pancreatic cell transplants and gene therapy to the insulin pump. It’s no consolation for you, I’m sure, but it will be manageable and your son has a good shot at a “normal” life. Good luck. You’ll get through this.

  178. @Maria- yes, she has to “mess up mommy’s hair” to fall asleep. If I braid it, she pulls the braid out. I haven’t tried a hat. Hmmmm….@Anon- did your doc put you on bedrest? If not, call him/her. I spotted throughout the 3rd and 4th months with both my pregnancies, and carried both to term.
    I remember reading about a study (maybe from Sweden?) in which they put some women who were spotting on bed rest and told others just to go about their lives. The outcomes for the two groups was the same. So my doctor just had me come in for an extra ultrasound but otherwise ignored the spotting.
    I don’t think lifting your toddler had anything to do with it, but I am not a doctor, etc, etc.
    Have you had the nuchal tube measurement yet for your Downs risk? Or just the blood work?

  179. @caramamaNoah is 5 in January and STILL naps an hour and a half when he is home from kinder (with an 8 o’clock bed time thrown in for good measure), but then again, I think the child is an alien. We’ll see if he can break any world records as I’m not planning to wean him off the nap until his nighttime sleep is seriously affected. Zoe is resisting her nap but I know this is just a phase and the duration does not affect how fast she falls asleep at night. Also, 3 and 4 year olds at her kinder (the one she will eventually go to that is) still have nap time, so I’m not in any hurry to wean her either.

  180. As for the ornament thing (Wilhelmina, thanks for mentioning the last date to the states! I will get my family’s presents sent pronto!), can’t someone receive mail addressed to their name, General Delivery, and their local post office written on it? Or is that no longer allowed under the homeland security act or something?I’d love to send one, as well.

  181. @Cloud – My daughter stopped playing with my hair to go to sleep only because I stopped putting her to bed. My husband took that over during the end of my pregnancy, and now she seems to have forgotten the need to do so on the rare nights I put her to bed. I hope you are able to find another way or just get through it!@paola – I guess I have no concept of how long most kids nap for, considering my girl’s issues with sleep and napping are so different than other kids. I know lots of people couldn’t deal without the naps their kids take, but I was as happy as could be when we just gave up trying on the weekends and now that she gave them up completely on weekdays. I hope those of you who need the naps get them as long as possible!
    @Anon – Good luck with the pregnancy. I had some spotting with my daughter, but that turned out just fine. I hope the same is true for you.

  182. I didn’t need to scream yesterday. I didn’t need to scream the day before. I think I need to scream now, because this weekend I have to be the calm, caring, kind person that people need me to be right now.Let’s see. I went to texas to meet my boyfriend’s whole family for the first time, ever. I found out that the brilliant boyfriend who had had an eye on grad school and was doing quite well academically given the circumstances is now in danger of losing his student loans because he’s failing a class. He’s badly depressed, and seems to think that by seeing a counsellor he’s taking resources away from people who “really need it.” This is a problem because I really, really want a future with this man and this is putting that future in a fair bit of jeopardy – he’s worried he can’t get into my country, that I won’t want him, etc. On top of that, one of his younger brothers is in some semi-serious legal trouble and seems intent on hitting rock bottom.
    I drove about 2500 km to make this trip, and got back very late tuesday. On wednesday, my 60 year old father tells me that his car is making a funny noise and could I take him to the mechanic in the morning. Sure. No problem. I don’t have a life to clean up after a 2 week vacation, I can do this. While there, he lets it slip that his ex-wife, my mother, was kind-of-sort-of in the hospital while I was in texas, with issues related to her very serious heart condition. But nobody called me because they “didn’t want to worry me.”
    Now, I can’t curse my mom out for not telling me (and in fact telling the hospital specifically NOT to call me) because she would feel terrible and stress is a very very bad thing for her right now. So I call her and kindly suggest that perhaps she should just call and let me know what’s going on, next time, and she admits that it’s actually REALLY serious and that, and I quote, “there may be a bleed somewhere but they don’t know where.” Also, could I turn around and drive another 5 hours round trip next weekend to take her to her mother’s because she’s not really supposed to leave Canada, but her sisters will complain if we don’t pick up our presents from them? (Our presents for them were delivered in JULY.).. I had to very gently, and feeling like an asshole the whole time, tell my sainted mother, whom I adore, that I will kill her myself if she puts one pinky toe over the Niagara river before she gets an okay from her doctor.
    On top of this I was really quite seriously ill for the last year, and am just recovering myself, and am trying to clear up the academic mess THAT made and now have to finish four papers, three exams, and a 60 page undergrad thesis by Christmas eve.
    AARGH. It is very hard for me to remember today that I am lucky my mother is still around, and to all intents and purposes, still kicking ass and taking names. It is hard for me to remember how lucky I am that I have such people who love me and who, however misguidedly, only want the best for me. That I am not as financially strapped as I used to be because I was very, very smart and had a very kind grandfather, and that some way, some how, this will all end up just as it should.
    I always wanted kids, I just didn’t know I’d end up with a surprise 60 year old girl and 63 year old boy. I’m 28. I’m not ready for this.

  183. @cloud, I see caramama beat me to the nap advice. I found the final 1 -> 0 nap transition the very hardest for Mouse. There was at least a year where she sort of needed a nap but really needed it only 3x/week and having a long nap every day would make bedtime impossible; then there was a year when any daytime sleep at all would make bedtime impossible, but her care situation was set up for nappers…but maybe it will help to think of this as part of the transition? It may take a while but you’ll get there. Of course I can’t promise you early bedtimes at the end of it (guess what 5 1/2 year old was up until almost 10:30 last night because she was so hopelessly excited about her school’s read-a-thon?) but it actually ends up being fine–the low sleep requirement means she popped out of bed happily at 7:45 and will be none the worse for wear.@erin, hugs – that one sucks big rocks. I remember multiple molars, a daycare change, a cold, and no sleep for a month. but it passed for us and it will for you!
    @kyra, hugs too! that must be scary right now. From the future, there is a young lady in Mouse’s kindergarten class who was diagnosed around the same age and I see her every day running and playing with her pump in a cute pink tummy pack, just as happy as a little bug. Her dads say it’s hard but they are all used to it now and they manage fine. (and there’s probably somebody on this board with actual direct experience and smart advice)

  184. I started reading the comments, and then got a little bit overwhelmed. I keep thinking of you, Moxie, and the commute-as-anvil, and I thought of two things: elizabeth gilbert’s eat pray love, and Pema Chodron. And what I thought was, it doesn’t look like this commute is going away, so “ignoring” this 3 hours a day isn’t going to work. It’s too big. So, you have to embrace it, be present in it, really immerse yourself in it to find a way to make this work without being slowly eaten alive by something you hate. Pema has a phrase for it, something like leaning into sharp corners. If you’ve already read this things and this idea makes you want to just find me and beat me about the head and shoulders, I apologize in advance. Or if you want to chat more about it, email below. I am thinking of you and hoping for you.

  185. @ Cloud It was both the labs and the nuchal measurement for the downs risk. Thanks for the info about bed rest; the doc at the ER was the one who recommended and when I called my ob yesterday I only got to talk to the triage nurse, so I think I’ll be more dogged with that. And thanks to both you and @caramama for letting me know that yours turned all well!

  186. @Anon with the bed rest and the bleeding: another one chiming in…I spotted for a month with my first and BLED for a few days with my second. My first and second real, live children who are awesome and never sleep, so yes, it can turn out just fine.

  187. Found out Wednesday that my grandmother’s cancer that had metastasized to her liver is no longer responding to chemo, her liver is failing and she’s started hospice. My DH and I were planning to visit her at Xmas, but now I’m wondering if we’ll need to be out there before then. On top of that, we’re both college profs and it’s the end of the semester. I have a week of classes left and a week of finals. Because of this, I’m the most prepared for finals I’ve ever been… but if the worst happens in the next two weeks, I don’t know if DH can come with me for the funeral.We tried to get pregnant this year, but no luck yet. I agreed to only try for a due date over the summer this time, so we’re not even going to try again until August. I don’t know if this is caused by my PCOS or our weight or bad luck or something else. If I just waited until I had tenure to get pregnant, I’d fall into that lovely realm of “advanced maternal age”, which I don’t want to do.

  188. @Lindz, I don’t know anything about your situation, or how long you’ve been trying, but it’s common for it to take perfectly healthy fertile people up to a year to conceive a child. I’m reluctant to provide any advice, since I don’t want it to turn in a$$vice. But also want to say that my dh and I are also both profs, we decided to have kids before tenure, and we teach at schools 6 hrs apart. I just wanted to throw in my sympathy for the complexity of the decision (pre or post tenure? summer baby or throw caution to the wind? We chose the latter, and ended up with two late spring babies. Go figure).

  189. @Lindz I’m so sorry about your grandmother. I hope that the timing works out so that you have some good time with her. In my experience with my mom, hospice was so wonderful and really extended her life *and* quality of life, so I hope they can help your grandmother that way as well. They’re really wonderful.

  190. @nonnimouse, I don’t know if you have information about this idea. I wouldn’t mind talking to someone with experience or knowledge about it, but I think it’s harder than it sounds. And has serious repercussions that would have to be weighed really carefully. Basically, a last resort I guess.

  191. @maria my first thought was claudia’s too….just go. Except the problem is exactly as you’ve named it to be – serious repercussions if it didn’t work. Plus you would always be looking over your shoulder, and you would never really be able to relax. I think it would be a last resort, but I’m hopeful you can find a knowledgeable attorney who can help you. Good luck and prayers.

  192. The thing is I’ve already gone – I’m gone and he doesn’t know where we are. For the last 6+ months I’ve been laying as low as I can while trying not to subject my child and myself to unreasonable paranoia. But it is hard, especially nowadays, there are so many trails everywhere – cell phone records, toll transponders, IP addresses, ATM transactions, whatever… it’s not my world to know how people can trace you, but I know they can, especially someone as inexperienced as I am in these kind of things.And I think there are pretty big repercussions even if you don’t get caught, in the paranoid and limited way you’d have to live. You’d have to not visit people in certain places, you couldn’t have a facebook page, or dozens of little and big normal things.
    The status quo right now is actually good (except for sky-high stress and anxiety) – he doesn’t know where we are, my child has no contact with him, and we are living life. There are two problems: he or someone he hired could probably find me in about 10 minutes if they really tried, and even if they don’t there is a chance that a judge could enter some crazy order giving him custody or, apparently, almost anything, without me even being there. And then whenever they did find me, they’d take my child away and it would be awful.

  193. Maria,I wonder if it’s time to write to a state rep or something. This situation is so absurd, if you’re going to make a paper trail, then it should be one that shows you mean business no matter what (not that you aren’t now, by any means, just more of one).
    If there isn’t SOMEONE in your state who can see that letting that man take custody of your daughter is utter insanity, then a change of venue must be made. It’s nuts.

  194. First of all, I just want to say that I’m loving this thread and seeing everyone get their scream out and have it addressed by so many fantastic voices. I miss Moxie too though and I do hang out for the new threads. In the meantime it just feels like we’re having a bit of a houseparty, getting things going while the host has popped out to get a few things done.@Mrs Haley-re:hormonal anxiety: I’ve suffered from that my whole life and it actually got worse after the birth of my son. The only thing which I find effective is Chinese herbal medicine (to second another poster’s opinion). I don’t know where on this planet you reside. If you’re in Oz let me know and I’ll send you her details. She’s an MD specialising in fertility so her treatments are safe and she’s very knowledgeable and successful.
    @SarcastiCarrie- Thank you thank you thank you for talking about your Cesarian guilt. I didn’t have a Cesarian. I had an epidural and then vacuum extraction. Now I look back and wonder what the hell I was angsting about. But for about two years I felt enormous guilt because I got it wrong, I mustn’t have tried hard enough. I would have managed, should have tried harder to “achieve” a natural birth. To be honest, I still feel like crap about it when things are generally low and I need something to beat myself over the head with.
    Anyway, thanks to this mammoth post for bringing me out of my three-year-lurk!

  195. Hey, nej, thanks for asking after me…They changed the policy at work, and it is now ABSOLUTELY no posting/commenting on blogs, rather than the previous ‘no posting with any indication of what company or industry you are in, and only within reasonable time limits’. So there go the lunchtime comments. Sigh.
    Evenings and mornings, I’m working out a better balance with ep, who has taken on too much share of the duties. I still am sucking at that, and doing too much at work, and not communicating what I need well, plus still regularly working from home in mornings and some evenings and some weekends. That plus my Fructose Malabsorption yahoo group has absolutely taken off (nearly 500 members now, when a year ago it was 150 – the diagnosis rate is skyrocketing, especially with children). I have added two moderators, but we are still getting 25-50 posts a day… so that sucks more time. My scream for that is that I am sucking at balancing my life, and it is causing pain for ep. Who I really love, and who I’m doing poorly at taking care of.
    My work-related scream, which is more of a hacking cough, is this week, I was backing up the one person who can back me up. He was off hunting. I was covering his applications and mine (for critical issues/support/business questions). Tuesday I came down with a double ear infection and bronchitis. Tried to take two days off, managed to just work from home. Still not recovering, because I’m still WORKING. And I find it hard to stop working because I’m effective, and nothing rings my bell more than being effective/having an impact. A year ago, this company in this account had a reputation for being reactive (rather than proactive) and being extremely poor communicators. A year after me being here (and 6 months after my boss also coming on), we’ve got positive hallway conversations about how professional our communications are, and how they’re going to make the other contract companies use our templates and document standards, because we’re That Good. Dream job has some issues, though – too much of a good thing makes it harder to deal with the messiness of the rest of life. I'[m not nearly as good a wife when I’m being too good an employee. Which goes right back to the previous scream.
    I’m up for sending ornament(s), also. I haven’t made it far enough through the comments to know if there’s a plan for how, yet. Will try to get back to that… WANT to get back to that, but don’t know when, or how. GAH. Must go make amends with ep, who got run over by life and kids while I was spending the mental energy and time to post even this much. Hence me not being here as much (posting to my blog has been spotty, too, and very lightweight – I don’t think anything really major has gotten on there in months).

  196. @maria – sadly I don’t have any connections to any such organization. To be honest I was hoping there was a possibility that someone with connections would read something and approach you. If he hasn’t found you is that because he doesn’t want to? My sister found herself is a similar situation (although not so scary) and took advantage of a period of time when the FOB was engaged in other activity and just wanted his freedom. She had him sign off parental rights and went through single parent adoption by tempting him with the fact that she would never be able to get a dime out of him for the child. If he’s bent on control and destruction, this might not work. Just thought I’d mention it.@kyra – please make sure they test your baby for gluten sensitivity – and that they keep doing so as she grows. It should be par for the course for type 1. My prayers are with you that she is not brittle. But you can absolutely do this. It is a different way of life than the one you pictured, no doubt.
    @Lindz – if you haven’t learned to chart your cycle, learn now (get a copy of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” or go to fertility friend dot come – I prefer the book). If you have charted, continue to do so. Knowing your cycle will help you time everything well when your window opens up again. And if there is a problem you will be that much further ahead dealing with it (you’ll know if your ovulating, how long your luteal phase is, etc.) I also had to wait to try and charted while I waited. I discovered a luteal phase defect and corrected it with natural progesterone cream long before we started trying. When we did finally try to conceive I knew that my fertility window was smaller than most and we timed it perfectly. Good luck or karma or whatever prevailed and we caught the first egg that came our way. Plus charting helped me feel more proactive while I waited, which I think helped my stress level when we started trying. Good luck.

  197. @ Claudia and @ nej: Yes, I have been thinking about calling my Senator and basically pleading for help, and your suggestion gives me more confidence that maybe it’s not a fool’s errand to put energy into that avenue.And nej, you have hit the nail on the head, it’s control and destruction exactly that he’s after. I don’t think he’s trying very hard to find me, which makes ignoring the whole thing very appealing – but he is at least going through the motions of pursuing it in court, and if he ramps that up, or even if he doesn’t, that process may catch up to me. The court system is based on the assumption that even if people are lying, they at least want what they say they want. He says he wants a relationship with his child, but the truth is, he doesn’t, really, he wants to be allowed to continue his patterns. So it’s really hard to deal with.
    Your financial angle might work, and I have considered that many times, but my sense is that he would have to lose too much face to sign away his parental rights, even if he wanted to. Maybe if he was painted into a really tight financial corner he’d do it to get rid of the problem.
    Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers and ideas!

  198. @anon with the bed rest & poor nuchal fold results … Both me and one of the Julies (I think? Right?) had similar scary test results when we were pregnant about 2 years ago — poor nuchal fold & whatever blood test goes with it, then poor quad screen results. IIRC, Julie had an amnio that showed everything was ok. I did not have an amnio so we didn’t know for sure until birth. We were prepared for Down Syndrome but our son (now 14 mos.)is just fine. Google through Moxie’s comments and you can probably find where she & I were talking about it.We did a lot of preparation and research in case the tests were correct and learned that in the realm of congenital issues, DS is NOT the worst one — not by FAR. As your genetic counselor probably told you (wasn’t THAT an awesome phone call?!?) your risk is still very, very low. But if gathering info. makes you feel better (as it does for me), the best book I read before DS’s birth (when we still didn’t know for sure) was _Roadmap to Holland_ by Jennifer Graf Groneberg.
    And let me say it out loud, since very few others will: you are no less a woman or mother if you choose to terminate if you get a 100% positive result. I have stood in those shoes. I hope you make the right decision for your family and that no one would ever make you feel like you have to apologize for it.

  199. @MrsHaley is right! DH and I had that talk when friends had positive screen and we were trying to get pregnant. I won’t say what we decided, but I will say that you make the best decision for you and your family and know in your heart you did the right thing – whatever you decide. And don’t ever let anyone make you feel ugly inside about your choice.

  200. @ anon & MrsHaley – I just wanted to say that I found the sections Mrs Haley was referring to that discuss the nuchals and the amnios by googling “amnio” under Moxie (couldn’t find it under Down’s or nuchal), FYI. I’m an “older” mom, and we just decided not to have to the 13 wk ultrasound test – we’re operating on the assumption that anything irregular will also show up at 20 wks (next ultrasound) and if DS shows up then, we’ll start to do our homework. . . But I also just wanted to reiterate what MrsHaley and nej said to anon – whatever happens and whatever you decide, know this is a supportive community here for you.

  201. I just have to second the recommendation of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I love that book. I started charting a few months before we started trying. I was amazed at the wealth of information I never even knew about myself! Even if you are not “trying”, its so nice to know exactly when your period will start… no more surprises. I wouldn’t say you can self-diagnose by charting, but it can certainly give you a window into your health, and a head’s up on potential fertility issues.

  202. Yes Mrs. Haley, that was me! Can you believe that baby was 10 months old yesterday? We did the nuchal fold test, which came back within normal ranges, but my blood tests were significantly elevated – enough to cause concern all the way around. Which made sense with hindsight because the first time they were significantly elevated, AND I was nearly 4 years older the second time so the age factor came into it. I opted for the amnio because I wanted a definitive answer. If the test came back positive, I wanted time to research and prepare myself so that I could welcome the baby with an open heart and joy.I agree with everyone above, you make the decision that is right for you and your family, and I for one will support you. Good luck.

  203. I’m almost afraid to write this out as it will most certainly disrupt the heavy state of denial I’ve been living in, most recently.My husband hasn’t had sex with me in 6 years. He hasn’t really talked to me in over 4.
    I recently found out he’s been seriously abusing 3 legally prescribed stimulant drugs (for feigned ADD) and 1 prescribed anti-anxiety drug… But I can’t afford to go on antidepressants because we’re “broke”.
    His mother keeps calling me and asking when he will send the money he promised her for her hair dresser and cable bill, but I just canceled our basic cable because it has pretty much come down to either TV or food for us.
    Our bank acct is overdrawn and I am out of work with no relevant skills and at least 3 years away from my degree. Childcare to cover the time I am working or finishing said degree will cost more than I could possibly make in that amount of time.
    And lastly, my husband just told me this week that he’s concerned our child may have inherited his aunt’s and grandfather’s (previously undisclosed) schizophrenia.
    And, now excuse me while I lose my shit completely as he had every opportunity to tell me about the illness at any point before we had our child (like, say when they asked us point blank if we had mental illness in our families at the genetic screening or the time I met his “eccentric” aunt before we were married or even one of the numerous times I asked about his grandfather.)
    I am quite literally afraid to breathe or fall asleep at night. But it will get better, it has to.

  204. @ soveryanon: Oh honey, I wish I could ask you out for coffee or babysit for you while you took a hot bath, or something. None of which would solve your problems, but you need some serious destressing and nurturing before you can even begin to address your problems.Then, if you haven’t been to Al-Anon I would highly recommend that you go. Even if your husband isn’t a drinker it will help. Addiction of any kind in a close relationship is incredibly destructive and it’s nearly impossible to stay sane in the face of it without help and support.
    You will get through it. Feel free to email me if you want. maria at davidgrover dot com.

  205. Boy, I feel bad for ALL of you. I have been in certain situations, and some better. Now, I have one 2.5 year old and one 10 month old and a partner of 7 years who told me he doesnt love me. I am ‘mean’ to him by posting mean vents about him on Facebook, of which he breaks into my account to read. He is an internet addict and spends no time with the kids and talks to his brother all night on the phone. I cant leave. I have no money, he gives me none. The night I came home from having my Csection daughter (after no visits from him) he tells me as I hold my beautiful newborn daughter that our relationship is thru. He hates me and I am going to suffer from now on. Any toppers?

  206. @Cloud & @Erin, Thanks so much for writing in your experiences of spending the night away from the wee one(s). Every little bit gives me the courage to go and to have faith that everything will be OK.

  207. @jaxnmax – sorry to hear that you are in such a tough spot right now. I hope you find the strength, resources and faith you need to guide you and get you through.

  208. My SIL’s untreated anxiety is holding my brother hostage. His feelings go from one extreme to the other on any given day. On her good days, he’s hopeful for their future together, and on her bad days he calls me begging for help in getting out. Then today he tells me they have actually been trying to get pregnant for the last 3 months. SIL is so anxious and controlling that demanded he get his sperm checked after only 8 weeks of trying – and they are both only 32. Turns out he’s healthy. So she now insists on doing IUI. She went to 2 OBs who both turned her down but she finally found some idiot dr who would. This is not going to end well at all.

  209. Thanks to everyone who responded with helpful information about spotting (doing better now!!!!) and bad blood / nuchal fold tests. The insight, intelligent responses, and lack of judgement are why I love this site!!

  210. I go-My go getter of a husband spent most of the day wallering around on the couch (x6 hrs) b/c he is so exhuasted from his weekend ski trip with the boys. I stayed home with the 18 month old the entire weekend and no car. It snowed outside and was 17 degrees. Lock down. BG is going through a clingy phase and is on me like white on rice and has decided that she hates her crib. I have a cat that likes to pee on things- things like beds and carpet- pretty much anywhere in the house. Nothing like walking into a room and playing “whats that smell?” My mom sent out her Christmas cards using a family photo taken at Thanksgiving in which I pretty much look like Jabba the Hut.

  211. Ok, not a scream, more of a question, particularly for all of the mums/dads with sensitive, “spirited” kids: I know that the Ames and Ilg books (“Your X Year Old”) suggest that after 18 months or so kids go through periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium, and that the equilibrium should coincide with birthdays, and the disquilibrium should coincide with half birthdays. So, here’s the thing — is there anyone out there with an especially sensitive kid who also shows signs of disequilibrium at birthdays? My son is turning 3 tomorrow, and I’ve noticed that in the months leading up to each of his birthdays, including this one, he acts like he’s going through a growth spurt — wanting to be carried All The Time, having sleep issues again, being very controlling and obsessive about things being done Just So (“Don’t hand me my toast like THAT!”), along with showing some astonishing cognitive leaps. (He is also like this at half birthdays. Yippee.) I have been theorising that all kids go through some more minor sort of disequilibrium at birthdays, but that maybe just the sensitive ones (or even, just *some* of the sensitive ones) are bothered by it. Any one else notice this?

  212. I have finally, after one and a half years, broken up with my boyfriend after he slept with a teenage girl he found on the internet. I am in the process of selling a huge house in the suburban areas and trying to find out where I can afford to live in the city. We are supposedly sharing 50/50. I think it would be ideal if I could have 60-70% of the caring responsibility, but ex would probably take that to court and any hope of a friendly settlement would vanish.I met a guy through work. We´ve become very close friends. I´m completely in love. He´s been seriously considering leaving his girlfriend and now it seems he won´t, after all. Nothing physical has happened, and we´re both very clear that nothing physical should happen as long as he´s with her. But I just don´t think there´s anyone else I´ll ever match like that.
    I don´t want the 50/50.
    I do want to have a relationship with my friend.
    And I went to see my friend last night, as she was visiting her parents in the town we grew up. Got ill after eating in a restaurant and threw up all night. Finally called my mom and got her to pick me up, but regrets it badly. She´s on me constantly.
    I realise my mother is never going to change and still I desparately wish she´d be able to not criticize my every choice.

  213. @Cassieblanca, my daughter is like that. At 6 years old I’m finally starting to recognize that for the month (or two! Sigh) before her birthday AND half-birthday she gets edgy and difficult and right after things smooth out markedly. Knowing it does make it a lot easier to cope with.

  214. @Cloud & @Erin & the milliner – I went to Industrial Factory Prom (and dang, they didn’t crown a king and queen with a hard hat) and I ate a fancy dinner with wine and I only cut up my own food and the food was hot while I ate it. And the topper: both kids slept through the night while with Grandma and Grandpa. (And then came home the next night and didn’t for us.) Husband is now on a futile quest to figure out what was different at Grandma’s house so he can recreate it at our home. I think it’s futile. He’s ready to ditch the crib, set up the pack-n-play, raise the heat, feed formula, and so on. I’m just watching him go. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, no harm to me (except the gas bill for trying to get the room over 65 degrees at night).@soveryanon – You might be able to get subsidized day care through your state’s department of children and family services so you can go to school. Lots of people at my kids’ daycare get “Hoosier Works” subsidies. It lets people work to stay off of welfare or go to school to get skills.
    Also, I would like to recommend Al-Anon as well. It’s super awesome to help you figure out how to deal with other people’s self-destructive behavior. If you don’t like the first meeting you find, shop around a little to different meetings to see what you like. And you don’t have to go forever. You can pick up some of the books at the library (One Day at a Time, etc) and check it out.
    Elizabeth 1St – My husband wanted to know why the family photo I chose for our Christmas card was the one with the baby’s hand over his face…because it was the best picture of me (you know, the one where I only had one chin and wasn’t smiling like the Cheshire Cat and stretching out my nexk to prevent aforementioned double chinnage).
    @jaxmax – Don’t worry about the money angle if you need to go. There are programs to help with day care, job training, etc.

  215. @maria – I don’t know where you live, but you might find this set of links useful: http://violenceunsilenced.com/resources/It’s mostly a survivor’s site, but I know that the community there has occasionally been supportive of people who have still been right in the middle of things and needed financial or other resources to leave their situations.
    Also, the forums at nolongerquivering.com (a site sharing stories of women leaving oppressive/abusive situations mostly linked to religious hyper-fundamentalism) are very supportive and, if you’ll take the time to write up an introduction, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of positive feedback/brainstorming, as many of them have had to leave ugly situations.

  216. Cassieblanca,My spirited daughter is like that. She shows a few weeks of disturbance of terrible sleep, real clinging and cognitive leaps at three weeks before quarter birthdays, every three months, more similar disturbance lasting six weeks or so at half birthdays.
    She’ll be two in just over a month and like last year the birthday disturbance phase has already begun the same way.
    In her case the difficult phase pretty much goes away when the significant date has been reached.
    I sort of plan for it and lower standards and expectations and get as much done before the onset as I can. Like I have all my presents and cards and wrapping paper already, but getting them wrapped, written and sent won’t be at all easy !But the leaps are great.

  217. Ornament girl here. I am just getting back to read other people’s comments and I now realize that so many of you have offered to send me an ornament. I am truly touched!It occurs to me there might be something else we could do as a group this holiday season.
    I like others have been interested to read Maria’s posts about escaping a harmful relationship and moving to safety with her daughter. She has no health insurance and is struggling financially. Could she set up a bank account for us to send funds to? Those of us who have a few extra dollars to help her out? I will email Moxie with this request and perhaps she could help make this a reality.
    Thank you again for your kind words. If you really want to send me an ornament I will accept it with thanks. My work address is:
    M. Peterson
    Maryland Hall G-20
    28 Westhampton Way
    University of Richmond, VA 23173
    Peace to each of you!

  218. @maria – I just had lunch with my lawyer friend. Although this isn’t his area of law, he did have some suggestions. He said to contact the bar association in your state and/or the state of the case and ask them for recommendations. He said that they should be able to give you some names of people who specialize in custody issues, perhaps even some who have more familiarity with abuse cases. He also said that they can probably tell you about any special programs or free consults that you may qualify for.He also said that custody cases are tricky because it’s mostly he said/she said. If there is any legal documentation, like restraining orders of any sort or any police or other official reports of domestic abuse, that can help your case.
    As for whether or not to show up in court, he said that you do have to be served. If you are served and don’t show up, the judge could indeed grant custody to your ex without hearing your side, so that is something to consider. What you don’t want is for it to seem like you left out of spite or some other reason, because that would look bad for you rather than it being because abuse, which looks very bad for him.
    My friend was very sympathetic and hopes that you are able to find some counsel that can give you really good, solid advice. As do I.
    If you or the case is in Maryland, Virginia or DC, send me an email offline (obviously don’t say it here), and I might be able to get you more help.
    @Cassieblanca (love that name!) – My spirited daughter sounds like Wilhelmina’s in that we get what seem to be quarterly disturbances (in the Force that is my child). In fact, I had been trying to figure out why her disequilibrium didn’t correspond to the 1/2 cycles that others talk about, and it was reading Wilhelmina’s comment that made me realize that we have the same thing! (Thanks, @Wilhelmina!)
    I guess like all these child development stuff, the books don’t apply to every kid, especially mine. hehe.
    @Mary – Good to hear from you! I will send an ornament! And great idea about a fund for maria.

  219. @maria – Just to be sure I told him the situation correctly, you guys weren’t married, right? Cause I think divorce plus custody might be slightly different.

  220. @SarcastiCarrie- I’m glad you had a good time! I strongly suspect that what was different at the grandparents’ house is that you and your husband weren’t there, since we got similar behavior from leaving our daughter at our house with her grandparents. But as you say, if your husband wants to spend his energy trying to find some other factor, let him have at it. Maybe he’ll find something that works!@soveryanon- you don’t say how old your kid is. Schizophrenia doesn’t usually manifest until well into the teen years- it is exceedingly rare in children. Also, although there definitely seems to be a genetic component to it, it does not seem to be a straight inheritance thing. I don’t know if that helps you or not. I hope you can find your way forward out of your troubles soon.

  221. @SarcastiCarrie – Don’t you just love that – the only having to cut your own food and (AND!) being able to eat it while it’s hot, all in one meal! I love your description of your husband trying to re-create the magic setting for sleeping through the night. Ah…the motivation of those who still have hope! Heh. Anyhow, it all gives me hope that we will survive our first separation without too much trauma or drama.@Mary – So glad you checked back in & thanks for the address. Great idea for @Maria. I was looking for a way to give back this season that felt more personal, and what better way than to give back to those of you who have given so much to us through the comments on Ask Moxie.

  222. @cassieblancaI have noticed my big boy ( almost 5) has specific moments of disequilibrium that repeat themselves each year ( so far I have identified them at age 3 and 4). In his case the worse is around 2 months after a birthday ( it lasts at least 6 weeks) and then again, but not nearly as bad, at half birthday time. So slightsly different to what has been documented. He is an easy child BTW.
    My daughter ( 3 in a month) who is not sprited but not an easy kid either, is worse in the second half of the year, but I can not identify a particular moment of disequilibrium as, well, it just seems that there is never ending disequilibrium with her. But this time last year when she was approaching 2 there was one tantrum after the next, she slept shockingly, and so much damn crying. This year, she is so much better.
    One thing I do remember specifically ( and I’m curious to see if it repeats itself this year)is that suddenly out of the blue 3 days after her 2nd birthday, her nightwakings and wanderings stopped and she slept a solid 13 hours in a row!! for 2 nights straight, followed by a month or so of uninterrupted night sleeps.

  223. My rant for the day is entirely selfish. I feel that ever since I had my daughter, almost a year ago, I have not been myself.In retrospect I suffered some PPD at the beginning (I relate to the earlier poster who said that this time of year made her sad because it reminded her of this time last year…). But anyhow, I have been over that ever since I started getting sleep again (around 8mos).
    Yet, I still feel mentally and emotionally and MOTIVATIONALLY deficient. My work, which used to excite and thrill me, is now a struggle each & every day. Every once in a while I get involved in it again — but that’s oh-so-temporary now.
    I used to be one of those people that everyone looked at and said, “oh, she’s so organized/smart/motivated/caring.” Now I am someone who does just enough to get by. And I. Hate. That.
    (Especially because its dangerous. I can’t – can’t! – make mistakes in my work. It is not optional. Period.)
    But I don’t feel like I have the energy to be any other way.
    Please tell me it gets better?!

  224. mlr – It does get better. Really. It does. In my line of work, you need to be accurate, but you don’t need to have much passion (engineering), so as long as I was accurate, I didn’t need to have any particular energy for working, which is good because energy, I did not have. It took until my first child was 14 months before I felt like I was fully engaged in work again, and 18 months before I felt like doing anything other than the bare minimum to get by.My second is 12 months now and I am performing at work. Adequately. Even with passion from time-to-time. It’s coming back again.

  225. Yes, mlr, it does get better. You may not go back to exactly how you were before your daughter was born, but you will settle into a new normal and it will be good.I can’t remember when that really clicked for me, but it was sometime after my first daughter’s first birthday.
    Give yourself time. But you may also want try to carve out some space somewhere to figure out what the new normal is. For me, blogging was that space- I could squeeze it in whenever my schedule allowed it, but it was something just for me. Other women I know found that their workouts were the space they needed.

  226. @ Mary and others… I don’t know what to say about this lovely, generous idea you’ve had. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and yet I feel awkward thinking about it. There must be people in more need than I am – no, we don’t have health insurance, but we have food, clothing and shelter and lots of comforts. Anyway, my heart is full with the warmth from you all.

  227. @mirI think my second was just over a year old when I actually started reading again for pleasure. I just couldn’t concentrate on anything other than my kids and the day to day running of the house. I found it really hard to be ‘present’ with my students and explain concepts that I could have done rubbbing my stomach and patting my head before my kids were born.
    Now that my kids are older (3and 5)and don’t need me in the same way as before, I am less drained by their needs and therefore have more energy to concentrate on myself. I have recently started running again after a 5 year break and it feels so good doing something I love that is good for me too. This was impossible even just a year ago when I was still breastfeeding the little one, trying to potty train, run the house, contribute to the finances.
    As others have said, it just takes time. 8 months is still right at the start of motherhood.

  228. @Mir, like the other posters, I started “feeling myself” again around my baby’s first birthday. I hadn’t had a clear idea that I wasn’t myself, and then one day I just felt like myself again – like a whole person, with energy and focus and ambition at work. It also helped me enjoy being with my son even more. It wasn’t connected with sleep or any changes I made, it was just some biorhythmic postpartum process. Every mother feels that shift at a different place, but it *will* get better.

  229. @mlr – ITA with all of the above comments – it does get better… with time. It took what felt like an eternity to get my body back to some semblance of normal (“the new normal” not the same at all). So it stands to reason the emotional side is going to take just as long as the physical, if not longer. The first year of adding a child to a family is certainly a period of major transition – it is Survival Mode. Not the best time to make any big major permanent life decisions. Once I had my first baby, I also stopped giving a crap about work, and at about the 8 mo mark I ended up switching careers and moving across the country. If I had only waited it out a bit longer, I probably could have stayed in that job. Things worked out ok though. Just glad I didn’t take the same “must move on” attitude with regard to the ups and downs of my marriage!

  230. Ah, I was just about to post that Mary had sent me her address for ornaments, and saw that she did it herself!So, let’s ornament away.
    And…so much hurt and anxiety and worry out there. I wish I could do something more than say “sending good thoughts your way.”

  231. Did I say my husband’s efforts were futile? Oh, well, I was WRONG. His effort is brilliant. Brilliant. 68 degrees in Bobo’s room and a 6-ounce formula bottle before bed and I didn’t hear a peep out of him until 5:30 this morning. Is it my birthday and Christmas? But I am not bragging because that is the surest way for it never to happen again.(This does prove to me that he was waking up legit to eat, though and that CIO would have been kind of mean for him…since he was hungry.)

  232. @SarcastiCarrie: That’s bloody amazing about the sleep! Wow! My son (3yr old) sleeps beautifully at his grandparents’s place and at my sister’s place, with his four cousins, he went to bed with the others, stayed in bed when my sister turned out the light and walked out and he slept all night! (This is a kid who still wakes up every night at least once and refuses to sleep anywhere at home other than my bed.)Having said that, we went on holidays recently with friends and he fell very nicely into the other kids’ bedtime routines so I’ve tried to replicate that from the second we got home and it has worked in terms of making bedtime actually happen between 8 and 9pm (a miracle).
    @mlr: As with all the other comments above, it took me ages to feel passionate about anything at all for about a year and a half. Being able to read again was a huge thing, and wanting to listen to music. Energy is finite really and babies and toddlers require vast amounts of it, mostly from you.
    Having said that, if it’s making you terribly sad it’s not a bad idea to get some counselling. It can help remind you of how to find pleasure in things (you can forget how to do that!). Well worth it. Things don’t have to be desperate to get some help in that direction.

  233. @SarcastiCarrie – O.M.G. That is unbelieveably amazing. Hope for those who have long given up hope in the sleeping through department! Fingers crossed that it continues for many, many nights.

  234. @SarcastiCarrie – Can we trade husbands for a day or two? Mine is really nice and cute and can grill a mean steak. Yours can solve sleep problems. Seems like a fair trade to me. Deal? Deal.

  235. Well, you know, not counting chickens and whatnot. I still have hope that I will sleep again…just not last night. So, it’s a work in progress, but now that I know it is possible, I have renewed energy stores.

  236. Thank you, thank you, all. I can’t tell you how much your posts mean to me! (And Carrie – thank you, also, for blogging about how you’re dealing with the no-pumping thing! I have a feeling that I’m going to experience a similar trajectory to yours. My frozen stash is quickly being depleted, so it may be time, finally to make peace with formula…)Anyhow, our little bear’s first birthday is next week so I’ll keep hoping that things will continue to improve :). I’m a physician & a researcher & a professor, and struggle with “not giving my all” to each of the hats that I wear.
    That said, I still can’t imagine deciding to take the plunge into having a 2nd one… A topic for another post, I guess…
    (And thank you, Moxie, for creating this community!)

  237. While we’re doing post-natal period ineuqities, how about the , complete with PM defending the headline, about the allegedly abandoning mother of the found baby in Victoria? I write allegedly because not once in the media coverage of this have I seen a single acknowledgement of the possibility that the mother might not have relinquished this baby willingly, that the baby might have been taken away from her by disapproving relatives or by the baby’s father. Even if she had relinquished the baby willingly I wouldn’t disapprove if she knew she wasn’t capable for whatever reason, then I totally understand. But the possibility that the mother is anguished and restrained against her will by a person or persons ashamed or otherwise antagonistic to the pregnancy has not once been raised by the media.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *