I am OK, but am worried about my best friend (she's in danger), and if anyone who prays could pray for K, that would be lovely.
I just pulled this out of the comments from last week:
unmoored and defeated. I had a life I liked before I got pregnant. I
knew it would mean giving up at least my career to have a baby. And it
has. I don't mean to be melodramatic: I knew there was a cost, and I
went in with my eyes open. I just didn't know that the cost was going
to feel like it was… everything."
Have you ever been in the ocean, and a big wave comes and you close your eyes and take a breath and let the wave wash over you and it's scary but you know if you just stay still and keep kicking your legs you'll eventually break the surface once the wave passes?
Contrast that to seeing the wave coming and struggling to stay above it, kicking and clawing furiously and struggling struggling and feeling like it's sucking you under.
I think the first few weeks/months/years/decades of parenting are like being in the ocean and having wave after wave come. If you know it's coming, and it's going to be scary and not AT ALL like standing on dry land was, you can accept that and let yourself go under while it passes. And then your head is above water again. It's not like standing on dry land was. Ever. But floating and swimming and turning into a mermaid can be just as much if not more fun once you're used to it.
If you fight and berate yourself for not seeing the wave coming or for going out into the ocean in the first place or for not loving the wave or not floating on top of it, though, it can really suck you under.
I don't know if that analogy is useful or just strikes you as stupid, but it's how I've always seen the enormous cosmic hazing of the first few months of mothering. Like everything you thought you knew is taken away from you, and you have to build yourself back into place, piece by piece.
Did anyone else experience this? Did anything help you feel more connected to your baby and to your new role and your new life?