System freeze

So I kind of had a mini-system freeze yesterday, in which everything was like moving through pudding.

I wonder if we're starting to hit the intersection of Overload and Illness. So far we've had one wave of head cold Chez Moxie.

And we've started talking about Halloween costumes.

And are making plans for Thanksgiving.

And I know what I'm getting the kids for Christmas.

And all this before I'm even wearing a coat to work in the morning.

When did I become this person?

Something more useful later on today. Comments, please, on whatever you want.

118 thoughts on “System freeze”

  1. I asked the 2.5yr old what he wants to be for Halloween the other day. He said “Finding Nemo.” I said, “You want to be Nemo?” He said, “NO! Finding Nemo!” I am not entirely sure how to accomplish that….I am bummed about Thanksgiving, which is my family’s biiiiiig holiday. I have surgery lab until at least 5pm that Wednesday, and we’re an 8hr drive from my parents’ house, so I don’t think we’ll be going home this year.
    I haven’t even considered thinking about Christmas.

  2. My 2.5-y.o. girl decided she wants to be a bear, solely because she’s seen pictures of last Halloween, when she was also a bear. Just waiting for the eBay’d costume to arrive…As for me: moving thru pudding about describes it. Head cold + mutual fund report to write + other deadlines = bummer.

  3. Yay! Finally — after a year of planning — we’re getting started on our remodel!Boo! We have to move out for 6-8 months to make things go more smoothly and quickly.
    Yay! We found a rental that accepts pets (60lb lab mix) near a park and close to preschool (for the 3 & 5 year-old).
    Boo! Have to pack up the house — some stuff in storage (garage), some moving to temporary residence.
    Yay! Started moving things into the garage this weekend. Progress!
    Boo! Have to sort out things that we will need for the next 6-8 months which will include Halloween, Holidays (+ gifts) and three birthdays (5yo, 3yo, 9mo). We’ll just ignore DH and my birthdays this year — we’re getting a second bathroom (and a new kitchen — with dishwasher!!! — and a third bedroom and a whole house heating/cooling system). I’ve got Christmas and birthday gifts in the garage (Yay!), but I have to find a place to put them so that I can remember and find them when the time comes.
    Yay! Let’s streamline! (Okay, not really — we’re just frantically taping boxes together during preschool/naptime and stuffing them full of everything.)
    Boo! How am I going to pack enough clothes for the kids (winter, even in California means warmer clothes), plus the kids are growing like weeds!
    Yay! Several more weeks until we move, and Grandma & Grandpa are coming to visit & entertain the kids.
    Boo! (or maybe Yay!?) Everyone canceled plans to visit us for Thanksgiving.

  4. Whatever we want eh?My son (3y8m)is getting smacked around a bit by one of his ex-friends (a girl of the same age)this year at kindergarten. He just stands there and takes it. We don’t want to encourage violence and so tell him to tell her he doesn’t like it, it’s bad and run to tell the teacher and me when he gets home. His 20.5 sister also smacks him round a bit and he doesn’t do anything either( although he did used to push/smack her around a bit before but seems to have turned over a new leaf). I’m worried that he’ll never learn to defend himself in the right way (and turn into a ‘dobber’ (tattle-taler))

  5. I’m 35 weeks pregnant today and have yet to make any plans for where this new baby will live after he outgrows the cradle in our bedroom. I’d really rather he didn’t have to room in with his big sister (who will be 22 months older than him) but I’m not seeing much option right now unless we win the lottery and get to build in the garage. On the upside, I’m only a little over a month from getting to meet him! I always hear myself whining about this and think “He has diapers and clothes, and I have boobs, everything else can be sorted out.” It’s just living with that zen statement as my actual attitude that’s getting hard!

  6. Super excited about Hallowe’en. DS was ony 5 weeks last year so didn’t dress him, but I have big plans this year…… now if only I knew if he’ll be walking at Hallowe’en. He seems to be getting close (i.e. walking with a push toy). But….. walking ability affects my…ahem…I mean, HIS costume plans.Hee – life MUST be going well for me if this is my big dilemma.
    Also, I just discovered Cold FX and the last two times I felt a cold coming on I took these and the cold miraculously passed before it arrived.

  7. For Halloween, the 3YO wants to be some sort of cross between Batman and a guinea pig. Any of those on eBay?My MIL has commandeered Thanksgiving this year. The woman cannot cook. She will not accept help.

  8. asking 4yo DD what she wants to be for halloween. Getting a different answer everyday. There will come a time, prob a day or 2 before halloween, that she will have to pick one and stick with it. Hopefully that’s when all the costumes are 50% off !!

  9. What I want to talk about is how I’m in a massive funk again. AD medication STILL making me feel kind of woozy and out of it. I’ve been on it for 5 months now. I just don’t have it in me to try another type. HATE, HATE, HATE my job and want everybody here to leave me alone. Miss my child but don’t think staying home full-time is the solution either.

  10. I bought plane tickets for Thanksgiving this morning. It was an ordeal, and the trip itself will be an ordeal, and it’s all so expensive. But we skipped it last year and my husband hasn’t made it in several years, and like Maura, it’s the biiiig holiday, the only time I see my cousins. So.Kelli, might it be easier to just bring all the kids’ clothes, and as you find stuff that isn’t useful throw it in a box and take it back to the garage? One less thing to worry about now.

  11. @paola, there’s an article on StorkNet.com about ‘reporting’ (rather than tattling) – there’s a slightly different spin to it, and some good ideas on how to communicate when to say something only to yourself, or also to the other person, and also when to report ‘up’ to an authority. The difference between tattling and ‘reporting’ for me is knowing under what conditions to report where.I had the same worry with Miss M – it turned out to be an anxiety issue, in that she locks up and goes further inside herself when she’s overwhelmed, not because she gets NO ‘fight’ response but because she goes past the ‘fight’ response so fast that she didn’t notice it. No tears, no anger, just crumple. Once we dealt better with the anxiety (partly diet, for her, but also strategies and social stories and coaching), she was able to stand up for herself much better. Might be an angle to explore (there was a post on parenthacks.com recently about social stories – they’re used a lot for kids on the autism spectrum, but they’re really useful for everyone!).
    For me…
    Halloween is going to be a challenge. I’ve got two kilts and two dresses to make for a wedding (the kids are in the wedding, and yes, I make the kilts, but they’re not the hard part, the dresses are). That’s right after Halloween. For Halloween, B has been changing his ideas several times a day. We’ve gone through 4 ‘okay, this is THE costume, I’m certain, I won’t change my mind this time!’ options, including a centaur, a mer-man, and something sort-of bionicle-ish, and are now at dragon-boy (part boy part dragon). Okee… nobody else has formulated much opinion, other than to rummage through the costumes at my mom’s house and assemble something to combine with whatever I’ve made lately. I think M wants to be a shark, though.
    Fortunately, it looks like I might have ‘time’ – not loads (since I’m going to be working in my unemployed time), but more flexibility to apply to the process than usual. Job market sucks. I keep seeing the same jobs posted on a circulating basis, and the vast majority are an hour-plus away. I just can’t do that again. I better get that book going FAST… and the other book, too. And the website. And… and unemployment sucks, but if I can get the books going, that would make it a good thing. Right? Turn me from a writer into an author. That’d be good. Better if I get paid for it, too.

  12. Slim – I hope she’s planning to pay someone for food. Maybe you guys can eat before you go, just in case? Yuck.Shannon – Sorry about the funk. Funks seem especially funky when you’re going into the holiday season I think. Here’s hoping you pull out of it!

  13. Any advice on what to do with a 2 year-old who refuses to nap at home? About four months ago we moved her into a toddler bed because she kept climbing out of her crib. For a while she would stay in the bed for naps, but not lately. Yesterday I tried rocking her, but she squirmed out of my arms several times. After 45 minutes of struggling, I lost any ground I’d gained when the 4 year-old ran into the room announcing that his “quiet time” was over. So we tried a stroller nap, which usually works, but didn’t yesterday. I finally resorted to a nap ride in the car. After about 20 minutes of aimless driving, she fell asleep. Of course, as soon as I pulled into our driveway, she woke up. She has no problem napping at child-care (three days a week), and she will sometimes go to sleep (after a struggle) for DH. She didn’t seem over-tired at bedtime, even with the short nap, but I think she still needs the nap, and I know *I* need the nap. Help!

  14. An ARRRRGH for Shannon. No solutions, but a big AAARRRRGH for you.Eldest wants to be a cowgirl for Halloween. Our daycare provider gave us cowgirl costumes that she picked up at a yard sale–one for Eldest and also Younger. Tremendous cuteness will ensue. Her birthday is coming up, too, so we’re having a cowgirl themed party.
    I’ve been training for a 10 mile race that will take place on October 5th. Can’t believe I made it this far. I quit smoking a year ago, for good, after several attempts… I just can’t believe my body has been able to recover and get so strong! I feel so grateful and have met so many great people. The world has really opened up for me in so many ways this past year.

  15. Also, Hydrogeek- my kids have all spent btwn 6-18 months in a pack’n’play in my room, the second two bc I hadn’thaven’t decided where to put them. The first was a one bedroom apartment, so that took all decision making right out of the situation.

  16. @Shannon – a big “ARGH” for you, and also a “don’t give up!”Your posts inspired me to try ADs and they’re working – I’m in a rough job situation (long story short, maybe I shouldn’t have decided to try management in the middle of the first year of my son’s life) and have always been prone to depression – the combination of new, hard job and new, challenging baby was knocking me way, way off kilter. I cried every morning.
    Your posts reaching out for help and discussing what you were doing to get it really, really inspired me. I finally got off my sad butt and saw a psychiatrist and got a scrip for Z0l0ft. 4 weeks down the road, I am feeling so, so much better. Better in a way I didn’t think I had in me. and I know I’m being a better mother to my son.
    So THANK YOU!!!!!! and DON’T GIVE UP!!!! – you are obviously a smart and determined woman who knows how to find the support you need, and who has given support to others.
    Good luck and I’ll be thinking about you.

  17. With 2 working parents & 2 small boys, Halloween is something we decided to “outsource” (as opposed to making handmade costumes like my mom did for me & my brothers year after year).This year my boys are wearing costumes courtesy of Old Navy, which is now having a huge sale – http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/category.do?cid=37292
    We ordered the wizard costumes for both of them (20 months & 3 years – I’m a sucker for matching costumes while they will still tolerate it) and they are really great – the fleece is soft & warm for a MN October (easy to put layers on underneath) and the boys have both enjoyed wearing the hats around the house already & playing with the magic wands we borrowed from my mom. We’re lucky that neither one has shown a huge preference yet for their costume – next year may be much more difficult when we have an opinionated 4 year old who won’t take whatever Mama buys.

  18. I have nothing on the sleep front. I’m thinking wine (for you not the kids…although).Child told me in passing he wants to be the Hulk for Halloween, but not the Incredible Hulk, so huh? His vampire costume from last year was a cape from Cracker Barrel that lights up and is so cute, I’d really like him to wear it again. Otherwise, can I wear it?
    Costco has the Christmas trees up and playing music and seriously, it was just after Labor Day. I’m planning on doing all the Christmas shopping before New Baby arrives (sometime, I don’t know 6-10 weeks from now), but as I ask my sister and sister-in-law what my niece and nephew might like, I get blank stares. And what size will they be? They don’t know. I mean, take a guess. She’s a size 5 now, they don’t grow that much at this age, so maybe size 5 if I do winter clothes and 6 if I do spring? Maybe? A little help here? Or gift cards. Can I totally get away with gift cards to thougthful locales since I am pregnant? Or maybe learning toys? Or books?

  19. @kelli – love how you portrayed the rollercoaster ride that is your life. yay…boo..yay…boo. My stomach is a little queasy.My dilemnas…dilemni?: We are on “vacation” in DC and we have been visiting a lot of the friends that we haven’t seen since we moved west. Part of the problem is that my DH and I have traded in the uber-competitive, somewhat superficial life we knew in DC for an all-around healthier, more authentic and soul-satisfying life in Colorado. Which makes us “different” from not only who were we were when we left, but those we left behind. And while it’s been great to see everyone, it’s also been incredibly taxing…especially visiting friends who are not parents.
    First scenario – DH went to watch the Steelers game at a friends’ house and I arrived a bit later…they have the least childproofed-house I’ve ever been in. Million dollar townhouse that is narrow and full. 70″ HD tv a foot from the floor, a thousand outlets that are either uncovered or being used, three laptops on coffee tables, and tons of glassware. Downright dangerous, IMO. My muppet’s 14 month old eyes are literally spinning in his head – so much to destroy, so little time.
    Anyway, I arrive and spend the next half hour or so either scooping Muppet up because he has run to the top of the stairs for the 20th time in seconds or telling him “no” as he tries to unplug the tv or tries to wipe the coffee table clean of a stack of very important looking documents or tries to unroll the toilet paper or tries to empty the bar of all it’s beautiful bottles of Chambourd and Grey Goose and do you think anyone will notice if I just take a little taste?…well, you get the pciture.
    My DH didn’t adequately convey to them the time constraints and we end up at Muppet’s dinner time and there’s no food ready (“Oh, we thought we’d start cooking once the game was over”) and there’s no grocery store nearby and DH brought nothing (Oh, I thought he’d eat whatever we’re eating”) and so I’ve been in this house a matter of minutes, my child is doing that whimper that I know will quickly escalate into a hysterical scream and I’m getting a little flustered because everyone is eating in front of him (brie and figs and all very delicious things that my starving Muppet won’t/can’t eat and I would love to sit and munch on but alas I have to find this kid some food!) and the wife is very sweetly offering things like mixed nuts, tortilla chips and sliced bread for Muppet to eat. We finally settle on lots of fat-free yogurt, some water crackers, and all the smooshed up baby snacks I have squirreled away in my purse for moments just like this. He eats enough to alleviate the hysteria, but not enough to sleep through the night. Awesome.
    After Muppet finishes dinner, I start packing stuff up, not even considering that my DH wants to stay. He stage whispers something along the lines of “Oh, I thought we could just put him to bed here and then drive him back to the hotel later,” to which I respond, “Is the Pack N Play set up already?” and he responds, “Oh no, I forgot to ask The S’s for their PnP.” Hmph. The hostess very sweetly offers up the guest bed where we can just surround Muppet with pillows. I can’t help it – my eyebrows practically hit their vaulted ceilings. I do this little shake of my head, a rattle is more like it, and force a smile. “Oh, (this seems to be how everyone else starts their sentences, so I’ve adopted it as my own) that’s sweet of you to offer, but the crib barely contains Muppet, I can’t imagine that a few pillows will do much to protect him from himself.” I just love her for her sweet naiveity.
    This is where my DH starts to resign himself to missing the rest of the game (what was he thinking?!?) and I start to resign myself to being that mom…the uptight, remember-when-she-was-fun-and-laid-back-and-easy-going?, party-pooping, no brie eating, shrew who forces smiles and no longer wears really trendy clothes and gets manis and pedis and keeps up with the Kardashians. I briefly wonder how accurate my self-image is and quickly thank our friends for having us over, pausing for a few moments on the way out to look at their honeymoon pictures (ah, Italy) and reminding myself that pretty soon the tables will turn and they will be the flustered new parents and I…well, I’ll be somewhere else in my life, still worrying about what’s most important. My hungry little Muppet.

  20. SarcastiCarrie, hard to go wrong with books. Or clothes with a gift receipt, if the store will promise to honor it in January. You can get away with *whatever you want* for being thoughtful enough to plan for gifts when you’ll have a newborn during the holidays.

  21. @slim “For Halloween, the 3YO wants to be some sort of cross between Batman and a guinea pig.”Does that make you child a BatCavy? As in Back to the BatCavy, Robin! 😉

  22. I am SO excited for Halloween. My 14 month old son is going to be a PEANUT. I found the costume at Target. I heart Target.And we always Thanksgiving and/or Christmas figured out by this time of year. We have to because my in-laws are divorced. And joint holidays are *NOT* an option.

  23. Ah, the 9.5 month sleeptime woes…Muppet learned to sleep through the night at 11ish months, so I don’t remember if there was any real difference for us at 9.5 months or if he was still getting up every 2-3 hours (seriously) but I…might…have…words…of…advice!Muppet started waking up again about 3 weeks ago after he dropped his 10pm feeding. Went to the pediatrician who I found out just had his first child (don’t get me started on this…we still love/trust/revere him but are you f’ing kidding me? So where did all his parenting advice come from? TV?) Anway, Muppet had cried so much one night that I gave him his sippy cup to replenish the fluids he’d lost through all those tears and he downed the entire sippy cup and passed out. The next night we nursed, he guzzled some water and slept throught the night again (well, 7pm to 5am) and this has been our system ever since.
    So 9.5 months might just be a shitty time when it comes to sleep, but it could be something crazy, like they’re thirsty.

  24. @jlg…i have a 2 year old boy who struggles to nap for me, yet will nap quite happily for his dad. my advice is to give up. i find that he might not nap for a day or two, then have a big one which restores my sanity. on the days he doesn’t nap, he goes to bed a bit earlier or falls asleep in his dinner. one trick is to get her to play on her bed, tell her she doesn’t have to go to sleep but she must stay on her bed. give her some little toys or some books and turn on some music. pretend you have some important work to do and go out of the room, noisily doing such work so she knows you are nearby. don’t close the door or anything like that. chances are she will play, then cry a little, only a little, and next thing you’ll hear silence and she’ll be slumped in her toys. this works 2 out of 3 times for me, but he’s getting wise to it….hope that helps a little. i think there comes a point when they can cope without a nap, but mom is still desperate for that mental space! i think Moxie once said, don’t make the whole day about the nap, if it happens it happens. don’t stress if she misses a nap. maybe it’ll just start to become more of a quiet time than a sleeping time. good luck!

  25. nej, I have been there! And your post decribed it perfectly. A very small, slightly vindictive part of me is looking forward to seeing my brother and his wife have children because the things that they come up with….. you know, comments like, “Yes, I understand how it is, I used to baby sit”, “He’s not walking yet? How come?” “Maybe you could keep him away from the fireplace” (Ummm, maybe you could turn your fireplace off during our brief visit).

  26. Husband left yesterday afternoon for work conference. Will be back late, late Saturday night. I think I will be fine up until Friday afternoon, at which point I will need some relief!The question is: do I decamp and spend Shabbat with my ILs, who will entertain the kids and assure me a nap, but then I have to eat their food (not my style) and not be able to go to bed at 8:30pm if that is my wish. I get kind of grouchy and don’t sleep well away from home.
    Or, do I spend Shabbat at home, get to go to bed early, and ask around for a lunch invite/kids playdate that will probably get me a nap with the little one?
    Oh, and when did I become the person who freaks out about not being able to get to the gym? To run off my tension, I mean. I usually go MWF at 6 am, but can’t because there will be no warm body in the bed to take care of the kids if need be. I will go Thursday when my babysitter is here, squandering valuable freelance time, but that is two days away! Ack!

  27. @nej & Jac – I can also totally relate! Recently, while visiting a some old friends we casually mentioned how sleep deprived we were with the baby. Our friend said, “Oh yes, I know how it feels to be tired. My wife (a physician) gets up really early to make her rounds and sometimes wakes me up.” He was totally serious. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  28. @ Chaya and Cathy: 9.5 month non-sleep SUCKS. It’s definitely one of those “by whatever means possible” times!Chaya – I think we may either do the PnP, or just bring the crib into our room. My husband has an office, but the windows are so bad you can actually feel the wind blow in there, so I don’t consider that an option!
    Too bad we all don’t have unlimited time and money, huh? That could solve all the physical problems, anyway.

  29. Nej, my husband is from that area and still has an aunt and cousin there that he and I are close to… they are on the hamster wheel, for sure. I love them very much, but you nail it–it’s a whole different thing there. I actually cried a little the first time I visited her house. I was so freaked out by it. It’s too much, just too much. It’s a crazy culture.jlg, zimbabweanjen said what I would say, only better. I really found that, at the end with Eldest, the work (and stress) I was putting into getting Eldest to nap was negating all the benefits from it I was trying to get. Still, it’s hard to let go of that quiet time for yourself, I know.

  30. Daycare drop off was hard last week, and TERRIBLE yesterday. Kiddo was full-on sobbing when I left. Today was much better, but I’m still sort of shaken up. We are all running out of patience in the family.I need to figure out the legal stuff (are our hospital visitation things still good now that we moved? We need a delegation of parental authority for this new kid. Where is the folder with all our legal paperwork? Must find in case of hospital transfer. Must find atty for second-parent adoption. OMG WE NEED TO GET THIS PLACE OKAY FOR A HOMESTUDY!). I need to get the house in order before the birth.
    I am going to/have to give birth soon. I don’t know how to do that. Who is going to watch my daughter if my mom doesn’t make it out in time?
    My anxiety level is a little high right now. Halloween? Thanksgiving? Christmas? No brain space for those although I know we need to make plans.

  31. @nej, Cool! G had the same problem, but I’d totally forgotten! Write that one down.Sorry about the misery revisiting your old life, too. I hope your DH realized eventually that he can look in through the glass, but he can’t actually go in without leaving you both outside, or working with what’s inside actively to make it possible. It takes practice. It can be done, but it takes practice. Sucky feeling alone and being the bad guy.
    @Shannon, I hope something eases up for you. I just realized yesterday that diet is playing a much bigger role than I expected, because I had a hard crash a day after eating a wee bit more fruit than usual (not even loads, just a reasonable amount)… damn Fructose Malabsorption, guess who seems to have a nice case of it (minus GI symptoms, thankfully), and having stayed off the fruit for the intervening days, my mood came back up. No change in supplements. Not saying that’s THE answer, but not sure if you’ve tried it – if it improves your baseline in any way, it might be worth it (look up Low FODMAPs Diet).
    @SarcastiCarrie, books always work, IMHO. If the girl is into cute, hair thingies also might apply. No size issues. I’d still go with books. (Or gift card to book store… we do a lot of gift card to book store, as that is what our younger-generation relatives mainly ask for.)

  32. @SarcastiCarrie – 2 December births here – gift cards are fine, so are books (very easy to buy online!), hair pretties, etc. Holiday cards are completely optional (if that was even a concern).@nej – ah. Well written – those times tend to be quite the learning experiences.

  33. We just spent the last 2 weekends out of town, and now it does feel like this is the sprint to the end of the year. Especially because we have kindergarten tours between now and the end of the year–I need to come up with 7 ranked choices for public schools, look at charter schools separately, and decide which if any privates to apply to.Halloween (always big in SF)–Mouse wants to be Cinderella. Really really really wants it. Since princesses give me a rash, I had been subtly pushing for Rapunzel, which would be a much easier costume and still girly and isn’t technically a princess…but no luck. She’s bonkers about Cinderella. I do bless the librarian who has been sending her home with different versions of Cinderella each week, so at least she has some ideas beyond the D*sney version–but I am so screwed on executing those ideas! She really wants to be both the ragged and fancy Cinderellas, so we’ve come up with this idea of an apron that opens up into a frilly skirt and velcros together in the back or something. We bought the base “ragged” dress and just need so sew some patches on that…but the transformation thing, well, we’ll just have to “make it work”. (The fact that Project Runway is on during September seems to always tempt me to bite off more than I can chew).
    Thanksgiving we’re staying in town for sure, hopefully just having a few friends at our house.
    Xmas…we’ll see. Thought we were going to visit my parents for their 40th, which is just before xmas, but then they decided they may not want us, so we may be able to keep the traveling minimal.
    Halloween, school, and election (trying to get my Fridays clear from my theoretically 3/4 time job so I can volunteer) are front and center for now.

  34. Work, work, work, work and work.I am five steps behind in everything and I am really struggling with my ADHD… never considered medical help for it before (I have COPING skillz) but when everything is so raw and unorganized it becomes hard to use the coping skills I’ve developed. Yesterday I was in physical discomfort because I was forcing myself to remain on a task for several minutes after my brain told me to get up and do something else (30 seconds in I wanted to switch gears). It’s become a problem.
    Husband works so much I can’t hold things together at home by myself, especially with E. who is kind of a difficult (though charming, funny and beautiful) child.
    I’ve decided to forgo halloween again. He’s really too young to get into it at <2 years and the fun part of halloween here is sitting on the stoop of the neighbor's house and drinking a beer while the kids walk by.
    Next year we'll start on costumes in september.

  35. jlg, you know I really feel for you, and I struggle so much with this, especially when I see he’s tired and I can fantasise about the hour and a half to myself I’d get if he’d just take a nap…or when my husband lies him down on the bed and he’s asleep for hours with no tears and I wonder what I’m doing wrong. But some days it’s not worth the anguish and you’re almost better getting them out or interested in something. Not ideal but trying to get someone to nap when they just WON’T is physically draining, and you have to give up sometimes. Totally empathise with you. Make sure you go to bed early once in a while to combat the tiredness!:o)

  36. I am so sad over the potential loss of a friend (no, no, not dead). She and I had a falling out over a miscommunication perhaps. This friend is the impulsive, emotional type who will offend just about everyone and anyone and will burn bridges left and right. However, she had never been this way to me and gosh darn it I loved her for being herself because it also made her a warm and generous person (in spite of the impulsive hurtful things she would often throw at people). I know, I know. I should have seen it coming. Now it’s caught up with me and she has now treated me unfairly and hurtfully. She and her husband don’t have children so she doesn’t quite understand what it’s like to be frazzled which I lately find myself being more often than not. My two year old is a bit of a pill and I am very pregnant….and a SAHM with few breaks. So, she lectured me about being disorganized and I snapped back at her and that was that. Friendships are hard to lose, but I also feel like I don’t want that type of high-maintenance relationship in my life. sigh…no solutions. Just sadness.

  37. @nej, at least it made a great story? Also, you were not the one doing things wrong there, you know.My 26 month old has suddenly become incredibly clingy – mommy mommy mommy how many times can a child say mommy in one minute? Must he fall asleep with his sweaty face pressed into mine? And lo, I looked back at my journal for #1 and at this age she would sob on the bathroom floor while I took a shower. So, I guess it is a phase, and I will try not to jump out of my skin while it lasts.
    For Halloween, I think my mother is coming, and she was planning on staying a WEEK, and I had to tell her that she should make it 5 days, tops, since we always fight on day 5. (We do, I started tracking it!) SHE can be Martha Stewart.

  38. I’m freaking out because DH will be out of town for 2 nights and how will I deal with my son (18mo) who we’re trying to night-wean? It’s been almost 3 weeks now that he hasn’t had any boob between 7pm and 6am, but still almost every night he screams at some point in dad’s arms, and it’s MUCH worse if I’m in the room. Will I just cave? Will it matter? How much screaming can I take? It breaks my heart to see him desperately signing for “more milk”. What if his twin brother wakes up during said screaming? At least brother has forgotten that boobs work during the night.

  39. The little one is walking, toddling all over now and it is soooooooooo cute. He is also in a total screaming for attention phase. Sometimes in frustration, mostly just to communicate. I’m across the room I need Mom to look at me so I’ll scream – it works every time and I see no end in sight. It is at a decibel that defies a non-response. And he’s been waking up with that charming scream one to two times a night with no real pattern going on two weeks now. Not as bad as many of you have it but the lack of a predictable pattern is really about to send me over the edge. Will he sleep til 5, wake at 1 and again at 4, 2 and then 3? No idea. But last night he even woke his dead to the world brother up – “Mom, can you get him a bottle, pleeeeeease.” It was pretty funny at 2 am.

  40. @toomuchstrong:”Friendships are hard to lose, but I also feel like I don’t want that type of high-maintenance relationship in my life.”
    So hard, and sad, even if it’s the Right Thing. I’ve also lost and/or let go two friendships since having a child. No energy for that level of maintenance. Several years later, I’m still simultaneously saddened and relieved about both.

  41. I’m soooo tired of thinking about my 21 month old son’s speech delay. I need to accept that there are no good answers why, and stop feeling jealous of all the other moms, whose kids all speak.We spent literally thousands of dollars on plane tickets this week. Brother’s wedding in Oct., Thanksgiving in Nov., Xmas in December….ugh. And still we NEVER feel like we visit nearly enough to make our families happy. We still get more pressure. In the middle of a visit we always get, “so, when’s the next time you’ll be here?” However we exhaust our budget, it’s never good enough.
    But I’m pregnant now, and I’m not traveling after #2 gets here. Not for like, a year. So I’ll get the visits over with now, and they’ll just have to get to us if they want a visit after that.

  42. re Halloween: I’ve asked 3 times in the last few weeks, and each time T. has said he wants to be a king. With a blue cape and yellow crown “with points on it, no circles.” He’s very definite – has obviously been thinking about this for a while – which makes my job that much easier. I think, however, i’ll add two things: (1) ermine trim and (2) t-shirts for DH and me that say “entourage.”oh, and everything else:
    T. still having trouble in the morning before preschool and at dropoff, though he is reported to be loving the actual time there. Tension, however, coming out in (lack of) sleep, as always. Getting slowly better, though. I am so tired.
    DH concussion symptoms on the wane, now that he’s started acupuncture and craniosacral therapy. Thank God I have my husband back. I was trying to be loving and supportive, but didn’t much like being married to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
    Second week of DEDICATED WEEKLY WRITING TIME, for first time in years. Started 3 poems – haven’t finished any, but I’m stumbling along. Wohoo!

  43. Oh, we should all mention the funny/dumb things that people without kids have said to us.I have one from this weekend. A mutual friend just had a baby 3 weeks ago. Childless Friend went to visit MomOf2 and I asked how it went, “Oh, you know, MomOf2 was complaining about how tired she is and how the baby gets her up every two hours.” I respond, “Well, that sounds like par for the course at this age.” And Childless Friend responds, “I don’t know why she just doesn’t feed the baby a bottle.”
    And as tactfully as possible (I’m actually quite proud of myself) without actually bursting into laughter I try to explain that it’s not quite that easy to, you know, pump enough extra milk for a whole bottle while nursing full-time and taking care of a toddler, and do you know how many days of pumping it would take to get one bottle and would the four-hour stretch really even be worth it for all that extra hassle.
    I’m still chuckling over that one. Not infuriated because honestly, I think she just has no idea (like asking us to bring our kid out to a 9 pm dinner….).

  44. I am STILL PREGNANT.When I’m 80, look for me on the news because I will be the oldest pregnant woman in the world, and all of you will wonder if I will ever give birth to my 49-year-old fetus. The answer will be NO. He is going to live his WHOLE LIFE headbutting my bladder and kicking my ribs.
    I walked 3 miles this morning.
    NOTHING.

  45. @suzanna, I let night-weaning go to hell when DH was out of town. It’s OK if it happens – you can indeed start again, and it’ll eventually be fine. (I did say to T, “we’re both having a hard time with Daddy traveling. When he gets back, we’ll go back to nursing only in the daytime,when the sun comes up, but just for now, I think this will help us both get enough sleep.” Then the oh-so-fun talk when that actually happened. Not sure how much he really understood – definitely some – but I think it did help plant the seed for transitioning back. At least it helped me.)But I know – so hard to do it without backup. And TWO at once – good thoughts to you.

  46. @hydrogeekI deliberately put my baby in with his older sister (24 month difference) when I moved him out of my room (at about 4 months). I found that it was a little tough to begin with, as she woke up when I went to nurse in middle of the night, but after the few week adjustment, they both now can sleep through each others’ crying.
    Also, they “talked” to each other at first in the mornings, and now that my younger one is 20 months they really do talk, and calm each other down. They are very close. My son loves climbing on her bed (after I release him from his crib) to wake her in the morning.
    I think it’s a great thing for them to learn how to share space like this, and we have other “private” space and time. The benefit to their relationship far outweighs the adjustment time that occured initially.

  47. And you know, she (or, OK, someone) still has to be awake to actually *feed* the kid that bottle.and: 3 weeks! Um, nipple confusion, anyone?
    It must be like having gone through boot camp and trying to explain it to civillians. Or something.

  48. Kiddo started running & has bumped his head in the same place 3 times, resulting in a huge bruise. You can guess what people think when they see him. Figured out his Halloween costume = whatever friend’s kid was last year. Looks like he’ll be a dinosaur. Cool. Hubby wants us to host a holiday party. Sooo not enthused. I don’t really like Xmas, but will phone it in. Have moved to a town full of introverts like me. No one wants to make the first move, so I have to. It’s been awhile since we’ve moved in & not one neighbor has ever stopped by to say hello, whereas in the major city we just moved from, we seriously couldn’t keep our neighbors away! So I decided to knock on some doors. Awkward, but it has paid off. Befriended some very nice people who totally wanted to come by but life got in the way, and were glad we made the first move, yadda yadda.@Slim – Girl, you always make me laugh. Well, he could go as ManBearPig from “South Park.” When faced with the prospect of bad meals I say pass the salt & keep the alcoholic beverages flowing!
    @rudyinparis – Go on with your bad self! Good luck at your upcoming race, and congratulations on being smoke free!!
    @Shannon – Hugs & if I were still local, I’d share a big ol’ Lou Malnati’s deep dish with you.

  49. @SarcastiCarrie – Good one! Some dumb things that people without kids have said to me: 1) dumb unsolicited advice about breastfeeding let-down sensations (how would you know what it’s supposed to feel like??), 2) dumb stuff about parenting advice “It’s impossible to hold a child too much” (which I actually agree with in theory, but again, it’s the source who is annoying), 3) dumb stuff about pregnancy “my friend rode a bike right up until the day she gave birth so why can’t you?” Ok, from now on, I’m going to start calling it out. The older I get, the less I care! ;)@MrsHaley – Sending many positive thoughts your way. Best wishes!!!

  50. @ MrsHaley: I still have several weeks to go, but I FEEL YOU.@ Molly: Thanks for the good review! I hadn’t heard from somebody who had actually done it and had good results, so I’m REALLY glad to hear about it! The waking big sister up in the mornings sounds awfully sweet.

  51. I’m scheduled to have a c-section in about 10 days. In the last week, I have discovered that:*my husband has no intention of staying overnight in the hospital with me, citing that he needs to be at home with our 4yo
    *my mother, who had assured me she would fully take care of our 4yo for the long weekend while I’m in the hospital, had no intention of keeping her overnight for any of those nights
    *my husband thinks I shouldn’t ask for help for his first day back at work (which would mean I’d have both the 4yo and the newborn for an entire day when I’m exactly 7 days post-c-section) because that’s my chance at a “dry run” to see if I can handle being in charge of both at the same time
    *my mother-in-law will consent to coming over on my husband’s first day back at work, but with the purpose of visiting us all (read: as a guest, not a helper), and hey – has she ever mentioned how she had absolutely no help with either of her two boys? oh, she has? well, hey – it’s all nice that I have a husband who will change a diaper or spend five minutes with either child, but she never had any help AT. ALL.
    *some internet friends have stepped forward to help from a distance, but I’m not sure how they can really help**
    *I’m so screwed.
    I cannot help but wonder what the hell I was thinking, having another kid.
    **Has anyone ever had a person be their post-partum organizer? The way I understand this job is that the organizer sends out an email to a bunch of likely helpers and then coordinates who’s bringing food or who’s acting as 4yo-distraction on which days. It sounds like a lovely idea, but I honestly don’t know whose email addresses to offer up. I have no siblings, my girlfriends all live in other states, my mother and MIL will claim to want to do it and then will bail on their commitment (BTDT), and the people who have already offered specific help are not people who need to be coordinated. (A neighbor and my 4yo’s old OT and our friend.) What do I do?

  52. May I take a moment to engage in the time honored tradition of complaining about one’s mother? My mother is a one-upper, as in, no matter how bad my day has been, hers has been worse. Last weekend I had a cold and so did my 15 month old. It kept him from sleeping for more than about 2 hours at a time, and I wasn’t sleeping very well because of the coughing. My husband was out of town. Mine was not a happy home. I was talking to my mom on the phone and was hoping to get a little sympathy. Turns out she had bronchitis over the weekend and was “much more sick” than one gets with a cold. Whatever.I was also thinking about asking her for some parenting advice. My son is starting to throw fits whenever I try to get him to do something he isn’t interested in. For instance, at a store he wanted out of the cart, but he didn’t want to hold my hand while walking, and he didn’t take kindly to trying to get him to go in certain directions. He threw an absolute fit and I ended up having to take him outside to the car while my husband finished shopping. I told my mother this story hoping to get some advice on how to deal with headstrong and determined little boys, and possibly head off tantrums. What I got was, “Well, at least you had the option of going to the car while your husband finished. Your father…” and went on the diatribe about how terrible my father was and how lucky I am to have a husband who is supportive and interested in kids. I know she had it rough, but I feel a bit like she is saying that I have no right to complain because I have it easy. Then I feel like a wuss for thinking I had a bad day when I do have a great husband and a pretty good life. Ugghh.

  53. @suzannaI feel for you and totally understand what you must be going thru, but, dare I say it….my kiddo would have gone ballistic had I taken booby away from her at 18 months. Sorry!!! I know, you do. not. want. to. hear. that., fuck, neither would I, but on nights that my 18 monht old woke ‘cos she wanted booby, I fought so bloody hard to not give in, sent in the troops and everything, and then decided bugger this for a joke, and whipped booby out, to have her sleep until 7.30. At 20.5 months she is waking all over the place, I just give in, but only once a night, as it is so much easier on all 4 of us (me, daddy, her and her brother who she shares the room with).

  54. The 4yo was not born via C-Section, I’m assuming? The exact memories of my c-section are fading, but can someone buy your husband a clue? And the grandmas?Can you bring DH to a doctor’s appointment where he/she can explain to DH what post-op/recovery and restrictions will be like post-surgery?
    Even if you’re nursing, it’s going to be hard to move around to lift the baby up from the isolette. I really think your husband should be there.
    You might not be allowed to drive at 7-days post-op, let alone lift anything heavier than the baby (and according to my mother, carrying the baby in one hand and the car seat in the other is not allowed either.) Plus, aren’t you going to have to go get your staples out at 7 days out?
    I wish I could send you my mother. She’s pretty good at all that stuff – washing bottles, doing laundry and distracting pre-schoolers.

  55. Oh I just had to pipe in one more time….The dumbest thing my SIL said when we had our baby (after I spent a half hour rocking her to sleep!!) “Can I go in there? I just got here and want to play with her. “I basically just told her to please come back at a time the baby is AWAKE!! WTF?

  56. Mrs. Haley, the image of a 80 year old woman with a 49 year old fetus is perhaps the most hilarious, disturbing image I have had in a long time. Thank you. And good luck, dear.Ah, breastfeeding and friends-who-do-not-have-kids-yet-know-everything… I arranged to meet mine a few weeks after Eldest was born to have a beer—a huge event, involving no small amount of planning and pumping—I make very specific timing arrangements with her to facilitate this (i.e., meeting right after I would nurse so I could have a fricking beer, for the love of God). She calls me right before to switch up the times. I hesitate and falteringly agree. She becomes audibly annoyed. My evening is thrown. We meet anyway. She runs into someone she knows during a bathroom run and I sit by myself for nearly half an hour. I leave soon after. Months later we are with a group and she sarcastically talk about how breastfeeding is “sooooo complicated.” It is if you want to have a drink, I tell her firmly.
    Same friend, later date: she talks about how if she has a child, she’ll pump her breastmilk right out in the open in her office, as she has nothing to be ashamed off. I bite my tongue.
    Same friend: calls me last Friday to say she is pregnant. Glory hallelujah.

  57. @eep – I think you might be my sister-in-law because you are describing my mother-in-law to perfection.@Cathy, your mother is a saint, and I’m glad you had her. I wouldn’t wish this holey support network on anyone. Not even my childless friends who say the stupidest shit. And they do.
    The 4yo was born by emergency c-section, but because she stayed in the NICU for 2 weeks, I had a fairly easy physical recovery. Regardless, no one but me remembers that I couldn’t even sit up without assistance for the first week-10 days.
    I talked to the OB yesterday (my second to last visit, presuming I make it to the c-section date) and got his permission to tell my husband that the docs want me to plan on having help every day for the first two weeks, maybe even three, given we have a preschooler. Also, he says it’ll be two weeks before I can drive. Who knows if it will work.
    As for overnight help in the hospital, my husband thinks I should just call the nurses. The charge nurse at the hospital assured me they’d be happy to help, but who can predict how long it’ll take a nurse to get to me if they’re having a busy night? By then, I might have a squalling baby who won’t calm down to nurse. Maybe not, but I suppose I’m feeling a little pessimistic.

  58. @rudyinparis,I think you missed a word in this sentence:
    “I bit my tongue.” Should have read:
    “I bit my tongue off.”
    Because that’s what it would have taken for me to even stay in the room. (I pumped for a year with my daughter and never got to a point where I could do it in front of anyone but said daughter and husband.) Sheesh.

  59. @Amy – I think it’s called “covering your bases” at this point, not pessimistic. I’m holding out hope that once your husband sees how things are post-birth, his plans will change accordingly. That and some stern nurses will give him the evil eye/talk some sense into him.But wouldn’t a “rent-a-grandma” service be great?

  60. I’m totally ashamed of this but I cannot get it out of my head…has anyone regretted the name they gave their child? The first couple of weeks of my beautiful daughter’s life were such a blur of tears that I couldn’t name her. All the names we had short listed were quickly dismissed by my hubby and he came up with something entirely different. I agreed thinking it would grow on me. Now, a YEAR later, I still can’t get it out of my head that that is not what she should have been called.
    Is this just totally weird?

  61. Hang in there, fellas. How do we all deal? My problem right now is a husband obsessed with my past almost nonexistent sex life and begging me to spend every free moment with him and jealous of our beautiful 16-month-old daughter and angry with me for having her. Arrgghh.

  62. Sometimes I think back on the other names I had picked out and try them on him. It was a real ordeal to come up with a name we both liked – the name he has is the only boy name we both liked. I think if I had to do it over I might pick another name or combination of first middle but the name he has fits him and I like it so I don’t regret it. I have a cousin whose name is Michelle Christine and her mom calls her Michelle and her dad calls her Christy. I always thought THAT was weird.

  63. Got word today that my kid is definately getting a feeding tube in 2 weeks. I know its not the end of the world but it sure feels like it.

  64. @amy, do you have any post-partum doula services in your area? I’m not even sure where I’d look for one; doctor-midwife-hospital might have some info? There’s a volunteer-based service around here that I might look into though my situation ins’t so urgent as yours…Trying to clean up drywall dust here, eight months pregnant, and aghhhhhh I think the 1.5 yr old just escaped outside!

  65. Long-range planning! Ack!We think we’re ready to have another. But DH would like to remodel the kitchen, put down hardwood floors, clear out the attic and have our (admittedly tiny) house ready to go on the market before #2 actually arrives. So that means we start pricing things out… NOW.
    Oh, and Baby Bear seems to have given up his afternoon nap. Cold turkey on the snoozing as of last week. Can there be napping strikes like there are nursing strikes? Or have I kissed my golden freelance window goodbye?

  66. @ stacy with the speech-delay-for-no-good-reason. Hugs. It is so hard not to compare when it is staring you right in the face.I hope you have access to or are already have a good speech therapist or program. It took several months for our little one to appear like he was getting anything out of therapy, and then the walls started crashing down. He is still behind his peer group–especially some of the very very chatty 2 1/2 year old girls we know!–but he is starting to catch up. Finally.
    @ anon, I don’t think it’s weird at all. My husband and I put a lot of thought into our kids’ names (Hebrew names–what we call them); there is even the idea in Orthodox Judaism that when parents choose the name for their child they have a moment of divine inspiration. Anyway, don’t dismiss your feelings.
    What your recourse is, though, I have no idea. Unless you were to just start calling her something else.

  67. @sarcasticcarrie-I know that for alot of the 5-6 yr olds we tend to give craft kits. There are tons of them at the craft stores for whatever their interest. A really popular one has been the decorate your own umbrella it comes with paints & a see through umbrella. The girls just love that. Otherwise try to find out what her favorite series is and get her some books for that. Or some kids k’ne. Another thing that went over well was dress up clothes. I bought a few costumes after halloween & sent them in a box & they have had a blast for 2 years. I threw in some play shoes, purse, hat, princess type costume and of course a wand & cape. It all depends on what she is into.

  68. @amy: Holy hell. I think I would get what the doctor says in writing. Possibly that would clue your husband in to reality? Crap. Like Cathy, I wish I could lend you my mom! Are there any college aged kids who could come in that you know through family/church/organizations? Even someone clueless about babies could be a big help if they could follow directions!

  69. @amy – Are there postpartum doula services in your area? Anyone at church who could help? What if you weren’t feeling well enough physically or mentally to come home after however long the typical c-section stay would be? Could a longer hospital stay allow you the recovery time you need? Is there any way you could attempt VBAC? I’m just trying to think of every possible angle for you & I don’t know what the right solution is for you.Could you ask the most responsible person you know to be that point person/coordinator you need? A lot of people want to help, and it would be great if you felt confident enough to straight up ask someone for that help. Too many new moms like me felt awkward about asking – I know I should have asked for help!
    @rudyinparis – “Glory hallejulah!” ha!! Oh, I heart you so very much!
    @anon (regrets child’s name) – It’s not weird, don’t be ashamed. There was a recent NYT article about parents changing their children’s names once they realized it didn’t “fit” or was too popular in their area, etc. I’m kind of a name enthusiast and would be happy to give you some honest but caring feedback about the name if you think that might be helpful & want to post it here anonymously.

  70. {sigh} would love to feel like a wife and not just a mother would love to actually feel, dare I say, sexy. When when when will that happen (child is 3) that hubbie and I are more than just roommates and Mommy and Daddy and schedule blurters/organizers …

  71. How soon after I have this new baby is it okay to bring the baby to a big wedding?My mom just got engaged to her boyfriend of 14 years, and is very set on having the ceremony four weeks to the day after my due date.
    I’m not ecstatic about bringing a 4 week old to a large wedding, but my son was eleven days (the OB’s count based on an ultrasound) to seventeen days (my count based on LMP and when I tested +) late, so there’s a decent chance I’d be bringing a 2 or 3 week old.
    My old pediatrician’s rule was no big events before four weeks b/c of sickness. But if the baby is in a sling, and getting exposed to all kinds of germs from the 4yo, not sure how much an issue that is.
    Part of this is just that my feelings are hurt. I really want to be able to enjoy, or at least sit through, the ceremony, not be still recovering from the childbirth and having blood clots the size of plums, and trying to nurse in public when my boobs are the size of watermelons and the breastfeeding isn’t totally established. And it hurts my feelings that when I worried about the baby disturbing the ceremony, she said, “Well, if it’s really howling, you can take it outside.”
    (Not really wanting a babysitter off-site for such a little baby, and I’ll be waiting until at least 4 weeks and breastfeeding being very well established until I introduce a bottle.)
    BUT… she will be hugely upset if I ask her to think about a different date. She thinks she is being very gracious by not holding the wedding a week after my due date.
    I’m trying to get past the hurt feelings and frustration and try to make a decision about whether to suck it up and go anyway just based on whether it’s sensible to bring a 2-4 week-old to a big event. Anyone have a gut feeling to share?
    Thanks.

  72. * Amy, I have been a post-partum organizer. Try going to the La Leche they have groups who can help. Try calling any moms groups, like MOMS Club, they can usually help. Or call a local church, they can help too.Here’s what this Mom and I came up with, use what works, delete the rest!
    While still pregnant think of the times during the day that you know you will need help. Then think about what help looks and feels like to you. Do you want help with chores? Do you want help with the preschooler? Do you want meals dropped off? Thinking ahead about what you know you will need will make it much easier to call people and ask them if they could help.
    When I began asking people to help, this is what I asked for:
    1. Please do not bring your child with you when you come.
    2. Please do not stay for more than 30 minutes.
    3. Please make or buy a meal and bring it with you. Please make sure it can be frozen, and is in a container that doesn’t have to be returned. Plastic bags work. (Amy you will need to buy some extra plastic ware so you are prepared when people drop things off and say, Please just get the dish back to me. Like you will remember or have time!)
    4. Please be prepared to do one chore while you’re there. It can be load the dishwasher, throw a load of laundry in, fold a load of laundry, read a story, watch children while you shower.
    5. Please do not expect a thank you note.
    6. Please know this person WILL return the favor.
    You’ll need someone who isn’t shy to do the asking, I never have a problem with that one, you can’t tell, can you!
    Hope that helps.

  73. Books as gifts: I give the newest Caldecott medal winner to every kid and kid relative we have. I buy the new one in bulk and include with it the list from 1938 so that they see there is a logic in my gift giving.How do you know when your babysitter is bad or just needs some good modeling and apprenticeship? We have one for our 2 year old and 4 month old and she is okay….but, I come home to find the baby has soaked through his diaper, or we overhear her “arguing” with the two year old. I can try to teach her some things, or do I just try to hire someone who has more natural skill with kids?
    What to do with a husband who isn’t interested in a vasectomy? But is positive he doesn’t want more kids?

  74. @Heather – My gut feeling is your dear mom has some issues, and a new baby doesn’t really belong in a crowd of people, even in a sling. Everyone is different, but I didn’t want to go anywhere with crowds for the first 6 weeks. People touch babies without permission and it took me that long to feel right again, you know?If a couple has already been together for 14 years without feeling the need to tie the knot, I can’t really think of a compelling reason why their wedding couldn’t be postponed until the bride’s daughter is at least several months postpartum.

  75. omg i want to respond to you all but i am up to my freakin ears in work that doesn’t get done due to a 14 week old who just wants to eat and be held and not sleep so much, a spirited 3 year old who is on! all the time! and more work than i can handle at the moment. I MISS YOU GUYS!!house is nearly done- just tons of finish work but really the end is in sight. it makes me cry to think of it. starting to dawn on me that writing chapters of my dissertation really isn’t like crapping out a 30 page paper in two days like i used to back in the day. new job is kicking my ass (did i mention i got my dream job? which i love but jesus the amt of work is suffocating me at the moment) and my old freelance job just decided they have some work for me…need the $ but have no time! agh! no sleep for me!!
    a quickie to heather- we brought the bean to an out-of-town wedding at 6 weeks- he was 3 weeks early so that’s roughly the same age- it was no big deal for me. while it was light out i nursed in the ladies lounge part of the bathroom (and was surprised how many women stopped to chat w/ me about how they nursed their kids, really sweet, and so different from what i would have expected from the jackasses from this part of the world). i bought a black pashmina shawl to use as a nursing cover (my dress was black) for later in the evening when the lights were dim and it wouldn’t be obvious or distracting. i was more annoyed that my 3 year old wasn’t invited as it was an ‘adults only’ wedding (rolls eyes, so not that kind of wedding although it tried to be) and it actually worked out great that grandmas and aunts were there to hold the new baby to give me a break for eating, whatever. i have never worried about babies catching things in crowds- i’m cautious but realistic- when you have an older kid(s) the new baby is bound to catch some crap that they will have to deal with. i’m so different from who i was as a 1st time mama! and fwiw i found that this pregnancy/delivery was a much easier recovery physically on the outside, but hurt more inside, if that makes sense. totally not an issue by wedding time, not using the spray bottle anymore, etc. good luck!

  76. @Suzanna: I don’t know if you’ve already tried this, but when I was night weaning my c. 13 or 14-month-old, things improved dramatically when I discussed it with her. She’d been crying to the point of starting to throw up whether it was me or DH holding/comforting her, because she wanted to nurse, and I’d usually end up caving. Then one night while we were nursing, I told her that once she was done, she wouldn’t be able to nurse again until it was light and daytime. I said that Mommy & Daddy & Big Sister didn’t eat during the night, she was big now, too, and she’d have a water sippy, etc. Her reaction was amazing, b/c she was pretty non verbal at that point. First she dived onto my breast in a frenzy, and I had to say, oh, it’s okay for now, I mean after you go to bed. And she unlatched and glared at me and moaned. But you know what? That night when she woke up at nursing time, she only cried a little bit. She didn’t even ask, and somehow her crying was different–almost mourning. It was very sad, but she only cried for a couple of minutes and then she fell asleep. I couldn’t believe how well she understood. Anyway, it might be worth a try for you. And good luck without DH–I hope that you’re at least treating yourself to takeout and a chick flick.

  77. I’m getting my IUD taken *out* next week. I didn’t realize just how excited I was until I made the appointment. I’m really looking forward to getting pregnant again.

  78. phew! so many lives going on all at once!@anon re:name. My sister always felt she had the wrong name. She changed it when she turned 18 (my mom always thought it was the right one, though). A relative of mine named her child the name she’d chosen, even though when she saw him she knew it was the wrong name. It stayed the wrong name until he was a teen, then it was so so so so so the right name. Still is, and it isn’t an easy name, at that. The name ‘came’ for the adult, in her case, not the child. And last one – my MIL. Her parents named her Eleanor. Her mother called her Sally (or was it Sarah? Now I forget) her whole life. She never asked why. Wishes she had, though. So… you could always just call her what sounds right to you, and see what happens. I know some kids whose names ‘functionally’ have changed throughout their lives – nicknames, middles, extensions (adding names together), etc. Oh, and I hated my name all my life, and still don’t think it is really a good fit, though I’m comfortable with it now. Hedra is right, though – and that’s my actual nickname. My sister came up with that one.
    @anon re: rhymes-with-hecks. B vitamins, omega-3’s and vitamin D. Basically watch for low-grade depression, and sleep deprivation (the D helps with sleep). More sleep = more libido for me.
    @Heather, we did the twins to a family gathering at 2 weeks, and out beyond that at 4. And don’t count on being as overdue the second go round. I was 15 days post-due with G, and smack on the due date with B. The twins don’t count in the same metric, but they were 38 w 3 d. My mom had seven kids, one four (by her estimates of ovulation, which she could feel; they didn’t have u/s dating) weeks post-due, a couple 1 week post-due, a couple 1 week early-ish, and a couple right around due date (yeah, seven kids). All over the map. Firsts are more likely to be post-due. My mom’s general advice under those conditions is to show up for the service, and then IF you want to, just poke your nose in for the first dance and toast kind of stuff, then book. And get a doctor’s note for your regrets, and tell them you’re cheating to be out this early anyway, but you couldn’t not. (even if they are hairy nits for choosing that date and holding to it…)
    @Wendy, you tell him real men aren’t wusses about that stuff? Okay, no idea, really. We compared ‘who would have bigger physical issues from it or potential side-effects’ and the answer was ‘duh, the one with abdominal surgery’ (though actually, even the insert coils thing might be an issue for me, I drain a lot of extra-abdominal fluid through them fallopian tubes, I’d probably have the nasty ‘belly looks pregnant, have to have fluid removed manually every few months’ thing). No brainer. You could also play up the heroic aspect, maybe?

  79. I just say to say that it is amazing/comforting to see all the crap that everyone goes through….as it makes me realize that I am not alone and also makes me realize that my “problems” are small compared to others. I hope that everyone finds peace and comfort soon. At our house, we are contemplating a move to be closer to the beach but are worried about living in an apt/townhouse after being in a house. The Goose is still waking up 2-3 times a night (c/o 55 week regression) but it is getting better. Nightweaning is still on track, although he wakes most mornings at 6 now where he used to sleep until 6.30 or 7. We still wait until 7 to have boobie and he does not get out of the crib until 6.15. The cat has irritable bowel syndrome and that drives us a bit nuts. All in all- life is ok at the moment.

  80. @ andrea2My fifteen month old has had a feeding tube (nasogastirc) since he was seven months. On the one hand it is no fun to deal with. But on the other hand I can control what is going into him and make sure he is getting the calories he needs. Hang in there and email me if you want to vent or if you have questions. consucuchara at yahoo dot es

  81. @kelli: love that. yay! boo! exactly how life feels right now with my little guy (14 weeks). So, borrowing that, I’ll say…Yay! Little monkey is fast asleep despite being fussy all day, especially during mom & baby yoga.
    Boo! He’s returned to feeding every 2 hours between 10:30pm & 7:30 am (we had gotten to 1-2 feeds during the same period for the previous 4+ weeks). I suspect a new developmental stage is on the horizon.
    Yay! Made a really great fig & walnut salad for dinner.
    Boo! Meal planning is going to have to improve dramatically as DH goes back to work on Monday. Leisurely cooking of dinner is now out (except maybe for weekends).
    Yay! Can see most of kitchen table. Clutter is relatively at bay.
    Boo! Am still procrastinating doing long overdue finances. I swear, after I finish this comment, I’m starting. Really.
    Yay! Have a huge list of creative projects I’m dying to tackle. Including a Hallowe’en costume for the little guy. Most likely a pea pod (my sweet pea in his little pod). Christmas? Not there yet. Well, except for a few ideas for DS’ stocking.
    Boo! Studio/office is still not useable yet as still too much stuff in it. Can’t find anything / use table & sewing machine. Time to clear out more clutter.
    Yay! Finally brought old vinyl LP’s to used record store. They bought all but 2, and gave me $62!!
    Boo! Highly unlikely I’ll get any $$ for any of the other junk I have to unload.

  82. it *is* painfully reassuring to read what other parents are going through. I wish I could have been on earlier-in fact I was needing something like this today–but from ~3pm on things were rough in this household. Either the baby or 3.5yold were losing it at pretty much any given time. and sometimes both. This was after a super day when I felt like such a great mama.and when I sat down to have a beer for the first time in ages, not 15 minutes after nursing for an hour straight, I get halfway done and he flips out to nurse again. I feel awful about it. Maybe he’ll sleep?
    @whoever had the name problem–I’m not entirely sure about baby’s name. We had a really hard time coming up with a boy’s name to begin with and it still isn’t quite settling for me. I actually like the name but I’m not yet sure its right for him (he’s 7 weeks).
    @amy–(((amy))) If VBAC is an option for you, its really better for your body. I couldn’t believe how much easier the recovery was with the VBAC compared to the c-section. that said–I tried to drive just around the block a week after my son’s birth and could barely walk afterwards for 24 hours. Avoid driving at all costs. and its still hard to get anything done. I don’t feel like I have ‘mommy-brain’ so much this time as with my daughter (less percoset?) but I don’t have the chance to sit down and get anything done either.
    DH just told me the house smells like diapers. Myself, I smell like regurgitated breast milk so I can’t tell.
    some good news for a change here–friends of ours from our Peace Corps days called out of the blue and asked if they could visit next month! they’ll stay for a week, which should be exhausting, but we’ve stayed with them for weeks on end (ok, 15 years ago and before children) but it should be cool. and get us ready for the holidays when I expect we’ll hosting friends for tday and family on christmas.
    speaking of which (time), I can’t believe the fall teaching semester is almost halfway done already. not to mention the year.
    does anyone have a link for last year’s posts regarding clearing out old toys before the holidays/birthdays? seems like there was one but that was back when I was intermittently lurking.

  83. wow.. hang in there everyone.I have to pipe in with the bad mom stories. We just visited my mom with my twin boys for a week. My boys are still in cribs but for some reason it really bothers my mom that they are. So, since we were going to be on her turf she took it upon herself to surprise us when we arrived by setting up the room with their crib mattresses on the floor so they could try it out and wouldn’t it have been fun. Uh – NO. Needless to say, that night sucked the big one and my mom bailed out pretty early on when it didn’t go so smoothly.
    I KNOW that one night is what triggered them to start climbing out of their cribs so we’ve been in complete hell the last week and 1/2 going through that. Thanks Mom.
    To add to my sleepless nights, I’m in the financial world and I have to say work life sucks right now. The way the gov’t is handling things just seems so politically directed and is targeting a specific group with their regs because somehow that one small group is responsible for everything. I don’t think so. I know I’m lucky to still be employed at this point (could change given how fast things happen these days) but still scary times and not sure when the light at the end of the tunnel will start shining.
    On friendships changing with kids… I actually just had a very rough lunch with a college friend of mine that actually has kids too but our parenting experiences have been very different since she has three singletons and I have only one set of twins. Kids definitely change/challenge friendships.

  84. @ Nutmeg – my DH has ADHD (he takes medication) and a high stress job that requires attention to 1000s of details as well as more ‘big picture’ project management type skills. Organization and process are easy, second nature things to me, so I’ve worked with him over the years to develop ways for him to function in his chosen career, which he loves. I would be happy to share these with you if you are interested. I’m eccentriclibertarian at g mail dot com.I’m struggling with gestational diabetes, awaiting the birth of my first child, sometime before Thanksgiving. My sweet tooth has been a lifelong weakness, so I’m trying to see the deprivations of the GD dining plan as an enforced step in a direction I’ve known I should take for years. But it’s hard.

  85. Have decided to give up on sleeping, or trying to get the little dude to sleep more than two hours at a time. Have put him to sleep in his crib for the first time ever a week ago and did it without CIO!! So, go me! Sure he wakes up at 1 and then we co-sleep for the rest of the night. It’s progress.Oh, and does anyone else suffer from a hubby who comes home and sits on the couch while you’re still putting the baby to sleep, finishing dishes, sweeping the kitchen, all stinky because you haven’t taken a shower in three days? Goodness knows he HELPS, but I’m still doing about 3x the amount of stuff he does. SIGH.
    Where’s that zen feeling, the optimism I used to have? Oh, yeah! It left with my sleep. There are days I want to wake up, jump up with the sun and yell SUCK IT to the world before jumping into a pot of coffee and then breastfeeding in very public places. hehe.

  86. @Shannon – I hope things improve for you soon. Maybe try another AD?with regard friends – I have definitely walked the path of reduced friendships, but hope the important ones will stay. It is still sad and I needed to work with a bit of CBTherapy to work my head around the issues.
    Anyone have any good references for alcoholism? For the family/friends as well. Don’t want to enable.
    And for me? Off for more endo treatment in a few days… (keeping fingers crossed)

  87. @anon4today, did you catch my later note on the 3 1/2 year old sleep thing? I definitely feel for ya on that. System has changed, and there’s no way to fit them back into their old brains with the new knowledge. But hey, small upside, your mom probably won’t think she knows everything anymore! You can always just say ‘crib mattresses on floor, mom?’ any time she suggests something new… Okay, that’s probably cruel, but it could maybe become the family joke, when they’re 19 or something.I’m also currently in the financials industry, though the impending unemployment (just days to go) is unrelated – company is centralizing and has been for two years, I’ve been documenting the jobs being transferred (yeah, satan’s right hand, that’s me). But everyone is pretty cool about it. Still, eventually, the documents are all done (over 100 processes with just this group), and my job goes, too. Can’t complain too much about taking at 3 month contract and extending it to 3 years (almost to the day). But can wince a lot about impending catastrophic lack of income. Sigh. Everyone here has been rather calm about the market situation, because they already GOT their layoff notices, and at least they’re getting decent severence.
    And yeah, also on the differences between twins and singletons. I was trying to write a post on my blog about that this morning, but stopped because it ended up sounding like one big pity party, and wasn’t very useful to me or probably to anyone else (I didn’t post it). And that’s WITH the good stuff included. Like Miss M and Miss R taking turns feeding me my morning supplements, because the second one says, ‘I do it, ME!’ the other says, ‘Me, too!’ For everything. I have found that there were a few things that moms of only multiples seemed to think were a multiples issue, but were really ‘any siblings’ type issues (like calling them by the wrong name – it just generates more guilt for the multiples moms, but everyone does it; or the whole messing with each-other’s stuff issue, which a lot of sibs have, and which can be exactly as intensive and infuriating as with twins)… but just a few items. Many more that are impossible to explain without experiencing, like, ‘I could not imagine how much different double-teaming by two same-age kids is compared to double-teaming with two different-age kids’ – seriously, with even close-in-age kids, there’s usually SOME level of cognitive difference you can take advantage of, someone is able to wait longer, year you better, remember differently, SOMETHING. And it is soooo hard to remember to just work the lock, and not look at the dogs (sorry, showing my age again – Magnum PI, anyone?) – basically, work this problem with THIS child until it is finished, despite the problem the other child is presenting (which is running at you with a lot of teeth). Gotta stay aware of how fast the other problem is coming on, but MUST finish this problem, or you end up with both problems at once. Though once the other problem reaches a certain level, you have to swap anyway, trying to work both at once a) doesn’t work very well, b) is exhausting both mentally and physically, and c) did I mention it doesn’t work very well?
    @Suzie, I was going to say alanon/alateen, as well.
    @bobeesah, I recommend you find a way to leave him with child for full days, several days in a row. Now, or in the near future. Every SAHD I know has figured out very rapidly that a) this is hard, and b) I can do it, and c) if I don’t help out all the time, my wife is going to vaporize and I’ll have to do the entire thing by myself. Three days seems to be the minimum – they can cobble together three days. Three weeks is ideal, but hard to pull off. Four days to a week is a good middle range. With some guys, a single full day is enough, though! Minimum 4-6 hours (again, three hours they can scrape by). That’s my best recommendation for the ‘I put in my shift, my shift is over!’ thing.

  88. @bobeesah–I second hedra and wish I could have done it. A second child seems to really makes them pull up their boostraps and pitch in. Or it has over here, at this particular juncture. Especially since he already does the cooking. that said, it still seems like I’m cleaning up very late in the evening while he isn’t in sight–but that seems to usually be b/c he is asleep with the daughter.We *finally* walked to preschool today. To do this involves hacking a path through an overgrown forest behind our house, swinging her over a creek (with the baby in a sling) and removing many seed burrs before reaching sidewalk, but what a way to start a morning!
    and the babe slept 4 hours straight last night (7 weeks today, although that might be only 5 weeks since was 2 weeks early? I’m a little confused by that). I almost feel human. If I’d made it to bed before midnight I probably would feel human.

  89. Trying to figure out whether to take my 15 mo off of formula or not. She’s also drinking goat’s milk. She’s been off the boob since 10.5 months. More research I don’t have time to do.

  90. Danielle, if youre still reading. Yeah Hunter will be getting an NG too… hopefully only for a few months but I hear so many horror stories of kids who get them not getting off of them for years because they lose their appetite even more and it worsens their oral aversions. Ugh. Just not looking forward to it at all 🙁

  91. @andrea2 – my son had a g-tube for almost a year (former micropreemie). he wasn’t very good at nippling and after 7 1/2 months i wanted him HOME from the nicu, so i went for the tube.no aversions, he eats everything joyously, it was very much the right decision. i hope your decision proves right, too. also i’d recommend ellyn satter’s books if you haven’t already read them. hugs to you.

  92. Just heard the news that I got an article accepted at a really great publication. I’m thrilled.My laid-back, sweet one-year-old is starting to be fussy. I don’t know if it’s teething, his ears, or some kind of horrifying phase.
    My daughter is going to the potty by herself at night.
    Yay! Boo! Yay!

  93. thanks, everyone, for the suggestions. i am hopeful that he’ll see how hard the first night is and agree that i need help in the hospital for the following nights and then at home. i especially intend to put together a list of specifics people can do for me *before* the baby comes because after that, my brain will be even more swiss-cheesy.as for the several suggestions about hiring a post-partum doula, i’m not very sure how to go about doing that. when i went to dona.org, the FAQs indicate that doula-ing tends to be a daytime thing, and my first priority is getting nighttime help at the hospital. i have already started attending la leche league meetings, but i don’t know anyone in the group very well, and none of them live anywhere near me. still, i’ll check with the leader to see if she has any ideas.
    @Mrs. Haley – i won’t say “hang in there” because clearly you are already doing that. i will say i hope it all goes well, and soon.
    @eccentriclibertarian – i also have GD, and i’m absolutely dying for pie or pancakes. i don’t even like pie. or pancakes.

  94. oh, i nearly forgot, and now i can’t find the comment. someone earlier said i should get the doctor to put into writing that he wants me to get help for *at least* two weeks, maybe three. i laughed when i read that because if i could, i think i could probably make a tidy profit falsifying it with other women’s doctors’ names and selling it at moms club meetings.

  95. Our midwives would put it in writing for a vaginal birth – stairs no more than once a day for the first week (one up, one down), and no more than twice for the following two weeks, first three days to be spent in bed with the baby, minimum. So, you might be able to get it (and, er, ask them to write above the lines so you can use the white-out more easily… if you go low-tech, anyway).@MrsHaley, I remember going post-due with G, and how every couple of hours I’d glance at the clock to see 10 minutes had gone by… I don’t recommend pushing things, though I recall being so desperate towards the end (had to laugh at the endlessly pregnant woman) that we tried everything. And just ended up with a really slow long labor (more than three days long). G still hates to be pushed for speed or timing. (I’m sitting here while he steps carefully and sloooooowly and neatly through his homework again… sigh. Neat is nice. Careful is nice. Throw some caution to the wind, boy, and write fast for a change! AHHHHHH! And Sigh.) So, uh, best luck for being successfully launched into labor soon, and for a nice neat, reasonable tempo to the process. No slooooooowpokes.

  96. So mortified today by a well-meaning octogenarian. I was carrying my 1 yr old son and several items at the store today, when a very sweet, very elderly saleslady came over and offered to carry the baby to our car. (I live in a Mayberry-esque wonderland where that’s a normal everyday thing.) I was wearing this sweater that I’ve suspected makes me look fat. Well, as it turns out, it does. She pointed to my tummy & asked me “When is your next little baby due” Only I’M NOT PREGNANT. In fact, I just got my period. Damn apple shaped figure! Damn that Doritos binge from earlier this week! Damn Aunt Flo! Damn striped sweater! WAHHHHHHH!!!!!

  97. My company’s lunch lady asked me yesterday if I was preggers too. Umm, no, my girl is 15 months. All I could gasp was, bad posture.

  98. If Anon who wrote in the other day about regretting her child’s name is still reading, you should check out today’s post on “Namer’s Remorse” at Laura Wattenberg’s Baby Name Wizard Blog:http://www.babynamewizard.com/
    Wattenberg’s 2005 book “The Baby Name Wizard” is also excellent, and her new edition should be coming out in the near future. Remember to click through Ask Moxie to order it from Amazon!

  99. Merci pour ce commentaire. Maintenant, je suis vraiment impatient à l’achat de cet appareil dès que je peux. J’espère qu’ils ajoutent la possibilité de parcourir les titres instant très bientôt.

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