For those of you who have or are having or considering second children

So a few more questions came in over the last week or so about second children. A couple of them from people who were either newly pregnant with the second or about to give birth, and were wondering if they were setting themselves up for disaster. The real concern for both those writers seemed to be the overwhelming sense of guilt at breaking up the little party the first child had, combined with the worry that they'd never be able to love the second child the way they loved the first.

I don't know that I have so much to offer here. I definitely felt both those feelings when I was having my second son. And I think it's a mistake to resort to the old "a sibling is the best gift you can give" line to comfort yourself, even if you do believe it. (I do for myself, because my relationship with my brother is the most important relationship I've had, aside from the one with my children.) Because even as wonderful as it is to have a sibling, there is loss for the older child. If nothing else, there's loss of having all the focus (which, again, could also be a good thing), but there's loss of the immediacy and the cocoon.

Does the good outweigh the bad? For my kids, yes. But it's important to acknowledge for yourself that it's not all happiness all the time. Allow yourself to feel a little sad about it, even as you look forward to the baby.

Can I ask a favor? If there's anyone who truly doesn't love their second (or later) child as much as the first, could you comment on it anonymously? I've never heard of it happening, but of course it's something you could never say in public. So if there is someone, please put it here anonymously, and we'll see if it's a realistic fear, or if loving the second one as much as the first is just something you can't imagine until you're there.

The other questions I got were from a very new mom-of-two and one about to pop any second now, who were really terrified of what was going to happen when their help (spouses and family) were gone and they had to be alone with the two kids. The spacing was right around 2 years for both of these moms, and the primary concern was how to keep the older one calm and happy while they got the baby to sleep. And yeah, that's a concern, because a 2-year-old's needs are very immediate, as are an infant's, so it could turn into a donnybrook easily.

Mine were 3 years apart, so my older one watched a lot of Bob the Builder DVDs while I was getting the little one down to sleep in those early days. For those of you with kids spaced closer than 2 1/2 years apart, how did you keep the older one chill while you were getting the little one to sleep? Any and all suggestions welcome.

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  1. two kids here, 26 months apart. (and 36.5w preg with a third). theyre now 5 (today!) and almost 3. my issue was more the reverse- getting the older one to sleep while the littler one was awake- the baby typically napped during dinner/bath, but was up/hungry for bedtime routine. and my husband travels a few days every month as well.since my bigger guy was just over 2, he didnt mind that i nursed the baby, sitting in his bed while i “laid” with him during bedtime. my feeling is that worse case scenario, the baby sleeps/nurses in your arms for as long as neccessary to get the older one to bed. you can deal with getting the baby to sleep in their crib/bassinet later.
    im starting to wonder/worry how itll pan out doing dinner/bath/bedtime solo with two kids and a newborn – which i know is inevitable within a month after delivery since i just said yes to letting my husband travel three weeks after my due date overnight (why??????)
    getting back to the point- once my second was older, and while each kid had their own room/bedtime/etc (they now share, since they are each in a regular bed) we did have some tv time for one while it was bedtime routine for the other. i personally found it a nice treat if i came into our bedroom and found the tv watching kiddo asleep already after getting the first one down. hee. im evil.
    and its unreal- but you can, and will, love your second as much as your other two. you may love each for different reasons, but it still sums to the same love.

  2. Something to take comfort in: my 3 year old is a much better and more adjusted sibling to his 5 month old triplet brothers than I ever imagined. Of course there are complications, but I think like most areas of parenting (IME), the emotional buildup to change is a lot worse than the change itself in the end.I wish my future self could have told me that a year ago…

  3. My two boys are 21 months apart exactly. I suspected the first year would be hard but then after that it would get easier (they would entertain each other…).The reality: first three months have been horrible. New Baby is colicky. Toddler went back to being a baby (frequent night waking, crying at bedtime, naptime, etc.). The hardest thing: figuring out how to put Toddler down for a nap or bedtime if New Baby is crying or in my arms. New Baby is still so little that he doesn’t have a schedule which means Toddler goes to bed first and usually naps first.
    What has helped: TV or DVDs for the Toddler. In the morning, I can feed New Baby while Toddler is watching TV.
    Toddler Bedtime when I have no help: I read to both at the same time, but try to focus on Toddler. Then I put Toddler in his crib, tell him I’m going to walk with New Baby, calm NB and put NB in his crib. Then I walk back and forth from room to room to assure Toddler I’m there for him, etc. Eventually he falls asleep.
    The truth about New Baby: We have a hole outside in our yard in the dirt that the gardener dug and I thought how nice it would be to let Colicky New Baby sleep there for awhile. That scared me. When he’s asleep or calm I think he’s very cute and in some ways I am way more relaxed with #2 so that I seem to enjoy the good times more, rather than worrying about naps/sleep/feeding as much as I did with #1. However, when he is screeching or not sleeping, I hate him and don’t yet have a whole lot of love for him.

  4. I have 4 grown daughters, 35, 33, 29, 26. The first two were 26 months apart, the second two 3 and one half years. I lived in Manhattan until the first was 7, the second 5, the third 2. Ill-advisedly, we moved from NYC to Bangor, Maine. In retrospect we moved because I wanted a 4th child and my husband, sick of the city, wouldn’t consider having 4 kids there. Two years later, we moved to Long Island. I am the oldest of 5 younger brothers, the oldest of 45 first cousins. I loved growing up in a big family. Their sisters are the greatest gifts I have given my children.It is hard to imagine when you have one child that you will be able to love the others just as much. What you have learned about parenting makes mothering subsequent children so much less traumatic. I admit I have a huge tolerance for sibling squabbles.

  5. Ok, I’ll come right out and say it. On the day my 2nd was born, I didn’t love her as much as I loved #1. After all, I had known #1 for about a year and a half longer, and she had a personality and loved me back and gave hugs and read stories and sang songs, while #2 had just put me through more than a little pain, couldn’t do anything, wanted to nurse constantly, and most of all, was preventing me from seeing #1 (because I was in the hospital). I couldn’t think of anything but getting home to be with #1 (I even made them let me out 36 hours early).When I came home, after the initial reunion wore off, I found myself feeling **fiercly** protective of #2 against #1. All of a sudden #1 looked ENORMOUS and DANGEROUS, and there was this little helpless infant, and it was my responsibility to protect her. I didn’t hate #1 all of a sudden, but I hated the threat that she represented to #2. And I felt SO guilty. (Hello, hormones!)
    Then #2 would have a fussy day, and I would miss SO much the days when my #1 and I were all by ourselves, and could do what we liked, rather than being tied to the house with this cranky bratty baby…
    I don’t want to say that I ever loved one more than the other, but it certainly wasn’t love at first sight with either of them. The moment they were born, all I remember feeling was a profound relief that they were out, that labor was over, and that they were both breathing and getting good apgars. The love came later. I was too tired for love at first.
    And now that I’ve had as much of a chance to get to know #2, I think I love my kids equally, but differently. The like is what seesaws. Today I like my big girl best because she’s doing an awesome job of potty training and entertaining herself, while my little girl is sick and fussy and a pain in the neck (right now). Tomorrow the big one may crap all over my furniture, and I won’t like her much, but the little one will say “wuv you” for the first time and be the favorite of the day.
    I think you have to give yourself permission to like one kid over the other sometimes – because if you try to make everything even you’re going to miss out on the really special and unique parts of your kids’ personalities. One may be going through a really rough patch while the other is in the middle of a really awesome stage. As long as it evens out over time, I think it’s natural and normal and healthy and fine.
    Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

  6. When alone, I always read to the older child (children) when nursing the baby. I assumed they would be right there on top of me. Thank God they would always sit still for a book. They developed enormous attention spans as a result, particularly the baby who was listening to chapter books from birth.

  7. Mom of a 5 month old and a 21 month old – I had no idea how I could love my second as much as my first. I felt like I was betraying my first. yadda yadda. I love my second SOO much I cant explain it, but before he was born I thought of him as a bit of an intruder to our happy family. I can see how one would worry, but I agree with obab…you will love them.. and differently.Now to the taking care of two at a time when they are both so young.. My advice is accept the fact that one will be screaming while to tend to the other. Just accept it. as long as they are safe put one in the crib while you tend to the other.. Just do the check list one at a time, diaper, food, safe. Remember to Give yourself a break.

  8. I have 2 boys who are 19 months apart (now 3 years old & 20 months old) and it wasn’t until this summer that we finally got the “one person putting two kids to nap/bed” thing sorted out.Older did not want to give up his 1×1 bedtime routine (he is the less flexible of the two) and would often refuse to get into bed until we read 2 books, sang a song, etc. Younger actually needs less sleep than Older (still), so we were never guaranteed that he would be in bed or otherwise content in his crib before Older went to bed.
    I often resorted to “baby on the floor on a blanket” or “baby crawling around the room while we read stories.” Even once Younger was walking, they did NOT want to sit quietly together for stories. It’s only just now that we can read books with both of them (they are on the floor if it’s not a board book or both on my lap if it is a board book) and then have Older go to bed (and not want me to come back in) while I put Younger to bed.
    Younger often needs 3 or 4 “visits” for rocking/back patting before he will drop off to sleep and he still gets up earlier than Older (5 a.m. this morning, but that’s earlier than usual, so I’m hoping it’s a phase or teething or something and will go back to the usual 6:30).
    Getting 2 kids to sleep with 1 adult was literally the hardest logistical thing (and sometimes emotional when they were both screaming/crying/over-tired/refusing to sleep) about adding our 2nd. Everything else seemed to fall into place – mealtimes are crazier and it’s challenging to take them both grocery shopping, but none of it even came close to getting to sleep. It is such a relief now that we have finally figured out a good routine for the nights when one of us can’t be home for bedtime.

  9. My two girls are 19 mo apart. The first 6 months were challenging, but having a mother’s helper was a God send. We hired a college student to help out 10 hr a week ($10/hr here in the midwest) and she was such a help. She took the almost 2 year old out for a walk, or to the park, and I have good time with the baby, or if I was luck, nap time while the baby slept. Or shower time. A group play situation may help if you cannot find a babysitter. You can do it! Now, my girls are loads of fun (baby just turned 1), and I do not regret for one minute having two. I could not have done it alone (well, of course I could have, but it would have been a lot harder). I second the DVDs vote, no shame from me about that one either.

  10. Another tip from a seasoned mom of 4 I know which I found useful — set up a “play bin” next to the nursing chair. While you are nursing the little one to nap, the toddler can be exploring. Put all kinds of good, new, exciting (and QUIET! 😉 ) toys in it, yummy snacks (I made a mix of raisins, nuts and M&Ms, kept them in the small snack sized ziploc bags, worked every time), books, magazines (mine loved to look at the pictures). The deal is, the older one can only look at that stuff when you are with the baby, so it becomes special. We kept ours in a lunch box. A shower caddy would work as well.

  11. I remember my mom telling me when I was little that she loved my brother more than me. She justified it by also saying that Dad loved me more than my brother. My advice: don’t ever say this to a little kid. It’s taken 20+ years to come to terms with that little confession.Perhaps what she meant at the time was that she loved us differently. From my point of view, that would make more sense. I can’t imagine quantifying love. You either love someone or you don’t. Though, I do agree that it takes a while to love someone. Especially a new baby you are just now getting the chance to know.

  12. I feel ridiculous even pretending to give advice since my second child is 14 months old, and I’m still trying to get my head above water, but I do have the occupying #1 (22 months older than his baby sister) while dealing with #2 down. Unoriginally, it’s all about TV.In the beginning, I couldn’t really trust my oldest to be in another room with the TV (even if he was in a TV-induced stupor) so I’d strap him into his stroller while I put #2 down. Occasionally, I would feel badly about all the TV and I would experiment with reading to #1 while I nursed #2, but invariably I would drop a book on #2 or some such so I always went back to TV.

  13. Can I just say how much I love that people here freely admit that they occasionally use the tv to help them out? In so many parenting spaces people act like if your kids see any tv at all they’ll inevitably turn out to be sociopaths or something. Or that somehow their PhD level parenting is sullied by the admission of tv watching. I have found that a little tv can do a lot of good, and be extraordinarily helpful. Geez louise!Amy, I SO appreciate your comments on how “the like is what seesaws.” Lately–I’m going to be brutally honest here–I like Younger a lot more than Eldest. Eldest, lately, is a big pain in my neck. Younger is adorable. Of course I don’t show this, but even thinking it makes me feel AWFUL. It’s really been weighing on me. Thank you, Amy, for lightening my load in that area.
    As for the being alone with two, DH and I have both found that oftentimes everything (for example, the bedtime routine) runs much more smoothly when it’s just one of us. I wonder if this is the case for others here, as well? I’m not sure why this is–probably has something to do with how it removes any of that “Mama do!” or “Daddy do!” that we seem to encounter when we’re both in the house.

  14. I don’t remembering it being that huge of a deal. Mine are 21 months apart. I did not have a huge or long routine for naps ect and I had them sleeping in different rooms for naps even though they share at night. The hardest thing was having the baby taking two naps a day and the toddler only taking one and they rarely overlapped. A lot of times the baby had a nap on the go and I made sure he got a nice calm nap later in the afternoon.

  15. I think I read this here, but I will throw it back out there (haven’t used it yet, since #2’s arrival is still a few months in the offing).When both kids need you at the same time, tend to the older one first if possible. THe older one will remember it. The younger one won’t.

  16. We get to deep love in different ways.With my first, it was that explosive, love-at-first-sight sort of love. I can identify a specific moment (during labor, while I was pushing) that I first felt it, and she’s had me, hook, line and sinker from that time forward. I cannot imagine it would be possible for me to love anybody or anything any more.
    With my second, it was more of a slow burn — more like a love-that-grew-from-friendship. I didn’t feel much connection with him while I was pregnant and I didn’t get that rush of maternal emotion when he was born. I don’t know that I would say I didn’t love him, but I wasn’t head-over-heels from the first moment. The love I feel for him now has grown over time, and it took awhile. He is 2 1/2, and it’s maybe only in the last 6 months that I’ve really begun to have that heart-achingly overwhelming love feeling with him.
    So for awhile, yes, I’d say that I loved her more than I loved him. Even comparing them at the same times in their lives, I loved her more (I loved her more at 2 months than I did him at 2 months). Don’t think I didn’t beat myself up about that. And I sure as hell never admitted it.

  17. You know, I didn’t mean for that tv-watching comment to sound snarky. If anyone here doesn’t have a tv or is able to stick to a “no tv” rule I think that’s great. Preemptive apology.

  18. I’m with Amy on the ‘like seesaw’ thing. My mom also said that about herself and us – that we were allowed to like her more or less, and the same with friends to friends, and her to us, but the real underpinning love was a separate deal.My dad confessed he loved me more than the others. He also confessed the same thing to each of the others, separately. Bad for him that we compared notes. Though in the end it was an effective strategy against the ‘who is the favorite’ thing, because we each could say we were, and we call could say none of us was. We also thought he was a liar, so maybe not the best plan…
    I’ve said before that all the love I have for my kids is one love. There’s no love-for-one that is not the same as the love-for-other. They all swim in that ocean. I am amazed, impressed, awed, and attuned to each differently, and I am frustrated, annoyed, irritated, and confounded by them each individually. But the love is just one immense all-enveloping thing.
    What pains me isn’t loving them differently or more/less, etc (I don’t even love them differently, I love them each… themselves, as one. DANG, how to describe it?) Instead my ouchy thing is that I don’t *know* each of my kids as well as the others. I don’t ‘get’ them all as easily. Which should be a duh thing, affinities and such being what they are… but it bugs me that there’s one who I just really struggle to see into. Granted, other people have said that they struggle the same with that one – some people don’t show you all their inner workings, period, so it is harder to get to really know and understand them. So I end up having to choose to just be with/responsive-to, and not try too hard to understand, and that seems to work.
    But love? Love is all, and it has grown greater with each child, so that I loved G more after B was born (though not instantly, there’s still that adaptation period, and it CAN BE LONG – it took as long to grow as G and B’s affection took to grow, which is more than 6 months to be genuinely mutual), and I loved G and B more after M and R were born. It’s kind of like how you can love your DH more when you see them as a father – it’s seeing them create that dyad with the child, that is their own bond, that makes the bond I have with each of them so much bigger. Does that make sense?
    I was absolutely terrified that I would not, could not, love another baby the way I loved G. Everyone’s tales to the contrary were just their reality, not mine. I *knew* with absolute certainty that a second love like this was a long-shot – who could compare? How? And then here’s B, who doesn’t compare, he just is his own planet in our solar system, and is who he is.
    I did feel a terrible shattering of my relationship with G, though – there was a great wound there that I didn’t know how to heal. Much of it was mine, though – my own issues from my own younger sibling. It took time to get back to that full flowing of affection back and forth with no hitches, and it was past the point where I had that ‘must defend baby from older sib’ stage. Heck, at this point, it’s more likely that I’d have to defend elder from younger (who is so much more physical in his reactions).
    So, yes, complicated. But not bad. And always growing.

  19. Don’t have much to contribute since I only have 1 kid so far. but thought I’d share a kinda funny story, that my husband will turn to our 6 month old and say things like, “OK kid, you’re our best hope because you’re the only one that’s getting this much undivided attention so you better turn out good!”I’ll have to get him to stop saying that once D’s able to actually process what he means, but for now it’s cute. =P

  20. I remember being pregnant with my second and having all these visions of reading contentedly to #1 while #2 was nursing….and as it turned out, my oldest would not come near me while I was nursing her brother (they are 24 mo. apart). She would do her own thing, roam around on her own, then come to me when I put him down. Remember, new babies sleep a lot (usually!)so you will have more time with the first than you think, it just gets chaotic when they both get demanding at the same time.Then I had a third (on purpose!)-2.5 years later this time. My third was the most demanding baby, but I decided early on that she knew she was the third and became SHE WHO WILL NOT BE IGNORED. She’s still that way – good on her I think. I used the Baby Bjorn a lot when she was small. I get asked all the time how I manage three kids but I don’t really know how. I went back to work 3 days/week after a year at home with each (yay Canada) and my husband is home on those days. That is key for us. It can be very chaotic at times, but with my youngest at 19 mo, I am totally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…I see my life there, small, but getting closer!
    oh, it doesn’t matter if you have one child or 6, people ALWAYS ask if you’re having another one. It’s ridiculous.

  21. @ rudyinparis: I didn’t do tv and I will be the first to admit it was harder. Sometimes I’m not sure why I endured so much extra when I knew I didn’t have to. But I made it. I read a lot of books gave him books on CD to listen to, had the calmer kid first — (plan for that if you can!) and kept #1’s naps very consistent in routine but juggled the time a bit, trying to get new baby to sleep during those times. With some adjustments to the whole schedule it worked ok.Having a second is never easy at the start, but after a few months go by and a friend has a newborn you’ll suddenly realize, “hey, I kind of have the hang of this”.

  22. I am mostly a lurker here, but I had to comment on this topic. I have 2 children aged 26 months apart, 3 y/o and 1 y/o. I feel like I have a stronger bond with my son (who was born first) and I have a couple of thoughts about that. First of all I love my children the same, but that’s not the same as understanding them. Mr. Q and I are very similar in personality and usually I can read his mind like an open book. Missie Z is more like her father (not a bad thing), so I have a harder time “reading” her. I also was able to exclusively nurse Mr. Q for his first year (and we continued to nurse until he was 17 months) and we truly were never apart. I took him to work with me, he slept in the same bed with me, he liked to cuddle with me, etc. Missie Z is very independent and has slept in her own bed since she was too big to swaddle (4 months)–she just needs her own space. She is not very interested in nursing and I think it is due to the fact that she had to have bottles since she was 6 weeks when I went back to work (this time working for a company that would not allow me to bring her with me). She will rarely cuddle—not even when she is tired (as a matter of fact she is more restless the more tired she is). So, a lot of the bonding things I did with my son, she just isn’t interested in. I hope that we’ll find something good to bond over as she grows (any ideas?!?).When I met my husband he wanted children and I did not. I am the 2nd oldest of a family of 11 children, and I felt that I had already raised my fair share of children. We became pregnant quite by accident, and I had a time of adjustment before I really became excited about having a baby. By the time I could feel him moving, I was thrilled. I also knew that I wanted him to have a sibling (and I hoped for a girl since my husband desperately wanted a daddy’s girl). I wanted them close in age so they would really get to know each other. I have younger siblings that I really don’t know because I was leaving the nest when they were growing up. So that was our reasoning for having them close together (that, and I wanted to still be young when they were going off to college so I could have a good old time when they were gone!).
    I wanted to add that when I was about 16 my mom told me that she didn’t love one of my younger sisters. She was sick over it, and kept praying that she would develop love for her. I have never asked her if that has changed, as I don’t think that is any of my business and I’m not sure how I would broach the subject if I did mention it. I truly can’t imagine not loving one of your children, even if you do have eleven of them. My mother has some emotional issues that she has been carrying for a long time, and I really think her problems with love stem from her emotional mess more than anything else.
    Sorry, this has been such a long post.
    @Amy—Thanks for the Seesaw comment—I think it fits perfectly!

  23. My son (almost 3) and daughter (11 mos) are 23 months apart. I admit that I love my son more than my daughter. There, I said it. I’ve just never connected with her like I did right away with him. We’re now done having kids, and I don’t regret that decision for a minute.I feel guilty because after he was born I always used to know exactly how many weeks old he was, and made albums with the tons of pictures of him, and kept meticulous records of his development. But I don’t even have a baby book for her.
    We were trying for a girl, so I don’t know why I wasn’t more excited. I guess it’s be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. My advice is to also wait awhile between pregnancies. In hindsight, I think 23 months apart is just too close to do it right. If they don’t turn out to be best friends, I’ll definitely regret my decision to have them so close together.

  24. Well as a new mom of 2, a 5.5 week old and 28 month old, I can say I use the TV too, more than I care to but I make do and it is getting easier. I also made sure to have lots of crayons and colouring books, bought new books to read and now I get my older one to “read” to me and the baby.I am also very lucky that my mom and SIL take my older one once a week, where she gets her 1 on 1 time, lots of exercise and outdoor play. So I say use people around you if you can, it certainly makes things much easier for you to bond with the new baby and know your older one is getting lots of attention too.
    One other thing I did was let the older one “pick” out snacks from the bulk store. ( I showed her what to pick) So when I have to nurse she can have a snack like salt free pretzels, dried fruit that she choose.

  25. I have 2 boys 19 months apart. Our third child will be 21 months behind the 2nd. All-in-all, I don’t remember it being all that hard. My husband only took 1 day off from work then went back full time with a 2 day old and a 19 month old at home for me. I think having help would have made it a lot harder once the help was gone but never having had any assistance at all, I did what had to be done.We did use Signing Time and Thomas and Friends a lot at first with the toddler, but the baby NEVER napped unless he was touching me (my mei tai saved my LIFE) until he was 10 months old and then only took 1 nap a day. They’ve napped at the same time ever since and when the youngest was 16 months old, they started sharing a room (easy-peasy, but I’m blaming that on the oldest, he is a very easy-going 3 year old). I’m not dreading adding a 3rd kid to the mix except when it comes to the relationship of the 2nd with the 3rd. The baby (17 months old right now) gets his diaper in a twist over every little thing, still.
    Yes, I have in the past felt more affection for the older than the younger, but it’s evening out as they’re getting bigger and getting out of the baby-stage.

  26. Just lurking today. Daughter is 20 months old and son is due in 2 months! I’m especially looking for tips for the night time routine for my daughter who doesn’t like tv! Here I am thinking I’ll have no problem using the tv to help with her and SHE refuses it! Joke’s on me I guess.

  27. So I have two kids, 18 months apart. And the older one has always been ruled by Separation Anxiety to the nth degree.I coped with it by involving her in all the parenting. When I nursed the baby, I put an arm around her and cuddled her, too. She was an invaluable helper when it came to fetching diapers/bottles/wipes/clean clothes/toys/etc. She liked to start the swing for him, and “help” him play under his play gym.
    I’m one who rarely used TV at the time — don’t worry, @rudyinparis, we’ve been assimilated! 🙂 — we did a lot of music and books. I got a gift of a set of Baby Einstein flash cards that were a lifesaver when I was nursing — it was a game for her to find a specific one and then a single card was so easy to hold onto and read while I was juggling a newborn.
    I am a person who is, in general, not particularly undone by crying. So when they were both so little, if they were both upset and crying, I’d just sit and hold them until the tragedy had passed. Or if there were specific needs to be met, I’d take care of the quickest one first.
    I used the swing quite a bit with the baby, because he liked it. I learned to nurse in the glider while the Munchkin sat on the (also gliding) ottoman and I rocked them both, him in my arms and her between my legs.
    I used the sling to let him sleep while she got outside to play. I gave her all kinds of props for being a big girl and doing things (climbing into the car seat, putting on her clothes, emptying the little potty) herself.
    I also kept as sacred as possible some of our time together. My husband held the baby each night while I did her bedtime routine, because that’s always been my special time with her. On nights when he wasn’t home, I put the baby in the swing out in the hall, or let her stay up a little late while I got him down.
    Of course there were issues. There was one particularly harrowing stomach-flu incident that I’ve mentally blocked most of, but I do know involved one child sitting in the bathtub covered in her own vomit and the other screaming in the swing while Mommy stood in indecision and tears in the family room.
    Overall, though, I found it doable, so long as I lowered my standards somewhat. 🙂
    And @rudyinparis, I definitely find it easier in some ways when it’s just me than if my husband is around to “help”. He has a different style than I do, and I feel like he is silently judging me when mine doesn’t result in flawless execution (not that his does, but …) and that makes me cranky and irritable. I alternate (maddeningly — just ask the man himself) between wanting to snap, “why aren’t you HELPING me with this” and wanting him to just BUTT OUT ALREADY.
    I tell you, my life would be much simpler if he didn’t insist upon having opinions of his own.

  28. i have 2 girls, aged 23 months and 8.5 months, and i’m having so much trouble with the one thing i thought i’d be more stoic about: fatigue. so boring to write another post on fatigue, but at this point after 2 really tough babies, i’m just so tired of feeling gut-rotty and puffy that i want to scratch my skin off. i’m bored of feeling crappy. and so i feel resentful of the second kid that she won’t allow me to feel rested and healthy enough to enjoy the first kid’s super cute toddler years, even though all she’s doing is behaving exactly like the first did at her age. the dinner bedtime routine is really hard, and i’ve long ago made my peace with using television to help. i think it’s so much more pleasant for my toddler to spend 30 minutes watching a sesame street dvd while i put the baby to sleep than it would be for her to cry in her crib alone for 30 minutes while i got the baby organized. i’ll be honest: this period in my life is just about impossible, and i’m running on the assumption that it will a lot more fun when i’m walking down the street with a smart, charismatic daughter on either side of me. but i think when you have 2 kids really close together and the second is a tough baby, you’re going to be in the trenches for a little while. i’m in the trenches. hopefully i’ll be out in a couple of months. i think i love them equally, but at this point i’m too tired to worry about it. i can’t imagine that i don’t love them equally, considering THEY HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME, TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE PERSONALITY.

  29. I have two. First, I do believe a sibling is a great gift. And maybe they don’t see it that way (although most of the time they do), but when they’re grown I think (or hope) they will.But, I will say, with a HUGE amount of guilt, that I am often afraid of not loving the second one as much. Actually, I am pretty sure I *love* them equally, in terms of “maternal” love, protection, caring, etc. But in terms of “like” and “enjoy,” I often find myself not appreciating #2. For one thing, he’s way more difficult than my complacent #1 was. He’s defiant, and everything is a battle. I find myself so frustrated half the time that I forget how sweet and charming he can be. We have these moments, where we lock eyes, and he smiles, and I feel it…really feel it, that love. But most of the time, it’s not the same love-fest that it was with #1. I feel awful about it. And work really hard not to favor the oldest (because believe me, he now has his unlikable moments, too). But I did feel like #2 crowded the party, so to speak. I’m over that part now (over a year later).
    I am hoping that as he gets older and I have more one-on-one time with him, things will equalize a little.
    To answer the question about being outnumbered. That part was easier than I imagined, but they are also 3 years apart, so I suppose that helps. But my advice to those about to become second-time moms is to GET OUT THERE as soon as you can. The longer you put off that grocery run with both, or Target trip, whatever, the more daunting it will seem. What also helped me is being part of a MOMS Club–they really did the “let me take #1 off your hands for a minute” thing, and forced me to get out in public for social things, which may not seem worth it at first (but really are).

  30. My two are 26 months apart (now almost 4 and 19 months). And only in the last 6 months have I begun to feel the head-over-heels love for #2 that I’ve felt for my first from day one.I’ve always loved #2. It just took a lot more time for me to feel the deep love and connection that I’ve always had with my first.

  31. My two are 26 months apart, now 16 months and 3.5. I think I got off pretty lucky in terms of logistics — my second was born in April and the weather was fair. We got out a lot that spring and summer. Almost every day we’d go to our local drop in program where the older one could play safely and I could sit and tend to the baby. The baby could nap in my arms or the stroller. Same thing with going to the park. We’d have picnic lunches and walk home around 1:00. Both kids would fall asleep in the stroller and I would carry them in and put them down for simultaneous afternoon naps. I felt like mother of the year when it all worked!In the autumn pre-school saved me, the baby could have at least one good morning nap since my daughter was at school for the morning 4 days a week, then after lunch I’d let her watch a show while I put the baby down. Sometimes she’d nap, sometimes she wouldn’t. Somehow we got through it. There were some truly awful days, when they kept waking each other up say, making each other crakier all the while. When I felt myself losing it, that meant it was time to get outside for a while.
    My main advice for kids a couple years apart is get a really good double stroller and get out of the house!! Find somewhere to hang out where your older one can play safely and there are some other moms to keep you company/help each other out with babies. Everything is worse when you are doing it at home alone in isolation.

  32. The idea that I won’t be able to love another baby as much as my first isn’t actually my main worry. I am more concerned that I would love my first less because I love the baby stage.

  33. I have two boys, 17 months apart, and can respond to both parts of the question.I. “If there’s anyone who truly doesn’t love their second (or later) child as much as the first, could you comment on it anonymously?”: YES but just at first. I spent the hospital recovery time honestly quite resentful of boy2 — my BABY (Boy1) was at home, wondering why mommy was away and I was stuck at the hospital with this stranger (Boy2). I didn’t think Boy1 was cute, wasn’t too interested in getting to know him, and just kind of wish I could have rolled back the clock 9 months and avoided getting to that point. If Boy2 had had to stay an extra night for jaundice, I think I would have left him there just to get home to Boy1 where I belonged. Fortunately, this only lasted a week at most – by the time I’d spent a few quite nights alone with Boy2, I grew pretty fond of him and when I realized what a truly peaceful, quiet little guy he was, I fell madly in love. Now, I have no preference for either boy — honestly. I absolutely adore both of them and am so happy for Boy2’s accidental conception.
    II. “how to keep the older one calm and happy while they got the baby to sleep”. Sleep wasn’t our issue as much as feeding was. Boy2 never got an uninterrupted feeding until the wee small hours of the night. Entertaining Boy1 was impossible — I’d try to turn him onto a toy or something but nothing occupied him for more than a few minutes — so I’d pull Boy2 off the boob, redirect Boy1 and then try to pick up with Boy2… Other than having help around, I have no advice except to remind yourself that everything gets better with age and that maternity leave has an end to it.

  34. Ah, yes, Jan, your spirit has been broken! {evil laughter, rubbing hands together}BTW–I’m hoping your husband is doing well these days. My best to you and your family.

  35. Donnybrook — raising hand.My son was three weeks shy of 2 when my daughter was born. She is almost 7 months now and I really don’t think we hit our stride until she was about four months old. Those first four months were HARD. My husband travels for work four days a week, so he is gone three nights. That’s three 24-hour periods where I am the sole parent.
    I breastfeed, so that has an impact on my response, just FYI. What I did in those early days (which were in the dead of winter) was try to do as much one-on-one time as I could with the 2yo while the newborn slept. While I breastfed her, I would usually have him sit next to me on the couch and watch a Sesame Street video. Forget the advice to sleep when they sleep, because with two, they almost never sleep at the same times anyway.
    Looking back on it, it’s all a little fuzzy. I was exhausted (still am, as the baby is still waking multiple times per night for the boob) but it just became the new normal. My savior was indoor play places (Gymboree) that I could take the 2yo for running-around and roughhousing while the baby slept in the sling. I can’t recommend a good carrier or sling enough. It will keep you sane and keep your hands free for the toddler.
    We went through a lot of hitting of the baby by the toddler, a little jealousy and there were times when everyone was in tears at once. The best advice I got is if they’re both crying, tend to the toddler first because he or she will remember it. The baby won’t remember crying for a few minutes.

  36. I just have to say… I am a lousy parent. I rarely if ever stick to a bedtime routine, I use the TV as a babysitter, Golly Bless Bob the Builder. My kids dont get a bath every night and sometimes if its hot they wear just diapers to bed. AND I DONT FEEL GUILTY!!! i love them both, but one thing I have found for myself… I give myself a break from guilt and stop to enjoy them.. their funny habits… their laughs… and the fact that they dont judge me on the clothes that I wear or that there are dirty dishes in the sink. This is not something that came naturally to me and It took me a long time to get to this point. Sometimes I fall off the waggon and Channel Martha Stewart. Loves grows so do the diches and piles of luandry… and it is good

  37. I have two boys, four years apart.And I like #2 more.
    #1 is just. like. me. — warts and all — so he and I have clashed a LOT since he’s been born. He wasn’t necessarily high-needs (he could be easily soothed and slept like a champ) but he did have what I know NOW (15 years later) are sensory issues and I had unrealistic expectations of how a child “should be.” His was a frustrating childhood, for both of us, and I think that affected our bonding to our detriment. I love him beyond measure, don’t get me wrong, but getting along with him is a struggle and always has been.
    #2 and I, however, just clicked. I know a lot it’s because I was a more experienced mom, but a lot is also his personality. He’s a lot like my father, very easy-going. And he was a mama’s boy from day one — which after having a child that preferred everyone BUT me, was, frankly, a little bit of an ego boost.

  38. I’m 12weeks pregnant with #2, which will be 22months behind #1.These comments scare the living crap out of me. I’m terrified I will never love #2 as much as #1 (add into it the fact that I want, no, NEED another boy and if its a girl I will be devastated. Horrible of me to say, I know, but that’s the way I feel). From the sounds of it, it took a lot of parents a long time to fall in love with their second. #1 has some medical issues (nothing crazy or lifethreatening, just annoying GI stuff that still really stresses me out) so he’s been difficult, and the thought of adding a baby who I might NOT LOVE into the mix maxes me want to roll the clock back 12 weeks and just avoid this altogether.
    Yikes.

  39. About the advice to tend to the oldest one first when there’s a choice advice … I just wanted to throw out that for some kids doing the opposite is better. My older daughter (27 months apart) is very sensitive to noise and emotions, and the sound of the baby crying or fussing made her so anxious and riled up that she *couldn’t* be soothed or satisfied until the baby was calm too. It only took me a few months to figure that one out.

  40. Sort of off topic but still on topic – I have twin boys so I guess there wasn’t the worry of knowing one first and wondering how to incorporate the other. But, one of my boys was a little more high maintenance than the other so it worked out that I was always the one that “took” him and my husband “took” the easier one… over time, that just perpetuated itself as we each knew “our” boy and how to best comfort him so we kept doing this.What that means is that I have a bit stronger connection to the one I took care of more frequently and my husband to the one he did. I can honestly say I love them both so much (luckily they are very different so I can love them for different reasons so it is hard to quantify if there is more love for one than the other). That said, I still feel a stronger connection to the one I took care of more frequently. And I think same goes for my husband and also the boys with us.
    Now that they are preschoolers, we are trying to spend more individual one on one time with each of them (i.e., my husband with one and me with the other and now we are hard core about keeping track and keeping it even over time). I’m hoping that means the connection will even out more over time.

  41. I was terrified of how complicated being a mom of two would be, because I had no help after the first couple of days. My husband meant to take two weeks off, only to have to return to work the next Monday. :(We got through it, and it actually wasn’t too bad. I tried to keep my daughter’s schedule (she turned three a few months after his birth) as close to normal as possible, and having her in preschool a couple of hours a week helped too. The newborn really could sleep through most things, and one of the big blessings was that my second was much less sensitive to noise than she was. Even now he sleeps through most of what she can come up with.
    Sometimes, though, I’d find myself rocking with them both – her crying because she didn’t want to go down for nap, him crying because he was a newborn. It happens.
    There was a sense of loss over no longer having the only child relationship with my daughter – she’d been my sidekick and I knew now there would be a different dynamic. It’s worked out really well though. I was awed with how much I fell in love with my son as well, and while they are totally different people I truly love them both immensely.
    The hardest part for us, actually, was when my son was 12 days old and hospitalized for pneumonia. He spent 8 days in the ICU. There was no choice for me, I was a nursing mom and we thought we were going to lose him -I stayed with him those 8 days and only saw my daughter when she was brought to visit. That was hard, hard, hard and by far the worst thing we went through.
    And here we are, on the other side, doing ok. It’s one of those things you just do, day by day and sometimes minute by minute.

  42. Sorry, one more comment/observation to add. Again, since I have twins I can only comment from my perspective. I didn’t love my boys when they first came out. It took time to bond with them and now I can’t imagine loving two little beings any more. So, if I were to have a third child, it would be really hard to truly remember that period before the bonding but I know I’d go through it again – although this time it would be more pronounced to me since I’d have this amazing relationship with my twins to compare it to. Does that make any sense? I guess what I am saying is those of you that have said you didn’t love #2 as much when he/she was first born – I’m guessing (and probably projecting based on my own experience) that you probably went through the same thing with #1. Seems like I’m just rambling at this point. Sorry.

  43. Oy…yeah, I don’t delurk often, although I read every day. I don’t have a second yet, but my first is so much work. I see people saying that they spend time with the toddler while nursing or when the baby is sleeping, but what about time for a shower, or cleaning the house, or saying hello to your partner? Do you all just grit your teeth and soldier through for the first year?My first (13 months now) was and still is a major time-sucker-upper, and I have no idea how to manage her and get the house cleaned/groceries bought/etc. The answer right now (and I realize that I sound spoiled saying this) is that my mom watches V 2x a week for me. One day for cleaning/shopping and one day for home improvement projects right now. But she’s warned me that she might not be up to the challenge of a 2nd, especially if #2 is as difficult as #1 is. So, I’m waiting to see. I am afraid that I’ll resent #2 just for putting me through the infant torture.

  44. As an only child myself, as well as the mother of an only child (by choice), I lack experience in this area. Though it seems to me that the experience of loving a child (a little or even a lot) more than you may love another child is a very common, but also a very taboo experience. Society’s expectations about “motherly love” are really over-the-top to say the least, and this kind of honesty freaks people out. So thanks to Moxie for pulling back the veil on this topic, because these kinds of feelings are nothing to be ashamed about.It’s all about how the parents choose to handle their feelings and the concomitant guilt.
    It can be incredibly damaging to kids to actually *know* that they are not the favorite child (how terrible it was for the PP who actually heard it from their parents while they were only a child). By the same token, being lied to for years by a parent who deals in denial — “I love all my kids the same” — and/or the burden of being told you are the favorite could be just as damaging.
    One example that comes to mind is my aunt’s relationship with her 2 adult sons. Her favorite phrase whenever she talks about them is, “I raised them both the same, why are they so different?” She is in so much denial & is unable to admit she loves her firstborn (age 27) more than she loves his younger brother (age 24). This fact has been painfully obvious to everyone in the family for years. Older son is now a doctor and younger son is a gas station attendant who does not speak to his mother anymore. No one can blame him, really. She was always more physically affectionate to the older son; always made clear her aspirations for him, and always compared the 2 boys mercilessly.
    She has struggled with some demons & bad choices, and has also been dealt some very sad hands in life. Her daughter, born 19 months after her first son, died when she was only a few weeks old. I don’t think she ever fully processed the grief, and wasn’t able to form very strong emotional bonds with her younger son who came along a year after his sister’s death.
    This is my long-winded way of saying please don’t engage in denial about these kinds of feelings. Let’s be honest with ourselves about our emotions. Find out where the feelings come from and what can be done, because as with so many personal challenges, if you don’t deal with it, you’ll probably be dealt with.

  45. Wow, this post couldn’t be more timely for me. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with our second (a boy!), who will be 26 months younger than our first son, and the thing I’ve been worrying most about is BEDTIME! And here are 40+ comments about just that! And it’s great advice; just what I needed. I love this blog. :)Am I the only one who is afraid that I will love #2 MORE than #1?
    It took me a VERY long time to bond with #1. I realize now (at almost-22-months) just how deep my feelings for this amazing kid go, but it took a long time to get there. I already feel more connected with #2 than I did with #1 until he was several months old. I have my visions of peaceful nursing sessions (I formula-fed #1, also related to the above problems). I picture him sleeping in a bassinett beside me. I picture holding him while I read to #1. And I have no frame of reference because #1 didn’t get a lot of that until he was older.
    Admittedly, I really really want a daughter, and I did feel a flash of disappointment upon confirmation that this will be another boy (we already suspected), but at the same time, I’m so excited to have brothers so close in age. I just have a brother, and my husband just has a sister, so we’re both thrilled to have two of the same gender to start with. (My husband wants 4 kids. I say the jury’s still out.)
    Anyway, I thank you all so much for the comments about see-sawing like, and I take to heart the notion that since they are individuals, I will love them individually. I have no doubt that is the case. But I still harbor a lot of regret that I missed out on so much of #1’s early babyhood because I just didn’t care about him that much.

  46. I have a girl (3 on Sunday) and a boy (8mo) that are 27 months apart. For me the love came differently for each. With my daughter (unplanned and resented during pregnancy) it was immediate and total infatuation. I was obsessed with her. She was beautiful. Perfect. No flaws that I could see (but were of course there). I WOTH after her and it was such a painful time of my life. I ached to see her every night. With my son (planned and very much wanted) it came slow. His head was shaped funny, he cried all the time, he never seemed happy. I saw ALL his flaws. It was slow going and not as intense but we got to the same place as my daughter and I shared. I now SAH and to say I look forward to time away from the kids is a gross understatement.For me, it came down to *like*. When my daughter’s being a brat I like my son better. When my son can’t be consoled I like my daughter better. And some days I like my cats better than both of them. I dig the seesaw thing- that’s very much how it is here.
    To sum up: it was never a question of love. With both, it came and it was beautiful and I can’t imagine (for myself) loving one more than the other.
    As a daughter, it was very clear my mom loved me the least (I’m 4/5) and it was sad for me. It hurt as a child and it hurts now. She never said “I love you the least” but actions speak volumes people, so make a conscious effort not to allow the favoritism to show through. (I’m not at all saying you’re not allowed to have that feeling- just be aware of it’s impact on both/all your kiddos.)
    I can’t offer much advice on dealing with bedtimes. Now it’s fairly smooth sailing but it was UNGODLY hard for the first 4-5 months. The best advice I’ve read so far is “get used to crying”. Others have found it to be not too bad but for us it was terrible but we made it through with most of our bodyparts intact :). It was esp. hard because by nature I’m not a half-asser and I had to learn to be one to get the kids down and there is no shame in that-It’s actually a rather useful survival tool;0).

  47. I haven’t had time to read the other comments yet, so I hope I’m not repeating.I have a 4yo girl and a 2yo boy. I was worriedthat I wouldn’t get enough time for the second one, and in a way I didn’t but it felt ok to me because the time i did get, i could spend simply enjoying this little boy, whereas with the first everything was coloured by the my own overwhelmedness at being a mom. i was a baby wearer, so i felt like this little guy didn’t mpact my daughter and my time too much at first, and so we were lucky to have a nice transition.

  48. r*k*mama -I have a theory that unplanned children are much calmer and easier to please than planned children. My first (a girl, 4yo) was very much planned for – we tried for a year to conceive her. She was, to put it mildly, challenging. In fact, she was SUCH terrible infant that I was really relieved when she hit the toddler phase. Our ped. recommended buying “Raising your Spirited Child” when she was only 4 months old – I have to say, it’s come in handy. It took me 18 months to really really bond with her (she STRONGLY preferred my husband, I had PPD, etc etc) My son, 17 mo, was a happy accident ( we had been planning a second, hadn’t gotten up the nerve yet, and had an “oops” baby) and is a mellow, joyful child. Of course, now that’s he’s a toddler, he has gotten more difficult, but all in all, he and I just click better. I love my daughter, but she and I are a LOT alike, so play off each other’s moods.

  49. @Jessica–I’m in a similar boat, expecting boy #2 three weeks from now. I didn’t fall in love with him until he was about 6 months (although I was deeply CONNECTED by instinct)…and my love for him has grown and burned hotter now that he’s 2. I think I was suffering from PPD and not understanding that I needed to relinquish the lesser parts of my pre-mom life in order to provide space for son #1. Because I feel so much wiser and less scared this time around, I feel more confident that I’ll love #2 much more quickly. But who knows.I am already mourning the loss of 1-1 time with #1, and fretting that I’ve wasted a good year of his life not REALLY appreciating him for all that he was.

  50. These are such interesting comments. I am 22 weeks PG with my second. I am also a little scared about how things are going to play out, specially about how #1 will react to the new baby. But my concerns are not about how to entertain #1 or anything like that. I am more worried about my relationship with #1. She is a girl. She’ll be 6 1/2 when #2 comes along (also a girl). It’s a big gap in age (which was not intentional). My daughter and I are extremely close (she is also very, very close to dad) and we have a very intense bond. She’s my sidekick, I am her playmate and while I am extremely happy about having another baby (I had a loss in between) I do fear that our relationship will never be the same. Add to that the fact that I am an only child, and I truly do not understand sibling relationships. Needlessly to say, I am nervous!That being said, I already love this baby I am carrying. I really do. I know I will love her for the person she is. Additionally, as an only child I always longed for that sibling relationship, so I am happy to give my daughter a sister. However, I won’t lie, I am nervous about how our dynamic will change. We are a pretty happy trio, things are so easy now. So, is a big age gap between #1 and #2 easier or harder? Any advise?

  51. Did not have time to read the other comments…My two are now 4.5 and two next month, and I have to tell you that the early days of the second baby are fading fast from my memory (evolutionary preservation of the species, I’m sure). But, I remember being quiet pleased and surprised that my second didn’t need as much coaxing to go to sleep. She was (and still is) a thumb sucker, so that helped her. But when she was a newborn, she was just fairly easy to put down. Nursing time could be a little tricky with the older one feeling quite left out, though. We did a lot of reading-while-nursing, and that seemed to help. Also, my older daughter had her own doll, her “baby”, that she loved to take care of while I was taking care of younger daughter.

  52. @ anon38: I have EXACTLY the same issue with my twin boys (16 mo). I love both dearly, but have a closer bond with twin A, since as an infant he was more difficult so I always ‘got’ him. We try to even things out, but now twin A is very particular and only wants me.I have to say, getting my twins both down for sleep, alone, is probably the hardest part about having twins. It was great when I could nurse both down, but other times I did the jump from crib to crib thing. Just recently I was holding one (balancing on crib rail) while patting the other’s back. We also did a lot of stroller or stroller + carrier naps.

  53. I’ve read through most of the comments and haven’t seen anyone else say what I’m about to write:I have more fierce-love feelings for my second than I do for my first. Of course, I love them differently (though hedra, wow, I can totally see your “one love” thing too–and maybe I have my own version of that) and for different reasons, and some days I like one more than the other.
    Anyway, I think part of it is that I had to grow to love being a mother with my first; with my second, I was already a mother and KNEW what was in store, so the bond was instant.

  54. My 2 boys are 19 months apart and baby bear is almost 4 months. I will say that if the two moms with 2 under 2 can hire some help, have friends or family come sometime it will be really helpful.We were given a very generous amount of money from my in-laws and for the first 8 weeks we had a babysitter come for 3-4 hours almost every day. Before baby bear came I though i would have them hang out with him and i would hang out with panda but initially because of the long-nursing sessions and just the chance to shower or catch up on some sleep the first month or so I was with baby bear and the sitters played with panda.
    It hurt our relationship because I felt very distant from him at first and we had gone from being thick as thieves to being so distant since he wouldn’t come near me as I nursed and so I started making it a point to spend 10 minutes a day with him of just quality us time. Then I started increasing it to 15, 20 and so forth. That way while I felt guilt over ignoring him so much I could appease myself that at least he got some undivided attention. Also, even though the sitters were there I felt a lot of regret that I wasn’t enjoying baby bear’s babyhood so much. Anyhow, I think it took me about 8 weeks to navigate the waters and feel like I could handle the 2 on my own.. and I used plenty of Thomas and Elmo and wheel of fortune to get through the first few weeks for nursing. Once baby got more efficient I started doing books and songs also (still did some TV) and by now Panda is beginning to entertain while I am nursing though I will still do books with him.
    I had the same learning curve as the first one in learning to manage 2 and that was about 8 weeks. As to the love, with panda my heart used to ache to hear him cry, to be physically apart from him and I was weepy and leaky all the time for a long time (many months) and the feelings were so intense because it was my love for him and my change in becoming a mom. With #2 I am so much more relaxed and things are not as intense and it took me about 2-3 weeks to fall in love with him though I loved him and was fiercely protective of him but it took a while to start loving him.
    As for now.. I love them both very differently and the like definitely see-saws. I don’t know if you can love your kids equal since it is so hard to quantify but I think you love them for who they are and the feelings of who you like more can cloud who you think you love more at one time.
    Also, I do think more of this how do i love each will come into play later when baby bear gets older and starts developing his personality.

  55. My girls are 2 years 9 months apart … the beginning was tough, especially because my older had given up naps and I was, obviousy, tired from tending to a newborn. Things that helped:1. My mom came and stayed for 6 weeks. I realize many people cannot (or don’t want to) replicate this. If you can, and it would work with your parent, I highly recommend it. My mom and my older daughter would play and go to the park, etc and give me some down time.
    2. Preschool. My older daughter went preschool in the mornings. I love, love, love preschool.
    3. TV. If this makes me a bad parent, so be it.
    4. A good baby carrier is also critical …
    I don’t love one of my girls more than the other. It sounds so patronizing to say that “you just have to wait until #2 arrives” but I think you do. Each girl is a different little person — each with great and not-so-great qualities. I wouldn’t say I love them the “same” but I can’t say I love one “more.” But I could not have imagined that before #2 was born …

  56. Oh and about the napping I remember reading a comment here a while ago by paola I think that she instituted same time nap time in her house. And while initially baby bear’s schedule was different and even now they are off sometimes during the afternoon we all lie down together. Now I don’t get to sleep every day because I may be putting one to sleep as the other is getting up but at least we all get a rest. Even on weekends we do family nap time. And so we will continue forcing this schedule on them for as long as we can.

  57. my son and daughter are nearly two years apart, and my third is almost exactly three years younger than my first. we co-sleep and when it was bed time for the oldest, i just took the baby in there with him and nursed her while he fell asleep. they didn’t sleep next to each other so that was never a concern.i should point out two things, though. first, i live in japan and we sleep on the floor (on futons) so there’s no worry about anyone rolling out of bed. second, i have been blessed with children who fall asleep easily, and the older child(ren) has never been disturbed by a hungry baby in the middle of the night.
    …i never worried about loving a second (or third) child less than the first. my mom would tell me over and over how she fretted before my brother (second child) was born, but i never had that worry. and i love my children fiercely, but i feel more protective and loving of the babies. it’s hard to explain exactly.

  58. I am expecting my second this December; my kids will be 3.5 years apart. So, I can only comment on the love part. I have always wanted more children, because I was afraid I would smother my daughter with the overflow of love I feel for her. Everyone seems to think they won’t love their children enough; I’m afraid I love them too much and will hold them back!

  59. Thanks so much Suzanna – you are the only other twin mom that has mentioned the same experience. I used to bring it up in my twins club but the moms would look at me like I was crazy so I just stopped talking about the fact that I always had the same one. My friends (still to this day) always give me a hard time about the one being my favorite and I really hate those comments. Not 100% sure that I just don’t want any kid to hear that and/or if I’m worried deep down there something to it, or just that I don’t think it is true – more familiar -definitely yes; favorite – don’t think so.

  60. @libby, and anyone else with large spacing due to a loss- please let your younger(s) know about the reason for the gap. just sometimes, in a quiet moment. my ex was 6 years younger and grew up thinking he was a less-wanted surprise. his mama told me she’d actually had several losses between him & his older sibs. i really think that knowing would have helped his dismal self esteem for all this time.i’ll not have another (planned) baby – 40 this year, no prospects for having whoopee, iud in place, had a classical section…but woudn’t slam the door on adoption.

  61. I’m not a parent yet, but I have had talks with my mom about this very thing, and while I know she loves us all equally, I also know she regrets how she handled things with my older sister, her second daughter.Someone else has mentioned it upthread – my mom now admits that she had really unrealistic expectations for her second baby. Her first was a girl, the light of her life, and *extremely* eager to please (her whole life, actually – my sister is the only one of my mom’s four kids who got grounded only once. And that was for missing the bus). When second sis came along, my mom was hoping for a boy, and was thrown by how difficult her new girl was. Also? My sister has my mom’s personality, which is not exactly easy-going. So they clashed quite a bit from the get go, and my mom now regrets her “silly” expectations and the fact that she’s always had more trouble with my sister. I was born six years later, after my mom had two miscarriages, so by that point, she was just happy to have a live baby, and was really into attachment parenting by then. And my younger brother was a “happy accident.”
    I guess the point I’m trying to make is that even if you love your kids equally, which I know my mom does, having unrealistic expectations seems to really seep through into how well you adjust to the second. My sister is now the least close member of our family (although she and I get along great when we see each other), the only one living more than a day’s drive away, and the only one who seems to have just the teensiest inferiority complex about her place in the family. Part of that I’m sure is due to personality, and the fact that she and my mom are so similar – i.e., independent. But my mom and brother clash a lot, too, and he is still very close to her. So I also suspect that my sister felt a second-best vibe from the beginning, and I wonder if she’d have stayed closer to family if that hadn’t been the case. The biggest bummer is that my mom really *doesn’t* love any one of us better and has a lot of pride in all her kids – I just don’t know if my sister will ever fully believe that.

  62. @marci and libby: Please also tell your older one at some point why there’s such a space. My dad is the older, and 5 years older than his younger brother. They have never been close. A few years ago we were at the dinner table with my grandmother, and she mentioned that she’d wanted to have her children with a 3-year gap between them, but “it didn’t work out that way, and I was lucky to have two at all.” My dad looked at her, and said, “Really?” All these years my dad had thought that his parents had a baby to replace him when he went away to Kindergarten, because they didn’t like him anymore since he was a big kid. Even when he was old enough to figure out that it couldn’t have been the case, he still carried that hurt around with him. Hearing that broke my heart.

  63. I don’t know what was going on with the dynamics of my own family but my mother clearly enjoyed spending time with my younger sister more than me. Divorced when I was 5 and my sister was 2 1/2, it was just the three of us growing up. They are STILL two peas in a pod and I’m the third wheel. Such is life I guess, I was always the more independent one.We’ve been tossing around the idea of having another baby. Our DD is now on the verge of 15 months so we’d wait at least a year to start trying. I want her to have siblings so they can be there for each other. My fear is they end up with a horrible relationship like the one I have with my own sister. Hopefully our parenting skills can ward that off.
    Incidentally, a great tip I read in a parenting magazine on how to handle two kids crying at once (if one is an infant)…
    Handle the older child first, because he or she will remember the incident. The infant won’t even know it happened.

  64. I have a boy and a girl who are 15 months apart. The older just turned two. I truly love both of them equally, but may be particularly annoyed or pleased with one or the other on any one day. (After all, who doesn’t get annoyed with their husband from time to time? Why should it be different with children?) I do think there is something a little bit unique about the relationship with a first child, something particularly intense and vulnerable because you learn so much together. Whenever I have nightmares about illnesses or dreadful accidents, they involve my first child. I don’t think that is necessarily a negative. My relationship with my second may be a bit less intense, but it is more relaxed, self assured and maybe mature. I somehow seem to have an easier time accepting her for who she is rather than imposing my own feelings on her.When the baby was very young, I often had a hard time focusing on both kids at the same time. I guess it took me a while to learn how to multitask emotionally. I really craved uninterrupted time with each of them, and thanks to a lot of help I was able to divide up my day to some extent (with some nursing breaks). There were times when my toddler seemed like a bit much, too loud, too messy, too threatening. I missed the ability to cocoon myself with the baby. (Especially because parenting a newborn was so much more effortless the second time around.) My husband ended up spending a lot of time with our toddler, which really enhanced their relationship.
    Now that both kids are a bit older, I enjoy their interactions tremendously. The older one had a very easy adjustment with minimal jealousy and the younger one adores him. I actually don’t find it that much harder to have two right now.
    Bedtime has definitely always been our biggest challenge. We now have a good routine that involves some TV for the older while I put the younger to bed. (When my husband gets home in time he entertains the older instead.) But when they were younger, we took it one night at a time. I tried to fit the baby into the routine as much as possible, but sometimes she ended up crying for a little bit while I put her brother to bed.
    My biggest recommendation is to work on good sleeping habits and a good bedtime routine with the older well before the younger arrives.

  65. My daughter’s 2.5 and my son is 2 months. Having 2 at the same time is DEFINITELY more challenging than just one. But it’s doable. Sometimes one or the other just has to fuss for a few minutes while you tend to the more immediate need.My daughter is learning the computer, so she can keep herself occupied for a while playing games on the Nick Jr. site. There’s also TV (sigh). And playdoh, which (when set up in the kitchen) can be relatively un-supervised for short periods of time. I also ask her to help me when I’m taking care of the baby, which occupies her. She can fetch blankets, keep up with passies, even hold the bottle (though that’s more of a joint effort). She likes to feel involved and I can keep tabs on what she’s doing.

  66. I have two girls, now 6 & almost 3. The hardest part of my second daughter’s infancy was my first daughter. She was an early and articulate speaker, which meant that she could tell me exactly how she felt about #2–I’d rather not have known!I love them both, but I like #2 so much more. She’s generally very easygoing, and we are similar in many ways, so I “get” her. I also agree with what someone else said up thread about how being a mom already made it easier to love #2. . . I spent lots of #1’s infancy adjusting to life as a mom, and for #2, the pregnancy was much less about me and more about the baby–it was really easier to comprehend what was coming. Her infancy was unbelievably easy for me.
    Coping mechanisms: loved the tv for naptime, but I also just toted #2 along with me, and she was mostly quite fine. When they got older & #2 had structured nap, #1 was patient b/c she knew that naptime would be our special “Mommy/#1 time”. I also did a lot of loud and obvious “#2, I’ll help you in a minute, I need to help #1 first” b/c it’s not like #2 understood words yet, anyway. And with #2 I already had established some mommy friends, so there was support. If you’re overwhelmed, tell a friend. It is usually pretty easy to help someone else, especially if your kids play already, and then the helper feels good, too.
    I can understand how people want tons of kids. We rolled the dice twice and got two entirely different and wonderfully lovable, smart, adorable children. It makes you wonder what other combinations you could come up with. . . .

  67. This makes me think maybe (when she’s older) I need to be sure dd knows why she is an only. Kids are weird, and seem to think everything is their fault. Truth is, I was 40 when she was born. She is a perfect, beautiful, smart girl and we are so blessed to have her we dont need/want another. I would assume she would know this, but maybe I need to be Sure she knows this.

  68. I am expecting #5 in December, and wanted to mention that in our family it got much easier to add a new baby after #2. The arrival of #2 was enormously difficult, but #3 and #4 just slid right in. (Some of that was having extra pairs of small hands willing to hold a peaceful baby for a few minutes while I settled the toddler, or to “read” Goodnight Gorilla to the toddler if the baby was fussing and needed me.)This is a suggestion with limited usefulness, but tandem nursing has worked really well in our family almost all the time. I thought I might lose my mind in the early weeks of trying to tandem-nurse the first two, but then matters improved dramatically. It’s an effective way to get two little ones to sleep at the same time. It’s a concrete way to say to the older one, “I’m still just as much your mama.”
    Here’s another granola suggestion, FWIW: wearing a baby to sleep in a sling has worked well for me if I am on my own at bedtime. I can put on some music and dance with the toddler while the motion eases the baby to sleep. If the baby is wakeful and the toddler needs some help getting to sleep, it sometimes works to walk in circles next to the toddler’s bed, singing to him while the baby hangs out in the sling.
    My first three children all gave up their naps when the next baby arrived. I got too exasperated trying to make naptime work, and they were all just about ready to go napless. I was pleasantly surprised, when my oldest stopped napping, to see that it wasn’t as exhausting as I had expected to have a child who didn’t nap anymore. Yes, it meant an end to that quiet midday interlude, but it also meant a 7pm bedtime.
    I will pass along a suggestion I heard when my second was brand new. When the baby is deeply asleep enough that you can lay him down, do. And say, in your older child’s hearing, “Baby, it’s time for you to take a little nap by yourself. Your big brother needs his mama all to himself for a little while, and that’s important.” Does it make a difference? No idea, but I want to do all I can to let the older sibling know that his needs will always be important to me.

  69. I have three kids: 8, 6, and 1. Here’s my take on this.1. Was scared to death I wouldn’t love #2, but I actually found it easier to connect to her in the early days than I did her elder brother b/c I was so much more relaxed. I had no fears about loving #3. I knew it would come. It did.
    2. I don’t recall how I handled the “newborn with a toddler” stage. My ex-husband traveled a lot and I was alone with them about 50% of the time. I must have blocked out the trauma. 😉
    3. Newborn with older kids can be equally as tricky. I did a lot of “Give me just one minute to get the baby to sleep and then we can do X.” This doesn’t usually work with a 2 yr old, but it worked with the older ones when #3 came along. I also pushed aside #3’s needs more than I did the older ones. Even if I knew the baby needed to nap, I might put it off 10-15 minutes to finish doing something with one of the older ones. A newborn has a shorter memory than a 7 yr old!
    4. Love. Love. Love. Do I love all three equally? Yes. But I love them differently. Each of them has qualities that drive me bonkers. And each has traits that endear them to me. My relationship with each one is unique, special, and unconditional. Do I *like* them equally each day? Nope (having a 15 month old who has hit the terrible twos is particularly trying right now). But I figure the “like” will all even out in the end. Just about the time the baby hits the golden kindergarten years, big brother will turn 13 with middle sister not far behind. God help me!

  70. I am the eldest of five girls and my mother always said whoever did the most housework was the one she loved the best. :)In truth I think my mum loves girls #3 and #4 the best. I left the country and was always quite independent, and #2 has had two kids which she basically ignores, and #5 is adopted but heaps younger than the rest of us… I think #3 and #4 by dint of being THERE, and more adult, and not actively being crazy, are who she loves best now.
    But she did always say she WANTED to have me the most, because I was the first, and that is an important distinction.
    And look, as a child of a difficult mother and a big family, it’s not a big deal. I get it and I don’t mind that I’m not the favorite… I think my mum tried, and she didn’t always do a great job but she loved us and she did her best. Even though we clash I love my mother. And she loves me. And I KNOW she wants to chuck me out a window sometimes. It’s life.
    I wouldn’t worry, for all of you lovely mums of two (or two to be, or ten, or whatever). Love isn’t automatic anyway. It’s something you have to work on your WHOLE life. And sometimes for some people in your family, it’ s always a work in progress. Chins up lads and ladies!
    Even the most difficult and headstrong kids (like ME) come good in the end. 🙂

  71. @anon38, we’ve got the reverse case – one of the twins preferred DH, from early on. She wasn’t as happy with me as she was with him. The world was right if he was holding her, and it was good enough if I was. So… yeah, we tend to divide that direction a bit, but it was from a different source. I’ve seen your situation so often, though, I’m surprised your multiples club didn’t seem to understand.

  72. haven’t read all comments – sorry if i repeat anything.my kids are 20 mths apart 2.5 and 11mths.
    first one a girl, true love at first cry amazing. second one a boy, surprise pregnancy, failed vbac, unchartered territory with a boy, a surprise redhead, no immediate feeling of love, not super cute (at first), just detached feelings in general, PPD/anxiety.
    but he also had a medical problem that we thought might require surgery at 6 months. the reality of having our little baby in surgery i think made me clearly feel/see the love i did have for him. he was a tiny little precious being that i loved and wanted to protect.
    in my experience with baby #1 it was so magical, so new and crazy exciting and with #2 i had some experience so it felt a little more grounded and real…
    the great thing now i find is that love with my kids is kind of like waves, there are days with big powerful swells and then calm still days where it is just subtle and not as overwhelming…but still there.

  73. I was a second child and my mother never bonded with me. It sucked.Will never ever have a second child- DD is great but I could very often take or leave the whole mom thing. A second child would make me intensely unhappy.

  74. My first daughter confronted to get her way. My second daughter intently observed the consequences of that choice and decided charm was a much better strategy. She was about 15 before I realized she got her way infinitely more than her combative sister.Second children learn social skills that serve them spectacularly well as adults.

  75. I have noticed when I call one daughter by another daughter’s name, the misnamed daughter is behaving in the way that daughter drives me round the twist.With 5 younger brothers and 4 daughters, I have always been aware that child psychology and most parenting advice neglect the tremendous effect of sibling relationships. Their sisters have shaped my daughters as much as their parents have.

  76. @Libby – my younger sister and I are 6.5y apart. I was mom’s helper and loved her immensely from the start. As a teenager, she got on my nerves. Now, we are the best of friends and she actually cares for my 1 y.o. daughter – I couldn’t be luckier. Hoping for #2, don’t want them too far apart but have to get around to trying…

  77. I have two, a boy just 3, and a girl 13mo. The first 6 weeks were AWFUL, the first 6 months challenging, and it is gradually getting better.My experience of loving them has been coloured considerably by PPD. My son I took a LONG time to bond with (at least 18mo) and he is a challenging soul, and extremely bright. You can’t get anything past him, or con him – he knows what he wants and won’t be appeased. I had a traumatic (emergency C section) birth with him and didn’t hold him for 24hrs, which I think had a large impact on our bonding. But I adore him despite his contraryness, and admire his spirit.
    I was still depressed when I had my daughter (she was planned in a general sense, but we were not prepared for how fast she actually arrived!). However I strived for a natural birth which I got, and actually caught her and held her for a good few hours before anyone took her away from me (they did her apgar on my chest). I bonded immediately with her and had the rush of love I didn’t have first time round. But because of undiagnosed silent reflux and an infection from the 3rd degree tear I had during her birth, I really found that I was very much resentful of her for at least 6 months (before the reflux was sorted out by our osteopath). I also resented her for the impact (negative) on my son, who was (and is) very aggressive and negative towards his baby sister (unless someone is threatening her, in which case he runs to her rescue!).
    Things are just about evening out now she is a year old. She is adorable, I am seeing her ‘cute’ stage that I missed in my son because of the PPD, which helps. Things are still tough with my son as he is 3 going on 15 and can be very challenging. Because he is so bright I forget quite often that he is only 3 . Also my daughter is very easy going. But I love them both equally – just differently.
    My sister and I were 2.2yrs apart, and there was a lot of favouritism in our family – my dad now only talks to my sister, and my mum only to me. My parents showed obvious preference, which can be so damaging that it has made my sister so resentful that she doesn’t feel that she can be part of a family any longer.
    It saddens me as it isn’t a good model for my children that parents can be so partisan. I may love my children differently, but only because they are very different people. I make sure they each get 1to1 time with me in equal measures. My friend has 6 children (some natural, some adopted, some fostered) and she said that the most important thing is 1 to 1 time, and not to treat them exactly the same if it isn’t in their interests to do so (all her kids went to different schools, etc).

  78. I have a 4 year-old girl and 2-year-old boy, 23 months apart. They’re actually closer to 5 and 3 (Fall babies).My daughter has been Daddy’s girl her entire life, from day one. Occasionally the Most Favored Parent needle edges my way, but she always cried for him at night, when she got a boo-boo, etc. I am mostly not bothered by it (and hey, got way more sleep that second year, post-nursing!) but I know she and I are not as close as he and she are.
    My boy, to complete the Oedipal cliche, is very attached to me. He was an easier nurser (though of course it helps that I knew what I was doing by then) and an overall mellower little person.
    I love them both, but I acknowledge the difference in how bonded they are to us. And they really really love each other, which is awesome. I have a sister 13 months younger than I and we are close, and a good, close sibling relationship is what I want most for my kids. I was never afraid I would love one more than the other, and because my first was so close to her Daddy, I’m not sure I really felt like I would lose any special one-on-one time, because it wasn’t there to lose.
    Post-partum advice: The best I got was to tend the emotional needs of the toddler and the physical needs of the baby. So I might have been nursing the baby, but I would be talking to the toddler, or reading books with her, or interacting while she played.

  79. For those worried about loving #2 as much as you love #1. I found it’s the same as thinking about how differently you love your husband from how you love your current child(ren). You don’t love them the SAME but you love them EQUALLY.Also? I use the tele a lot. Thank gods for Noggin and Sprout all-preschool-all-the-time. No, it’s not always on, but it’s awesome having the option because two unruly boys are two too many.
    It took me longer to really love #2, than #1. Different birth circumstances aside, I was more tired and worn and stretched thin and loving someone is so much harder under those circumstances. We bonded eventually, and the love came too. It’s hard…so hard…at first, but you adapt.

  80. Two kids, 4 and 2.A lot of this feels familiar, the seesawing is really perfect. I tend to like #2 better, but I feel that #1 tends to shine (behaviorally speaking; I see all the whining, tantrums, and irrationality) apart from #2, and so grandparents, camp counselors, etc, etc. get to see the best. Because #2 is kind of attached to my hip.
    Anyway, it took us 2.5 yrs to conceive #1. I loved #1 from the womb. Seriously. When we found out about #2, I was devastated. Based on our prior history I did not expect to conceive as readily as we did–it was completely accidental, in my mind, because the almost-ecological breastfeeding should have been ok birth control. (Um, no. My bad.)
    I spent my whole second pregnancy thinking that I was ruining my baby’s toddlerhood, although a sib was important in the grand scheme of things, but later. Then when we found out the gender of #2 I was devastated all over again, because somehow the close age gap could have been justified if #2 were the opposite gender. (@ Andrea2…I’ve been there. It took me the rest of my pregnancy to get over it.)
    Then #2 was born. And looked EXACTLY like #1 had at birth. And I was smitten. And guilty that I had such outrageously awful feelings for my entire pregnancy. So I think I’ve been softer on #2 the entire time to make up for that. #1 was more of a textbook baby in terms of nursing and napping and all that; if I had had #2 (a “snacker”) first I would have been a fretful disaster, but instead I just relied on various slings and shrugged and let naps happen whenever and nursing in public? BTDT.
    Really, though, #1 is getting the brunt of all of my parenting mistakes. And I think I expect too much maturity. Lots of times I want to just scream “Grow up already!” It was only very recently–and mostly because my husband told me I had to–that I stopped assuming that #1 was the aggressor when they started to bicker. #2 is 2 now, and all the limit testing and obnoxiousness is coming to the fore–so honestly some days I don’t like that much either.
    It is hard to be patient. I still don’t sleep nearly enough because I have a lot of stuff going on that has to be done while the kids are sleeping (after 9pm and before 7am). I rarely get naps and my parenting really suffers after 2-3pm.
    When they were little and both napped: lots of PBS Kids for #1 (thankfully born a TV addict). I could often get the afternoon nap of #2 to overlap with the nap of #1 for at least an hour and that was pretty much the saving grace of my life for fall 2006-summer 2007. But there was probably a lot of fussing too, which I’ve blocked out, apparently.
    It took a long time for the kids to play together, but around when #2 turned 2 (#1 turned 4 soon after) they started doing really well. There is often bickering, but sometimes it’s terrific creative play, building with Legos, etc. #2 will not play with other 2 year olds, but a couple of 4 year olds bossing around #2 is great fun.

  81. I absolutely adored #1, but trusted I would love another baby. When #2 came, I loved him helplessly, totally, so much that I let my husband mostly take care of our daughter while I cared for the baby. After all, I was nursing, my husband had never cared for a newborn, etc… Now, 10 months later, my daughter is more attached to my husband than she is to me, I still enjoy my baby more (my 3-year-old is in a very whiny patch), and I feel awash with guilt about it. I hope it’ll all even out. I’m working on it — trading bedtime routines, making cookies with my daughter, and so forth. The problems you never think you’ll have!

  82. I’ve read most of these posts and have just a little to say. I’ve observed three couples where the parents seemed unable to love one or another of their children. In one case, it was the first child, who broke up the husband’s intense devotion to his wife, who needed intense devotion. The child’s mother seemed always annoyed with her daughter. The birth of the second seemed to make things better, actually. In the second case, the first child resembled the husband, the second the wife. She hated her husband and her first child. She divorced her husband and gave him custody of the first child. Ugly. The third was a couple who had more than four children. The mother had a pretty cold eye when it came to the faults of her children and you didn’t have to be psychic to see that she preferred some to others. The Point: the fault was in the size of the parents’s hearts, not the size of the families.

  83. New mom to 2 kids here! They are 2 yrs. and 2 mos. apart, to the day. My 2 year old is spunky, borderline spirited. The baby seems to be more mellow, and that makes all the difference.I had both kids to myself for a weekend recently, and the key to maintaining sanity and actually enjoying the time was planning regular activities for me and the 2yo AND wearing the baby a lot. Bedtime was more challenging. I bathed my 2yo while wearing the baby in a wrap (not a sling, but a wrap). I did his bedtime “stuff” with her in the wrap. The only time things were tough was when she woke up hungry. She fortunately did not wake during the bath, so I got through my son’s bedtime stuff quickly and nursed her while reading stories to my son. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked.
    And I think that last line is what makes managing 2 kids easier or possible. I stop trying for the ideal when I have both of them awake. I do the best I can with them and accept that what I can give them will have to be good enough. If one of them REALLY needs something right then and there, then the other one has to wait. Again, it’s not perfect, but it is life.
    To that point, my daughter got a bit sick on that same weekend. I ended up calling a sitter during my son’s nap, whispering to my sleeping boy that I would see him at dinner time, and then driving an entirely too long distance to the doctor. My son had to wait for my attention, and that was lousy. My daughter would have to wait if my son were sick or injured, and that would be lousy too. It’s just life.
    As a new mom to 2, I find that I muddle through and try to learn from the muddling.

  84. I have 2 boys, 22 months apart. Younger is almost 4 months now. Neither of them captured my real love at birth – instinct love, yes, keep-it-alive-it’s-mine love but not the real deep love I started to feel for son 1 at the 4 – 5 month mark. I love them for different reasons but I don’t think I could ever quantify it – I love #1’s great verbal skills and #2’s great eyebrows, for example.I definitely have days where I prefer one over the other and days when I would prefer both of them to leave (that’s today) – I expect that with so many personalities and developmental stages in play this is pretty normal. Some days are better than others and I am surprised at how exhausted I am but I have been using “one day at a time” as my mantra and lo, almost 17 weeks of this double duty has gone by.
    Practically: it was so very valuable to have help in the first month, mainly someone to pay attention to #1 because I wasn’t capable of it…dad took a month off work. I don’t recommend having anyone help you out by paying attention to the older child unless that person and your toddler are very familiar with each other..we had grandparents come from out of town and they tried to help, taking #1 to the park etc. but he hadn’t seen them in 6 months and wouldn’t leave my side, went into deep separation anxiety mode for the whole 2 weeks. That sucked.
    Infant hangs out on the floor / in bouncy chair / on the boob while i read stories before naptime. By bedtime, daddy’s home & we split the duties. Infant also has his morning nap in the ergo carrier while me & toddler hang at the park. I do fear winter (it rains for 6 months here) but – one day at a time.
    I’ve taken to viewing this whole “2 kids” thing as an investment. I like to close my eyes when they’re being terrible and screaming at the same time and imagine them at 22 and 24, having beer and talking about how crazy I am. That makes me smile. For now.

  85. Oh and also: TV / dvds. We walk to the library and he picks out a couple a week. When younger was wee and needed to be bounced to sleep every time, I’d bounce on the yoga ball in the living room while elder watched his movie.

  86. I don’t know if I’m “allowed” to comment on this one, since I don’t fit any of your suggestions for helping out here, Moxie, but after reading that the comments were freaking people expecting #2 out, I thought I’d bring a little sunshine.I was truly terrified of #2 ruining #1’s life. Could not imagine loving anyone as much as I loved #1, *and* wondered how I could ever handle 2, because 1 was so hard. I truly hated my little brother for years. I was #1, he was #2, and I felt he ruined my life. Man, I made his life miserable for years, and really regret how I treated him. Anyway…
    #2 came along, and even after a forced 20 hour separation from him after birth, I loved him! I definitely didn’t know him as well, and I will say I was not nearly as worried about never letting him cry–but I chalk that up to not being able to spend all my time just looking at him, and being an experienced mom instead of a new one. Time has enabled me to know him better.
    I was shocked that I was easily able to love them both, the first just as much as ever, and the second so fully–who would have thought my heart was that big? Well, I did love the cat a little less…so maybe that’s where all the room came from? 😉
    They were 31 months apart, so they don’t fall in to the close together realm. #1 has always needed a lot of help going to sleep, but she seemed to figure things out, and understood that #2 needed help more than she did when I had to put her off for a bit to meet his needs.
    She lost the “center of my world” title, but now they’re both the center of my world. And I think it’s actually good for her not to be so important…if that makes sense–I think that just fostered a selfishness and pride that aren’t really healthy.
    I still constantly stress about being a good mom to both of them–but I feel such an overwhelming love for them–I’m still amazed. And as for fearing I wouldn’t love #2 as much–there are definitely some days he’s my favorite–that seesaw analogy was perfect!
    I love them both as much as the other, but I don’t treat them the same. And though I don’t know their innermost thoughts, I definitely think they both feel just as loved as they need and desire.
    All that to say, take heart expectant second -time parents, your hearts have room for one more!

  87. I read a book while doing my Master’s (The Essential Conversation by Sarah Lightfoot Lawrence) that was about teaching and not bringing the ghosts of your educational past into the classroom as a teacher, especially if those ghosts are negative. Same thing applies to parenting. Did you have a negative experience as a second/first/whatever child?Also, I’ve found that there are three criteria for “more” kids (whatever that may be–if you can “choose” to get pregnant): are you physically, emotionally and financially ready? Not that everything is perfect in those areas, but are you prepared?
    I found with #2 that I wasn’t ready for it emotionally in that #1 was so self-entertaining and so I had lots of “me” time. With #2 I had to watch when she got mobile that #1 didn’t push her over, snatch toys away from her, hit her etc.
    As for my situation, took 4.5 years of emotionally draining trying to get pregnant before #1 arrived. After an intense and 30 hour labor with four hours pushing, he arrived. Then we were both so exhausted that nursing was a disaster. I found myself getting angry and resenting him and freaked out that I was experiencing that motherly bond. Thankfully, after a lot of work on nursing and bonding, things are better (except now I find myself annoyed that he bops his sister a lot).
    My favorite book on this whole situation is I Love You the Purplest (by Barbara Joose, I think). It’s about loving each kid in a different way. They aren’t the same and that’s a really good thing.

  88. So for those of you who felt like it wasn’t “that bad” to add a newborn to a family with a toddler… did you feel like you really had a handle on things when you just had the toddler???I’m scared to have another because my 1st is 19 months old and my house is still a mess and he still naps usually in the car because I just can’t get it to work otherwise. We JUST started sleeping through the night more often than not in the last month or so. So I feel like I’m just not that organized or successful with having it all “together”. Although my son is happy and healthy and smart and funny…. I worry more that this house is going to fall apart and my husband is going to resent it (and I’m going to feel like an even bigger failure)…
    Does that make sense? I guess my question is – are any of you non type A super moms out there? How did it go when you had #2???

  89. I’ve just been re-reading all the comments–everyone had such interesting insights!@Jill, I just wanted to address your concern about the house thing. I am actually pretty type A, so the sense of “failure” was with me and not so much in my family’s eyes. But still. I know it’s not always realistic for people, but I hired a cleaning lady for 6 months. Just to come once a month, so people didn’t stick to the floor. (In my own defense, I had a C-section, so I wasn’t supposed to do a lot of cleaning, plus I had to pump-&-feed b/c I was unable to nurse, so baby and self care took WAY more time than normal.) But it helped, because I knew there was always an “end” in sight (e.g. “in 2 more weeks this will all be clean…”)
    Also, keep in mind that there will always be some stage #1 goes through that will be challenging to think about with another. Once he’s been sleeping great for a while, then he’ll be potty training. Then he’ll be in preschool, so how to you manage that schedule with a newborn. In other words, there will always be some sort of thing to work around. But it usually comes together. What you have to remember is that specific problems will arise and you can deal with them when they do (probably here!) But for now, it sounds like you’re almost afraid of the unknown (something I struggled with). It gets easier, really.

  90. Mother of an only chiming in, here — I obviously can’t speak to the loving a second child the same as the first. That said, speaking from my own experience growing up in a family with two kids, I think the major issue is treating siblings in such a way that they perceive the parental love to be equal. (Notice I didn’t say treat the sibs the same — kids are different and need different things, obviously).I think that’s gotta be tricky, because as a lot of posters have said, sometimes parents understand one child better than the other(s) just because of personality compatibility, and therefore enjoys being that child’s parent more. That compatibility/enjoyment can be read by all the kids as one child being loved more than the other(s), which can develop into a real issue in terms of the overall family dynamic. My mom and I are alike as peas in a pod personality-wise, and my sister is very, very different — my mom did her dead-level best to show that we were (and are) loved equally, but frankly that situation led to some challenges in all three relationships (mom-me, sis-mom, me-sis). I don’t have an answer as to how to prevent such issues, but being aware is a good start.

  91. Hastening to edit myself — rather than saying “therefore enjoys being that child’s parent more,” what I shoulda said is “therefore *has an easier time* parenting that child.” That’s much closer to what I mean.

  92. It may seem crazy, but I have a 7wk old and a 2.5 y/o and when I brought #2 home, I found that I absolutely could not pay attention to my older daughter. Like some crazy bonding drug was taking hold and forcing me to focus on the new one, and only her. It’s abated somewhat, and I am getting back some of that intimacy with my first, but I feel enormous guilt over it. And holy hell, the second one is so colicky and big sister is a trooper for putting up with it all. There is much great advice above, I’ll just add that at the near-2-month mark, things are SO much better.

  93. On the ‘easier to parent the ones you understand’ thing… I’ve been thinking about this, and there’s another factor involved beyond ‘understand’ – it’s ‘trust’ (for me, anyway). Even though I don’t really UNDERSTAND one of my kids, I trust in that child, have faith that we’ll carry on and work our way through and that I’ll be open to what is needed, and since I’m not in perfect attunement I try to ask about what is needed, and respond the best I can. There’s a difference there between that and what my mom did with my sister who she also ‘did not get’, which was to throw up her hands in defeat and stop attending because it seemed to get her nowhere. I don’t expect that attending WILL get me anywhere, I just trust my child to eventually let me know what does and doesn’t work. I refuse to take it personally (okay, most of the time!), or feel guilty, or feel too bad about it (granted, it helps that others have observed the same thing!). When I’m really stumped, it’s uncomfortable, but I always end up back at ‘I trust’. I hope that works out – we’ll see. I think it at least balances the ‘I don’t understand’ part, and allows the love to show.

  94. Oh yes, so timely. I’m a mere 9 weeks along with #2, we’ve been trying for a while to make a sibling for our dd who is now 19 months. I feel like she’s already getting the neglected end of the mommy stick, I’m so tired and queasy! Fortunately we just got a cat and she is in 7th heaven with her new best friend. Noggin channel had been doing some extra shifts, and I do feel guilty about that.I’m not concerned about loving one more than another, she was such a colicky monster the first several months and is now so much fun- I’m ready. I would like #2 to not be such a doppleganger of dad, can I have my own mini me?

  95. As an older sister to a younger brother, who was always the favorite and remains so (I refer to him as “the Golden Child” behind his back because he can do NO WRONG, yes I am mature) I’m sort of terrified of repeating that dynamic in my own home, especially since #1 is a girl and #2 is a boy. However, I find myself favoring my daughter if I favor either, because she is JUST like me and I get her a lot easier than I get him–of course, he’s just turning six months old so there’s not a lot to “get.” And she is just a stronger personality, so I find myself (and everybody else) paying a lot more attention to her.As far as love, I am struck by how different it is. My oldest is like this remarkable, funny, character and my love for her is so mixed with amazement and pride to see what she’s like. My son, there was just this amazing, joyful love for him the minute I laid eyes on him–although I was very ambivalent about a second child and how I would possibly handle this my whole pregnancy. Now that he’s here, I am crazy about him and feel like there was a him-shaped hole in our family I didn’t know was there until he came.
    Of course right now having two is kicking my ass and my three year old is making me crazy so what the hell do I know.

  96. Such a great post. My favorite comments are from the ones who have grown children. How aware you seem! I wish my parents were too. They unfortunately had far too much on their plate. I say if you have any kind of ambivalence, it’s probably normal, but it’s worth talking it out. It’s definitely worth getting help if the emotions become too strong (for you). If my parents had only done this in some form or other, my sib and I would be on better terms today.

  97. About the favouritism thing… I’m the oldest of five children, I was 18 months when my brother was born, 5 when the next one came, then 8 and 14. My youngest brother was 6 when I moved away for college, so I have never been at home without children in the house. Add to the mix that my father’s job took him away for months at a time… now, I honestly cannot understand how my mom got through this, and working full-time as well (although I do seem to remember her taking time off when we were really young).Does having this many children come at a cost? Absolutely. I didn’t realise it when I was a child myself, but now I look back at my childhood and I see how incredibly much I didn’t get, that I could have. There was very little one-on-one time, and when I was going through a crisis at school (bullying) no one really had the time or effort to try to deal with it. Oh, they tried, but nothing changed. Needless to say, I don’t have a very strong bond with my parents today, although we’re trying to work on it. I also had a lot of responsibilities around the house, with babysitting and housework, that my friends my age didn’t have. They often questioned why I had to go home and help out as soon as I was done school (“they’re not your children”) but for me it wasn’t a question. There was work to be done; diapers to be changed, dinner to be prepared, babies to bathe and put down for a nap, laundry to be folded. And so it was my responsibility to do it.
    But do I think it was worth it? Absolutely. This meant that I have four younger siblings, some of which I have a very good relationship with, and the others will hopefully come later. (My brother who is 18 months younger than I am and I don’t really speak… not because we hate each other, we just live far apart and don’t have much to talk about.) I cannot imagine life without my sisters, or my youngest brother. They’re living breathing human beings with their own personalities, hopes and dreams today, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. (Although I fear that my parents’ workaholicism has made me a total perfectionist who has a very hard time to relax. I always feel like there’s work to be done!)
    Am I planning to have five children myself? No way in hell. But can I imagine only having one child, with no siblings? Absolutely not.
    So, I hope that helps someone considering whether or not to have a large family…

  98. Such a timely post! I really want to thank everyone who posted their experiences. #2 showed up a 11 days ago and I *totally* feel like we’ve rained on #1’s party (she’ll be 4 in Nov). The week before the birth was hell–between a week of pre-labor, DD’s gosh awful 3.5ness and her fears of the new baby turning into insane clingy-ness and whiny-ness–I love my daughter, really I do, but dang, this baby is easier.and that is a real concern to me. I have always had to plan ahead with her and keep things really organized so that we have good days (she’s high maintenance) but being pregnant and old (!) has made planning ahead pretty rough. Its been a hard summer. Thank heavens for preschool, I wish it were every day. Today I had to remind myself that even before the baby Sundays were hard b/c we just can’t keep up with her. Or I can’t.
    And yet she is amazingly articulate and beautiful and tells fabulous stories…her birth was traumatic and I feel its led to and intense (and slightly crazed) relationship as I navigated mommyhood.
    My big fear is turning into a friend of ours who loves her younger immensely more than her first. She gives her daughter lots and lots of time (school-related largely) but admits freely that she drives her nuts. her son is much more sympatico with her personality. I’m sure the daughter must know it. My daughter is like me in many ways yet far more high maintenance than either DH and I ever were–I don’t want our relationship to degenerate with the birth of Baby. His presence in our house is still so new that I’m blindly feeling my way through it…
    clearly, I needed to vent a bit. My mom was here but then had to leave 2 weeks early for a family funeral so I’m facing my first morning alone with 2 kids tomorrow. We are also moving and I’m teaching one class this term all at the same time (starts this week), so stress levels are high.

  99. I’ve got three. With #1 (now 6), I had awful PPD and it took a few months before I really enjoyed her. With #2 (now 3), I enjoyed her from the first moment. But with the two of them together at home, it took several months before I felt I could enjoy them at the same time. One or the other was always pissing me off. ;)#3 (6 mos) was a HUGE surprise, but I have adored him from the very beginning. His babyhood has been the easiest by far.
    I tend to have more patience with #2 than with #1, and my husband is the opposite (and he’s generally a much more patient person than I am). Ironically, #1 is my overachiever, and #2 needs some extra help.
    All that said, I never envisioned myself a mother at all, let alone a mother of three, and I honestly adore them all.

  100. I’ve been wanting a 2nd so my little guy will have a sibling close to his age (older sister is already out of the house). I have no doubts that I’ll be able to love a 2nd child. But after reading all of these comments, I’m seriously wondering whether it will kill some of the dynamic with 1st child. He’s only 9 months old now, and I absolutely adore him. It would break my heart not to have time to spend with him, because he’s so sweet and fun and amazing. So now I’m totally torn about what to do.

  101. Mom of two, 24 months apart. Felt the same way–can’t POSSIBLY love the second as much as the first, and believed that I was different from everyone else who said they had felt that way–but I love second the same as first. I like the description above of the love being one love that they both swim in.I came home from hospital with second with such a craving for first that it scared me. I missed him so much and felt like I was doing him such harm by rupturing our relationship by bringing another baby into our house. As my therapist said, it’s a good rupture, but it’s still a rupture, and he’ll heal in his own way as long as you don’t try to pretend it’s not there. So we acknowledged the yucky stuff; it’s not always fun to have a new baby in the house. It stinks when mommy doesn’t have time to do everything. You wish the baby could go back. We were also on the lookout for the first signs of actually liking the baby so we could note them; unfortunately, it took a long, long time. First didn’t actively dislike second for very long, but she was more a fixture than a person. It’s only been since she was able to play with him–the last 9 months or so?–that I can say he likes her. And they’re both completely normal and healthy, so I think there’s lots of room for variation on that front.
    My liking them does seesaw. But I think it evens out over time–like over the course of a month, maybe? Mine are now 3.5 and 1.5 so there are more and less likable things about each.
    Re: napping, crying will happen. Everyone will be unhappy at the same time, including you. Do whatever you have to do to get through that first six or so months–it does get easier.

  102. Can I say that it’s OK to not love your younger kid once in awhile? And that you’ll ALSO not love your older kid once in awhile. I have frequent moments of resentment of the younger child for being so damn NEEDY when my older is almost 4 and self-sufficient much of the time. And I often resent the 4 year old for being so GROWN UP and pushing every limit and just generally being DIFFICULT when my baby is so sweet and innocent. But overall, it evens out, I think. And you will never BELIEVE how much you love that baby, overall, over time. You truly won’t.

  103. This is very instructive. My wife and I just found out she’s six weeks along and we’ve got a soon-to-be 10 month old boy.

  104. I have only skimmed previous comments, so forgive me for repeating. Mine are 26 months apart. Bedtime was only challenging when it was me by myself. My husband is in grad school 2 nights a week. When he’s home, he would do the older and I would do the younger, since that involved nursing.When he was gone, I’d get both in their pj’s, and get Older in her bed looking at books. I’d nurse Younger in the chair in Older’s room so we could chat and she wouldn’t feel left out. She’d flip through books, then I’d go put Younger down, and come back to read books with Older and finish off her bedtime routine.
    Now that Younger is weaned, Older comes in his room to listen to Younger’s stories, we put him down, and go into her room for her stories.
    Harder than bedtime for me was nursing while keeping a 26 month old entertained. I relied on some TV (I TiVo’ed some favorites so they were always at the ready and we could skip commercials) – that would cover one feeding – and stacks of new library books. She’d sit next to me while I nursed, I’d read while she turned the pages.
    Younger is now 18 months and so special to me. I sometimes worry that I love him more than his big sister, but I really think that I just feel that way sometimes because (1) he’s very snuggly by nature, and she’s not, and (2) she’s 3.5 now, and more argumentative, making my 18 month old seem easygoing by comparison.

  105. My older two are 14 months apart. The first year with two is a blur. My younger was an easy baby, so that helped. For morning nap, I would swaddle her, nurse her, and put her in her swing–all while my older son played nearby. I’m sure there was also TV involved, but he wasn’t all that into TV at that age. For afternoon nap, I would feed my son his lunch and he would often fall asleep in his high chair (!). I could transfer him to bed from the high chair. Then, I would put baby to sleep in her swing same as in the morning. It was all about survival.

  106. Okay, chiming in late here, but…Totally identify with pp oldest of five. Am also the oldest of five, and went through the same having responsibilities at home thing, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. That experience helped teach me how to care for children, and made me much more at ease with having babies of my own. I have three children, ages 8, 6, and 21 months, and am currently trying to get pregnant again. Not sure this one will even be our last.
    When our oldest two were little, it was hard. They are now the best of friends and though they do fight and bicker, they also laugh and play together like nobody’s business. When we were trying for the third, we just adored our older two and feared the addition of a third might mess it all up. Quite the contrary; our youngest is a darling treasure and we all just adore her. Even the older two help her along and crack up at her antics.
    One of the major keys to making it all work is to enable, encourage, and expect them to be as self- sufficient as possible from a young age. (ala hedra’s Montessori at Home). It not only spreads out the workload, it builds self- confidence; everybody likes to feel like an indespensible part of a team, right?
    It seems to me that a lot of the posters who have some negative feelings toward certain of their children have mostly younger children; to them I say give it time. Yes, there are always and will always be days when I want to ring one or more of my childrens’ necks… but they’re all sleeping like blessed angels right now, and the sound of the day’s laughter is still ringing in my ears.

  107. Well, I don’t have two, but I wasn’t planning on one either.Just another confirmation that it can take awhile to bond. I have (not so) jokingly said that when DS was first born I wanted to leave my entire life behind and change my name and move to Vegas. Fortunately, that did eventually go away. I wasn’t deeply in love when I had the baby.
    Now he’s almost 18 months and I ache with love for him. He can be a royal pain, and there are times where I just stick him in the crib for 20 minutes so I can just not be in the same room. But that doesn’t change that I will tear up nearly every time I think of him still. That definitely took awhile.
    We’re not planning on a second, although it’s been discussed. I have enormous, and I mean ENORMOUS respect for you moms of more than one child. In many ways I’d like another, however, bad toddler days are sort of birth control.

  108. My daughters are 4.5 years apart. Before #2 was born I felt like I was betraying #1 big-time! I had enjoyed such an intense bond with #1, that I felt like I was ruining her life by bringing #2 into the fold. I expected her to act out and be angry or jealous, but she caught me off guard (and at my most hormonal) by acting heartbroken and weeping! Sigh. It quickly passed. I didn’t feel the same all-consuming intense love right away with #2, like with #1. I mean I loved her, but she didn’t change the focus of my life completely like #1 did. I’ve heard that first babies change the family, and subsequent babies blend into the existing family, and that has certainly been the case for us.Now that #2 is nearing four years old, it’s apparent that she’s turned out to be the easier of the two by far. We enjoy just being together and our energy levels match well. I guess you could say that our personalities jibe better than mine and #1’s. And I can admit that I LIKE #2 more than #1 (I won’t be telling them that), but I love them the same (just like my mom always told me and my sister). The most gratifying thing for me is that they love each other so much. Their age difference hasn’t been a problem at all. And to think that I was worried that I ruined #1’s life! Instead, I made her life better by giving her an extra person to love.

  109. .In early 1992 A song Jaycee Lee’ is recorded in her honor, once again honpig that something, anything, will lead to her being found.The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months.On June 10th, 1992, a candlelight vigil is held on the first anniversery.Still, there have been no verified sightings of Jaycee since she was kidnapped. Hope fades -The stres begins to take its toll on the Probyn-Dugard family. Though Terry does not, and never will, believe that Carl had anything to do with it, there marriage is strained. It also has an effect on there young daughter, Shayna, who now finds that they hover over her and are over protective. She also begins to grow up knowing that Jaycee is always on her parents mind, but Shayna herself is to young to remember her big sister, and can only see her in old photographs and home movies..Carl’s inlaws come to believe that there is no car, no female passanger, no kidnapping. they believe Carl is involved and hire a private investigator to check him out.To this day, Carl Probyn wants nothing to do with his in-laws. -On the fifth anniversery of the kidnapping, the meyers library dedicates’ a monument to jaycee on a stone outside of the library. In it is an inscription Jaycee Lee Dugard May 3 1980 As god forver embraces you in his love. I forever embrace you in my heart. love mom’ -The suspicions about Carl, and even Terry, continue. They culminate in the ultime indignity.On march 22, 1997, Tahoe police, armed with a search warrent, search the house, under the porch, and dig holes in the front yard, looking for jaycee’s remains. About 1 percent of tahoe thinks we had something to do with it’, Carl grumbles. This just adds fuel to the fire.’ They do not remain the only suspects for long.In early December that year, tahoe police capture a boyfriend/girlfriend kidnap team who abducted and killed a womaon in pleasonton california and dumped her body 5 miles from the spot where jaycee was kidnapped.The woman’s photo seems to match the sketch Carl gave of the female passanger perfectly. My husband and i do agree that there is a signifigant resemblence’ Terry states.Still, no connection is ever found. The female suspect denies a 100 percent that they had anything to do with Jaycee’s kidnapping. In fact, they werent even together in 1991.The case continues to go nowhere.In 1998, Terry and Carl seperate. Then they move back to Southern California, Carl to Orange county, and Terry and Shayna to her sister In Riverside.Before Terry leaves tahoe, she helps form a fighting chance’ a program designed to teach children to fight back when a kidnapper tries to abduct them. It is dedicated to the memory of Jaycee Lee Dugard’. If she’d known what to do she would still be here with me.’ Terry says on an instrcutional vido for the program. I will never give up looking for you’. She ends.The video is still played in Tahoe schools to this day. -On June 10th, 2001, Terry and Shayna return to Tahoe to particpate in in a pink parade’ in South Lake Tahoe, to commemorate the 10th Anniversery of the kidnapping. We need closure.’ Terry states. Give us that peace.’She is not alone. She walks beside the family ok Krystal steadmen, a 9 year old girl who attended the same school as Jaycee and was murdered by a sex offender and his son in march 2000. Take as many pictures of your family as you can, cause you never know how long it will last’. Terry reads as a statement from them. -In March 2003, developments lead Terry to the hopeful thought that Jaycee is possibly still alive.Elizabeth smart, kidnapped 9 months previously, is returned safely to her family. Can you imagine the miracle for her family? OH my god, i want that too .’ Terry tells a radio station.Despite police efforts to see if there is a connection to the two cases, None is ever found. Terry is back where she began, no closer to answers, to resolution, to finding her little girl. -August 26th, 2009 No, maam, its true!’ the FBI Agent exclaims. Here, i’ll put her on the phone for you . By now Terry must be incredulous.Is this for real? Is this possible? She must be thinking. There is only one way to find out. -to be continued

  110. A bail bond agent, or bondsman, is any poresn or corporation that will act as a surety and pledge money or property as bail for the appearance of poresns accused in court. Although banks, insurance companies and other similar institutions are usually the sureties on other types of contracts (for example, to bond a contractor who is under a contractual obligation to pay for the completion of a construction project) such entities are reluctant to put their depositors’ or policyholders’ funds at the kind of risk involved in posting a bail bond. Bail bond agents, on the other hand, are usually in the business to cater to criminal defendants, often securing their customers’ release in just a few hours. Bail bond agents are almost exclusively found in the United States and its former commonwealth, The Philippines. In most other countries bail is usually much less and the practice of bounty hunting is illegal.

  111. okay a day late but Happy 3rd Anniversary!!! I completely unndrstaed how you feel about loving Lori more today than you did the day you got married. I always tell Raresh that I can’t imagine loving him more than I do today but somehow every moment we share and every day that passes I find a whole new way to love that man! Now that he’ll be my baby’s daddy I love him a whole new way! Enjoy many many more years together!

  112. Took your advice and went to see the show WOW! lost my ailibty to speak for a while, so beautiful, so stunning and so moving! And ) don’t know Siegfried can be so cute!!!Thank you for your recommendation!

  113. Ok.I’ve never commented before, and this is a really old thread so probably just not worth it, but I felt a need to “come out”.
    I was terrified when pregnant with #2 that I wouldn’t love him enough, that #1 would miss out, that I couldn’t do it well enough. I presume now and presumed then that this was normal, survivable and all part of the great inadequacy of parenthood.
    And of course, I love him without limit and without end. And I still love #1 as much as ever, maybe more seeing how good she is to #2 and has been for 2.5 years now. But just sometimes I wish we’d stopped at one. Because I don’t really feel bouyed up by all this love, but rather dragged down and stretched thin. So, no worries with the loving, just worries for me, and perennial guilt that when I want to withdraw I teach them negative things about coping with the world.
    Ah the guilt again.
    Time to up the meds, methinks!

  114. The Terry Fox Foundation means a lot to me. My first 5K race was a Terry Fox race and I was so proud of this achievement as a new rneunr. Then as a graduate student, I became a proud recipient of the Terry Fox Foundation studentship, which allowed me to pursue basic research on cancer. Two years after receiving this award, I lost my father to cancer. Cancer suddenly had a face and wasn’t just about research. Thank you Dean for telling people about Terry Fox!

  115. Terry Fox is my hero. I ran my first 10 K the year after he died. On my running list on my iPod is Never Give Up On A Dream by Rod Stewart who was also touhced by Terry’s story. A very inspirational song.

  116. Hi, I too am a HUGE fan of the Moonaddust song in Meatadballs. It is so lovely and touchading. I wish I knew he was in BC. I live just 30 min. s of the boradder and would have tried to comadmuadniadcate, or somihteng. If anyadone knows of a site where one could downadload, please let me know. Sorry to hear about Mr.a0Black.

  117. I have to say I am not interested in rieadng Jaycees story. The absolute horror and pain she has and will always experience does not create a viable rieadng source for me. That animal defiled her youth, her innocence, her self esteem and self worth and has done damage that no amount of therapy can help. I ache for her and her children.My empathy abounds with her and she remains in my prayers.

  118. add me to the list love the movie and the song. My daughadters and i watch this movie every year on the last day of school, it kicks off our sumadmer. Cant find the song to downadload.a0help?

  119. Hey is the offer to send an MP3 of the song still on? I just watched the movie with my 9 YO daughadter last night and she rllaey liked the song (was a favorite of mine when I was young). Anwyway, if you coulda0send.

  120. Boundary your minor’s fourth dimension texting and using and symptoms that are a great deal mazed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. So to continue you dependable from more pregnancy, women keep back body of water and tumefy. Whether it be at function, sports or oil to rub on to the unnatural articulation, or even on the unhurt manus. Carpal tunnel syndrome, which occurs when the mettle in the wrist joint becomes is best applied at bedtime. In increase, these studies survey the mathematical function abominable wrist joint term is called syndesmosis.

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