Q&A: out of sync with sex schedule during pregnancy

M writes:

"I’m 6+ months pregnant with baby #2 and have zero sex drive.  Generally uncomfortable (the baby is big and very active), and very tired (have started getting extra iron to combat anemia, so I’m hoping that will help).  Husband’s libido is still intact, maybe even in overdrive due how much he likes how I look pregnant.

Our compromise has been to try to go to bed early once or twice a week to have sex or whatever we decide to do.  Trouble is, my definition of early is way earlier than his.  I’m usually drooling on the couch in front of the TV by 10, and he’s a nightowl, working late or unwinding (he does come home for lunch and dinner/bath/bedtime for our son).  I’ve tried staying up later to accommodate his schedule, but I’m too tired to enjoy anything, and I can’t sleep in because I have to get up with our 3 yo in the morning.  He thinks I "rush off to bed" when he works late and comes home at 10:30 or 11, trying to avoid him.

The few times sex has been enjoyable during this pregnancy are when our son is in daycare and we both take the morning off and spend the time talking and cuddling for a long time first.  Not so practical in the evening.

Any suggestions?"

I love a softball on a Monday morning.

Throughout history, people (mostly men) have gone to incredible lengths to have sex. They’ve worked out with Charles Atlas, amassed huge fortunes, gotten a big-nosed friend to write love poetry that they’d pretend was theirs, stuffed their pants with potatoes, spied on Phoebe Cates through the window, pretended to be their own twin sister, worked 7 years for her father after being given the wrong sister to marry, done crazy amounts of manual labor to get someone to teach them how to play bass so they could be in a band, lied, cheated, stolen, and done all sorts of other Herculean tasks, both moral and immoral, to have sex.

All your husband has to do is come home at 9 pm.

This doesn’t seem like a particularly complicated logic puzzle to me. You are growing another human being inside your body, which makes your body shut off at 10 pm. There’s nothing you can do about that. Your husband can control when he comes home. He wants to have sex. You don’t care one way or the other. Therefore, the onus is on him to be ready at 9 pm for sex.

You probably don’t want to present it to him this way, but you should definitely point out that you are GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INSIDE YOUR BODY and that’s a little taxing. You love having sex with him, but you just physically can’t stay awake, so you need to have sex at 9 pm or not at all. It’s absolutely nothing to do with him. (At this point give him a kiss that will shoot straight down to his groin.) You don’t care if he stays to snuggle afterward, but you can’t stay awake to have sex if he comes home at 10. Thank you for being so understanding. (Another kiss.)


He definitely gets points for liking the way you look pregnant. But he really needs to understand how physically exhausting it is to be pregnant. (Did I mention that you’re growing another human being inside your body?) And, yes, at this point in your lives, you get to dictate the sex schedule. It’s just the way it is right now.

Anyone else? (If you want to comment anonymously, put a fake name in the name space, fake email address in the email space, and an obviously fake URL like www.fake.com or www.google.com in the URL space.)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *